[MommyTo3]

This is a long story. I will try to condense it! I need advice. I am getting sole physical custody, with joint legal custody of dd, almost 16, and two ds's (almost 7 and 4).

DD (almost 16) went to an alternative school, SVS, when for seven years (almost 5 to 11). She wants desperately to go back to SVS, which requires two parents' signatures, and I agree with her. STBX disapproves. In addition, I very much want my other two kids to go. (Originally he was going to let the little ones go, but not after I did not back him up about dd leaving.) After much haggling STBX and I agreed to a clause in the separation agreement stating that I have power to make all educational decisions for dd, however we must AGREE in order to make changes for both boys, or else the "status quo" prevails.

I have researched it and found out that without the special clause, the CP simply must notify the NCP about pending school changes, and if the NCP does not agree, the CP can still make the changes. So I am giving up this power for the boys many years. DD, however, has only 3 more years left--in fact, she has the option to graduate after only 2 years.

I would like to let her be happy, since the boys don't know the difference at the moment. And I still won't be able to get THEM into SVS without his signature--but I would at least be able to enroll them in other schools, or even homeschool, without his permission.

I could just let her finish and try to fight for the boys later. But the agreement states that if either party breaks the agreement, he/she has to pay the other party's legal fees. He already signed and I am supposed to any day now. Whenever I want to change my mind, and try to fight for all the kids to go, dd has pressured me out of it. She says it will ruin her life if she can't go. I don't think I have it in me to stand up to her, and it won't get the boys into SVS anyway--but on the other hand, I have THREE kids to think about, not just her.

HELP!

 

[MsChatsAlot]

Tough decision.

When I am faced with difficult decisions like these I try to find as much quiet time as possible and go within to see what my heart tells me to do. There's never an easy answer, but I think you'll find you are led in one direction more than another.

Good luck.

 

[mama40]

She's 16. Bad weather will ruin her life. I don't think it's a good idea to let a 16-year-old direct your custody agreements.

In general, I don't see a good reason to give up something unless you're getting something substantial -- something commensurate or better -- back. If stbx must agree, then essentially he makes the decision, and you'll have handed over that power. You're talking about potentially tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees to get it back (or try and lose).

I don't understand what the agreement means re the 4-year-old -- he's not in K already, is he? If he's not, there'll have to be some change, which means stbx will essentially decide where he goes to school.

Where's your lawyer?

 

[Dragonfly]

Personally, I'd seriously hesitate to sign an agreement like that. IMO, it gives him way too much power over your decision-making. It also potentially trades too heavily on your 2 younger sons' educational well-being. What if they turn out to have serious problems in public school and would thrive at SVS? I'm with John Taylor Gatto - and perhaps you are, too - in believing that the early educational experience is the most important. A child who thrives in their elementary years can tackle most anything in their later years. If your daughter has had those early years in such an enriching environment, she's likely strongly equipped to deal with a less than optimal next few years. She may even find that she doesn't mind it... or she may be able to talk her Dad into letting her go back. Your younger children won't have that luxury.

Just my two cents. I know it's a struggle. I hope you're able to come to a settlement that works for everyone.

 

[MommyTo3]

Thank you. I was afraid to hear that. The easy thing would be to go along with my daughter.

As far as the "status quo" for my 4-yr-old, my stbx already thought of that. Last year the little guy was in a Tues/Thurs. morning 2 hr. 40 min. preschool which happened to be part of the town's public school program (though it costs money), and is supposed to go 3 days this year. So, stbx thinks this means status quo is public school, though I wonder how a judge would interpret it??

It was dd's own idea to try public school for one year in middle school when she was 11, to see what it was like--she hated it but did well academically and stuck it out. Then he said she couldn't go back, all of a sudden. If she knew it would have been her last year there she would have never tried public school. DD has spent YEARS trying to convince stbx. At 12 she was having all-day discussions with him, and no matter what point she made he would cut it down. Eventually she would end up crying. She even wrote him an ESSAY about why she should go back which he didn't reply to. I felt sooo sorry for her. Eventualy she started doing mediocre in school; glad she didn't run away or become a drug addict I guess. Though now she is kind of selfish, whether from this experience or just from being a teenager I don't know.

After I started the divorce, at my lawyer's suggestion we went to a therapist hoping that a therapist's recommendation would help in court to get her into SVS. But, you see his angle was that she needs a "special" school. And the therapist said all she could write is that dd would be much happier there. (And said her essay was well-written.)

The SVS admissions clear says she would not let the boys in without both signatures anyway, that she only allows one signature if the other parent is "completely out of the picture".

But as you guys are saying, I am still giving something up--there are other choices besides SVS.

If I don't sign now, it will hold up the whole divorce and everyone will be angry with me. DD will be furious. STBX will be furious. I am actually frightened, to have both of them upset! Supposedly I had agreed to this months ago.

OK, I am going to TRY to get in touch with the lawyer. And talk to the SVS lady yet again. Gulp.

 

[MommyTo3]

Mama40: "She's 16. Bad weather will ruin her life."

That's so true. That's exactly how she is right now!!

 

[mama40]

OK, so it sounds like stbx has some kind of thing about public school. I presume you guys have talked about that. And I imagine he's got some kind of reason for not wanting the kids in the alternative school.

I don't know your kids or the school, but that won't stop me from taking a stab at this.

I'm guessing that either this is a money issue or you guys have different educational philosophies.

If it's money, that's something that can be negotiated.

If it's philosophy, I think you guys would probably do well to think about what you believe the two kinds of schools teach, what you want taught, and what you don't want taught. And compromise item by item with some specific plan, because whatever those "what I want the kids to learn" items are, it's almost guaranteed that school's not the only place to learn them. It will probably not kill them to learn both sets of values. And then possibly it'd be good if you both relaxed a little about them, because the kids will choose what they choose, and pick up new things you've never even heard of.

Maybe removing this argument from the context of schools will help.

It may also be time to sit down with your daughter and explain that it may seem terribly unfair, but you have her brothers to consider too, and it would be unwise and irresponsible of you to throw away their K-12 for her two years. It would help if she could make peace with the possibility -- not the certainty, but the possibility -- of not returning to SVS (where she hasn't been for five years, and about which she probably has some unrealistic ideas at this point), and see what could be done to mitigate this disaster in her life. Is it possible for her to have some association with SVS outside of the schoolday? Can she go there for selected activities? Can she remain friends with SVS kids? Are there non-school activities the SVS kids flock to that she could also be part of? Is it possible for her to bring some alternativeness to her current school?

Is it unfair to her? Yes. This is one of life's great lessons. In her life she'll run into lots of unfairness and she's going to have to decide how to both get what she wants and maintain self-respect. And that you want to work with her on that, in a grownup way, with the SVS stuff.

In any case, don't let yourself be bullied. If he's angry, he's angry; his house can enjoy it. If she's angry, she's 16, she's going to be angry for much of the next 4-10 years, so don't take it so personally. It's going to be mostly your fault anyway.