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<p>I got some bad news last night and need to be able to express my saddness about it to folks who dont know the people involved.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My SIL miscarried.  She started bleeding earlier this week, they scheduled the U/S and then the baby passed naturally sometimes in the last two days. </p>
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<p>They have a 4 year old and have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year.  They desperately wanted a baby and it was so hard to tell them we were pregnant, totally unplanned when I knew they had been trying for so long.  I was so happy for them when they called a month later to tell us they were pregnant too!  She wants 4 children, will be 36 this year and doesnt want them right on top of each other.. so it was getting really frustrating for her when she got her period every month.  They were overjoyed.</p>
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<p>SIL had horrible HG her first pregnancy and every time I talked to her and she said she felt great, Id get this little nagging feeling of dread because Ive never heard of someone being so sick one pregnancy and having not a smidge of sickness in other pregnancies.  I know I havent heard of everything and I never mentioned it to her, but it was like a warning bell went off every time she said it.. but I just thanked God, because she had enough morningsickness for 20 people last time.. and prayed for the health of both of our pregnancies each night.</p>
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<p>Im just so so sad for them.  Im also selfishly sad of losing that relationship during this pregnancy.  She didnt tell us about the miscarriage.  My FIL let it slip to my husband yesterday.  He didnt mean to, he just figured we would know.  If I wasnt pregnant, I know we would know.  I can already feel her distancing herself from us in that action.  I feel so sad for her that I get to be the painful reminder of what might have been.  I feel horrible because I just sent her a little pregnancy care package along with a gift for my nephew's birthday.  Great timing, huh?  It should have arrived yesterday or today.  Talk about rubbing salt in a wound.  I thought about contacting her husband to ask him to intercept it, but Im not supposed to know about the miscarriage, so I cant.</p>
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<p>I dont know how long it will take her to tell me.  Im just going to wait for that time to unfold.  Im praying my package doesnt hurt her and she feels the love that was intended in it, not the loss.  Ironically, it actually could be a package of love to nurture herself instead of one related to pregnancy if I just wouldnt have included a card about how happy I was for them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyone deal with anything like this?  Any tips?</p>
 

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<p>oh no oh no oh no. <img alt="greensad.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/greensad.gif"></p>
<p>mama this is so hard. ugh.</p>
<p>i am soooo thankful that nobody i know is pregnant and miscarrying right now. sheesh...talk about a guilt trip when it isn't even your fault. i know when we had an early miscarriage last year i HATED being around anybody pregnant...i avoided baby showers and newborns like the plague. it's not your fault that your thoughtful gift will arrive during bad timing. no words of advice, just hugs. ugh. so sad and horrible <img alt="greensad.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/greensad.gif"></p>
 

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<p>i wouldn't wait for them to tell you. </p>
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<p>you know, so why pretend you don't.  if you think a phone call would be too difficult, maybe write them a heartfelt letter.  it's important for them to know you're thinking of them and are there for them if they need you. </p>
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<p>it may be too hard for her right now to face you or even talk to you, but it will get easier for her.  give her time and space, but also let her know you're there for her. </p>
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<p>sorry mama, this is a difficult situation. <img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/hug.gif"></p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>samstress</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278850/sil-miscarried-need-to-decompress-and-welcome-any-advice#post_16039541"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>i wouldn't wait for them to tell you. </p>
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<p>you know, so why pretend you don't.  if you think a phone call would be too difficult, maybe write them a heartfelt letter.  it's important for them to know you're thinking of them and are there for them if they need you. </p>
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<p>it may be too hard for her right now to face you or even talk to you, but it will get easier for her.  give her time and space, but also let her know you're there for her. </p>
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<p>sorry mama, this is a difficult situation. <img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/hug.gif"></p>
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<br><br><p>you know, i agree. i think that even though it is a really tough thing to talk about, maybe an email would be sufficient so that she knows that you care and don't know what to see really and feel badly but don't want to push her into talking if she isn't ready. you know? ugh. how far along was she do you know? </p>
 

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Discussion Starter #5
<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>samstress</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278850/sil-miscarried-need-to-decompress-and-welcome-any-advice#post_16039541"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>i wouldn't wait for them to tell you. </p>
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<p>you know, so why pretend you don't.  if you think a phone call would be too difficult, maybe write them a heartfelt letter.  it's important for them to know you're thinking of them and are there for them if they need you. </p>
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<p>it may be too hard for her right now to face you or even talk to you, but it will get easier for her.  give her time and space, but also let her know you're there for her. </p>
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<p>sorry mama, this is a difficult situation. <img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/hug.gif"></p>
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<br><br><p>I dont really want to get my FIL in trouble.  He was not supposed to say anything but my husband said something that FIL took as us knowing.  SIL has a shaky relationship with her father as it is, Im definitely not adding that stress to her life right now.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>MamaChef</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278850/sil-miscarried-need-to-decompress-and-welcome-any-advice#post_16039764"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p><br>
 </p>
<br><br><p>I dont really want to get my FIL in trouble.  He was not supposed to say anything but my husband said something that FIL took as us knowing.  SIL has a shaky relationship with her father as it is, Im definitely not adding that stress to her life right now.</p>
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<p>I would tell her the whole story - your DH said something, FIL assumed you knew, no one's fault, and oh god, don't open that package if it will make you sad, just put it away on a shelf someplace, honey we are so sorry. </p>
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<p>In the days after my miscarriage, a pregnancy care package arriving at my house would have triggered a *huge* crying jag if I'd opened it.  Never mind what it would have done to my husband, who was also a wreck.  Please oh please call and warn them.<br>
 </p>
 

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<p>That is so rough.  I wouldn't say anything until she tells you.  I can imagine she would want to decide who to tell and when.  I've had many miscarriages, and for me it would take me a little while to be able to face pregnant friends of mine without resentment.. so I would definitely give her time, and be ready with love and compassion for her.  </p>
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<p>So sorry you are going thru this.. and so sorry for your SIL's loss.  <img alt="greensad.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/greensad.gif"></p>
 

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Discussion Starter #8
<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>MeepyCat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278850/sil-miscarried-need-to-decompress-and-welcome-any-advice#post_16039790"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><br><br><p> </p>
<p>I would tell her the whole story - your DH said something, FIL assumed you knew, no one's fault, and oh god, don't open that package if it will make you sad, just put it away on a shelf someplace, honey we are so sorry. </p>
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<p>In the days after my miscarriage, a pregnancy care package arriving at my house would have triggered a *huge* crying jag if I'd opened it.  Never mind what it would have done to my husband, who was also a wreck.  Please oh please call and warn them.<br>
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<p><br>
Hubby found the tracking slip.  Package got delivered at 5pm on Wed before I ever had any clue.  I thought it would take longer.  It probably hit on the worst possible day.  I did tell her I was sending her some floradix with the package for my nephew so Im just praying she put it aside.</p>
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<p>Either she intuitively didnt open the part of the package addressed to her, or it's done.  I cant take it back and this is really making me feel like crap right now.  Ive been crying since I found out about all of this that I sent that package at such a bad time.</p>
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<p> </p>
 

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<p>Well you can't blame yourself.. it was a thoughtful thing to do and you had no idea what was about to happen.  Of course, I would be miserable too.. just sayin.  <img alt="" src="http://files.mothering.com/hug2.gif" title=""></p>
 

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<p>oh no <img alt="greensad.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/greensad.gif"><img alt="greensad.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/greensad.gif"><img alt="greensad.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/greensad.gif"></p>
 

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<p>Don't beat yourself up over the package, you didn't know.  And I wouldn't say anything until she tells you, but I would ask your FIL if she told your SIL that you know.  Because if she knows you know she might be wondering why you're not saying anything, otherwise if she didn't want to say anything that's her choice she's just not ready.  Sorry for your loss that was your neice/nephew and it sucks <img alt="greensad.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/greensad.gif"></p>
 
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<p>that's a tough situation!  I think you should call and tell her the truth that your FIL thought you guys already knew and tell her how sorry you are for her loss.  I would also mention the care package!  Like other women have said your SIL is hurting right now and opening a package with pregnancy care items would be a huge slap in the face, even though she knows you didn't send them to hurt her. </p>
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<p>After my losses I didn't want to be around other preg. ladies or babies, it's nothing personal it's just painful.  Don't feel guilty, I'm sure she's happy for you guys but needs a little distance to work through her grief and emotions.    :hugs</p>
 

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<p>First, I am sorry that she is going through this, and that she hasn't told you or a lot of other people. It is so hard to go through that alone/nearly alone. Second, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this also, it is easy to say it isn't your fault...it's not, of course, but that doesn't stop the guilt. </p>
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<p>I also want to tell you my quick story related to this, because I was on the other side. </p>
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<p>DH and I had been trying for over a year, and we got pregnant in Dec. 06, we called everyone right away. Three days later I had a misscarriage. (Chemical pregnancy) My much younger cousin got married that month and in January we all went to a family picnic. My uncle walked in and said, "hey girl congrats on the pregnancy!" I turned and said, "Oh, I thought you knew, we lost the baby", He then told me he was congratulating my cousin, who had accidentally gotten pregnant on her wedding night. I was devastated. I ended up crying so hard, I had to leave. I could not talk to my cousin for a month, but it got easier, I knew it wasn't her fault, I knew sometimes things just happen. It was hard, but I got through it, and then I was able to call my cousin and tell her what I went through. She loved me through it and then the next month, we got a positive again. in Dec. 07 our little girl was born. My cousin was there with me when she was born and our children are best friends. (They are two months apart)</p>
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<p>She is going to need time to grieve, but I know that she will be okay. I think that the gift you sent will end up helping her feel better and I hope that she reaches out for others to help support her now in this difficult time. </p>
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<p>I am sending good thoughts to you and to her. I, personally, would not call her right away, that may bring up a lot of other things for her, but when she does call to tell you, give her as much love and support as you can. </p>
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<p>Blessings to all of you, </p>
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<p>Cerise</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #14
<p>SIL called last night to tell us the news.  Im so glad I didnt call her or interfere with her process!  Likely we would have hit the answering machine anyway as they were taking time to process and I would have never left condolences on an answering machine.</p>
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<p>Luckily, she was not upset by the care package.  Other then the card which just said, "Here are some things to pamper yourself and feed your appetites.  We are so excited for you!", it wasnt really "pregnancy" related.  I sent dairy free chocolate bars, a lavender candle, some foot lotion, floradix, pomegranates, an essential oil flax bag, bath salts and gluten free cookies.  She said it made her feel very loved and wasnt triggering at all.  She lit the candle, took it into the bath, and enjoyed the bath salts while she ate a pomegranate and a chocolate bar...  Hubby gave her a foot massage after while she ate the cookies, drank some spiked hot chocolate and she was able to use the flax bag for the cramping..</p>
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<p>Im so thankful it wasnt triggering and so glad she called on her own accord and felt like she was at a place where she wanted to share the information, instead of being forced to.</p>
 

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<p>oh good.  it sounds like it was the perfect thing she could have received at such a horrible time! <img alt="love.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/love.gif"></p>
 

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<p>so glad it worked out. </p>
 

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<p>I'm so glad it worked out in a healing way.Hugs to all.</p>
 
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