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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm in this place of seriously considering the merits of being single. The kids are fine (better then they have been in years when our marriage was more stable) - I'm thinking this way solely for <i>me</i>. It'd destroy DH, the younger children would be miserable, the older 2 wouldn't handle it well. But DH has these things...I don't know what to call it...he's ADD and has tourettes, depression, and more, and it's really hard to deal with it. The baby poured soda all over my keyboard while I was in the kitchen with DH literally 12 inches away - his back was turned so he didn't notice him. I gripe at him, he apologizes, and he tries, but the stuff going on with his head make it so hard for him to parent, to even <i>think</i> - and in turn, that makes it even harder on me.<br><br>
I know I'm being selfish thinking this way. It's not DH's fault. He didn't ask to be this way. We are still in love. But the stress, this crushing weight on my chest, from having to be the sole responsible parent and now the sole income provider (unless SSI/SSD goes through and I doubt it will), to not being able to meet my own needs...it's so hard to deal with. None of my coping techniques work any more. I can't meditate, I can't even lay in bed and day dream because I have 2 kicking screaming demons next to me, and as soon as they are out I am.<br><br>
It's just chaos. It's be easier if DH wasn't there, then I wouldn't have this expectation of help, kwim?<br><br>
What the heck do I do? How am I even supposed to feel?
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I know I'm being selfish thinking this way. It's not DH's fault. He didn't ask to be this way</td>
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Was he this way when you married him, or is this a result of a trauma/head injury type situation?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">But the stress, this crushing weight on my chest, from having to be the sole responsible parent and now the sole income provider (unless SSI/SSD goes through and I doubt it will), to not being able to meet my own needs...it's so hard to deal with</td>
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How would being a single parent lighten this load, other than not having to "care" for your dh? I would doubt he could handle any custody of the kids given what you've said, so you still wouldn't get any alone time.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">It's just chaos. It's be easier if DH wasn't there, then I wouldn't have this expectation of help, kwim?</td>
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Couldn't you hire some help, even a few hours a week? Trade with a friend?? I am just not understanding where your line of thinking is going. Could you give more info?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Sorry, I'm scatterbrained worse when I try to type out what thoughts are running through my head.<br><br>
Much if it frustration that there is another adult that "should" be able to help, and can't. When he's gone - for the weekend, even during the day when he did work - the house is calmer, I'm more "with it" because I know he's not there to clean up a mess or comfort a kid or whatever (I don't let my guard down). When he's home, I have to ask him to do every little thing - basic parenting duties, taking dishes to the sink, every thing. So in some ways, he's helpful, in other ways, he's far from it.<br><br>
He's gotten much worse over the years...when we got married I didn't "believe" he had ADD, now it's blazingly obvious, as well as the other stuff. Insomnia too, so the little help he could give with the kids, isn't there, because most day's he's sleeping half the day.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
He can't take ADD meds, they make the insomnia worse on the level that he gets so little sleep, he starts going....insane, I think it a good way of putting it. Totally loses reality. For the depression, he tried Lexapro and another one, both at different doses over long periods of time and they just made him tired and gain weight. So he stopped the meds, but now his weight is making the depression worse and his self esteem is shot to hell (he only gained 30lbs and he knows *I* still think he's hot, but it doesn't help, kwim?) Now he doesn't have health insurance and he's an able bodied white male, so the help that could be available, isn't available to him. Voc Rehab isn't interested in helping him either.<br><br>
After posting this last night I felt better. More willing to deal with the stress. Of course then the dishwasher broke and I had to hand wash 2 loads of dishes when I really actually needed to be doing a client's website, but oh well.<br><br>
DH has his first appointment for SSI benefits tomorrow morning. It's with a psychiatrist or some soft of "head doctor" - I don't remember his title. I hope it goes well!
 

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FWIW, I do not think (given what you wrote) that seperation would make your life any easier. You would be trading one kind of hard, for a (probably worse) different kind of hard.<br><br>
BUT, do I understand the temptation!<br><br>
Perhaps the biggest problem in our marriage to date (13 years) has been my resentment over unmet (yet realistic expectations). The only thing that has helped is genuinely giving up my expectations. I wish I could tell you how I did this, it wa a combination of:<br><br>
-keeping busy with fun stuff (my internet addiction, lol) so I do not see the mess he is not cleaning up<br>
-acknowledging that our issues are not deal breakers<br>
- reading about some of the pain of single parenthood. I know for me it is not worth it.<br>
-We did some serious talking about it.<br><br>
It has been a little better in recent months, but sometimes the resentment and anger creeps or bounds in.<br><br>
I hope you find resolution, even if only in yourself. HUGS<br><br>
Kathy
 

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he ejsut needs to go and work hard on it tha tcna be ediffiiuclt in hsi position. It might require dirivng a long way. there county and community sliding scale mental health clinincs.= where he would b ein touch with a social workekr who can point him out to some resourses. HE is not interested in Va Rehab? Well, then he is not interested in being with you.<br>
He reaelly should read up onb Bipolar disrodere. People with bipolar disorder during manic stage are often misdiagnose with ADHD and thena re given drugs that make them feel worse nad Anti-depressant given wihout modd stiblizers to the peopel with bipolar disroder often lead to mania episoze
 

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I'm feeling silly this morning...so you get this: Poof!<br><br>
You may be acouple well suited to a guest cottage. You get the main house, something palatial, with a housekeeper 2 times per week. On Tuesday, she cleans and neatens, and on Friday, she does all the grocery shopping, and then the laundry in the afternoon.<br>
Your husband lives in the guest cottage on the back of the estate. You both have your own space. His is really small, so he comes up the main house for hanging out, tv, conjugal visits, etc.<br><br>
Back to reality...<br>
Your baby is really young. I think 14 months is a hard time - the baby got really easy for a few weeks - smiling, helping you, understanding before going into a more difficult sorta-toddler stage where discipline becomes a bigger thing in life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
He's not bipolar. A few psychologist type people (titles elude me) have said that's definitely <i>not</i> what's going on.<br><br>
I said Voc Rehab wasn't interested in helping him, <i>not</i> he wasn't interested in using their services. He's tried to use their services in Idaho and Oregon now with no luck.<br><br>
He's been told for at least a half-dozen mental health clinics and many other people to get over it and buck up, get a job and support his family. Like social security, they think since each of his issues are treatable, so he should just "deal with it", when it's the sum of all the issues that make life hell for him. The VA won't help him because of the discharge he got (he got discharged from service because of this crap)...it's round and round...he's not bad enough for help, he's got too many issues to work and help out and support his family. It's maddening.<br><br>
I love the "guest cottage at the back of the estate" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Dang, if we had an estate, we'd be rich enough to not have so many problems! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
It will be easier when the baby is older. My 3 year old is just finally getting past the "terrible twos" and I'm enjoying him again...of course, the baby will be starting them soon, but at least it's one at a time. I think it will help when I can have my bed to myself (ourselves) - not cosleeping and nursing all night long (still, most of you know how that is)!<br><br>
Thanks for the advice and hugs, I appreciate it. I'm feeling better about things and that's the point of this forum I think =)
 

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Hang in there. The only thing that I would consider (if I were you) is this:<br>
say you split up--doesn't that mean that HE will get the kids some time?<br>
In other words, say he gets the kids a few nights a week--without YOU being there--would you be OK with that? With the way you have described him, the children being alone in his care would scare the he$& out of me. I'd be afraid that he could not care for them when they were with him. I can't imagine the things that could happen to the kids--seriously--if things are the way you described them. The lesser of two evils is to stay in the situation you are in right now--if he's that scattered, you don't want him alone with the kids and in charge. Yikes!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> This sounds so hard, Synthea, and you are so strong.<br><br>
The only thing I can say is, just keep taking the long view like you were in your last post. Things WILL get easier as the kids get older. And hopefully eventually something will come through for your husband's care, if you and he keep plugging away at it.<br><br>
Has he tried all the different ADD meds? Ritalin, Adderal, Strattera? They all work slightly differently.
 

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Hey there! We are in the same part of the world, so maybe I can be helpful in a more real life way.<br><br>
My best friend has tourettes and depression. Her husband has serious ADHD,and depression as does her son. Her best friend has depression and is seriously bi-polar. Her mother has neurological issues, as well. They have experience with <i>so many things</i>, and have gone through so much in their marriage. They know of GOOD therapy around here, many options and opportunities, and themselves are a wonderful resource and mentors.<br><br>
Would you like for me to help get you in contact with my best friend?
 

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love doesnt make life easier- just worth it.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br>
i try to remember this on the rough days- or, the parts of each day that is roughest. and u love your dh?right? and of course your babies, so, i do not have advice on the meds or therapies at this time,( sorry) but some sympathy/empathy- when you are the only bread winner, manager, housecleaner, cartaker for everyone around you. it can be overwhelming, but remenber the heart and the soul can glow with joy even when the body and spirit are dragging. working/struggling through each day, or each moment, for love is still better then gliding through an effortless, loveless exsistence.why else do it? some days i think-" im in love with a total azz", but i am still in love with him. and lately i have been getting almost 5 hours of sleep each night!( up from 40 minutes first year, 2 hours the second) and so life is improving- now if i could get dh to either make some $$ or just not consume so much food......at 250 pnds, there is a lot to love........
 

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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>Oh Amy; I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I know exactly what you mean and how you feel when you talk about not having an expectation for help as a single mom. You, especially, have alot on your plate having the kids, and your dad, and a husband who's not filling your needs right now!<br><br>
I wish I could offer advice or some magic answer; but I can't. What I can do, is be there for you if you want to talk. PM me...I'm around.</span></span></span>
 

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I am also of the opinion your husband should try some other meds - there are so many good ones out there now. There are many different classes of drugs. I hope your feeling better today. Mental health issues suck. My husband had been irritable and miserable for the last year, finally he got on a new medication that has helped immensly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Ok this is weird. Did a mod delete my last message? I posted right before Blu Razzberri (thank you btw BR =) ). I responded to you in it, embers and, have no clue what I said now, but the info would be great.<br><br>
He has tried Ritalin as a child and tried adderal last year. They made the conditions worse <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. Hopefully SSI/SSD will come through and he can get medical then and get some flippin' help.<br><br>
Thank you all for the responses <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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No suggestions as to what to do here....just a big<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
It must be incredibly hard and overwhelming to have everyone rely on you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: Please don't feel bad for being human, everyone has their moments....<br><br>
I know that you kinda knew what you were getting into when you married your dh, but that doesn't mean that you don't have the right to vent about the stress of, basically, being a single parent.<br><br>
The ages of your dc are very high needs right now in addition to the demands that your dh creates within the household. I think that I would be concerned if your weren't feeling overwhelmed...
 

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Try Catholic Community Services for counseling. You don't have to be Catholic, and frequently the therapists aren't even Catholic, either. I know mine wasn't! They have a great sliding scale, and will work with you on payment if you are really upfront with them.<br><br>
I know single parenting sometimes sounds like the answer. But let me tell you, having done both (and I was in a pretty unhappy, but not abusive marriage before), until I got together with my fiance, I frequently thought that if I had it to do over again, I would have stayed in the marriage.<br><br>
Do you have a spiritual community? Frequently, there are people who would LOVE an opportunity to help, but don't know you need it. I know it's hard to ask, but it's okay. Think of it this way: according to many religions, God not only tells us to help our brothers and sisters who need it, but promises us many blessings in return. Would you deny them those blessings?
 
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