[klstomi]

Hey all! I thought I'd start a SMBC thread. So many of the single parent threads seem to be about custody, dating & divorce - how 'bout us mammas who signed up solo! My son is the product of IUI. Though I haven't ruled out expanding the family unit we're good right now.

I don't really tell most people since I now teach in a smaller, conservative southern town. I'm still trying to fend off the gobs of invites to church!

My family is on board - mostly because they love ds. It wasn't always so. I think half think I'm gay, my grandmother tsked me initially, and others didn't know what to say. I magine the fuss over such a joyful event. You'd think I'd been arrested!

DS is almost three. He hasn't really clued into the fact that there is no daddy at the house. Soon enough. I'll just have to handle it in an age appropraite manner.

The life is hard sometimes but I cannot imagine it without him. He is my joy - even when I sigh the relief after he's gone to sleep!

So let's share our SBMC stories!!

 

[Jilian]

I am not a SMBC, but most days I wish I were. I respect SMBC because they don't settle for a less-than-perfect match, just so they can start a family (which is what I did in some ways). I think it is very courageous to be a SMBC. I've considered it for future children, my mother thinks I'm absolutely insane. How do you deal with the not-so-nice comments? Did you tell your family before you got preg? What do you say to people who ask questions about "dad"? Sometimes strangers can be so nosey, I get dad questions sometimes and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Hope you don't mind me posting here since I'm not a SMBC.

 

[klstomi]

Hey jillian! I don't mind you posting here at all. I just wanted a forum to deal with SMBC lives & day to day stuff.

Thanks for the courageous comment. I actually made the choice out of neccessity. My mom had just died. I was 36 and it was a wake up call. The next year I realized I wasn't getting younger, had no relationship & none in sight. Doing the math I realized I would have to "fast-track" one to have kids. I wrestled with the question of kids for awhile. Finally I knew I would regret it if I didn't have at least one child. I was able to afford SMBC (which is NOT cheap - even IUI). I think you could say my 'courage' comes from realizing these are the things I would just have to do to have what I wanted.

I see you're considering it. The way I felt about nosey people was if they felt entitled to info I would give it to them. Not that they deserved the truth

. I made up a story & fed it to them. This satisfied them & off they went to spread it. My friends knew the truth. I also told my brother and one aunt. My grandmother found out somehow & made some rotten remarks. I informed her that we would not have those talks & she could be happy about it or not involved. She loves ds so much now she wouldn't dream of doing it again.

I know this is lengthy

& hope it helps. I do have to say that SMBC has given me the courage to not care what anyone thinks!

 

[MsChatsAlot]

We've had several smbc here over the years. Not sure if they've moved on or not.

 

[fek&fuzz]

I'm glad you started this thread. I asked once if there could be a SMC sub-forum (since sometimes the issues here seem to be ex-centric), but that was nixed. I'm in the thinking stages still, but I'm glad you came out of the woodwork. I hope others do to.

 

[AmyAngel]

Thank you for starting this thread!!!!!!!!!!

Warning, long post ahead!

I'm in the "getting life in order" stage at this point, but definitely will be a SMBC within the next 2-3 years or so. I'm hoping sooner. I'm almost 32, so I still have time, but menopause comes early in my family and emotionally I am way more than ready.

I had decided to adopt from China, but life has taken a few turns and hit a few bumps, and right now I'm leaning toward using a donor, and considering adoption for the future, possibly. My best friend is TTC with her husband and has had no luck yet, even though it's still pretty early going I'm kind of wondering if maybe the universe wanted me to do all that adoption research for someone other than me. I'm researching banks and options right now, and trying to figure out how to afford to both get things in order so I can do this and still afford a child!

I looked at a house today that I would like to buy - it's at the high end of my price range, but is nice and small and has character, and is in a good neighborhood for kids. If I choose to buy this house, my sister will probably build one on the lot next door - that would be great!

When I choose to do this (I'm planning to start charting as soon as I get into some sort of home where I don't have a nosy housemate like I do now) my plan is not to tell anyone until I am pregnant - preferably not until I'm at least a couple months along. I don't know if I'll be able to stick with that, but that's the plan!

I think both my sisters will be supportive, because they've both (independently) mentioned offhand that they would consider going with a donor if Mr. Right hasn't shown up when they are a bit older. My grandmother has told us several times "Don't get married! You don't need a man to have a kid these days!" so I think she'll be supportive - she's had a stroke recently though, and isn't quite "right" anymore. I worry about her. I think my dad will just shrug and be supportive, as he just kinds of goes along with whatever we do. I have NO IDEA how my mom will react. I think she'll be great with the baby when she/he arrives, but may not know how to react to the pregnancy. I'm sure my older aunt will gossip and wonder about my sanity, but the younger one MAY be cool about it. (I expect her to show up with a U-haul full of toys and stuff that her 9 year old has outgrown. She's been on us to come up with a baby for years now.)

I think that some people in my church may think I'm nuts, but they had an official church-wide baby shower for the girl whose boyfriend ran off after she got pregnant, so surely they can at least be nice to my face!

My mom asked today if I was going to make the 2nd bedroom in the house an office. I just sort of shrugged and told her I'd probably put a sofabed in there, and wouldn't really need an office with a laptop and wireless internet(using it for the first time right now. It rocks!), just a place to put the printer. In my head I was like "No, that's the kid's room!"

I have to admit I don't visit the single parent forum as much as I probably should, because so many posts don't really relate to me at all what with no ex, and the accompanying headaches. I think single moms who didn't plan it that way are super strong - I can't imagine having to deal with all the extra stress AND raise children! I'll make sure to check in - I'm glad I didn't miss this thread!

 

[jenaniah]

I'm not a SMBC yet but will hopefully be in the next couple years.

Kls - could I ask how much IUI cost? I am in the researching phase right now.

 

[meemee]

i wouldnt mind being an SMBC mom but frankly i cant afford caring for the child by myself. dd adn i are living on the edge so no way would i want to add another baby without a father or the lottery.

but i know one mom who just used a syringe without the catheter. what i enjoyed most was she had a little ceremony/ gathering celebrating the new journey seh was going to start on. her basic cost was just the cost of thee semem. but i loved the celebration. now that her son is 3 she is considering another one.

i think u guys should try again to start a SMBC sub thread and see if it will be approved this time.

 

[klstomi]

Glad everyone likes the place!! Jeneniah (sp? - I am horrible) my cost was roughly 5,00. That included 1 round of shots (test run), numerous vaginal ultrasounds pre & post-shot (please don't bring your dignity with you), shot round 2 & IUI. The reason I went shots is because I was 39, had enough $ for 1 go, and it HAD to work. The most reputable bank is Fairfax in VA. They have loads of info on the net. They even offer a photo matching service if you like. I was lucky, my family's genes overrode everything but the Y

. The semen costs about 500-1000 (mommie memory issues). That is for multiple samples so you don't have to ship again. They ship overnight, dry ice, etc. Loading up on multiple samples saves you about $70 on reship.

Sometimes I feel like the SMBC route can't be comprehended by others unless you are gay. Women that get preg after a one night stand with a guy from a bar are better understood/tolerated than women who plan it, WANT it, and achieve it. How did THAT happen?

 

[jenaniah]

Wow!!! That is almost $4000 cheaper then anywhere else I have found! I hope you don;t mind if I think of anymore questions if I ask you...you are the only person I "know" who has actually done IUI to become a SMBC

 

[klstomi]

Jen,
I'm pretty sure I remember that as the ballpark. I think IVF at that facility went for $10,000 a try.

 

[AmyAngel]

I'm planning to do ICI, at home. I'm hoping to go with a bank that seems reliable and up-and-up, but also has low prices (comparatively) and will ship to you without a doctor's permission. I could get a doctor's permission, but I already have a clean bill of health so I don't feel that is necessary unless I'm doing IUI which requires a doctor. (Who else needs a doc's permission to get pregnant? I understand the logic of permission, but don't want to "need" it.)

If the first few tries don't work, then I'll go the doctor route. I just really feel strongly at the moment that this is something very private that I don't want to share. I'd have to find another doctor, too, as I'm sure my current doc doesn't do inseminations.

I'm expecting the costs to be less than $1000 a month - probably more like $700, assuming the numbers I got were correct.

 

[jenaniah]

Wow...you can do it at home??? I had no idea! (I told you I was just starting research) Huh...I'll have to look into that as well. The things you learn!

 

[Dragonfly]

Not a SMBC, but I'm lurking with interest. I'm seriously considering having a second as a solo in a few years.

 

[tracey_r21]

I am also a SMC/SMBC. I always knew that I wanted to have children but when I had not met the right person to share my life with my the time I was in my mid to late 30's I decided to become a SMBC. It is a decision that I have never regretted. I am so glad that I did not marry the not so perfect person for me just to fulfill my dreams of being a Mom.

DS was also concieved with IUI. And for those you looking at prices my RE charged $950/month and that included all needed ultrasounds to know the exact time of ovulation and the actual IUI. I also spent an additional $65/month for a trigger shot. So including the price of the vials, I spent about $1250/month and it took 3 months (I was very lucky).

My family has been VERY supportive of my decision right from the start. I don't think my Dad really understands and my grandmother used to refer to DS as my "artificial baby" when I was pregnant!! But they both love DS very much and respect the decision I made.

I am currently trying to decide if I should have a second child. I still have vials left over so there is a good chance my children would be full biological siblings. I am very lucky because my Mom will help out and watch both kids for me during the day so that I do not go broke paying for daycare!!

This is already longer than I had planned so I will stop rambling

but I am looking forward to "talking" with other single Moms!! Because as we know the more support you have the better!!

 

[klstomi]

Glad to meet you Tracy! I love this forum. It is the only place I have actually met other women who have undertaken this or are contemplating it.

 

[CalebsMama05]

I had considered doing it myself but everyone told me that i was stupid. now of course i'm broke and my husband hates me and i've got a kid and one on the way and I have to deal with HIM too. shoulda just done it myself.

I think in about 6-8 yrs i might do it myself for another baby or two depending where i'm at.

great idea for a SMBC thread

 

[griffin2004]

I'm a SMBC via adoption. I looked up in my early 40's, saw that there was no Mr. Right waiting in the wings, so I finally took charge of my own destiny. DD arrived at age 1 and that was 2 years ago. What a ride it's been!

As hard as solo parenting is at times (ok, pretty much all the time for me anyway), I marvel at how coupled parents have any time for each other. Between DD, work, dog, house, etc., I hardly have time to change my undies much less nurture my relationship with another person.

Thanks for starting this thread. I don't visit the singles forum very often anymore since I don't have ex issues.

 

[klstomi]

Glad to meet you Trish. I hear you re: solo parenting hard. Sometimes I think it must be so much easier for couples. Then I think of the stories of women who talk about their partners as their other children. It's easier when I just do it & don't dwell on it. I have however become the perpetual motion machine. AT any given moment I am tasking at least 3 things. My hands may be full of: dirty training pants, a toy to put away, a sippy cup & junk mail I can shred!

I'm sure all mothers feel this to some extent. I think the difference may be thinking, "If I don't do it noone will" & KNOWING, "If I don't do this it doesn't get done!"

 

[klstomi]

Trish - read your tea blog &just noticed you live in the most gorgeous place in the world, THE OLYMPIC PENNINSULA

Soak in all that beauty for me!