[lauraess]

My freind is having a baby by someone she chooses not to be with and He is apparently going to "be there"--- What ever that means

. as you can see i dont trust the situation or at least i think this could be way challenging. Anyway, I wanted to know What would be the specific things, after having legal counseling that she should make sure and do/have in order to protect herself and the baby?
Thanks in advance~
laura

 

[magnoliablue]

If she is planning to breastfeed, she needs to outline this in the visitation schedule and let the court know so that there are no overnight visits until a certain age. I would also have she and the father come to some kind of agreement as far as parenting styles...very hard to enforce, but at least if she has strong ideas of what she wants, having them in writing lessons the chance he will go against them. Other than that I can't think of anything, but if I do, I will post. Peace.

 

[mocha09]

attorney, attorney, attorney!!! One can offer far better advice than I can, at least! I wish her luck. Point her to this direction when the baby comes! We'll support her on the emotional end!

 

[comet]

Definitely needs a lawyer. Tell her not to assume that she'll have custody just bcs it's her baby. Beyond that, I'm not sure what you mean about protecting herself and her baby. If he ever abused her, document it now, bcs a year or two from now will be too late. Hmmm, what else? I need more info about her situation.

 

[lauraess]

Thanks to everyone already and to comet: We are in Pa if those laws are familiar to you and if that means anything regarding custody. I was concerned about general welfare, not abuse related. For instance, keeping her rights and having support. I realize she needs an attorney, and she will learn more there. is it really that easy to have custody of a child when two arent and never were married?--- Even if he didnt "want" the baby in the first place?-- I suppose theres no way of proving that if it was in question.
Laura

 

[comet]

Yes, Laura. It is absolutely that easy. Both parents are assumed to have equal access to the child by default. Of course, with newborns, they usually default to the mom in the beginning, but that can only last for 6 months and only if she is breastfeeding. Yes, and no way to prove the dad never wanted the baby. Even ifyou got him saying that on tape, or him writing that to her in a letter, it doesn't matter. He's allowed to change his mind now.

One obstacle in his way could be if she doesn't name him as the father on the birth certificate. I'm not recommending it, but it would make it harder to claim paternity. Of course, would make it harder to get child support, too. Just something to be aware of.

I don't know the laws in Pennsylvania, but the main things to negotiate are usually legal custody and physical custody. Physical custody determines where the child will live and is the more important custody to get. Child support, of course, but often that is non-negotiable and set by the courts.

 

[ktmama]

Based on my experience, I would say she absolutely needs to push for sole decision making as to religion, education and health matters. BFing could be considered a health issue as will alternative medicines, vaccinations, etc.

She doesn't just need an attorney, she needs a GOOD attorney and she needs to ask her attorney to walk her through all the relative issues, step by step, slowly.

Also, something else I swear by is recording phone conversations with my dd's dad (check out local laws with your attorney), keeping all emails and keeping a record of EVERYTHING! I have a simple journal on my computer that I enter everything, everything, everything. Even is she thinks that something is harmless or a one-time "mistake", record it because it may become a pattern. Didn't President Reagan say, "Trust, but verify".? Wish her luck!

 

[lauraess]

Thanks so much mamas. your advice sounds great. so, should she get the Good attorney now?-- 3 months away from edd?
Laura

 

[mocha09]

I think that would be a great idea. Now would be the best time for her to interview, and find the right attorney for her. She's not going to have the time or energy once the baby is born.

Nothing legal (child support, custody, etc.) can be set up at this point. Everything must wait until after the baby is born. But if she finds an attorney now, she'll be prepared and know what to expect.

I hope you keep us up to date on her situation!

 

[lauraess]

I will be coming here again, unless she does someday.
thanks sooo much

Laura

 

[MamaChris]

Here is my story and i hope it helps your friend. When I was inthe hospital I had my mom arrange with the nurses to bring the birth certificate to the room to be signed only when my son's father was not there. Because he didn't sign the birth certificate he now has to sue me for any custodial or visitation rights. However because he publicly acknowledges our son he has to pay child support regardless of whether or not he is granted visitation---At least until we finally goto court in a few months. For the last year while I adjusted to being a new mom and decided what to do, This simple tactic has given me a lot of respite and safety from an emotionally abusive man.

blessings,
Chris

 

[StephandOwen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lauraess is it really that easy to have custody of a child when two arent and never were married?--- Even if he didnt "want" the baby in the first place?-- I suppose theres no way of proving that if it was in question. Laura

YES! It really is that easy. I just went through this 2 weeks ago in court. SOB lied right through his a$$ to the Judge and ended up with visitation rights of our 8 month old. (we were never married) Fortunatly I had a very nice Judge who accepted my visitation schedule (my lawyer suggested I make one to present to the Judge so that he would see I was trying to be nice- your friend might want to try something similar). There is hope though- my lawyer explained that DS was breastfed around the clock and had never been away from me. SOB only has 1 hour visitation right now to try not to interferre with DS nursing (well, there are other reasons for it but that was one).

I also second documenting everything. Every time they talk, what happens, who called who, when he sees her, asks about the baby. ANYTHING! Good luck to your friend.

 

[Junitune]

I agree that he will have 'equal' rights, regardless of their relationship. If he chooses, at any time, to sue for paternity or custody, he has that right. I agree with the others who say don't volunteer anything. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Make him 'work' for it. By that I mean he has to either sign and notarize an affidavit of parentage or sue for paternity. The longer the time passes, the more it is in the mother's favor. Most states will allow the mother to get 'back' support - back to the date of the birth of the child, so if she doesn't do anything for a few/several months or years, it will make it that much tougher for him to come forward and demand his rights (because he might have to cough up thousands of dollars in back child support). Make sure he knows this if he starts making noises about suing for paternity and his 'rights'.

My advice to any woman who doesn't want to be involved with the father of her child is, don't involve him (i.e. don't sue for child support). Get on with your life. Figure out how to support the child yourself. You can't guarantee he won't pursue it anyway, but trust me, you are MUCH better off figuring out a way to support the child yourself than dealing with the thousands and thousands of dollars attorneys cost and the nightmare of fighting a custody battle. I know there are lots of people out there who say a child deserves both parents, but I don't agree with that in all situations. I would have to say, NO child deserves to be put in our court system. There are no winners.

Best of luck to your friend!

 

[hoppytoad]

I don't post here much anymore, but I have to say.... I agree with the above poster. My dd, who will be 2 soon, has a sperm donor who never, ever saw her. We agreed while I was pregnant that he would never contact us. He made my life hell and made many threats to me that he'd use my child to make it even worse. I offered to him a chance to be responsibility-free, and he jumped at it. Actually, it took him an hour to decide, so he really thought things through.

It's been so, so difficult financially sometimes, but things ALWAYS work out. I've never received any child support (this was our agreement) and he's never been around to make us miserable. No court battles, no visitations, etc.

Let me tell you, the peace of mind is worth more than any support check I could ever receive. And knowing that my daughter has been spared a trip through the court system.... I can't even explain how valuable that is to me.

Now, I know that your friend might have to deal with a father who wants to be involved, and I think that's great if he will have the child's best interest at heart. But you know what? Having a dad who makes everyone's life miserable and who uses you to get back at your mother is worse than never knowing a father at all. I say if she has good reason to believe he's just going to "be there" so he's spared paying some child support, she should think long and hard about not having him involved at all. I think it should be a mutual decision, though, and she should only bring it up if she thinks he'd take her up on it.

I never put dd's bio dad on the birth certificate, and he's made good on his promise to leave us alone. I haven't filed for child support, and we've made it okay on our own. I do have a way to reach him if there is ever a need for medical history, etc., though. Bio dad also knows that if he comes back into the picture, he'd be coughing up a lot of back child support at the same time, so that is added incentive to keep things status quo.

Some people may think I'm horrible for giving dd's bio dad an opportunity to opt out of sharing his part of the load, but I don't feel that way. She is happy, adjusted, and loves life. When the time comes for her to ask about him, she will know the truth. It may hurt then, and she might have some issues to work through, but I think those issues will be far better than the alternative.

And you know what else? Life goes on.... I've met a wonderful man, he's a great father to his kids, and he proposed to me on our one year anniversary.

 

[lauraess]

Karen, thanks for your advice. I think you did the right thing for all involved. your dd is lucky to have such a smart mom.
Congratulations on your new love! other single moms should hear this since i thnk sometimes they dont think it will ever happen for them.
Laura