[ShadowMom]

I am SO annoyed and frustrated with my DS. And feeling like I totally screwed up.

He started pooping in the potty on his own several months ago. So, I just did away with the diapers and figured he would learn to do it all on his own pretty soon.

Nope! He has never learned to pee in the potty at all. Unless I tell him to go use the potty, he will just pee on the floor.

To make matters much worse, he either has lost the desire or the ability to tell when he needs to poop. So, he just poops right on the carpet and goes about his business.

So, basically I have this naked, completely un potty trained person running all over the house, crapping and peeing all over EVERYTHING.

I finally lost my patience this morning with my gentle reminders and "no big deal, everyone has accidents" method and yelled a bit at him.

:

I asked him if he wanted to use diapers or if he wanted to go int he potty, and he said he wanted diapers. He has always said he didn't want the diapers before now, so he probably just felt bullied because he could tell I was angry/frustrated.

:

So anyway, right now he is wearing a diaper. I use/used cloth, but I Just can't stomach the thought of washing all of those diapers again, so if this continues I am just going to get some pull-ups or something.

I need some advice, mamas. I apparently jumped the gun on going diaper-less. But I feel like it's too late to put him in diapers without him feeling like it's a punishment.

On the other hand, I'm getting a divorce and moving out soon... DH will be watching him during the day and I can just tell ya he is NOT going to clean up poop and pee from the carpet all day. He is not going to be so gentle about it. And, in my new place, which will be a rental, I cannot have this sort of problem where I clean up pee at least a few times a day because I didn't MAKE him go often enough.

Any advice, mamas??? I am just so sick of it, if I am walking across the house and notice a pile of poop on the carpet again I am going to scream!

 

[WuWei]

Oh! Kay. You have so much going on. I am so sorry about the impending divorce. I really want to support you about this. Is there anything that can be undone? That sounds so sad. I don't know what to say.

I imagine that your son is experiencing a lot of your stress. I know our son is an emotional barometer. It sounds like your lives are upside down at the moment. It is really hard right now; but it will pass and become easier. Just try to be in the moment without thinking about the chaos. Get the pullups.

That is an easy one. I have never admitted here that we used disposables.

: Don't tell anyone at MDC.

Even worse, we used them since ds was 10 months old, although I have organic cotton diapers. Long story but he has used disposables for FOUR years.

: Alone, we have filled a land fill.

Ds used the toilet around age two, then we moved and he refused for about a year, insisted on diapers, and refused cloth diapers. Same thing for the next three years. Occasionally using the toilet but he preferred the ease of not stopping to bother to poop (or pee) in a toilet. So, diapers were our mutual preference. Suddenly on his 5th birthday, he was "A-ok" with using the toilet at home and out of the house and no accidents.

A couple of months later, he has had a couple of accidents at home. No big deal. My priority was not to make an issue for control over his body. When he was ready, he was ready. Don't sweat the diapers, just use them with neutrality and ease. You need some ease.

How are you doing?

Pat

 

[ShadowMom]

Oh, Pat! Your kind words were just what I needed today.

I am going to try going with those disposables. I think taking a break from this is just what DS and I need.

I am mainly worried about H. I don't know if he will agree to DS wearing diapers, I think it embarrasses him. I am afraid he will resort to the shaming tactics he feels are so effective.

Although, really. I have no control over what H does when I'm not around. I can only control what happens when I am parenting DS. So if pull-ups are the best thing for right now, to take the pressure off BOTH DS and I, then that's what I'm going to do.

 

[captain crunchy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by scubamama Just try to be in the moment without thinking about the chaos. Get the pullups. That is an easy one. I have never admitted here that we used disposables. : Don't tell anyone at MDC. Even worse, we used them since ds was 10 months old, although I have organic cotton diapers. Long story but he has used disposables for FOUR years. : Alone, we have filled a land fill. Don't sweat the diapers, just use them with neutrality and ease. You need some ease. Pat

Confessions from a fellow disposable user (no, I'm not lugging dirty cloth diapers to the laundry mat or doing them by hand in my bathtub, sorry

:

)

I agree with Pat on the pull up issue (and the other stuff). You all are going through a stressful time, if he is agreeable to the pull-ups and you can afford them, go for it for now. There are bigger things to worry about it sounds like -- be gentle with yourself

 

[traceface]

captain crunchy *AND* scubamama use disposables!??!!
oh, the shock...

 

[WuWei]

Quote:

Originally Posted by traceface captain crunchy *AND* scubamama use disposables!??!! oh, the shock...

Who told you a story like that?!

:

Pat

 

[Imogen]

 

[cmb123]

Quote:

Originally Posted by scubamama Don't sweat the diapers, just use them with neutrality and ease. You need some ease.

I absolutely agree. With all that is going on, the last thing you both need is to be battling about the potty

: He'll do it when he's ready.
On a practical note, if you are going to do the disposable route, I wouldn't even bother with pull ups. If he's pooping in them, they're not as easy to change, and they are more expensive.
Good luck with everything.

 

[gentlestrengths]

I am not positive of where my potty-learning "plan" falls in the gentle discipline category - but it works. And I don't use anything negative really when they don't make it. But this is how I do it.
You get a bag of m&m's or whatever else your kid LOVES, LOVES, LOVES. For some little ones a special treat can be fruit loops or whatever. We eat very healthy and so the M&M's are a HUGE deal.
You get an egg timer, get your naked kid, show him the egg timer and explain that you are going to help him remember to go potty with the timer. You show him how you set the timer. And you don't go anywhere (not even quick to the store!) for three days, to begin wtih. You set the egg timer at first for every fifteen minutes. And you tell your child that every time they go pee/poop on the toilet when the timer goes off they get ONE (Yes, uno, one, just 1!) m&m, or starburst or whatever else kind of treat you have for them. The timer goes off and you take them to the potty and they try to go. Also, in my house, our kids do not get to flush the toilet or use toilet paper unless they actually went potty. I've seen a lot of moms let them wipe and flush when they didn't even go, but I think it is a better incentive to do both after they've actually used the potty in the correct way. We always wash hands after going potty too. Then the treat. We do two m&m's for poop. Obviously some older kids don't need to go every 15 minutes, but I find even when just beginning with most kids every 15 minutes is a better idea. I've run into a handful of gd mammas that don't like my "bribe" technique really, but I think it's harmless, and I do believe it instills the habit into them easier than just waiting until they actually do care that they are peeing and pooping in places that big people don't. JMO of course. A friend of mine has trained 11 kids this way and has never trained any of them for longer than 7 days. If you're consistant with it, it works. The poor dears have learned to pee and poop in a diaper for 2(+) years, and sometimes it takes just as long to learn to use a potty. Good luck to you. Potty-learning is by far the hardest part of child rearing for me thus far.

)

edit:
oh, and I meant to say too, that obviously you can set the times further and further apart as the days go by. Until they don't need them anymore. Usually at the end I sort of show them an empty treat bag and say "good for you for learning how to use the toilet" and we go and buy new undies (their choice of course) - and it's fun for them and sort of marks the end of the M&M's.

 

[WuWei]

Quote:

I've run into a handful of gd mammas that don't like my "bribe" technique really, but I think it's harmless, and I do believe it instills the habit into them easier than just waiting until they actually do care

I believe that you will find more than a handful of gd mamas that don't like the BRIBE technique. Really. We can do a show of hands, if you like.

And I do not believe that it is harmless. I believe it instills a lot of things if the child isn't ready. It also appears from your following comment that you didn't think it was easy. Waiting until ds was ready, was much easier, imo.

Quote:

Potty-learning is by far the hardest part of child rearing for me thus far.

If you would like to discuss the cons of bribing children, that is a whole 'nuther thread. If you would like to discuss the cons of manipulating children regarding their private parts to please an adult's wishes, that too is a whole 'nuther thread.

Pat

 

[captain crunchy]

I completely agree with scubamama. I am another mama who is very much against bribing children, withholding foods they enjoy (even mnm's) until they perfom a certain task, not allowing basic things like control over their bodies and what they do with them (not allowing to wipe unless they have urinated for example) and I don't find the method condoned by the above poster to be at all gentle.

All children, barring severe emotional/sexual or medical trauma/limitations, or developmental delays potty learn at *around* the same time frame -- studies have proven this --- but the (imo) damaging methods used to "help" along their natural process will stick with them long after the MnM's are gone.

 

[georgia]

Quote:

Confessions from a fellow disposable user

You're getting your MDC member name revoked, you realize

Back to topic on-hand

 

[captain crunchy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by georgia You're getting your MDC member name revoked, you realize Back to topic on-hand

OT -- I struggled with it and if we had a washer and dryer it would have been gravy.... but my husband does all the laundry (at the laundrymat) and I was vetoed

 

[lisac77]

My DS is almost potty trained now. I was going to wait until he was ready, but then we began having major, huge battles over diaper changes and he got the worst rash he has ever gotten. He categorically refused to let me clean his bottom properly. So I made the executive decision to help him learn to use the potty.

We started the last week in June. I tried to use incentives, but they weren't working (he had no interest) so I mainly relied on taking him to the potty frequently and encouraging him to use the little potty in the living room when he felt like it. At one point I was pretty frustrated because DH wanted to use a shaming technique and I was totally opposed. Tempers flared, and because I can't control what DH does when I'm not around, I put DS in pull-ups when DH was home. I was convinced that we were going to lose all the ground we gained when I put him back in pull-ups, but that didn't happen. He did use the pull-ups as diapers for a while, but we all kept reinforcing that they were just for "accidents" and that he should really try to use the potty. And so he has. He still occasionally has accidents, and we are still working on pooping in the potty in general, but he is dry if we take him to the potty all day long.

I have really tried to make him understand that this is something that he can do for himself, but I do have imposed "potty times" (usually every 30 minutes) throughout the day. However, I do not carry him kicking and screaming to the potty. We have the potty train, where we choo-choo chugga-chugga to the potty. We have the potty bike, where he gets on his bike and we ride our way to the potty. We also occasionally have the potty horse, where he rides me to the potty, and he's always up for a piggy back ride. The main resistance we get is to transitioning to going to the potty, but if I time it with something clear (the end of a TV show, things to do to get ready to go out) I don't hear a peep from him and he is happy to go.

I don't think the pull-ups are going to be a major setback for you guys. They really weren't for us, and DS is so proud of himself now. Hugs to you during this difficult time.

 

[Luthien Arcamenel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisac77 We have the potty train, where we choo-choo chugga-chugga to the potty.

:

Ah, the glamour of motherhood!

 

[Ruthla]

It sounds to me like he simply isn't ready to be out of diapers. Lots of kids regress with toileting when there's a lot of stress in the home- I say calmly put him in diapers and don't worry about it. Washing diapers has got to be less stressful than cleaning up messes on the floor all day long! OTOH, if you really feel like you have enough on your plate right now, you don't have to turn in you AP/NFL card if you decide to use disposables for a little while (or until he's fully ready for underwear.)

When my DH moved out, the girls were 1 and 2.5, and after about a month I switched them both to disposables. There was just too much going on in my life at the time to deal with the extra laundry. I don't think of it as "every diaper I throw away fills up the landfill" but rather "every cloth diaper I use saves a diaper from the landfill." I feel good about the years I was able to use CDs on my DC and I don't sweat the sposies I've used.

As far as the "bribery" technique for potty-learning- I did it with my oldest for a little while, but not the intense set-the-timer method mentioned above. She went when she wanted to, wore pull-ups in between, and got an M&M (or 2 for poops) when she used it successfully. She was physically and emotionally ready for toileting, the candy just smoothed the process a little.

I did a similar technique with DD2 when she was nearly 4yo, physically ready, and simply needed a little "nudge" to take the leap. I didn't bother with this at all with DS- the chance to wear big boy undies was reward enough!