[cwoodard]

I hope you will excuse the vent, but I'm about at the end of my rope with the lack of night time help from DH ever since first child was born Feb 2008.

I have insomnia. My son appears to take after me and has never slept through the night. At almost 3.5 years he still wakes up at night. I have co-slept with him in our master bedroom pretty much since he was born so that I could get some sleep at least. And I do like co-sleeping. I like the cuddle time, and I like that it's proven to be the only way for me to get some sleep. My husband has been sleeping in a guest room all that time. Never helped me at night except the past 10 months he will sleep with him one night a week on the weekends so I can have a night to myself. (That isn't going to be happening anymore though since hubby thinks things are "back to normal" since we're sleeping together again.) He has been grumbling more often lately about not liking sleeping alone, and I figured we should get DS in his own room before #2 comes along. So I agreed to to move DS to a room of his own.

We put a queen size mattress on the floor in DS' room this time (have tried moving him before but gave up after it didnt stop night waking, and i got tired of "sleeping" on the floor of his room after a month and a half. yep, no help from hubby on those attempts either). Let him help decorate the room. He loves it. No problems on his side moving in there. It doesn't fix his waking up at night problems though of course. So now I've been trying, and failing, to sleep in the master bedroom with DH. I've slept with earplugs for the last 18 years. Only way I can sleep. The littlest noises will either keep me up or wake me up. Can't sleep with ear plugs if I am to hear when DS wakes up. Hubby is snoring. I just sit there staring at the ceiling waiting for DS to wake up (down to only once a night most nights, between 1 and 2 am). Hubby sleeps through everything. Takes about half an hour to wake him up. No point in trying to get him to wake up and do something. So I go in DS' room and spend the rest of the night there getting kicked and pummeled by him (he's been doing this a lot for the last couple of months). I can use ear plugs when I'm right next to him at least.

Last night I just went to bed with son at his bedtime and stayed there. Just couldn't take another night of no sleep. Guess I am just going to keep doing this so I can get some sleep. DH will just have to gripe. Just going to suck to be in a smaller bed when we did have a king sized bed for the co-sleeping! I was so tired I forgot to put a diaper on him (still in diapers for bedtime). Three hours later he flooded the bed and I had to strip it, change him. Couldn't get back to sleep for hours.

I can't understand why, after multiple discussions and fights about this, DH can't see that his wife is just about off the deep end due to sleep deprivation. Why doesn't he offer to help more at night? Why does he think he's exempt? He doesn't seem to give a rat's ass that I'm pregnant and need more sleep now, not less. Is he planning on not helping again during the night when #2 is born? Am I going to have to take care of both of them 24 hours a day? It really seems so out of character for him to be so inconsiderate about something so big, and for so long. It confuses me to no end. I'm so freakin' tired and hormonal and angry and weepy... Really worried that getting pregnant is a giant mistake if he's not going to be helping still.

Anyone else going through something like this? Anyone have any advice to share?

Thanks for listening

 

[hildare]

it's so hard to do anything when you cannot sleep.

can you try: a white noise machine instead of earplugs?

and your ds could be old enough to put himself back to sleep. like if you make a routine or give him an idea and roleplay so he knows what to do. even something with pictures? such as: when you wake up, you can take a drink of water from your nightstand, but you have to stay in your bed until the sun comes up or the clock says 6 or whatever would work. set something up and talk about it and practice it.

if you're really that sleep deprived, there's no reason that you have to deal with wakeups from a kid old enough to understand things like that! as for the dh, i don't know what to tell you. when my dd wakes up it often doesn't wake my dh up, either. plus, he can't easily fit on the twin floor mattress we're trying to transition my dd to.

ooh.. there's a no cry sleep solution book out now for toddlers. i haven't read it, but it might be something to look at!

 

[yippiehippie]

Cynthia, I totally feel for you...I, too have sleeping issues that my son must have inherited He's a lot younger and we co-sleep with DH in the living room. He can't help too much as DS will cry for the boob. DH is much more understanding, but still has a hard time at night too. I don't get it either, it's so weird, they just think they are no longer involved at night. Don't they know how much less cranky we can be w/sleep??

DS wakes all night long, usually every 1-2 hours, every night and he's only in bed 9-10 hours. This morning after nursing back to sleep at 4 I couldn't fall asleep, knowing he'd wake soon (he's usually up at 5 for the day). I hate not being able to sleep, especially when you're so tired!

 

[cwoodard]

Thank you so much for the ideas Hildare. I am very grateful. I do sleep with a white noise machine as well as the earplugs. The white noise machine hasn't been enough to cover the snoring unfortunately :/

You have a very good point about DS being old enough to start learning how to get himself back to sleep. I lost sight of that goal over time. He had a speech delay and it just never seemed like he was ready to understand what we were asking of him. But he's been catching up rapidly now since the beginning of the year, and I think he is actually ready now. I think I should start working on that asap! I'm worried about whether I'll be able to do it while sooooo tired. It will look so much easier to just climb into bed with him! I wonder if I should let him come into our room to wake us up instead of putting a gate on his door. Maybe I'd be able to sleep better if I didn't have to feel like I had to keep my ears glued to the monitor? Recently got one of those kid clocks that change color when it's ok for him to get up. He loves seeing it glowing green when he wakes up in the morning. Think that is something I can take advantage of more.

I do have a copy of No Cry Sleep for toddlers and it might be time to pull it out again and refresh my memory now that he is talking so much better Thanks for reminding me!

Yippie, I'm really sorry you're going through the same thing too. DS used to wake up every 45 min to hour and a half until he was 2 and I finally night weaned him. Then after a month or two he started waking up every 4 hours. Then finally at the beginning of this year, shifted to only waking up once most nights. Hang in there, I hope it gets better for you soon!

 

[slimkins]

Sorry about all the sleeping problems. My DH was never great when our son was waking at night. Heck, he was able to sleep, right next to our DS as a tiny baby crying full force during a diaper change, without even batting an eye. I believe, generally speaking, those are our instincts. And don't forget, guys will always remind you that they are not mind readers. You have to spell it out. Big time!

One thing that I found was even if my DH was comforting our son at night, I still couldn't sleep cause I was always listening to how things were going.

What did help was we established a routine that my DH would get up with our son in the mornings (especially on weekends), and that would give me at least an hour, if not two. It was great, and made a world of difference. Is this possible with you and your DH's schedule? If so, I would give it a try, and see if it helps a little.

 

[ryan'smom]

So sorry you are dealing with this! I completely empathize with your situation. I am the one who is responsible for all the night duty around here too.

Sleep deprivation is no joke. Ds #1 was a terrible sleeper. I read all the books, tried all the suggestions, etc....no luck. When he was 4, I tried one last trick, and sure enough, it worked like a charm. The "Sleep Fairy". We told ds that the "Sleep Fairy" watches over boys & girls at night and leaves little presents or coins to those who stay in their beds and sleep all night long. (He had just come to understand the whole "Santa" thing)

Ds was soooo excited to try this, he practically kicked us out of his room at bedtime and went to sleep all. by. himself......and didn't come wake us once that night (just the night before we had to lay with him for at least an hour to fall asleep). So, the next morning, sure enough, he had a little present waiting for him in the hallway with a note from the "fairy" congratulating him on a job well done....and to keep up the good work.

We did this for a few days straight and gradually increased the days in between "treats" found in the morning. And gradually we phased out the rewards completely...... I seriously never thought that he would sleep through the night and now at age 5, he sleeps like a dream!!

My sister has subsequently used this method with my nephew with fantastic results as well. Something to consider, especially if you are at the end of your rope (like I was) and want to do something gentle and fun.

Good luck mama....hope your hubby gets on board with helping you get more rest!!

 

[cwoodard]

Thank you for the ideas! Love the sleep fairy idea! Wonder if DS would understand the concept at this point... I don't think he knows what a fairy is, but might definitely be worth trying to explain it to him

I did have a pretty good talk with DH last night. We worked out a plan to try and spread out all the changes a little bit more so I have a chance to adjust. Of course all the plans went to hell when DS woke up in the middle of the night puking. Hasn't stopped since. Gotta love the stomach bug. Sigh. DH was great and sent me back to bed after I woke him up asking for help because cleaning up the puke was about to set my already queasy stomach off. He ended up staying home to work too so I could run out and get some things for DS this morning. I think, upon reflection, that I was having a mega hormonal day yesterday and it snuck up on me and made everything 10,000 x worse.

Here's hoping for better days and nights for all of us sleep deprived mamas! Thank you for the great suggestions!