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1,230 Posts
Is there anybody else here in the same boat as me, feeling like you take care of everbody and nobody takes care of you?
The holidays really brought me down, this year... I always have this idealized vision of how things should be, and of course it never works out that way. I really miss having a "real family". I hate having to share my girls. Life really isn't shaping up the way I expected.
My last relationship was very abusive. I know that having children, and needing to protect them, should have made me more resistant to keeping a jerk around, but it seemed to do the opposite. I was so upset about the prospect of being alone again, this time with TWO children, that I hung on to DD 2's father even though it was getting worse and worse.
I was such a bold, adventurous young girl once... what happened to me?
I want adult company, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold. I know I'll have all of that again, some day, but just thinking about finding someone new fills me with dread. What kind of guy wants to take on 2 children? especially when one of them is a baby? And how do you ever trust again after being hurt so badly that you felt like you couldn't go on? It'll be some time before I'm ready to try again. In the meanwhile, I do have a good family and great friends, but people have their own lives to live. And I have mine.
Half the time I feel like a machine. I perform my task and get things done. I'm the Mommymatic2004. I wipe butts, brush hair, go to the store, drop this off, pick that up, and try to get enough sleep.
I'm glad to be free of a poisonous relationship, believe me. But at least I got the comfort of denial! Now all I have is this big cold slice of reality, and reality really stinks, sometimes.
At the same time I feel like a creep for getting so down when I have 2 beautiful, healthy girls, but there you are.
Am I the only worn-out, torn-down, nothing-but-a-mommy, here?
The holidays really brought me down, this year... I always have this idealized vision of how things should be, and of course it never works out that way. I really miss having a "real family". I hate having to share my girls. Life really isn't shaping up the way I expected.
My last relationship was very abusive. I know that having children, and needing to protect them, should have made me more resistant to keeping a jerk around, but it seemed to do the opposite. I was so upset about the prospect of being alone again, this time with TWO children, that I hung on to DD 2's father even though it was getting worse and worse.
I was such a bold, adventurous young girl once... what happened to me?
I want adult company, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold. I know I'll have all of that again, some day, but just thinking about finding someone new fills me with dread. What kind of guy wants to take on 2 children? especially when one of them is a baby? And how do you ever trust again after being hurt so badly that you felt like you couldn't go on? It'll be some time before I'm ready to try again. In the meanwhile, I do have a good family and great friends, but people have their own lives to live. And I have mine.
Half the time I feel like a machine. I perform my task and get things done. I'm the Mommymatic2004. I wipe butts, brush hair, go to the store, drop this off, pick that up, and try to get enough sleep.
I'm glad to be free of a poisonous relationship, believe me. But at least I got the comfort of denial! Now all I have is this big cold slice of reality, and reality really stinks, sometimes.
At the same time I feel like a creep for getting so down when I have 2 beautiful, healthy girls, but there you are.
Am I the only worn-out, torn-down, nothing-but-a-mommy, here?
