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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">yuck<br><br>
I definitely know how you feel. You get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. Pregnant women don't seem to respect the feelings of those of us that have problems getting pregnant. I hope she does for you. If not, stop taking her calls. Caller ID is a beautiful thing.</td>
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I was just wondering what a good way would be for pregnant women to respect the feelings of those that have problems getting pregnant? What makes the difference between being pregnant and being respectful of your problems or being pregnant and not being respectful?<br>
Should pregnant women tell right away or wait and see just in case?<br>
Like if your friend had to take a 2 months break from fertility drugs and you are pregnant, should you tell her or wait and hope she gets pregnant too in two months?<br>
Is there a way to announce it in a less hurtful way?
 

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Before I answer, I want to be clear on what you're asking (I think I am, but I just want to be sure). Are you asking: "how do I tell a friend who's struggling with infertility that I am pregnant?" If so, the answer also depends on the relationship, is this a close friend, relative, co-worker...? How often do you see this person? Do you usually communicate via phone, in person, email? Do you talk about her difficulties w/getting pregnant, infertility treatments? Does she talk about her feelings about others' pregnancies and/or seeing others' babies? ... that sort of thing... Having struggled with infertility for a decade and having several friends (cyber- and IRL) who struggle with infertility, and having two living children I've been on both sides of this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Two reasons to ask. One as you guessed is that I do have a friend with infertility problems. We talk about it a lot. I don't see her very often in person anymore because I moved to the States but we still talk about once a week and we have been friends for 20 years. Her situation is very difficult. Through IVF she did get pregnant a year ago (after about 2-3 years of unsuccessful TTC and hormone treatment) but chose to abort because the baby was diagnosed with Trisomy.<br><br>
The other reason is that I saw above quote in another post and was wondering how to achieve that. It seems like it's going to hurt no matter what I say? What would be some examples of saying it in a 'respectful' way?
 

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Hmm... okay, well I think the first thing to do, at least when I'm on the receiving end as someone who has been through many infertility treatments and who can only get pregnant via IVF is to have the person acknowledge that it may be difficult for me to hear that they're pregnant and that they do want to be sensitive to my feelings. They know that I don't wish them ill and that I am happy for them, but that it may be difficult for me to hear anyway.<br><br>
The reality is that sometimes, regardless of how careful or sensitive you are or try to be, feelings can be hurt. I went through 5 losses and 6 IVF cycles over the course of 2 years to get pregnant with my son and a friend who had been through 2 IUIs over 3 months at the time to try for her second was still jealous (and let me know it!) when I became pregnant with my son. She knew that I was cycling and we were posting on the same infertility board so I wanted to let her know what my results were before I posted them (though I knew beforehand because I had been POASing in secret) so I sent her an email and waited for a response before posting. I got a great email response, but when we spoke in person, she was clearly hurt and felt left behind. I understood, of course, so I didn't talk to her about my pregnancy unless she brought it up. It was hard for me because I had some problems with spotting and I was scared because of my previous losses and I didn't think that any of my fertile friends would understand my fears (and I had only told two of my IRL friends that I was cycling and they were both fellow infertiles) ... so it was hard all around.<br><br>
As far as that comment... well, sometimes it depends on where we are with our infertility. There have been moments that I've felt that way but I don't feel that way right now in this moment but I can relate to it. Most fertiles don't get it. Sometimes you feel like they rub their fertility in your face. On one level you know it's not so, but sometimes you just can't help feeling that way because you want SO badly to just be able to get pregnant and have a baby like a normal person. Or, even if not like a normal person, just not have it be SO hard. And you want others to have some sensitivity about it. I've seen so many seemingly insensitive pregnant women that I feel guilty when I am pregnant. I don't announce it or talk about it. Seriously. Even in my OB's office I don't chat about it or flip through the pregnancy magazines because I think about those who are still left behind. I don't complain about my aching back or swollen ankles because I'd rather have them than not because "not" is a whole lot worse.<br><br>
Infertility is a very difficult and lonely road to have to travel. Even with you're with others who are traveling the same path, it still feels isolating so being appropriately sensitive is a big challenge. I think the best thing to do is to say, "I want to be sensitive... please tell me how to do this for you..." and go from there because what each person needs is going to be different. Some women don't want to hear anything about the other person's pregnancy at all while others don't want to be left out.
 

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This was my quote. I think what I meant was not necessarily telling people that you are pregnant as being disrespectful. What I meant was the women that do nothing but talk about their pregnancies. They go on and on and don't have anything else to contribute other than the fact they are pregnant. Of course there is never a good way to tell someone struggling w/ infertility that you are pregnant. But, you don't have to make this the topic of every conversation. To me that is like rubbing salt in a wound. I have a SIL who doesn't have children. Even before I got pregnant I asked a close relative why. My husband didn't know. I didn't know if it was her choice or if she couldn't have them. If she couldn't have them I wanted to make sure I didn't discuss this w/ her. I would tell her, but not yap all day about it. I have a cousin who is pregnant right now and her mother (my aunt) feels the need to call me everyday talking about this even though she knows I'm struggling w/ infertility right now. This is all she talks about. If I even mention my son it's "Oh, gotta go right now". This would be the person I am talking about. I hope this clears it up.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br>
Personally, when I have a friend who is announcing their pg, I'd rather get an email or letter. That way I can digest the information and my feelings, then choose if I want to email or call back.<br><br>
But ITA about pg women going on and on about their pg's. I know when I was pg with my dd (after years of trying and lots of fertility meds) I wouldn't talk about my pg alot to friends, esp those who didn't have children. I just felt that if they were having troubles ttc #1 (or, #2, 3, etc) that it would be rubbing salt into their wound. I was pretty open about my infertility to my friends and if they wanted to talk about their struggles, then I'd hope that they would come to me. And I know how it feels to have salt rubbed into my wound, so I wouldn't knowingly do the same to someone else. I hope that makes sense. I'm not feeling very eloquent today!<br><br>
But I had a very good "friend" who was pg last year. I shared all of my struggles and pains with her. As soon as she found out she was pg, it was like she forgot all about my struggles and feelings. She would call me just to tell me how tired she was, how sick she was. She would say things like you don't understand how I feel b/c you've never had to take care of a child while also carrying a child. Um, ouch.<br><br>
But, I would feel hurt if a friend didn't tell me she was pg and wanted until the very last minute. I have some friends who don't tell anyone about their pregnancies until the 2nd trimester just to make sure everything is ok, and I totally understand that. But I know that my friends (and the world) shouldn't stop having children just because I have problems, but the constant pg chatter and droning on is a bit much to take.
 

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I have a very dear friend who's been trying to get pregnant for over 5 years. It's something she and I used to talk about a lot. I think you just have to be sensitive. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, she was right by my side with a ton of research and when I scheduled my own fertility appointment, she felt partly bad that this was happening to me, but a little happy because I was more in her boat than just a listening friend.<br>
When I got pregnant, she was one of the first people I told. I waited till we had plans and told her we were pregnant and I told her that I knew it would be hard. We had lots of frank discussions about her sadness that instead of being in the same boat, I was now pregnant and therefore potentially a source of pain. I told her that I loved her and I totally respected if she needed to cut back on contact or whatever and that I knew our friendship was strong and could take this. I told her the most important thing was that she take care of herself and to tell me if I did turn into one of those prattling insensitive folks. I can't say it's been easy for either one of us, but we're making our way. The key for us is to talk it through and to have those hard conversations if we've stepped on each other's toes. The hardest part of it now is paying attention to how much I talk about my DS. It isn't all I say, but he's a big part of my life. My friendship with her is something I miss a lot...the days when we both wanted to get pregnant, but couldn't and we could just can tomatoes for 13 hours or whatever. It's harder now, but I think things will be fine. We're growing together into a new relationship.
 

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fwiw, i would tell her right away, of course in a caring manner. in my own experience, i had a fairly close friend and dh and i had a long conversation with her and her dh about the procedures/tests/interventions we are going thru. we felt like they led us on to think they were having trouble too...only to find out 2 weeks later...they told us they were 3 months pregnant! i felt totally betrayed, so i think the sooner you speak up, the better. just my .02!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>coome</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9854715"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">only to find out 2 weeks later...they told us they were 3 months pregnant! i felt totally betrayed, so i think the sooner you speak up, the better. just my .02!</div>
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Though some people tell folks they're pregnant before 3 months, it is completely reasonable to wait until after the first trimester to tell people about a pregnancy, as the first trimester is when most losses occur. Though technology allows us to confirm a pregnancy sooner these days, the number of losses remains high in the first trimester, and so, in my book, waiting is still appropriate.<br><br>
As for how to tell someone, while I completely understand being respectful, I don't think it is right to expect others to stifle their joy. Joy isn't meant to be pushed down and stifled.
 

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For me personally, the only thing that really seems to matter is that the person telling me realizes just. how. lucky. she. is. Then, I am happy for her. If she acts like its no big deal to get pregnant, easy to get pregnant, or complains, then I don't feel so good. But I honestly love to hear another woman say, even if she got pregnant on the first try: "I know how blessed I am." Then I feel that she understands my struggle a little bit.
 

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I think a pregnant person can respect the feelings of someone going through IF but not going on and on about how easy it was for them to conceive (we were only trying for a minute and bam) also by not complaining about things like the gender not being what you wanted, how you really wanted a summer baby or certain sun sign etc. Realized that for those of us who struggle have little control and are not able to plan when or if we get pregnant so to hear about how you planned it perfectly hurts.<br><br>
I would like to be told in person if possible and in a sensitive way. Honestly it never bothered me when someone announced their pregnancy but I did appreciate it if someone at least tried to be sensitive and understood if I wasn't over the moon about their news - although usually I was.
 

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i think for me so much of it depends on where my head is at that day. it is never a happy thing for me to hear (sadly, bc i know it should be), but there are times that i am pretty sure i'd be upset no matter how the news was delivered and other times that i'm okay about it.<br><br>
however.... it is important, for me at least, that my feelings about it are acknowledged, if it's a good friend. i had a friend recently get pregnant (the first time they'd had sex in months, the day they decided to "try" pretty much) and she seemed really reluctant to even acknowledge that it was difficult for me. i really tried for the first few days to not make it all about me (bc obviously it is not, lol), but eventually i felt like i had to jump up and down about it to get some attention. i had other friends of mine calling to find out how i was but she was acting like i shouldn't be having trouble with it.<br><br>
and then there is the problem of hanging out with the pregnant person. obviously when you're pg, it's on your mind and you want to talk about it. i try really hard to not get upset about every report of baby moving, every ache and pain, heartburn complaint, etc. i know that if i were pg, i'd be talking about it. so i try, try, try to give my pregnant friends leway to do it, but some days it's hard and i kind of wish i wasn't getting a blow by blow about the kicking and all that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>gemasita</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9855858"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">For me personally, the only thing that really seems to matter is that the person telling me realizes just. how. lucky. she. is. Then, I am happy for her. If she acts like its no big deal to get pregnant, easy to get pregnant, or complains, then I don't feel so good. But I honestly love to hear another woman say, even if she got pregnant on the first try: "I know how blessed I am." Then I feel that she understands my struggle a little bit.</div>
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I am just stopping in to say THANKS! for all the great input. I did tell her and she took it really well. What seemed to resonate especially with her was gemasita's advice (above) about letting her know that we realize how lucky we are. I am so glad I asked that question!<br><br>
She's having her last try at hormone treatment to harvest her own eggs later this month and hopefully it will work this time and perhaps we can be pregnant together. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I prefer an email, prefereably before announcing to everyone. Just a day or so in advance so that I can take it all in. I hate being told to my face especially with other people around.
 

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<span style="color:#000000;">Email is best; not exactly for the reasons you think.</span><br><br><span style="color:#000000;">For me, I KNOW when a woman is pregnant before she does at times. I can just feel the pregnancy vibe so if she tried to keep it from me if we're together, I get very uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, etc. So its best that I find out via email or at least tell me upfront if or letter isn’t possible.</span><br><br><span style="color:#000000;">Dito what everyone else said too.</span>
 
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