Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,556 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband (this is our second time being married to each other) recently left the state while on formal probation for dv. Apparently one state won't ship him back to another if he gets caught, and he's too scared to ever come back on his own. So does this mean that my dd is pretty much mine now? I have no desire to divorce him (unless there's a reason I should?). But if he divorces me, does he still get a chance at custody while being a fugitive? Or would he have to work all that out first?<br><br>
Anyone know how that works?<br><br>
If things get really hairy, I can go to the free family law clinic. But I've been there so much in the last few years that I'm kind of embarrassed to go back unless I <i>really</i> need to.<br><br>
Thanks in advance if you can help.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,890 Posts
Why not modify with you having sole legal and physical with no visitation to the NCP?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,556 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Well we're married right now. So there's nothing to modify unless I'm really confused about how this all works?<br><br>
Guess I'm not sure if it's in my best interest to go through all the hassle of getting a divorce and being granted full custody. Or if I should just leave it all alone for now because chances are he cant'/won't bother me anyways.<br><br>
Not sure if either would make me look bad or something in the future?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,034 Posts
This is just what I would do, FWIW, but I would just wait and play off of what he does. If he disappears and there's no contact for a year or so, that sets a good precedent for sole custody. If he goes for visitation, deal with it then.<br><br>
It's also probably cheaper and less stressful than dealing with it all now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
My understanding is that if couple is married and there is no custody order stating otherwise that both parents have the same rights to their children. If he is out of state, why not do the divorce now? Get it over with and have custody firmly established before he ever thinks of returning. You may even be eligible to get your filing fee's waived if your income is low enough. Is there any reason the courts would grant him standard custody even though he is out of state, not maintaining a reasonable relationship with DC, and has violence and legal issues?<br><br>
I have to admit that I am in a similar situation, only I am through with my year of waiting. It's been hard to wait it out. It's nerve wracking never knowing if/when he might show up and try to claim some sort of rights to our child. What my lawyer recommended to me was to file a "status quo" order wrt custody while waiting out the time. The "status quo" order simply states that custody and visitation would remain as it has been since the childs NCP left and would not change until the courts are able to make a final determination such as through a divorce and custody agreement.<br><br>
It's a hard thing to do, wait it out or finish it off now. I waited for many reasons that I won't go into here, but my situation was DV as well. I waited because I am anticipating a TPR in our future. If you can afford it, I highly recommend a consult with an attorney. They aren't free, my attorney told me $40 but only charged me $20 for the consult. I gained a lot of good information and have been able to more comfortably wait out my time.<br><br>
If you really felt it best to wait out a period of time, then I can understand that, but I wouldn't let it be a thing that drags on indefinitely. I would set a period of time that you are willing to wait, and once that period of time comes, take whatever action is most appropriate.<br><br>
Best wishes to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,825 Posts
Since he is a fugitive, for dv of all things, and probably won't risk going back to where you are then why not file for divorce and sole custody? Protect yourself and your child now. Sounds like he won't show for the hearing and it would default to you. If you stay married then he can come and take your kid because he has equal rights to custody. From what i understand you aren't afraid of him and considered moving to where your ex is. So that would give me the impression that you want him in your child's life. But with dv involved and what sounds like a very complicated and stressful situation you should really consider divorcing him and moving on with your life. For the sake of your child and yourself. Life seems much less crazy when you get out of the insane cycle of abuse and find peace.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
108 Posts
If you are wanting full custody, I would go for it now. Married or not, what he is doing is abandonment. It may be a little shady but, I'd pounce while he is gone to protect your custody. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,792 Posts
Aside from custody, certain things could become problematic in this situation if you remain married. Filing taxes, for example. It may be very hard to get the information you need to file accurately, and there are heavy penalties for just guessing. Or what happens if he files, too, without you knowing? And what happens if he opens new credit cards and takes on debt? You're responsible for that if you're still married and it could affect your credit history, making it harder for you to provide for your child (qualifying for rentals and mortgages, getting a vehicle, applying for a job that does a background check for fiscal responsibility, etc.).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,101 Posts
I too think you should divorce him. Do you think you'll want to get back together with him some day? (He doesn't sound like a promising partner.) If not, give yourself some real closure - this is the perfect time to do it as you're certainly likely to get custody without any hassles. Don't worry about what people at the legal clinic think - like a PP said, tie up the loose ends so you can move on with your life.<br><br>
Most of all, do you want to be looking over your shoulder all the time for this man? You need to think about legally protecting your child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,039 Posts
Getting divorced makes since for so many reasons.<br><br>
1. with no custody agreement he can walk into school and get her.<br>
2. you won't get stuck with his bills.<br>
3. taxes<br>
4. you can move on in your life<br>
5. financial aid (welfare or college)<br>
6. Your credit<br>
7. If you were to get pregnant again while married to him you might have trouble getting bio-dad's name on birth certificate.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,556 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Thanks everyone. Reading the responses helped me think things through a little bit better. I think I am going to get the divorce started soon. I didn't want to before mostly because it's embarrassing for me to get divorced twice, to the same person in a year and a halfs time. But as you pointed out, that's a crummy reason to wait. Especilly because it is free for me to do anyways thanks to being so low income. And I have no interest in ever being with him again.<br><br>
I'm pretty sure he'll not show up to court and I'll get granted all custody. I don't think he has the nerve to come back to CA and walk into a courthouse. The more I think on it though, the more I get nervous about him coming back and taking her and running off with her. That wouldn't be out of character for him. Especially if he goes back to drugs. So I need to get this done now.<br><br>
Thanks so much. I knew you all would hve great advice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,234 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Melaya</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15443553"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks everyone. Reading the responses helped me think things through a little bit better. I think I am going to get the divorce started soon. I didn't want to before mostly because it's embarrassing for me to get divorced twice, to the same person in a year and a halfs time. But as you pointed out, that's a crummy reason to wait. Especilly because it is free for me to do anyways thanks to being so low income. And I have no interest in ever being with him again.<br><br>
I'm pretty sure he'll not show up to court and I'll get granted all custody. I don't think he has the nerve to come back to CA and walk into a courthouse. The more I think on it though, the more I get nervous about him coming back and taking her and running off with her. That wouldn't be out of character for him. Especially if he goes back to drugs. So I need to get this done now.<br><br>
Thanks so much. I knew you all would hve great advice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Yep, that's the smart thing to do. Good luck, and feel free to have a mosey on down to the surviving abuse forum. It's a great place for support.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,825 Posts
Yes, get over the embarrassment because you are so not alone in that department and do what is necessary to protect yourself and your babe.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,213 Posts
I couldn't read and not offer hugs. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I felt much embarrasment through my two marriages as well, but I do feel I am doing the right thing... and I am sure you will too. I second MamaJen that the Survivors of Abuse forum is a really wonderful and supportive forum if you are looking to talk about the dv stuff.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
I am glad to read your response that you are going to go ahead with the divorce now. I didn't mention that in my case we weren't married, so it makes a small difference, my X is on DC's birth certificate though, so in that way it's the same.<br><br>
And I'd like to 3rd the suggestion to check out the SA forum. Very few survivors of DV can simply walk away and never be affected by it again in their lives. We need all the help we can get in healing this part of our lives so that we can go forward into healthy relationships for ourselves and our DC. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> One of the best feelings is when you talk with people who get it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,005 Posts
One more reason to get divorced - If he's in another state for 6 months (or so, depending on the state, I think), he can file in that other state, making it a huge hassle for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,556 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
So it turns out that I'm pregnant. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> I haven't been able to get a hold of my husband in about a week. Is it still better to gt the divorce even thought that will mean having to go through the work of proving custody and such later?<br><br>
Or should I stay married, hope he doesn't file anything, and then have him automatically be named the dad when the baby is born so I can have a chance at getting child support right away? Not that I think he'll pay anything anyways.<br><br>
He's really lazy, so I don't see him filing for divorce anytime soon. Especially with his legal problems.<br><br>
Maybe I should just get the divorce and leave him off the bc all together...?<br><br>
This is so tough.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,426 Posts
I'd file for divorce and leave him off the bc. I can't envision an upside to him being on the bc, and I see some serious downsides to him being able to mosey on into town and take your existing child without being in violation of a custody order.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
I wish I had left DD's father off of her bc, because we weren't married that was an option. Since he doesn't seem likely to pay child support, or be a healthy figure in your DC's lives, I'd not include him from the start. Especially since you don't think it would be out of his character to attempt to take your child away. I am raising my DD without any input of any kind from her father. I really like it and am excited to make it legal soon.<br><br>
I'd go through with the divorce.
 
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Top