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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My fiance and I have been engaged for about a year and a half now....<br>
we have ALWAYS been very honest with each other...<br>
Over the weekend we went out for a few drinks... I stayed out with a friend... We had a few admireres..I told this guy a few times that I was taken and in a relationship but he just wanted a kiss.... so I ended up giving him a kiss.. just a peck on the lips... and then I stuck by my... "I've got a man" speech....<br>
I actually had forgotten that I did this until my friend brought it up to me the next day... (from what she told me I don't remember much past that point... and I'm strating to wonder if this guy put something in my drink becuz I didn't think I had had that many.... )<br>
Anywho..<br>
I really think I should tell my fiance... for one.. to be honest and two... becuz a peck on the lips really isn't a big deal... right??<br><br>
He'll be home from work at 7... and waiting all day to talk to him has been making me sooooo anxious....<br><br>
Any advice or thoughts??<br>
I didn't really cheat on him right?? I mean i guess a little... but I think he'll understand....<br>
It was st. patricks day..! LOL<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
Andrea
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Arduinna</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I sure wouldn't consider a peck on the lips cheating and i don't think there is anything to tell.</div>
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I say write it on a piece of paper and burn it up, Let it go. "It" being not worth making anything out of and IMO, nothing to hang on to. If my dh did that, I would consider it juvenile frat boy stuff and would prefer not to ever know about it -- and actually would prefer if he forgot all about it too!!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I'd tell him, but I'm brutally honest. I just think if the positions were reversed that I would absolutely want to know. To me it is cheating, even if it's just a little over the line for most. It isn't something that I would break up with him over if he did that before we were married, but it is something that I would think he has a right to know, and we'd need to talk about it. So if it wouldn't bother you if he just gave a random girl a quick kiss, then it might not be a problem for you guys. So I guess I'd say just reverse the situation and tell him if you'd have wanted him to tell you.
 

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I agree with Mother Whimsey. I would want to know, so I would tell him.<br><br>
This actually happened to us before we were married. I was studying abroad in another country and got drunk and a little too close to a cute British guy. I felt bad and stopped it before much happened, but I still told my now DH. We moved past it, but in a way, I think this stuff makes our relationship really strong.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>spacedog</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I told this guy a few times that I was taken and in a relationship but he just wanted a kiss.... so I ended up giving him a kiss..</div>
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Yuck. If my fiance did this I would end it right there. I'm serious. No tolerance for crap like that. No, it's not "cheating" but it's sleazy. It's disrespectful. Does your partner want someone who a. gets drunk and does stuff like that, and b. hasn't got enough self respect (or respect for your fiance!) to not kiss some dude in a bar? Yuck again!<br><br>
It's up to you whether you do or don't tell him. I think you should, though, so he knows what he's dealing with. And don't be suprised if this lands you in couples' counselling.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>boston</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yuck. If my fiance did this I would end it right there. I'm serious. No tolerance for crap like that. No, it's not "cheating" but it's sleazy. It's disrespectful. Does your partner want someone who a. gets drunk and does stuff like that, and b. hasn't got enough self respect (or respect for your fiance!) to not kiss some dude in a bar? Yuck again!<br><br>
It's up to you whether you do or don't tell him. I think you should, though, so he knows what he's dealing with. And don't be suprised if this lands you in couples' counselling.</div>
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I have to agree with the above <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/truedat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Truedat"><br><br>
If you're engaged, what on earth are you doing kissing other guys?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: it is cheating, and at that point to me you would have lost rights to not be honest.<br><br>
1- Tell him<br>
2- Tell him that you don't really remember it but a friend told you about it and you felt bad (unless you dont)<br>
3-Dont blame it on anything being slipped into your drink. Because it didn't happen. That is you trying to justify what you did<br>
4-Take any consequences.<br><br><br>
Your future husband should have the right to decide what to do about the situation, you need to be honest about it, but 'not telling him' is lieing to him and 'holding hands' with another man who wants more from you than friendship is cheating.<br><br>
For those of you who don't see this as cheating, that is a justification. Try being on the other end of it.
 

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double post
 

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Think about this:<br>
If he did the same thing, would YOU want to know?<br>
I think you should tell because you are getting married. You don't want to go into marriage with anything even a little dishonest.
 

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I would not tell him, except in the case that there was even the remote possibility of someone else telling him that he saw you kiss some dude at a bar.<br><br>
I agree with the pp, it was sleazy and disrespectful to your fiance (unless that kind of thing is ok by him, in which case you probably wouldn't be posting it here). However, it sounds like you regret it and will not do something like that again. If you are truly sorry and feel like you have learned a very valuable lesson about true fidelity, then telling him in order to alleve your guilty conscience is kind of selfish. So, I guess I would ask myself: Am I telling him so that he can really think about it and decide whether or not to move forward with the relationship, or am I telling him so that he will forgive me and I can feel better about what I did?<br><br>
There are a lot of people who would not think it was a big deal at all, and a lot of people who would take it as a deal-breaker. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">
 

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Yoshua<br> For those of you who don't see this as cheating said:
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No I just happen to have a very different view of relationships than you do. I also chose to marry someone that doesn't feel marriage = ownership and he doesn't have a problem with it either. From the description given it was a peck on the lips with no passion and no tongue action so it doesn't even enter the realm of cheating in my mind.<br><br>
Both my dh and myself have and do kiss people on the lips from time to time in the way described, it's totally a non issue for us. I also find it cute when my dh flirts with women and yes he has done it front of me, and I'm sure I've done the same. We have a really open realtionship that isn't threatened by contact or feelings for others. We are totally secure in our love for each other.
 

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i also think there's nothing to tell...with that in mind, you should tell him.<br><br>
if it's no big deal for your relationship, than it's no big deal.<br>
and BTW, i don't drink around men i might like sexually b/c it impairs my judgment in ways that don't serve my sober life (which composes the vast majority of my time, if you think about it).<br><br>
it's a good idea to figure out what the parameters of your marriage are before you 'start' it.<br>
our culture is just a big ol' poopiepile when it comes to this. we all know how to get married, nobody ever teaches us how to communicate or maintain balance with others.<br>
only you know if your partner is ok with you kissing other guys or not, and only you know whether you care if he thinks it's ok or not...there is no golden standard at play.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Arduinna</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">No I just happen to have a very different view of relationships than you do. I also chose to marry someone that doesn't feel marriage = ownership and he doesn't have a problem with it either. From the description given it was a peck on the lips with no passion and no tongue action so it doesn't even enter the realm of cheating in my mind.<br><br>
Both my dh and myself have and do kiss people on the lips from time to time in the way described, it's totally a non issue for us. I also find it cute when my dh flirts with women and yes he has done it front of me, and I'm sure I've done the same. We have a really open realtionship that isn't threatened by contact or feelings for others. We are totally secure in our love for each other.</div>
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To me, she feels it is cheating. If she didn't she wouldnt have asked if she should tell him.<br><br>
If there was no doubt in her mind as to weather or not to tell him, then she would never had asked the question.<br><br>
Since she asked the question, to me that means she feels that she did something worth telling him. Which means in their relationship I doubt this is 'acceptable' for them.<br><br>
It wouldn't be acceptable to me, and that has nothing to do with 'owning' a person. It has to do with trusting a person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks for all the comments!<br>
I guess I feel bad and I think it's kind of cheating, but it was a very meaningless kiss and we do have a very open relationship its important to talk about everything and I just want him to know what happened because it happened. Its not something I ever want to do again though...<br>
I did tell him ... he wasn't very impressed with me and I'm sure he's still upset<br>
he has told me in the past that if I need to 'get anything out of my system" before we get married then I should.... so.. I don't know what that means... but anyways...<br>
I'm feeling really crummy about it, it was kinda sleazy....<br>
I've never loved anyone the way I love him and I know he's my soulmate.... it hurts to have hurt him....<br>
I know that I have commitment issues and I want to get over them... because I really don't want to screw this up...<br><br>
Thanks again for the yeahs and nieghs... I appreciate the thoughts..<br><br>
Andrea
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
one other thing... I think we do need to make sure we're both on the same page as far as ok in the relationship...<br>
because if he had done the same thing I wouldn't have cared... because I know he loves me and we're ment to be together... there's nothing wrong with a little affection or flirting with someone....
 

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everyone has different boundaries for their own marriages/relationships that they consider appropriate/inappropriate. to me, i would consider that cheating, others don't.<br><br>
sit down with your fiance and discuss in full honesty where you guys draw the line. then live up to those expectations.<br><br>
hope you can get past this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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just had to say, I am proud and glad that you told him.<br><br>
Honesty is #1 in what makes a relationship work. Mistakes happen, but when you are the one that makes the mistake it is the other person in the relationship that really has a final say in the outcome.<br><br>
Most mistakes are minor. To me, this one would be minor but me finding out 2 or 3 months later instead of 2 or 3 days would make it major.<br><br>
I am happy that you told him, and I hope that everything settles down alright, but you did the right thing.<br><br>
If after you have your talk and you BOTH decide that this is not an issue in the future and you are both ok with it, then no worries. However resentment can sometimes build if something is OK for one side and not the other.<br><br>
Make sure you both have the same set of expectations for eachother and life is easier since you can live inside those boundaries.<br><br>
Last thought: All relationships are different, however make sure that honesty is the foundation of all relationships in my opinion.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 
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