so how do YOU mama's do it? FIND YOURSELF that is???

I know in my heart that me and stbx are not good together. we don't do well together he treated me like crap and still does and on and on...

but sometimes i just miss being with someone. I miss being able to talk my worries over with someone who cares and doesn't tell me to quit nagging or call me lazy. I miss being able to sleep in while someone else gets up with the baby (although in reality this has never happened) I miss being held and feeling safe and not alone. and when I think of stbx with someone else (no idea if he has someone else or not) I feel hurt and angry...not because i want him back but because I don't want someone else to have what *should* be mine. my relationship so to speak.

I hope this helps

Quote:
yes mama it helps. i mean just being on this board helps. even without me going into details i know all u guys understand because u all have gone thru this with me.

but my question is how do u get out of it. i DONT want to be feeling what i am feeling. i dont want to be like my MIL my best friend who is still so in love with her ex - was never ever able to get out and date and move on. i really, really, really dont want to be like my MIL. i know i will always have feelings for ex and i have recognised its ok. but i need to move on.

so my question is how do u move on. many of my friends have said finding another husband has been their answer. but i dont want to do that. i want to find myself. i want to be whole where my ex and my relationship was just one part of my life and not my total life. kwim?!! i dont want to find my new dh and say ahhh finally i have healed. so does that mean if i dont ever find my new dh i wont ever be healed?!!

i just feel time is not the answer. one has to do something about it. and i am trying to discover what. i am asking the universe for answers - and i am getting a few. but since i find such solace here i thought i would try here too as you guys are part of my 'universe' too.

tough one eh?!! but i feel i cannot date untill i have totally healed myself.

Quote:
First of all.
You are doing so good. Don't forget the path you have already
traveled. We all fall or have times that we feel weak. It's to be
expected. Two steps forward and one step back.

I haven't met my ex's current gf. I had visions of this really hot
young chicky. All the things I am not. A friend tipped me off to
a article in the paper on my ex's art and I went to read it, and
there was a picture of his gf. All kinds of feelings welled up in
me. One was she isn't as pretty as I thought she was going to
me. Which you would think would make me feel better, but then
I was taken aback wondering what's wrong with me. What is so
bad about me that a man wouldn't want to be in his child's life.
It took me awhile to figure it's not really about me. It's about him.

He has a pattern. He met me young, his next girl was young,
and his current is young. As he gets older all his gf's are all 20/21
when he meets them. It's easier to fool somebody when they
don't have the same experience as you.

A big part of me will always love him. Will always worry about
him. But that doesn't mean that I deserve to be treated as I was
once treated. I deserve more, and my dd deserves more.

How do we do it? Good question. I have times that I have to
take it day by day. Then big chunks of time that I don't think about
him at all. I know by my nature my mind tends to worry if I have
too much time to think. I try to keep busy keep my mind going on
something else. Time has helped the most, but feelings still creep in.

Don't feel like you have failed by feeling. Emotions are what make
us human. Sometimes the emotions are hard to deal with. Maybe
you needed to deal with these feelings in order to really move on.

I haven't been in a relationship with my ex for almost 7 years now
(yikes it's been that LONG). I was on a long drive two weekends
ago. I drove past his town on the highway and found myself crying
for the next several miles. I felt so weak, stupid, lame. Later..........
much later I realized that loving somebody does not make me weak.
Loving the man who I had a child with doesn't make me stupid. I
know better than to want a relationship with him, but that doesn't mean
that my feelings will just disappear.

Mama. It's hard sometimes.

Meemee --
I am STILL smiling over that George Clooney dream. I think that was probably 'good karma' coming back to me! I haven't been able to re-create it, or insert Johnny Depp into it, but I'm still feeling pretty lucky to have had it!!!

As for your situation.......
I think it's important to look at the whole thing as a journey, not a destination. I don't think we ever really 'get it all'. I think we constantly have little tests and challenges and opportunities to see how far we've come and where we still need to go.

It's okay to be happy, moving forward and everything else and still have moments of 'damn, I'm still angry about....' Ending a marriage, a family, a dream hurts. It just does. We can still have moments where we feel betrayed, abandoned, etc. even though we have moved on a feel good about moving on. It's normal. It's part of the healing journey.

My ex and I are SOOOOOO over and yet, when he and his girlfriend broke up and he spent more time with the kids and was friendly to me, it was so nice. When they got back together, I felt like he abandoned all of us again, like he could just move the kids (and I to some extent) out of his life again and it hurt. I felt angry and sad and let down.

Feel what you're feeling. There may be some residual things deep down that are finally surfacing and you will be able to get rid of them for good.

You're a strong woman. I have no doubt you'll continue moving forward past this little road bump!

We were posting at the same time. When I read your post
I thought of a question. Do you have a dream? Like a secret
passion or something you would really like to devote more time
to?

I ask because even though I don't have the time to go back
to school or to devote to the business that I would like to
start but I do take small steps by reading books on the subject.
The further I grow the more I see myself separate from my ex.

In the Summer I barely think about him cause I am such a dork
about my herb garden.

I don't believe you could turn into your MIL. Your putting energy
into growth. Your asking questions about how to grow further.
Those who stay in one place, in one mind set, are those who
don't allow themselves to grow. You are certainly not one of those
people.

Quote:
You are so wise.

Unless you really find yourself, are comfortable with who you are, what really can you contribute to another relationship but more toxicity and chaos?

Have you tried doing things like visually letting him go? This one might help a little. You can picture yourself being totally safe. Then picture him. Tie a rope from the middle of you and put it around him. Tell him anything you need to say to him, forgive him, make the rope disappear and allow him to disappear and disconnect from you.

Another important thing to realize is that when we feel that connection to the past, sometimes it has more to do with how we feel about ourselves. Continue to do things that nurture you. Continue to strive to be the best you can be. Once you really get a sense of liking yourself and being comfortable with yourself, it's much easier to remember why we are so much healthier now and deserve the best of everything, especially relationships.

I had these lingering feelings of pain after my ex boyfriend broke up with me last year. I was madly in love with him. In fact, I know I still love him. A couple months ago, after I moved, I discovered he lives only a few houses down. That was really messing with my head. But I realized that I DO love him, and I want him to be happy. If it means without me, then so be it. All I want is his happiness. He's engaged to be married to another woman, and I am sincerely happy for them. His new fiance is a very lucky woman. So, I figure he is happy, and what's the point in obsessing over this man who is no longer interested in me? That's not what's best for him. It's not what's best for me. So, I've busied myself with other things. I've been living my life, and learning new things. I've been playing the field, exploring my options, and enjoying myself. Distracting yourself with a new crush is fun... just so long as you don't rush into a relationship to cover up feelings for another, and ignore issues that the new partner presents with.

I don't know how to move on from that. I'm trying right now to put myself together and build myself and my sons a life. hopefully that will help.

I'm using my experience with ALL my relationships (wow, that's a bunch).

I tend to distract myself and dissociate my emotions (stop feeling = not so good). So, I give myself permission to obsess about things for while (usually a couple days) and talk to everyone about the problem... EVERYONE.

When I'm not at work or school or whatever, I can have a breakdown whenever I want. Once, I stopped eating for two weeks unless it was free. One of my friends started buying me breakfast and I worked at a food joint, so free supper (the leftovers). I don't recommend that, though.

Have conversations with the x/stbx/former-thing, but not too his/her face. Ie, talk to yourself and imagine what the other would say. Tell him/her what a jerk they're being, why it hurts you, what you wanted and why you still wish for that.

I also find music that reflects what I'm going through. Then I play it over and over and over and bawl. Not b/c of weakness, but b/c I recognize what could have been for the relationship and the potential of the person. That is what I'm mourning, the possibility of... happy-joy goodness.

My only rules are:
-Do not allow the situation to adversly effect the job/career/professional life.
-Do not share feelings with the x/stbx/former-thing (that implies that you expect him/her to change something... not fair to either of you).
-When you are allowing the breakdown, there is no boundary... punch pillows, slam doors, cry, scream, talk out loud, anything goes.
-Take enough precautions to be safe and never break anything (though ripping paper sometimes helps).

HTH

I think my x has had a new honey since before Christmas. Don't know for sure and don't really care I guess. Hate to sound like a broken record, but EFT did it for me. It gets rid of all the emotional charges around events/trauma/behavior so that you have clarity. I think it's hard to really find oneself until you rid yourself of the conditioning you've been subjected to since conception.

Quote:
This is exactly what most of the men do, and just continue the same bad patterns. That's why, ultimately, I don't feel much more beyond pity for any girl he ends up with. And I hope beyond hope that he doesn't procreate anymore. I just don't think I could ever muster up a shred of respect for a man who would abandon his own children, let alone an iota of jealousy or wanting - for me, his behavior has been so atrocious that it just erases whatever good there was between us.

My opinion on this? It isn't HIM you are sad about not having - it is what you'd hoped to have with him. He's just the manifestation of that in your dream.
I don't think you ever get over the loss of "what should have/could have been" - you get past it, but whenever you think of it, you always get that twinge of sadness.
So, your ARE over him.

Quote:
:

I think you ARE finding yourself. Even if you are not where you ultimately and ideally would like to be, you're very aware of the state of things, and that alone is "finding yourself".

I find myself thinking somedays that I'm 'over him' and I really think that I mostly am, as when he comes over I don't feel attraction to him, it annoys me, and sometimes I am glad when it is time for him to go. BUT the realization that I have those feelings makes me cry.

x said it better to me in a text message "I miss loving you, but I've been missing that long before you were gonne". and I cried. Because I feel the same. His text message was the realization that we WISH for the person we would want the other to be.

Think, did you feel safe, loved, appreciated, etc...with him?

TO me, my internal peace hits me now way more than before, at unexpected moments. The little moments with DD, where it crosses my mind "I *AM* really ok, I'm at peace, I love this life". and that happens despite the also passing thoughts of hurt and wishing for what couldn't be. That to me, is the journey to finding oneself.

This was such a great thread mamas!! I love how I can be going through something in my own life, pop in here and find someone else going through the same thing!!

I really felt like I was doing great 'getting over' my ex. To be honest, there is a protection order against him until 12/27/2008 so the fact that I haven't physically seen him since before Christmas has gone a long way towards making that happen. But just when I think "Okay, I'm ready to try again now" and start hanging out with someone new, old feelings resurface and I find myself pushing the new guy away, playing cd's that remind me of my ex, struggling not to call him, crying, and just generally regressing in all directions.

It only happens when someone takes an interest in me, like I can have crushes all over the place, but let someone show interest in *me* and I run away to hide in the past again. It's the dumbest thing. Once the 'threat' of someone liking me is over (because I pushed them away) I stop clinging to the memory of my ex so much and start feeling strong again. It's almost like on some level, I want to remain 'faithful' to a man that was incredibly abusive towards me (enough so that I had to get an order against him) even though I won't even be seeing him again for three years when the order expires!!! The sick-o romantic delusion goes that someday he will see how horrid he's been, get clean, and come back to be a cherished part of our family.

I also find myself going through every man I meet with a fine-toothed comb and hypercritically finding potential problems and flaws everywhere and just abandoning the whole idea before it really even gets off the ground because I don't want to deal with some guy's dysfunctional issues. But who DOESN'T have issues, yk?!?

I guess maybe this is a sign that I'm not ready to date just yet...but my fear of fears is that I become like my mother, my sister, and one of the other poster's MILs, who just stay so in love with their ex that they live out the rest of their lives alone because they can never let go and move on...I think the fear of that happening to me drives me to do things before I'm really ready. Or the fear that once I am really ready, no one will want me.

meemee I agree that it is all a process, a process which will take you through so many emotions and reactions. I was talking with my mom about just this question yesterday, and realized that it is so hard to *get through this* because it is an intensely private and personal journey that only you can fully experience and know how to get through. I know there is definitely a need for some sort of release, but in order to achieve success with this release we have to be ready for it, we have to want to let go. And that is the complicated part. I know for me, it isn't about ever wanting to be with him again, or getting over him, it is about the way I feel about myself after that relationship. My need to be validated, my feelings of being unwanted, unloved, of feeling small and incapable, feeling not enough and used up. And these are hard to let go of. I think you need to gravitate to whatever experiences, activities and people that make you feel strong, wise, loved, capable, and *you*. It is important to be able to talk about it, vent about it, cry, laugh, rage. That is all part of the release. Time, and sometimes less or more time than we think.

I am still, obviously, trying to find my way out of it, trying to let go, and most of the time I feel I am making huge strides, and then I have days, like today, where I feel crushed. But tomorrow will be better (or the next day) and I will be stronger and I will have moved through something important.

I think when we feel we were decieved in some way it is so hard to move on from that. We take it personally, we take it on as some inadequacy in ourselves, we interpret it to mean that we are the ones left behind, when in reality we should be thanking the deception for proving to us what was really there. In theory of course. It's a hell of a woman that can thank a deception.

I do think that immersing yourself in whatever you love will help you get through this. And that may mean digging deep, it may mean searching out something new, but you need to get back to you, and you need to do it with passion. Feed yourself, and KNOW(and believe) that you deserve every inch of whatever you dream of for yourself.

raynbow and MCAL - both ur answers together helped me 'see'. raynbow u r SOOO RIGHT. it isnt about him at all. it is about my broken dream. i am really over him. i do get the occasional twinge but nothing major. right now he is a stranger to me. the body remains the same (he has worked out and looks REALLY HOT!!! but man i only see the baggage behind the muscles) but i dont know who he is today. and my dream focused on their relationship too. more of what they were sharing rather than he was with her.

and MCAL - yes u r sooo RIGHT!!! he is not the destination but just another part of my journey. my world doesnt end with him. that is so, so true. i still want my dream and my ex is not the only man on earth with whom i can share it.

in the last maybe 6 months i have become more spiritual - trying to do meditation, and all of that. that has so helped me heal. and deal with his abusive words. before i would be curled in a fetal position cold and shivering even in 110 degrees totally frightened he would take my dd away from me.. but looking inwards has helped me not freak out so much. it really has helped me conquer my fear of not freaking out whenever i am facing challenges. but most importantly it has helped me learn to ask the universe for help - and i always get it. i wish it wouldnt be so last minute but usually something always comes thru.

i have been focusing on finding a teacher. and after i had these revealations it suddenly became clear to me that indirectly my ex could be my teacher. he has been v. uncaring when i needed him most and v. mean BUT behind that horrible person does lurk an extremely nice person - a true dr jekyle and mr hyde. and instead of always seeing him as an evil person i feel if i focus on his good side and ignore the bad then perhaps i wouldnt appear so defensive - but rather be v. peaceful and calm with no raised voice and maybe that will have an impact on him and will improve our relationship so we can at least communicate properly as two human beings for the sake of our child.

but even if he doesnt change it is enough for me that i have . its been great not having a job these 2 weeks as it has given me a LOT of time to myself and with my dd. somehow the dream released something within me. the time has helped me focus on what i really want to do. what i want out of life. for the first time in 4 years i truly enjoyed my time to myself and figured out my passions. everyday this week for a little while i was noones dd, no ones mother, or no ones ex. i was just me. man that felt sooo good.

journey it is so funny i want him to find happiness too. in any form - whether it be a gf, winning the lottery, etc. but i still feel i am not ready to date. just the practical logistics need to be worked out. i have so little time with dd that i would hate to find a babysitter for her. now if it was her father taking her then i would be ok. so i just have to work on some sort of regularity rather than him making whatever decision he pleases and expecting me to go along because i dont have a life.

wolfcat where were u 3 1/2 years ago. i could have REALLY used this advice then instead of using up a lot of heartache trying to figure it out.

Ltlfaery - Think, did you feel safe, loved, appreciated, etc...with him?
actually i did. taht is why this hurts so much. BUT... i hadnt discovered my life then. i was living my life to make him happy. i really loved the 'high' of being in love, BUT i have more peace now - since i have discovered myself.

yes Ltlfaery my journey is the same as yours - those special moments. those moment of the present.

xenomama - my dd wanting us to be together so she can get together time with both of us instead of separately is what makes it harder. she IS learning that is not how the world works and is accepting it... but it makes me even hurt more and long for what it could have been. but then on teh other hand i think - yes i would have been happy and together but i would not have found myself.

Cohey_Kisses: have u thought about therapy to heal?

calebsmommy u r too new to teh game. just give ur self time and u WILL be where u want to be.

Meemee,
Just wanted to say that I think the work you are doing to grow and heal yourself is amazing. It takes courage and strength to really look at ourselves and figure out ways to get through the crap we've endured and figure out a new way to live.

I think you are doing well and just wanted to offer you support and love!