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<p>So DH is out of town and I had a meeting with our doula.  We worked on our birth plan and made another appointment for a time to go over positions and for her to meet big daddy.  I told him about this appointment and he is like... do I have to be there?  He has never met the doula he says he doesn't want to be the birth "coach" and that is what we hired the doula for.  I just want him to be a part of the birth!  Be my main support person!  He is the FATHER!!!!  I just needed to vent actually we are txting right now about this and I needed to get it out before I explode.</p>
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<p>Big Momma</p>
 

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I'm sorry. I hope that your dh comes around.<br><br>
My first advice would be to get a doula-- but you are already on it!
 

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<p>I am sorry, I am having issues too. My DH doesn't understand the point of the doula and now at first he agreed with a homebirth, but has back-tracked over night.  So we have a doula, but every day he asks - why are we getting her again?</p>
 

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<p>To the last poster, I would explain to your husband that the doula will actually make him more available to be there for YOU. Some men don't get it until it's "go time" and then they realize how great it is to have that extra support. It's great to have another person there who is knowledgeable about the birth process and interventions, to support your choices, to give him a rest if he needs it, to talk to hospital staff on your behalf so he never has to leave your side. My own husband felt a HUGE difference having a doula for our third birth, he said he felt like he could really focus on me having her there. She was also able to do things my husband never could have done, like videorecording our birth and taking pictures in the thick of it. He didn't even know when she was photographing us because he was so focused on me, and at the end we were so thankful to have the birth footage and pictures we never could have taken without our doula.</p>
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<p>I am actually a doula myself, and I've had fathers tell me they couldn't have done it without me. In one case where the planned normal birth ended up in a c-section, the father told me there's no way they could have progressed as far as they did without my being there.</p>
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<p>Tell your husband not to underestimate the power of a solid support person. Google "benefits of a doula" and find the research backing up how beneficial doulas are. Bombard him with emails containing this info so he can read the facts for himself. If anything, maybe he'll stop asking you all the time, and maybe reading it for himself will turn him into a believer. Let the truth make the argument for you! I did this with my own husband when i was trying to convince him our son should remain intact. My email campaign worked wonders:).</p>
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<p>Love and light to both of you mamas:)</p>
 

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<p>I'm not having a doula but I was hoping my hubby would bond a bit with our HB midwife. I feel like it could be important to have a relationship with the midwife if things do get a bit complicated. Instead even though he has attended many prenatal appointments, he mentally checks out of them and entertains our toddler instead of being involved in the appointment.</p>
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<p>Honestly at this point, I think the midwife will likely be my primary support. My hubby doesn't understand birth and I think he buys into the TV version of birth: that every little thing is an emergency.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>allisonrose</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284218/so-frusterated-with-dh#post_16102175"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Honestly at this point, I think the midwife will likely be my primary support. My hubby doesn't understand birth and I think he buys into the TV version of birth: that every little thing is an emergency.</p>
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My husband is the same way - I was told that was normal "man" reaction to worry. It doesn't help much though does it?</p>
 

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<p>I agree with the previous posters. If he will read emails, send him a few showing how much a doula will make him more available for you. Also, it could be helpful to get a copy of The Birth Partner and highlight the things you'd like him to read and then talk about it. Hugs though, I know how it feels to have a DH that isn't as involved as you want him to be. Maybe lots of praise when he shows any involvement?? Hope he comes around!</p>
 

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<p>My partner is reading The Birth Partner right now, and it is really helping him feel like he 'gets' natural/home birth better.  We're also hoping to attend a workshop that my prenatal yoga teacher holds called "Empowering Your Birth Partner" which, is more experiential - trying out different positions etc. My partner agreed to that because it's only 4 hours long, as opposed to some CBE courses that run for 12-16 hours....</p>
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<p>He was also skeptical of a doula until my midwives explained it to him that she's basically there to help support me so he can take a break - somehow that made it all click for him - that it will be great to have someone else there whose focus is supporting me so he can go take a nap, or grab a bite to eat, go to the bathroom etc, without either of us feeling like he's abandoning me during labour.  Not to mention an extra set of hands after the birth, for cleanup (dealing with the birthing pool especially) and getting us all settled, so he and I can just zone out in baby bliss. When our midwives explained it that way, he jumped on board immediately and enthusiastically. Don't know if that will help in your situations, but he definitely started out the doula conversation with the midwives completely skeptical of the need for a doula, and then since then has been super enthusiastic in interviewing doulas etc..   </p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>expat_canuck</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284218/so-frusterated-with-dh#post_16102326"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br>
He was also skeptical of a doula until my midwives explained it to him that she's basically there to help support me so he can take a break - somehow that made it all click for him - that it will be great to have someone else there whose focus is supporting me so he can go take a nap, or grab a bite to eat, go to the bathroom etc, without either of us feeling like he's abandoning me during labour. </div>
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<br><br><p>Aha, yes.  My husband asked when I was pregnant with our second daughter why I wanted to hire a doula (I think there may have been raised eyebrows about the cost).  I told him, "Remember last time when I was having excruciating back labour and you decided to take a nap?  Well, the doula won't do that."  End of questioning.</p>
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<p>Big Momma, we're at the point in our pregnancies where we don't need to beat around the bush.  "Do I really need to be there for the appointment?"  Yes, dear.  You do.  "I don't really want to be your labour coach."  Too bad, dear.  Please pass the salt.  I hope things get better for you.  ((( )))</p>
 

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<p>i'd like to be a voice for also respecting other folks wishes, if he really does not want to be your coach, then maybe its best to respect that and focus on your relationship with a doula?</p>
<p>if he is just nervous or does not know how to be there for you then help him learn and get thru that. </p>
<p>i think the first thing to do is have a open talk with him as to where he really stands, he does owe you that talk even if it is not his style.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>~Adorkable~</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284218/so-frusterated-with-dh#post_16105010"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>i'd like to be a voice for also respecting other folks wishes, if he really does not want to be your coach, then maybe its best to respect that and focus on your relationship with a doula?</p>
<p>if he is just nervous or does not know how to be there for you then help him learn and get thru that. </p>
<p>i think the first thing to do is have a open talk with him as to where he really stands, he does owe you that talk even if it is not his style.</p>
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<br><br><p>That is how I feel.  I think he just doesn't know what to do.  I would love to have a good talk with him but he is out of town working 12 hours a day and I am sleeping when he is up and visa versa.  I do plan on talking to him I think he just doesn't want to be the person telling me to push when really that is not what I had in mind anyways.  we just need to talk about it and communicate.  I hate that communication is so difficult right now with our situation.  Texting is the most we do right now and that is not a good way to have a real conversation. </p>
 
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