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SID and other disorders-- hoping not to offend...

1926 Views 60 Replies 20 Participants Last post by  mmaramba, 
M
It seems I may be one of the resident non-parents here, and I always have plenty of questions...

Now for something... philosophical, I guess, in that it's not situation-specific. I hope that I can express myself in the best possible way, as I do not want to offend...

I am very familiar with both learning disabilities and other mental disorders. I had undiagnosed ADD for many years, and although I do think it may be overdiagnosed nowadays, I am absolutely certain that it exists, and that I have it. A pretty classic case, actually-- the only exception being that I have other abilities (excellent memory, etc.) that partly compensated for it.

My brother has CAPD, also a pretty classic case. Plenty of people in my family have struggled with mood disorders of varying degrees, including myself.

So I do believe that these things exist, and that they are not excuses. Of course, I also believe very strongly that they shouldn't be used AS excuses, either. The knowledge that one has a disorder should be used to inform how one treats it, deals with certain situations, etc., but not used as an EXCUSE, per se...

IOW, in my eyes:

Appropriate: Child has ADHD, so we take him to activities where he doesn't have to sit still for long periods of time, understand that he tends to get bored easily, help direct him in new ways to increase his attention span, direct him towards activities that reward intuition and creativity, etc.

Inappropriate: Child has ADHD, so we take him to an opera, and let him run around, because he has ADHD! He can't be expected to sit down the whole time, and he should still be able to enjoy the opera, since he loves listening to opera music at home while he plays. Anyone who doesn't like that we let him run around just doesn't understand ADHD and is simply intolerant!

Which gets me to my point/question...

As much as I am becoming a convert to GD, I am a bit uneasy with the many children I see here that are described as having SID, something on the autism spectrum, ODD, CAPD, ADD/ADHD, etc.

I "get" the "spirited child" thing-- it's just a way of describing one's child on a relative scale of behavior and tendencies... And it would make sense that a discipline board of any kind would attract more parents of "spirited children" than the more mellow type.

But all the diagnoses... Make me a bit uneasy?

That is, on the one hand, I tend to explain things (at least TENDENCIES) by the mental issues someone has, rather than judging them generally as "good" or "bad." That doesn't mean I hang out with someone who puts me down because I know he or she has, say Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or some such-- just that I "understand" to some extent why he or she acts that way. It works, in a sense, with my Christian background ("judge not that ye be not judged.")

OTOH, I am wary of psychologically diagnosing everyone and everything, lest those things BECOME excuses.

I am able to see through the viewpoint among some in the "mainstream" that says: "ADD, my a$$! In my day, we were expected to behave no matter what! All these parents are just making excuses for these kids. ADD? More like a case of L.A.Z.Y.!"

I KNOW that's, ahem, B.S. :LOL

But I do get a little antsy when I think about it.

I mean, maybe there are SID issues for some kids, but maybe they can be mitigated with solutions that are not necessarily "SID solutions." Maybe we would sometimes do better NOT to focus on what our kids have in terms of disorders, as they are clearly not just a sum of disorders!

I have the feeling that many of you feel this way, and that GD-- just like Christianity, for example-- is unfortunately often bastardized by (often well-meaning) folks who just don't want to discipline at all, or acknowledge the significance of nuture in addition to nature.

Hmmmmm.....

If anyone wants to comment, I'm all ears (eyes)!
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M
Quote:
But all the diagnoses... Make me a bit uneasy?
Well, maybe everyone should just come to you to okay any diagnosis given by a health professional.

When someone prefaces a statement by stating that they "hope they don't want to offend", you can be sure they are gearing up to say something offensive. I'm offended by your entire post. None of my children are special needs-- no ADD, SID, autism. I'm curious as to why you feel like you can just come here, as someone who is not even a parent, and make sweeping generalizations about the women who ARE mothers who post on this board about THEIR OWN children, like you have some special insight or information that they don't.

I don't get the point of your post at all, unless it is to second guess the mothers here who are, for the most part, just trying to do the best they can for their children.
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M
I have no idea what SID is. I even googled. Please define "SID". Thanks.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by mamazee
I have no idea what SID is. I even googled. Please define "SID". Thanks.
http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...ion%20disorder
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USAmma
Not having read the other responses yet . . .

Your examples are very true about what to do and not to do. However SID is a neurological problem, not a personality problem. I have two kids with SID: one is very spirited and high needs, and one is actually quite mellow. More like quietly stubborn.

They were dx by OT's. My first dd had a child psychologist and 3 OT's look at her and they all came to the same conclusion. They couldn't just be making that up. Her preschool teacher (when she was in school) approached me and had concerns about odd behaviors without me telling her anything. This is a teacher who sees a lot of kids and has experience on what is normal and not normal.

My baby was dx at 6 mos. old by an OT and redx at 10 mos by another OT to get qualified for state services. She recieved therapy and it helped her a *lot*. Especially brush therapy, which wouldn't do anything for a normal baby, even a spirited one.

Both girls had/have reflux, gag issues, feeding problems. Nitara tended to avoid stimuli. Abi craved it. Two spectrums within SID. Both are outgrowing it, as their father did (he also had sensory issues, reflux, and severe eating/gagging problems).

Even with their issues, there is certain behavior that is and is not acceptable. If the situation is not a good fit, we don't go. It's somewhat isolating but the alternative is going and making myself and others uncomfortable.

Abi is much, much better the older she gets but still has some SID-dy stuff that she does. Nitara still does not eat by mouth and gags and vomits a lot but is also getting better very slowly.

I agree that we should focus on them as people, not as disorders. They may have special needs and I need to realize that and plan accordingly.

I don't use their dx to make excuses for them or use that as an excuse for myself to not bother parenting them and teaching them right from wrong. On the contrary, most parents whose kids are dx with something were concerned enough to seek out help in the first place.

Parenting a child who is not exactly normal and average is very hard work and it takes 10 times the effort to teach Abi to share and have compassion, etc. that it might take the parents of a child without issues. I often laugh inside at some of the suggestions made her by parents in response to a question about discipline and child behavior because Abi would not have responded well to anything. I read so many discipline/childrearing books including AP ones and nothing much worked for her. She just didn't "get it" when I used the suggestions in the books or else she just didn't care, if she did get it. I had to find my own methods that worked just for her. That is very hard work. I'm always on my toes with her.
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:

My son also has gagging and other eating related issues (although not so much as Nitara)
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Quote:

Originally Posted by Mothra
http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...ion%20disorder
Thanks. I'd answer yes to 6 of the things on that checklist, which is only a little over half, so I don't think my daughter has that.

In response to the OP, I think that what's happend is that issues that have always existed have been given names so that parents can find a way to help their kids. So kids have always had the traits that now lead to different diagnoses, but no diagnoses were available in the past -- parents just worked with the hand they were dealt without help, and perhaps mislabeled and responded inappropriately to problems as a result. Now that these problems have been given a name, parents are able to find help.

I'm not a psychologist or doctor so I have no way of knowing whether things like SID, ADHD, etc., are over-diagnosed, under-diagnosed, or diagnosed just about the right amount of the time. What leads you (OP) to believe they are over-diagnosed?
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Jennifer Z
I think one of the main problems with comparing 'today's kids' with "when we were kids" is that we don't really remember things accuratly. We tend to romanticize the past a bit.

I know there are times (pre-parenting) where I would say "I can't beleive those parents let them get away with that...I would have NEVER been allowed to act that way!" My mom, however, pointed out that I DID act that way...I might have been in trouble for it, but I certainly did act like that. Kids don't change. Plus, I think there was more acceptance, to some degree, of kids being kids...they are loud, they are dirty, they don't get social graces. There used to be more of a seperation of 'kid places' and 'adult places', so you didn't see kids running around at the opera (to use your example), but you certainly saw kids running around in diapers/undies in a perpetual state of dirty running around in back yards. If you look back culturally to 'the little rascals" you can see that there was more of a 'kid's world' and an 'adult world'. Kids acted the same way, they just weren't in situations where they were expected to act like little adults as often.

Also, back then, people didn't have dxs. Everybody knew of 'quirky' kids and it was just a part of life. They weren't seperated out quite like they are today. There were no special ed classes, but I think people were just more accepting of 'they are just different...everybody is different'.

I have always found it interesting, when dealing with my child and his personality, that the oldest generation is the one who is most accepting of him. They didn't grow up in an age where there was a defined 'normal' that had been studied, researched, and laid out on a nice little chart. Where a younger parent is going to jump to "has he been evaluated for ______", an older parent/grandparent/great-grandparent is more likely to just say "oh, he reminds me of _____. He will be just fine...let him be a kid" and think our obsession with labels doesn't make a lick of difference of who our children are as people.

I hope at least some of that made sense. I am fuzzy headed, so I am finding it hard to communicate my ideas of late.
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Jennifer Z
this might be a serial post, but I read some of the other responses and wanted to add this:

I think how you deal with children that are different in the past (pre-dx era) has a lot to do with the community and family dynamics. In a small close-knit community, there tended to be more of a 'village to raise a child' type interaction. Therefore, even if mom & dad were struggling with how to deal with their child, it was likely that another person had ideas that would work better. Today we have taken that general air of helpfulness and institutionalized it.

I think child-raising has changed fundamentally from "we are all raising the future generation" to "my child is better than your child". It has gone from a community effort to a competion. That changes both how you give advice and how you receive help. It also changes how you perceive your childs behavior.

To illustrate this...have you ever noticed how many tentative posts there are along the lines of "does your kid do this too?" and the relief when people find out it is not whacked-out behavior? Instead of just enjoying their quirks, we are embarrasssed by them. (I am as guilty as anybody, so I am not critisizing.) Because we are embarassed by them, we are less likely to talk to people IRL for fear that they will think our child is a freak, which perpetuates the mystification of child behavior and further re-enforces the competition to have the 'best' child.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by Mothra
Well, maybe everyone should just come to you to okay any diagnosis given by a health professional.

When someone prefaces a statement by stating that they "hope they don't want to offend", you can be sure they are gearing up to say something offensive. I'm offended by your entire post. None of my children are special needs-- no ADD, SID, autism. I'm curious as to why you feel like you can just come here, as someone who is not even a parent, and make sweeping generalizations about the women who ARE mothers who post on this board about THEIR OWN children, like you have some special insight or information that they don't.

I don't get the point of your post at all, unless it is to second guess the mothers here who are, for the most part, just trying to do the best they can for their children.
Wow.

Well... No. I certainly *don't* want any woman to second-guess herself or her child's diagnosis, especially if it was made by a professional.

I know that when someone says "I don't want to offend, but," they usually *are* offensive, but I don't know... I wasn't accusing anyone here of anything. Just trying to work through my impressions, trying to... understand the balance that is so difficult to achieve-- between acknowledging a disorder and using it as an excuse, YKWIM? I imagine it is a fine line, and one that *I*, though I don't have children, walk WRT *myself*.

That is, even if one never uses a disorder as an excuse, how is that best communicated to those who believe it *is* an excuse? I know that you can't worry about what everyone else thinks, but how do you communicate this kind of thing effectively?

I am surprised that you found my entire post offensive. And saddened.

I don't really get it. I understand that this is a very sensitive topic... At the same time...

Let me address your post:

Well, maybe everyone should just come to you to okay any diagnosis given by a health professional.

Absolutely not. In no way did I ever claim that any child's diagnosis was incorrect. In fact, I strongly lean towards the opposite assumption.

None of my children are special needs-- no ADD, SID, autism.

Then I definitely was in no way referring to your children, although I might have imagined you'd have some broader insight. I never once said that there was an overwhelming presence of these diagnoses on this board. Just that I saw a lot of them, which got me thinking about the issues involved...

I'm curious as to why you feel like you can just come here, as someone who is not even a parent...


I did not believe that I was judging anyone in any way, so I am not sure that not being a parent precludes me from bringing the topic up. What if I had a two-week-old? While my perspective would, I'm sure, be different, would I really be that much more qualified to voice my concerns? What if I had three children, spanked them, and claimed that my parenthood entitled me to promote the joys of spanking? If I were being horribly judgemental, I could understand your objection to my not being a parent. After all, I don't really know what it's like. But as it stands, I still don't get it.

In any event, I am interested in this topic because I want to be prepared *before* I am a parent. I would think that (as long as I was not really *judging* anyone negatively for her choices) would be encouraged.

...and make sweeping generalizations about the women who ARE mothers who post on this board about THEIR OWN children...


I see no place in my OP where I made sweeping generalizations. Please indicate to what you are referring.

like you have some special insight or information that they don't.

Perhaps, at times, I *do* or *will* have "some special insight"-- after all, I am a capable human being, and I once was a child myself. Don't you sometimes have "special insights" that other moms might not have?

Regardless, that's not how I meant my OP, in *any* way. I wasn't trying to impart my "wisdom" to anyone-- just to express my slightly conflicted feelings, and ask for general thoughts on a topic.

As for my OP, I... I think that it does make sense that posters to any discipline board would tend to be self-selecting... That is, that it would make sense to see a higher-than-average proportion of kids with learning disorders and the like... Because they might be more likely to need "unconventional" solutions/discipline and because, if their parents have had them diagnosed with a specific disorder, that might indicate that their parents tend to be more involved in finding solutions, reading discipline books, visiting boards, etc.

Anyone?

Should I just leave the board? Is my presence doing more harm than good?
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Quote:
As much as I am becoming a convert to GD, I am a bit uneasy with the many children I see here that are described as having SID, something on the autism spectrum, ODD, CAPD, ADD/ADHD, etc.

I "get" the "spirited child" thing-- it's just a way of describing one's child on a relative scale of behavior and tendencies... And it would make sense that a discipline board of any kind would attract more parents of "spirited children" than the more mellow type.

But all the diagnoses... Make me a bit uneasy?
This is a generalization. All the diagnoses... that is a generalization. You said this makes you "uneasy". This, specifically, is what my post is in response to.
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C
You say you're worried that a parents' concern or a dr's diagnosis of SID might become an 'excuse.' For running around during an opera? It seems like you are saying people here are not disciplining their children because they have the 'excuse' of SID. Is that correct?

I don't know any moms with SID or ADD (or Down's Syndrome for that matter) children that use their child's illness as an excuse for a lack of discipline. Of course there is a huge difference between seeking understanding as to why someone behaves in a particular way, and using that as an excuse for their behavior. So, curious as to why you seem to have made this leap.
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I think one of the main problems with comparing 'today's kids' with "when we were kids" is that we don't really remember things accuratly. We tend to romanticize the past a bit.
Oh, I definitely agree with this!

I was on another board, and got into a bit of a debate with another childfree woman (about leaving loaded guns around the house where a four-year-old could get to them) wherein she claimed that EVERY SINGLE TIME her parents told her not to do something, she would unquestioningly obey. Even when she was a toddler. The first time, and every time.


Not possible. Now, she may have been very "obedient," but EVERY time? 100%?

She insisted. Which was her argument for keeping loaded guns lying around toddlers (I kid you not)... "If they know you're serious, they just won't do it, no matter what their age."

I said, look, regardless, with a gun, it only takes one time! We had to agree to disagree, but I wasn't sorry she was not having kids!
:

I appreciate everyone's insights. I hope that no one feels judged by me in any way. I totally understand that lots of things are "easy for me to say," which is why I try to be sensitive...

It's tough... I just want to work though as much of this (in a BASIC way) as I can before I have kids...
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Quote:

Originally Posted by Mothra
This is a generalization. All the diagnoses... that is a generalization. You said this makes you "uneasy". This, specifically, is what my post is in response to.
Perhaps I should be clearer. When I said "all the diagnoses," I meant "the many diagnoses," or "the number of diagnoses." As in: "look at all those horses!"

Not "all" as in "each and every diagnosis." (Not "look at every one of those horses!")

Does that make sense?

I meant that seeing so many diagnoses makes me a bit uneasy. That doesn't mean that ANY of them was an incorrect diagnosis. Just that it bothered me slightly, in a general way-- probably more b/c of "mainsteam" indoctrination than anything tangible... I was trying to figure out *why* that "bothered" me-- whether being "bothered" was legitimate or not.

And if that was what your post was in response to... You didn't discount everything else I said, because of that one ambiguously worded line, did you?
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Quote:

Originally Posted by chicagomom
You say you're worried that a parents' concern or a dr's diagnosis of SID might become an 'excuse.' For running around during an opera? It seems like you are saying people here are not disciplining their children because they have the 'excuse' of SID. Is that correct?

I don't know any moms with SID or ADD (or Down's Syndrome for that matter) children that use their child's illness as an excuse for a lack of discipline. Of course there is a huge difference between seeking understanding as to why someone behaves in a particular way, and using that as an excuse for their behavior. So, curious as to why you seem to have made this leap.
No. To clarify... that one example was only WRT to ADD.

And no, I am not saying that *anyone* here is not disciplining because of the "excuse" of any disorder.

But I have seen that happen. Perhaps you have not.

As I'm sure you are aware, it becomes frustrating for proponents of GD (or parents of children with certain disorders) when other parents claim to be using GD, and are actually just being permissive, or parents of kids with certain disorders use them as excuses.

Also... I *haven't* made "that leap." From my own experience, having ADD, I obviously know that there is a difference between having a diagnosis and using it to improve my situation and using the diagnosis as an excuse.

I was just wondering, I guess, how one balances those issues... If it's just a different mindset, or what.

I am feeling a bit frustrated right now, since I'm not sure how my OP could have been much clearer. I put in so many disclaimers and thorough explanations that I hoped to leave nothing to speculation WRT this sensitive topic.

I know that if one is truly offensive, it doesn't matter how many disclaimers one uses-- i.e., "Well, I'm not racist, some of my best friends are black, my husband is black, I am an African American Studies major, etc.... But black people are just not as smart as white people, yadda yadda."

Now that's ridiculous, for many, many reasons. It doesn't matter how many disclaimers you put in there.

But I still don't see where I was offensive in this case.

Should I not have brought it up at all?
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Quote:

Originally Posted by mmaramba
As I'm sure you are aware, it becomes frustrating for proponents of GD (or parents of children with certain disorders) when other parents claim to be using GD, and are actually just being permissive, or parents of kids with certain disorders use them as excuses.
I guess I don't understand. Why is it important to know whether a parent is using ADD as an excuse? I guess I just don't understand what you're trying to sort out.

What's 'permissive'? Wouldn't that judgement be dependent on not only the parenting style, but the child's (and parent's) temperment, and the particular situation? How do you know when a parent is 'using' a disorder as an excuse? Can you give an example?

There are, of course, lots of theories out there about why 'those other people' do GD; most GD parents have heard them all. They're lazy, they're making excuses for their child, they're weak-willed and wrong-headed momma's boys. So what? You do what you think is best for your child and ignore the thousands of others out there who will instantly give you far more than you wanted to know about their theory of child-raising the second you start to show.
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I think I understand what the OP was talking about. I grew up in the eighties, when hyperactivity was the diagnosis of choice; and indeed, many kids fit the label.

But I distinctly remember being literally jumped--repeatedly-- by a kid named Brian at our home-- I screamed, he giggled, and his mother said something like, "You know he is hyperactive, don't you?"

What??? No pulling Brian out of a situation he obviously couldn't, for whatever reason, handle? My mama had to SEND that family home. And Brian's mama was upset by our lack of empathy.

Sigh.

I don't know. But yeah, I do understand what the OP is trying to say. Be gentle with her-- it's not an attack.

And the fact that someone doesn't have kids does not, IMHO, automatically negate their input.
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Oh, I know what you're saying, chicagomom, re: unsolicited advice...

And I never assume I have all the facts. In fact, every time I see a child having a hard time, I think "bad day" or "something else is going on." Not "little brat!"

But...

Example: I was in a grocery store the other day, and a child of about 8 or 9 started browsing the donut section. He put his hands in every bin and picked through all the donuts-- licking his hands in between.

The mother saw me looking at him and said-- laughing-- "Oh, he's autistic. He likes to feel all of them."

I didn't know what to say-- my jaw was on the floor.

Now, I know that 99.9% of the women on this board would not behave like that. I don't imagine anyone here would use something like that as an excuse in such a situation. But that's a bit of an extreme... At some point, I guess you wonder, where do you draw the line? And that's a genuine question, not a conclusion. Do you draw a line? What matters? What doesn't? How does one come to those conclusions? Can one?

When I say "permissive," I don't mean "generally laid-back" or "GD," I mean it how it is usually defined-- no rules, no standards and NO discipline at all. Closer, IMO, to neglect than anything else.

It becomes frustrating when one is torn between "traditional" expectations of "obedience," for example, and knowing that it's less important how others view your child and your parenting than how well your parenting works for your child...

I just... don't want to swing to an extreme, in terms of diagnosing every behavior as part of a disorder. But that's because that's how *I* tend to think, not necessarily how anyone else here tends to think... *I* tend to, at times, lump certain issues into larger disorders-- not to make excuses, but... because it's easier for me to process that way? I don't know, and I'm not saying that's *bad*, but...

I'm still trying to figure this out...

Thanks, eightyft-- I guess it's just a difficult subject all-around. And what you describe is kinda what I'm getting at. That is, there's usually no point (except venting) in bringing up "abuses" of diagnoses or GD, since I am not accusing anyone here of those "abuses."

But how to reconcile in my own mind that I will be able to find the happy medium? How to address concerns (though we all know they may be ill-informed) of friends, family members, DH, etc., that I would be "coddling" my child, etc.? How to balance diagnoses and discipline?

That's what I'm wondering...
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This is a touchy subject. I am the mother of three children with special needs, including autism, SID, and the other labels that the OP thinks are more common here than elsewhere. I will confess that few things irritate me quite so much as hearing references to how these things are overdiagnosed because of the battle we had to fight getting a diagnosis so we could help our children. That has been the experience of the other parents I know in real life -- getting someone to take our concerns seriously because no one wants be be accused of "overdiagnosing." I have never met anyone who was a victim of overdiagnosing -- only rumors on the Internet.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can tell you why I am at MDC and the GD forum. One of the first things I read when we got the autism diagnosis was "forget about mainstream discipline practices -- they won't work with a child with autism" (paraphrasing). Since the advice in the mainstream parenting magazines made me feel icky, that wasn't a hardship. (And, on a side note, MDC fit well with my plans to avoid medicating my child). AP and GD are what we came to naturally because they work for our family. Most mainstream practices would not, and I don't say that lightly -- I never heard the terms GD or AP until 3 or 4 years ago, and I looked into *everything* trying to help our family.

Now about using a diagnosis as an excuse not to discipline? I've never seen it, but I'm usually focused on my own three. I make it a rule not to set us up for failure (no operas!), but sometimes incidents do occur. And sometimes, the reason for the behavior *is* the diagnosis. My oldest has been known to have developmentally-appropriate meltdowns, but he also has autism meltdowns. The difference may not be apparent to an outsider, but my ability to recognize the differences is what determines the effectiveness of my helping strategies. It has taken me years to figure this out. My assumption when someone says, "He has autism (or ADD, or SID or . . .)" is that they are still working on figuring it all out, and my heart hurts for them and their child because I know that pain. If someone wants an excuse to *not* discipline, then they will find an excuse regardless of their child's needs. But those are probably not going to be people who care enough about parenting to spend time at MDC, let alone the GD forum (sweeping generalization, I know).

One final point is that it *is* a balancing act. My first couple of years as a parent, I read parenting books. Then I spent a few years reading everything I could about my children's specific needs. Now we are at a point where I believe that the few issues we have are parenting issues rather than special needs issues, so I'm back to reading more parenting books. I think all parents who are passionate about being a parent try to find a balance between honoring their child's development and being an effective parent.

I'm not offended by the OP, but I am a little confused by it. I've answered as best as I can, but I feel like I may not be answering the real question.
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Quote:
If someone wants an excuse to *not* discipline, then they will find an excuse regardless of their child's needs. But those are probably not going to be people who care enough about parenting to spend time at MDC, let alone the GD forum (sweeping generalization, I know).
I think that is a good point, and one that I can see...

And I previously acknowledged the second part of what you're saying (people with these issues would tend to visit MDC, etc.)

It's tough, 'cause I'm not sure if I have a question or if I was just wondering what people thought about the issue...

As for some things just being part of the diagnosis-- absolutely. It was an immense relief to read this bit of advice in an adult ADD book for me... Something along the lines of: "Sometimes, you have to be able to tell your spouse (et al.) 'I guess that's my ADD again.' Not that that relieves you of all responsibilty for your actions-- and you should still *work on* that behavior-- but it is helpful to understand that X or Y is caused by your ADD, and not something else."

For example, my ADD (especially before I was treated) causes me to be kind of cruddy with directions, getting off at the right exit, etc. DH and I would get into long, drawn-out arguments/discussions about how I was maybe being passive-aggressive, and didn't really want to go to X event, so that's why I was making us late with bad directions, etc. Or that I didn't really respect him enough to be on time for Y...

Ever since I was diagnosed (with flying colors, LOL):

A) That doesn't happen as often, because I now realize what I can do to prevent the situation (hint: it's not "have more respect for DH."
)

and

B) When it does happen, it still stinks, but it's not as big a deal, b/c we both know it was not intentional.

I guess I still waver sometimes, though... because once in a while it *may* be (or may have been) that I *was*, on some level, being passive-agressive. Not usually, but sometimes. OTOH, I don't want to beat myself up about unrelated issues when ADD itself is usually "to blame."

I guess this is what you're talking about when you say you can tell the difference between your son's different "tantrums." I want to be able to do that, so that I'm addressing the *right* issue. If I have a kid with ADD, for example, I want to be able to see when he isn't cleaning his room because it's overwhelming for him to prioritize (an ADD issue), and treat it accordingly. OTOH, if it's the kind of thing he would do even if he didn't have ADD-- like not wanting to do a certain task because it's "boring," but not particularly difficult to prioritize, etc. (i.e., *not* necessarily an ADD issue)-- then I want to treat *that* accordingly...

Is it trial and error, in terms of knowing (or guessing) which is which? And how does this fit in with kids' needs for us to be "consistent?"
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