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My uncle (my mother's sister's husband) died last week. The funeral will be about a 7 hour drive from my house. If I were to go, I would bring my two girls and my DH. Dh would have to take 2-3 days off of work, and we'd have to postpone a visit from my SIL who lives about 3 hours away (in a different direction) and was finally coming to meet our 9 month old. We'd stay with my mother, and would likely leave our 3 year old with someone else during the funeral itself. My ILs as well as my father's family all live in that area, so finding childcare would be do able.<br><br>
I wasn't especially close to my uncle. I don't think my presence would give anyone else any special comfort. As my mother put it, we are not "expected or obligated to come." My mother is stretched thin dealing with a high demanding job as well as trying to help support her sister who has alzheimer's and is handling the death ok, but needs someone to help with preparing herself for the funeral and such. Although I'm sure my mother would love to see my family, I think for her our presence would be an added burden during all of this.<br><br>
It would also be hard on my family. It's not a great time for DH to take off of work. It would be pretty disruptive for my 3 year old. The traveling is stressful for all of us, and we just went at the end of April.<br><br>
It seems like a no brainer to stay home. However, I'm really really struggling with this. I feel miserably isolated from family. I missed my paternal grandmother's funeral in December, and it resulted in a horrible series of exchanges with my father who in the end disowned me via email (my parents are long divorced, so that doesn't effect my mom at all). I've had a really really awful last year or so, and I just feel so very raw. I want to be a <i>part</i> of the family during this tragedy.<br><br>
The circumstances of his death are horrid. He was in his 50s. He has a 16 year old daughter. He died alone in his house due to a long battle with alcoholism. There was a lot of good in him. His alcoholism spiraled further out of control as my aunt's alzheimer's got worse. I think they fed off of each other. How can life really and truly be that tragic? I'm shaken up by his death, and it brings up how shaken I feel about my aunt's condition (she's in her mid50s), and how incredibly shaken I was by other recent losses in the family. I'm so very shaken lately.<br><br>
So, do I go <i>for me</i> and inconvinience my mother and my family (and myself)? Or do I stay home and send flowers and just work on pulling myself together alone??
 

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I think this is the kind of situation in which there is really no substitute for being there, in person, with your family. They need you more than you think and you need them more than you like to admit. I would go.
 

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Can't you just go alone and leave your DH and daughters at home?<br><br>
ETA: Sorry I forgot you have a 9 month old, what about bringing the baby with you and leaving the 3 year old with DH?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>liliaceae</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15417856"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Can't you just go alone and leave your DH and daughters at home?<br><br>
ETA: Sorry I forgot you have a 9 month old, what about bringing the baby with you and leaving the 3 year old with DH?</div>
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We sort of considered that. DD is not in day care, MDO, preschool, etc, and we have no one local to keep her, so DH would still have to take off of work. I've never been apart from DD1 at night (though she's currently a daddy's girl at night). A separation for 2 nights would be hard on me. DH has never been away from DD2 at night. I don't sleep well without DH. I'd want him there to support me. Also to walk out with our chatty squealy 9 month old if she's an issue during the service. I haven't ever left her even with DH for an hour, and she's not eating any solids, has never had a bottle, and I don't even own a pump. I'm not leaving her with family semi-local to the funeral that she's only seen 1-4 times in her life.
 

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I wouldn't go. But then again, it's hard to get me to go anywhere that requires a 7 hour drive, let alone a funeral. I''m sorry you are having such a hard time with your decision. I'm sorry for your family's loss. ((hugs))
 

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I would not go ... I would try to find out someone where your mother lives to help her & pay that person for so many hours of their time doing what you mother and aunt would need help with .... that would maybe help me a bit with my own grieving process ...
 

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I would not go given what you have shared. I would call the 16 year old to express my sympathy for her loss and to extend my friendship.
 

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You're trying to balance current nuclear family sanity and a meaningful connection with your extended family. Can you plan a visit at a time that's better for you but also ties in with this situation a little? Father's Day or a birthday / anniversary?<br><br>
Sounds like a long string of heartbreak. I'm very sorry.
 

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You're right: it's a no-brainer. Don't go.<br><br>
Try to separate this one funeral from the other feelings about your family. It seems clear that you need some time with your mom (and maybe other family members) but now is not the time to fulfill that longing. She will be stressed out, and you'll walk away from the visit feeling worse.<br><br>
Instead, try to find a time (soon, but not immediately) where you can reconnect emotionally.<br><br>
Good luck. Sorry you're dealing with all of this right now.
 

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Here is my take.<br><br>
Funerals are not for the person that passed away, they are for the family. A chance to say goodbye.<br><br>
If I was not particularly close to the uncle, I would not go, I would send a flower arrangement and sympathy card.<br><br>
I would also take the time to email, or call the next of kin to give my condolences, explain that you really wanted to be there, but with family, its just not possible.<br><br>
I am sorry for your families loss!~
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Flower of Bliss</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15417663"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I feel miserably isolated from family. I missed my paternal grandmother's funeral in December .... I've had a really really awful last year or so, and I just feel so very raw. <b>I want to be a <i>part</i> of the family during this tragedy.</b><br><br>
The circumstances of his death are horrid. ... How can life really and truly be that tragic? I'm shaken up by his death, and it brings up how shaken I feel about my aunt's condition (she's in her mid50s), and how incredibly shaken I was by other recent losses in the family. I'm so very shaken lately.<br><br>
So, do I go <i>for me</i> and inconvinience my mother and my family (and myself)? Or do I stay home and send flowers and just work on pulling myself together alone??</div>
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I would go. You sound really shaken up, really in need of connecting with your family, really in need of a place/time to process this along side people you love who are also dealing with the same emotions. Work disruption and travel disruption are all temporary stressors. A visit at another time won't have the same emotional impact for you. Your family will be together dealing with their feelings and sadness around this NOW. If you want to be a part of that, I would try to go now. Even if you just went for one overnight it sounds like it would help you. If it was your family pressuring you into coming and you didn't want to, I'd say definitely stay home, but from your text above it sounds like you would get a lot of emotional healing done if you go. (Why do you feel like you're inconveniencing people by going? You might not be...I don't know if that's just you projecting your own worries onto them or not, but it's something to think about).<br><br>
ETA some hugs. I'm sorry you're going through this! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> It sounds rough and I hope that whatever you decide that you're able to take some time to yourself (or with friends, or on the phone with your family) to process things.
 
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