Mothering Forum banner

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,526 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
<p>Here is the thing, my dh says he does not want to be involved in making decisions regarding the children, or in having to deal with schools, their education, etc. BUT, when we were moving 3.5 years ago, I said I did not want to stay in this school district. We had been home schooling because the schools were so bad. My dh was not involved in home schooling so I felt like the only single parent home schooler out there. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>So I grew up in public schools and wanted the children to go back there. My dh grew up in private schools and said he wanted nothing to do with public schools. When we were house hunting, he ONLY liked the houses near us. He was very specific on what he wanted in a house and would not compromise at all. It had to be 100% what he wanted, or we would not go. There was a financial situation at stake too, which I don't want to go in to, and a deadline, otherwise, I could have held my ground. Instead, he held his ground. He wanted a front entry drive way with a large backyard and his own dedicated study, etc etc etc. He wanted to be close enough in to the city, he wanted to be in one of the more expensive suburbs, it goes on and on. But for me, I did tons of research on schools. I used to be a teacher (in this district) and my sister still is a teacher in this district and have lots of friends who are teachers. I did tons of research regarding programs, parent satisfaction, teachers opinions of the schools, other parents opinions of the schools their kids are in, even opinions of other kids who are in the schools. I visited some of the schools and I made my decisions about what districts I wanted to be in. I told my dh that the next 2 suburbs over would be great as well as the town we lived in when we first married, which is about 30 minutes north of us, but technically, not a suburb. I could have even gotten him lists of more places, but honestly, this covered a huge area. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>My dh looked at a couple houses in those other areas and said no, he wanted big back yard and front entry drive way. I searched and one city had no front entry drive ways unless they backed up to a creek (deep creek at that) which I was not comfortable with with small children in the house and dh agreed on that. So he, on his own, ruled out that entire town saying no way would he live in a rear entry house (entry is referring to what direction the drive way comes from). He said also, he wants lots of land. We went looking in the other 2 districts. The town north of us where we used to live can have bad traffic during rush hour which he said he could not deal with. So he mades us stop looking there. Then the other district, which happens to be the biggest of all, was in the suburb his office was in. Hardly any commute at all. But the houses were pricier so even though he could get the front entry, he could not get as fancy of a house there or as big of a backyard. But it still would have been a very nice house. He said no, he wants to stay where we are. I was upset. We fought about it. But as it came down to 2 weeks prior to the deadline, I had to give or that would be it. SO, he made the decision, on his own, against my will, that we would remain living where we were. The new house ended up being just blocks from the old. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now back to schools. Since we did move a few blocks, the middle and elementary schools were different. So I thought I would try them. We had never used the high school. But, everything went awful. To make matters worse, my husband just sat back and did nothing to help me. So when my daughter was being horribly and ruthlessly sexually harassed, and the entire administration was male, and they just laughed it off and made remarks like "boys will be boys" and my daughter just needs to deal with it, etc, my dh just sat back and did nothing. I felt like if HE would just talk to them, it would help. My husband is a man and these are all men telling me (who is a woman) that sexual harassment is ok. So I felt if my husband, being a man, spoke to them, maybe they would respond different. But he would not!!!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For my daughters safety, I had to pull her out and send her to private school for the rest of the year. I pulled my son out too as there was a breastfeeding incident at the high school. Then in the fall, I switched the children to charter school, but the charter school merged with a Hockey academy and everything went dowhill from there. My children, who are smart and had been in gifted programs, are completely in mindmelting time at this school which is now catering to the hockey kids. (they even just fired one of the only good teachers they had left because the hockey parents did not like him because he actually had the kids do their work and would not allow them to throw trash on the ground or dance on the tables). </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyway, my daughter is begging to go anywhere but here, but not back to the local public schools. She is even begging to just home school. I have been trying to talk to my husband about pursuing the district for the sexual harassment in hopes that we can at least have an indistrict transfer. Can you believe he got mad at me for it? He says he is tired of the school situation and he expects me to just fix it and leave him out of it. BUT, I feel like he CAUSED it by forcing us to live in a district where we knew the schools were bad! The teachers I know who teach here won't even bring their children to school here. That says something.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So this led to a fight about how I feel this is all his fault anyway and how he has no business blaming me or getting mad at me for it. I feel it is his job to step up to the plate and start trying to fix things himself, and while he is at it, he can apologize to me and everyone else he hurt through his ogre decision to force us to continue to live here.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe this is just a vent, but what would you do? I am frustrated and upset. I feel like he made the decision to create the problem and then he tells me to just deal with it, all alone, by myself. </p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,212 Posts
<p>Is the private school you mentioned no longer an option? </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Here you can apply for (and usually get) a boundary exception to attend a (public) school that is not your boundary school.  (You just ask for it at the school you want to go to, and now is the time to be doing that for next year--sometimes in rare instances they will let it happen mid-year.)  Perhaps you could see if anything like that is possible.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course a much more radical solution would be to rent an apt. in an area you're happier with, and you and the kids live there.  I would be considering that if my dh did nothing (and didn't seem to care) about sexual harrassment. </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,526 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
<p>We will hear about whether she got in or not in March, that is the notification date.  I am just frustrated as I feel like I was completely dismissed on this whole thing and I am the one who has to do all the application stuff and interviews and signing up for testing and so on. I will, no doubt, be the one to drive back and forth twice a day in to the city for 180 days a year for the next several years. So I just feel quite slighted.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And the other thing is, I grew up in the public schools and DH in the private schools. DH grew up hearing that all public schools are trashy, etc. In reality, I can honestly say that my public school was better than his private school. His family members will sit around talking about how they will never allow their kids to go to public school because public schoolers are trashy and morally deplete, etc etc etc. Meanwhile, these same family members have substance abuse problems and multiple marriages and it goes on and on. DH and I both took AP math in high school. He at the private school and me at the public. Then in college, I tested out of the entire first year of college calculus while he had to go back and start from calculus 1. He said he was shocked as they always gave him As in school in math. But the private school, it seems, just gave everyone As and pleased the parents and kids and did not really care of the kids earned As. The public school made you earn the grades and if you could not pass, too bad, repeat the class, go to a lower level, but they were not going to just give you an A. My dh has told me some scarey stories of what went on socially with his friends in his private high school. I said nothing like that ever happened with my friends in public school. But he swears it had to be way worse in public school, because public school is always worse than private. He has heard the stories..probably from his drunk morally deplete snobby parents. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>So basically, I wanted my children in public school, where everyone is on the same playing ground, where they have more resources, where the students are more diverse, etc. But I wanted decent public schools and my dh did not care about living in a decent school district because he felt that ALL public schools are bad so he did not want his kids there anyway.<br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>A&A</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285450/shouldn-t-i-have-had-more-say-in-the-house-schools#post_16117257"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Is the private school you mentioned no longer an option? </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Here you can apply for (and usually get) a boundary exception to attend a (public) school that is not your boundary school.  (You just ask for it at the school you want to go to, and now is the time to be doing that for next year--sometimes in rare instances they will let it happen mid-year.)  Perhaps you could see if anything like that is possible.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course a much more radical solution would be to rent an apt. in an area you're happier with, and you and the kids live there.  I would be considering that if my dh did nothing (and didn't seem to care) about sexual harrassment. </p>
</div>
</div>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,742 Posts
<p>Yes, you should've had an equal say. We are planning to relocate in about 18 months, and where our children will go to school is on the top 3 list of priorities for houses. For it not to be would be a deal breaker for me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm not sure what the answer for you is at this point. I would be tempted to tell my husband that we were getting an apartment in the city and would be home on weekends. It's be WAY less stress and probably not that much more expensive than a 2-hour round trip commute twice a day. Aren't you homeschooling your other children? They're going to ride in the car 4 hours a day to take your daughter to school and back? When will she be able to drive? That's just not something I'd do unless I felt I absolutely had no other option. What about letting her finish out high school as a homeschooler? I went to college starting when I would've been in 11th grade, and I am glad I did it. High school just offered nothing valuable to me, and that may be the best option for her because I really think it has to be about everyone's needs.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,327 Posts
<p>This sounds pretty bad. Not only is your husband not listening to you on the whole house thing, but not defending his own daughter. :( I really don't know what to say. He certainly should nto be making this your problem. I think I am with those who say rent an apartment elsewhere. And then couple's therapy... it sounds like your dh is basically doing whatever he wants. "I want to decide this" or "I don't feel like making the decision about this or helping and I know my wife will take care of it... so I am just going to do or not do whatever I feel like."</p>
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top