[mamalita]

So, there's this whole mess that happened and is pretty much blown over, but I'm still worked up about it. My DS turned 2 this weekend and we had a party. My SIL (who is already not the World's Nicest Person and is always stirring things up) sent an email to my and DH's common email address. She titled it "directions" and I opened it hoping she was confirming that she knew how to get here (she lives 3 hours away). Instead, she requested from DH directions and then mentioned that she couldn't wait to smooch DS and questioned how much "stranger-imposed kissing" he tolerated these days. She hasn't seen DS in a full year so she is most definately a stranger. Of course, I just saw red.

I responded with a polite email saying that since she truly WAS a stranger that we would hope she would respect DS and not attempt to force any affection that he wasn't comfortable with. In addition, I told her to not feel attacked by this email and that DS was very loving and affectionate and may warm up to her and hold her hand etc. by the end of the visit, but that she needed to respect his preferences.

Well, she emails back and spazes out saying that "I can't tell her how to interact with A. (my DS)" and then she calls DH later that day and started going off. DH then got angry at me saying that he was addressed in the email (not me) and that I therefore had no right to respond (however, he often asks me to check email

). Granted, he did have a point, and I apologized and we have a new email agreement (I'm no longer his personal assistant

), but I was trying to avoid an in-person confrontation (even a mellow one) at the party and felt that it was my responsibility as DS' mom to gently spell out our expectations. Was I *wrong*? If so, I just can't see it. . . But also, why do people think they have the right to grab DS simply because they are blood relatives? This gets me going in a BIG way.

Sorry this got so long. Thanks for letting me get this out.

edited for grammer

 

[captain optimism]

Oooooh. That was a call for so much tact...you really needed a degree in International Relations, specializing in world conflict, to get through that one!

She asked you how much kissing your son would tolerate. You wanted to answer the question. But she really wanted to get the answer from her brother, your dh, and in language that meant something to her. That is, in the kind of language they would use in their family of origin. Is that right?

I guess if someone asked me that question, I would have said, "Ds will certainly enjoy kisses from you, once he gets to know you again. We are so glad you are coming in for this event, ds hasn't seen you in ages. We know he'll warm up to you once you've been at our house for awhile."

You know that you are, of course, in the right. Your SIL knows that, too, that's why she flew off the handle.

 

[KLK7]

Really, I see two issues here.
1. about the email and your DH, which now is resolved

and
2. About your SIL and her 'tude. I don't think you were in the wrong, to answer your question. I think your DH needs to back you up on this. After all, it is his sister. You might need to smooth things over with her just to cool her off, but stand your ground.
And yes, you CAN tell her how to interact with YOUR son.

 

[nikirj]

Well, my first thought was that if it was addressed to your DH, maybe your SIL and DH have some more gentle way of communicating such things, and it was offensive to her that you jumped in like that. I know that if I send an email to someone, I expect that the person I addressed it to would respond to it, and assume that if someone else does, they have major issues with something I said and feel that they have to take it upon themselves to 'set something straight.' I'm wondering if your SIL didn't feel walked-upon in this way.

And then, I think...OF COURSE YOU CAN TELL YOUR SIL how to interact with YOUR CHILD! That is a ridiculous thing to say.

 

[Stevie]

"sent an email to my and DH's common email address"

I say she KNEW you were going to see the email and was hoping to get the kind of response that she did. I would Order DH (in whatever gentle way they do those things in his family of origin) to explain to her that you are teaching DS the difference between good touching and bad, and that part of that lesson is in allowing him to decide what touching HE is okay with.

Otherwise you are teaching him that sometimes grownups can do things to you that make you uncomfortable. Stand up for your son's right to decide himself; it may save him from a molestation down the road...

 

[huggerwocky]

.~

 

[DancerMom]

I don't know how verbal your son is, but I started teaching my daughter a while ago that if she didn't want to be hugged or kissed, she should say that, and that it's her body. My mom (who is awesome and supportive, just not always exactly on the same page as us) would make a game of asking for a kiss or hug, my daughter would say no, and she'd say in a joking voice "well, I'm gonna get one!" Sort of like an I'm gonna getcha game. Soemtimes my daughter liked it, and sometimes not, so I didn't want to tell my mom to never do it.

So we were working with my daughter on how it's her choice, and sure enough, one day my mom went to kiss her when she had said no, and clear as day my daughter says, "No, it's MY body!" My mother now listens whenever my daughter says no. My sister was also there, and she's the same way now...very respectful of my daughter's boundaries. It was pretty cool.

 

[jhcmama]

I think your position is/was totally justified, but maybe you should have had your husband respond to the e-mail, since it was sent to him. But still, you are totally in the right.