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It's not even lunch time and I feel so emotionally drained that I don't even want to make it through the day and I feel myself wanting to just whole up somewhere and cry. Can't do that of course being a Mommy and all...<br><br>
First thing this morning my Mom starts in on me and my Dad about them not wanting me to have the homebirth here. Mom was all about paying the MW last weekend...now forget it, it's out of the question to birth here because they won't be able to live with themsleves if something goes wrong.<br><br>
I tired telling them statistics and facts and my my Mom called me stupid and brainwashed and that all the stats are hogwash. That I'm so easliy brainwashed and manipulated, look at my past two marriages for example. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Talk about hitting low. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Then I go to pick DD up this morning and STBX starts in on me he has a print out of my facebook page where I posted the thing that was going around for Domestic Violence:<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">While you SCREAM at your woman, there's a man wishing he could talk softly to her ear...While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND and INSULT her,there's a man flirting with her and reminding her how wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there's aman wishing he could make love to her. While you make your woman CRY there's a man stealing smiles from her. Post this on your wall if you're against Domestic Violence</td>
</tr></table></div>
He flipped on me telling me how I'm dragging his name through the mud and how dare I post that... and it proves that I'm obviously F*ing around behind his back and he was demanding to know who the other guy is.<br><br>
I told him it had nothing to do with him, it was nothing personal, as he can see his name is nowhere in it. It doesn't mean people are cheating... it means you shouldn't treat your woman like crap! And to remember that they do deserve to be treated nicely and there are people out there willing to do so.<br><br>
He said that tons of people have been coming up to him with this and how f*ed up I am... including people who I thought were my friends. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I'm trying to get DD's stuff together as fast as I can so I can just leave, and he just keeps going on telling me to F* off several times.<br><br>
Then he helps me bring stuff out to the car and he saw directions sitting on the seat and starts yelling at me about those and where they are to. I told him none of his business that I don't have to tell him anything anymore and to just let me go. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of being told I'm stupid and naive and brainwashed. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Maybe there are times where I didn't make the best decision in my life, but I do feel I have put a lot of though and research into very important ones.<br><br>
Will I ever get to live my own life without people yelling at me?
 

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Yes. You will one day look back on this and realize that you have total control over your life and no one can tell you what to do/not to do.<br><br>
I have to believe this because I am in that same situation right now. I have to believe that it wont always be like this.<br><br>
I feel that one day this will all be behind both of us.<br><br>
And a lot of people posted that FB thing, including myself and a ton of my friends who are not DV victims/survivors, so he is just wanting something to argue about <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
Is there any way that you can avoid seeing him when it is his turn to have your DD with him? When I managed the shelter none of my clients saw their abusers when their children went to visitation. It was a relative or a friend. Is that possible for you? He is going to try to get to you every chance he gets.
 

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Just want to give <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> s
 

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Major major <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Sometimes, when we are making big changes in our lives, those closest to us freak out a bit. They know the old you, and a new you, can be scary. You mother and your stbx both expect you to fulfill certain roles, and to act in certain ways. But you aren't doing that now because you realize how unhealthy it has been for you. So you are changing, but they aren't. They want you to continue to be who they are familiar with.<br><br>
I don't think that is all that is happening here though. Your mom is being abusive and manipulative too. I do hope that you have went out to get yourself on some kind of assisted (income based) housing list. You need your own home so that you can really start finding out who you are and what makes you happy.<br><br>
In some ways I still experience this with my family, my father in particular. I have some pretty outlandish "crunchy" ideas and beliefs about life. He doesn't accept them and is always attempting to bring me back into "compliance" with who he thinks I should be. Yes, it's a struggle at times, and I hate being tested, and feeling like I am unappreciated and unaccepted for what makes me uniquely me. But I will no longer sacrifice what makes me happy, what makes me a whole unique person just to fit into someone elses ideal of who I should be. I'm comfortable in my own skin and in my own beliefs. It's up to everyone around me if they can be comfortable enough to accept me as I am.
 

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I don't really know what to say, except that I know you are NOT 'stupid' or 'naive' or 'brainwashed' and I know I've read very thoughtful, well-researched posts that you've written and there's no way anyone in their right mind would consider you naive or whatever... they are the ones brainwashed by all of the stuff they think is right but is so clearly wrong... haha sorry if that makes no sense but now is the time to live your life even amoungst the yelling from others and it's not fair that you should have to turn a deaf ear to it all but you do, you just have to keep yourself focused on your own goals, your own plans, your own research & experience. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/flowersforyou.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Flowersforyou"><br><br>
Facebook can help or harm. Can you defriend your stbx and his friends? I did it the other day, but am still afraid I've missed someone so haven't posted there. I did change my relationship status and boy did they come out of the woodwork wondering how I could separate from that saint. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
Stay strong. You followed your heart and gut by leaving. I think the hard part (for me anyway) is to continue to follow my heart with the smaller decisions. When you spend so much of your time being told how you think, then to think on your own. . . I know I'm second guessing myself about a lot of things.<br><br>
Btw, this is my second divorce and third abusive relationship, I empathize what you're going through. I know I've played a part in picking abusers as mates, but I refuse to accept responsiblity for someone else's actions. I didn't put the abusive cycle in place, I was totally taken aback when it started. I'm sure you were too.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Theia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15437370"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Sometimes, when we are making big changes in our lives, those closest to us freak out a bit. They know the old you, and a new you, can be scary. You mother and your stbx both expect you to fulfill certain roles, and to act in certain ways. But you aren't doing that now because you realize how unhealthy it has been for you. So you are changing, but they aren't. They want you to continue to be who they are familiar with.<br><br>
I don't think that is all that is happening here though. Your mom is being abusive and manipulative too. I do hope that you have went out to get yourself on some kind of assisted (income based) housing list. You need your own home so that you can really start finding out who you are and what makes you happy.<br><br>
In some ways I still experience this with my family, my father in particular. I have some pretty outlandish "crunchy" ideas and beliefs about life. He doesn't accept them and is always attempting to bring me back into "compliance" with who he thinks I should be. Yes, it's a struggle at times, and I hate being tested, and feeling like I am unappreciated and unaccepted for what makes me uniquely me. But I will no longer sacrifice what makes me happy, what makes me a whole unique person just to fit into someone elses ideal of who I should be. I'm comfortable in my own skin and in my own beliefs. It's up to everyone around me if they can be comfortable enough to accept me as I am.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Thank you for this. It helped some this morning. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I do have some numbers to housing, but I doubt I will get in by November. And I can't keep planning a homebirth when I have nowhere to have it... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that I'm going to have to look for a new care provider, which I am NOT doing well with.<br><br>
It's seems silly... but I really feel broken all over again. I don't feel like I have much control over my own life. And it's the worse feeling in the world.<br><br>
I know that I make too much money. Haha, stupid governement and their ridiculous lines of what people can live on. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> I supposedly make 180% more than the poverty line for a family of three. I honestly don't know how people do it.<br><br>
I searched through the apartment listings again this weekend in hopes to find something I could manage, even a one bedroom in a semi questionable neighborhood... no go. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Most things were in the neighborhood of $700. I simply can't afford that!! That's two weeks pay!<br><br>
And I have no idea what I can expect in child support until STBX takes me and his ex to domestics. I wonder how long that will take. *sighs*<br><br>
But come July DD will be in fulltime daycare. Which is $175/wk. And yeah I don't qualify for any aide there either.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I'm destined to never have my own life and live with my parents who will question everything I do and be sure to tell me over and over again how stupid I can be... yay for me.<br><br>
The messed up part is... it's still better here than with ex.<br><br>
I hate my life. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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are you still totally against moving back into your mom's rental, with a roommate? if you split the rent & utilities there, it would be so cheap, especially for "half" of a 4br house. i do remember you said you don't want a roommate, but sharing with another single mama seems less stressful than living with your parents. or you could get two college-girl roommates to each take one room for $300/month and be even better off financially. isn't stbx moving out the first of june, or the end of june?<br><br>
did you look at adjusting your tax withholdings and 401(k) contributions so you have more take-home pay?<br>
this is the tax withholding calculator. answer it as if you're a head-of-household single mama with full-time daycare expenses:<br><a href="http://www.irs.gov/individuals/article/0,,id=96196,00.html" target="_blank">http://www.irs.gov/individuals/artic...=96196,00.html</a><br><br>
eta: i hate your current circumstances too, really, and i'm not trying to be pushy with all the advice . . . just wishing i could help a sister out! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Except moving back into the rental still gives my parents veto power. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
And I had thought about it... and calculated it out a few different ways, and the house even shared with a room mate is out of my budget now, or will be when the new baby gets here and I have to pay for daycare on two. The state of PA can only take so much of STBX's paycheck, and what I will get just isn't going to help much...<br><br>
And yes, I had adjusted my witholding and 410K contributions a few months ago.
 

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isn't daycare for two kids essentially your entire take-home pay? once you have two, do you qualify for cc assistance or other stuff? i'm not trying to stress you out by bringing this stuff up, but if you want to hash out your plans, i'm here!
 
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