"SHUT UP!" says the toddler

You have two tactics, both of which will work but over different time frames. The quickest way to get it to stop is to ignore it. However, "quick" might mean a couple of weeks. I really do not like to go this route myself. But we are less bothered by it than you seem to be. My dd has experimented with swear words and will rudely "shhhhh" me if I dare to speak when she is on her play phone. But I have come to realize that she learns that stuff somewhere.....probably from us or others that she is close to so ignoring it seems just as rude as the original behavior. What we do is play around with the words, talk about them, explain how they make people feel, explain our own weaknesses in word choices, etc..... This of course takes much more time but I think it is more effective in the long run. I want dd to understand the words and not necessarily feel shame around them. Sometimes "shut up" has it's place IMO so I would not necessarily want to erradicate it. In your case, I would probably play with the phrase to keep it a little light. Like when she yells it, start goofing around and get louder and louder which will probably escalate the phrase into silliness. Or say "oh yeah?, well YOU open down!!!!" But then, out of the heat of the moment start having discussions about words people use and how maybe they shouldn't because someone's feelings might be hurt. At 20 months she will not really understand it but she will probably get the idea that discretion should be used around those words and to look to you for cues about appropriate use.

IMO, with swear words and such, ignoring or punishing will probably result in the child obeying at home and in front of adults but might have a potty mouth on the playground. More gentle guiding might not prevent use of the words at home all of the time but more correct use and more consideration for feelings and how it makes them look/feel. Both have thier drawbacks.

One thing to remember is that with really little kids, words are just words. They do not know what they mean sometimes. Attaching punishment and shame seems very premature when a child is just trying out words. We do not use punishments in our parenting anyway, so that point is moot for us. But if we did, I would want to be very careful. When I was in the fourth grade I heard people say "I was so screwed" and knew that is meant "I was in trouble". I did not know what "screwed" was suppose to mean, I just knew what the phrase meant. I did not know it was a "bad" thing to say. I repeated it in front of my beloved 4th grade teacher. He was aghast and said very harshly that it was a "dirty" thing to say and I was never to say it again. I was so ashamed. And I still did not know why it was wrong. I was not even "punished" but still felt the sting. I do not want to do that. I try to remember, they are just words. It is one of the few discipline things that is not a safety issue, does not wreck any belongings, etc..... so you have time on your side.

I'm back. Last night's post was made after DH was getting really upset for DD coming in and yelling at us to shut up after spending time in Granny's room (where the tv is never off and the shows are never child-appropriate). He told her not to say shut up because it was mean but she persisted and DH took her sippy away for it, which of course made her cry. I told him that having her sippy taken away for saying mean things was NOT an appropriate consequence, which he understood, he's just at a loss. DH was not disciplined when he was growing up, so he has no model to base his parenting on, thankfully he is very anti-abuse so spanking won't ever be a problem.

DD says swear words, those don't bother us. We say swear words and are well aware that she will repeat us. What bothers us are disrespectful or hurtful words: ugly, fat, stupid, hate, dumb, shut up, etc. They're the words we try to keep out of our vocabulary. Granny on the other hand, well let's just say she doesn't get it and everytime I try to tell her she gets herself into a huff. She's not a very mature person, very smart but totally childish. If I try to gently speak to her about the way she speak to or around Kairi she gets highly offended, says she's moving out, calls dd unmanageable or unrulely and pouts in her rooms for the rest of the day.

I've tried ignoring the mean words, but that doesn't seem to work well, especially sicne I can't get everyone in the house to be consistent. I guess the best option is to go with Yooper's suggestion: turn the situation funny and later talk about why we shouldn't use the offensive words. I definately don't want to punish, it doesn't fit with my parenting philosophies...

Thank you for the advice, keep it coming!

Quote:
In that case, I would let dd know that those are Granny's words, and give dd her own words to use. Obviously, it wouldn't make sense to keep dd away from Granny, as she lives there.
So, it is finding that balance, kwim? granny doesn't sound like she's willing to change, so, then address it as a behavior of Granny's, not your child's.

Let your child know that, although Granny says those, does not mean it is acceptable and let your child know what is acceptable.
If she swears again, just gently remind her that those are Granny's words and "what are your words you can use?".

Remember, it will come in handy later. we always have people in our lives we love, but whose behaviors we do not accept.