Should I keep picking him up?

1080 Views 14 Replies 13 Participants Last post by TanyaMT, Jun 9, 2005

Alvie

Discussion Starter · Jun 8, 2005

I'm a sahm to ds (1 year old), the sweetest little boy in the world! (I know we all say that, but he really is!

)

Only thing is, me and dh just bought a new house and there's lots to do there, so I have tried using a graco playpen with some favorite toys in there to put ds in. We have previously used this playpen briefly in our living room, when I need to vaccum the carpet or do something else briefly, never longer than 10 minutes, and I'm still in the same room usually, and its been okay. I just take him out when he cries.

Today though, we set it up outside so I could weed a few beds in the garden, I managed about 15 minutes, and then ds started crying for me...I picked him up and nursed a little while, then put him back in. He just started crying again...without even touching his toys. I tried to get him interested in a cloth book or something, but he just wanted to be picked up. Dh thought I should just leave him to 'get used to the idea of being alone once in a while' ...but I picked him up again...couldn't let him cry. Of course I did not get much work done.

How do you get a baby used to playing alone? Is it right to leave him to get used to it? Is this akin to CIO method? Should I just get used to the idea that I won't be able to do as much as I want on the new house...and just play with ds.
Ds just seems to need a bit more attention than most...(dh thinks it's because I always pick him up when he cries so he's never used to not getting his own way. Is this his personality or is it because he's so used to me always being there?

Any thoughts on this?

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merpk

· #2 · Jun 8, 2005

Do you wear your baby at all? At one year a back-carrying somethingorother would be perfect, like a mei-tai or wrap ... you could put him on and do whatever you have to do, and he'll be with you, right next to your body and happy as a clam .

Really.

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aira

· #3 · Jun 8, 2005

My favorite is an ellaroo wrap with a back carry! You can get so much done and have a happy happy baby. But any back carrier that's comfy for you and baby will work great.

Sorry, but your DH is just plain ol' wrong on this one. Babies can't get used to something before they are developmentally ready. One year olds still very much need to be held. A LOT! Go with it. Do what your mama insticts tell you.

I have a DS who demands my attention a lot, and I actually am really glad that he is so confident in his desires. I'm totally happy that he knows what he needs and how to get it. I think that's way healthier than baby learning that their needs are ignored so that they can be trained to behave in the way Mommy and Daddy want. Think of the implications each scenario will have in their adult lives. Personally, I'm not trying to raise a compliant worker bee.

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Finch

· #4 · Jun 8, 2005

I was going to suggest wearing him as well. I vacuum the entire house with ds in the baby backpack or ergo carrier. You can get a lot done with a child in a back carrier of some sort.

My son is 16 mos. old and weighs 24lbs. now.

I still carry him all over the place. It's a good workout too. Plus he's sooooooo much happier than if he were left to play by himself. He just sits there quietly in the carrier, watching whatever I do over my shoulder. He loves to be carried.

ETA: I agree w/aira, your dh is wrong on this one. Developmentally, your ds should be very attached to you and want to be with you. Put it to your dh this way...by holding/comforting/wearing your son now, you are fostering security and a sense of trust in him that will enable him when he is developmentally ready to separate from you with confidence and happiness, knowing that if he needs his mama, she will gladly be there. Reassuring your child that you will come to them/be with them when they need you gives them the sense of trust and confidence they need to venture off into the world without you. Knowing mama (or grandma or whomever is the primary caregiver) will be there if they need her enables children to feel safe in "letting go" a little.

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aira

· #5 · Jun 8, 2005

I wanted to add that I recommend the book "The Continuum Concept" by Jean Liedloff about this subject. Reading it was the first time I "got it" about how to manage living and getting stuff done while caring for a young'un.

Anyhoo, great read!

Dechen

· #6 · Jun 8, 2005

My dd is 20 months and only in the last month or so has she been okay with playing by herself for short periods of time.

At one year? No way!

I didn't get much done, until weekends when dh could be on duty.

Its frustrating, I know, but time will pass and he'll grow up. Right now he needs you.

(If your back can handle it, carrying him is a great idea. My dd has always been huge, and by a year she was too big to have on my back while I did things. My back was very clear about that).

sohj

· #7 · Jun 8, 2005

Another person here saying "Back carrier?"

PS:

merpk, great job rousing the hordes for the Nurse-In!

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3

4evermom

· #8 · Jun 8, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by aira
Sorry, but your DH is just plain ol' wrong on this one. Babies can't get used to something before they are developmentally ready. One year olds still very much need to be held. A LOT! Go with it. Do what your mama insticts tell you.

Babies/toddlers are like tanks that need filling with love and attention. Some have bigger tanks and need more but they can't become very secure and independent til they are filled up. For some it just takes longer to reach capacity.

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mpeel

· #9 · Jun 8, 2005

My girls did/do everything with me, not separate from me. Well, not everything, I go to work, they go to school, but at home, within reason. They even cook, chop veggies, etc. Read The Continuum Concept.

I agree that children need their mamas or another caring adult, a LOT! The more you ignore that, they more they need you. With the weeding situation, why can't he play in the grass?

slk0824

· #10 · Jun 8, 2005

I also wanted to add that with a new move and being in a new place, your baby is going to need a little extra security and comfort from you. The stuff around the house will get done in time. Your little one needs you more now.

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hunnybumm

· #11 · Jun 8, 2005

I think the back carrier is a great idea IF your back can handle it. I have back issues so this isn't an option for me. Luckily DS is ok being down and playing with himself, so it isn't too much of an issuse. Is your DS walking? Once DS started walking he didn't want to be held nearly as much, but that is different for every child.

Also, my DH tries to use the "you baby him too much" concepts. Or I hold him too much, etc. But when I compare my DS to my mainstream friends, they are in so many ways the same, as far as wining, crying, etc. The main difference however, is that DS is a lot more confident and less clingy. I don't know how much of this is just DSs personality or how much of it is that we are so attached. Plus being a SAHM, compared to some of my friends who have their children in daycare whether they are working or not, or who go to school, etc.

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fiddlefern

· #12 · Jun 8, 2005

I'll bet it is frustrating to have so much you want to do in a new home, just at the time that your little one needs you for reassurance in the transition. I agree with other posters that picking him up as you have been is the best thing for your son.

I also have a ds who's 1, and 15 minutes seems like a pretty decent amount of independent play time for his age. So you can reassure dh that he DOES play independently, but he also needs your attention and touch. Your ds CAN learn to give up asking for the attention he needs, but I'm not sure that's the lesson your dh really wants to teach ds, if he thinks about the implications.

Go ahead and give yourself permission to enjoy your sweety! The weeds won't miss your attention too much.

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Plummeting

· #13 · Jun 8, 2005

I agree with the others - pick him up and hold him and play with him as much as he needs it. I do think ignoring his cries is the same as CIO. He doesn't need to "learn to be alone". At this age, he is still learning that you will be there for him. Besides, are we raising kids to be hermits or part of a society in which they will need to know how to interact with others? Basically, your DH is wrong. If you start ignoring your baby's cries, he will only learn that you are inconsistent (sometimes you pick him up and sometimes you ignore him) and that will make him unsure, which will in turn make him *more* clingy and needy because he will never know what to expect from you.

I second a back carry in some type of carrier, if he will allow it. My DD will be 13 months next week and has recently begun hating the Sutemi, which she previously loved. I used to vacuum the whole house, sweep the floors, etc. with her in it. Lately I've been doing a little less since she won't ride for more than a few minutes, but she will only be little once.

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Alvie

Discussion Starter · #14 · Jun 8, 2005

Thanks for all your reassuring replies mamas...
I am realising that all those things that I want to do will just have to wait a while, and I should not feel frustrated/overwhelmed by all that needs to be done....I'm sure there are plenty of mothers who feel that nothing gets done around the house! Its far more important to raise a confident, happy baby!

I have used a 'infantino' front pack (like a baby bjorn carrier) that he loves (a bit difficult when I'm trying to bend down in a flower bed though!) And I actually do have a back carrier, although he does get sqirmy in it after a while...its an 'evenflo' one and fits like a back pack on my shoulders, with him in a seat. Do the other ones you mentioned allow more contact with the baby while he's on your back? I think that might make all the difference...I'll look into one of those.

I do carry him alot around the house, and shopping, walking etc...it seems this is why dh gets the idea I carry him too much...
Thanks for reaffirming the AP mindset...its definately feels like the most natural and right thing to do for your baby. And so instinctual for the mama! I don't know why I question it sometimes???

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TanyaMT

· #15 · Jun 9, 2005

Again, I used a backpack a lot.

I also found that my DS at that age hated the walls of the pen and would cry but would be okay for a few minutes at a time if he was on a blanket sitting next to me. So, I would take out a blanket and some toys and put them next to where I would be in the garden and he liked that better for short times. He liked to then look around without just seeing the mesh of his pen. Can't say I blamed him.

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