[PiscesMama24]

I don't know where to start. For weeks now I've felt a huge and heavy weight on my shoulders/chest. I 'm having a hard time breathing. I feel as though my relationships are falling apart. With my parents primarily. We just don't connect like we use to. There is so much judgement, so much resentment. Stemming from my choice not to have my mom at the birth of my daughter. I wanted it to be an intimate ceremony between my husband and myself, and our new child. She took it as me pushing her out of my life.

Things have snowballed since then. Comments here and there, taken the wrong way. My dad saying that I intentionally try to hurt people around me by sabatoging the things they care most about. I found him drinking while watching my daughter a few weeks ago (middle of the day, for 2 hours). I feel betrayed, confused. Like I want them completely out of my life, but I also want them close. I'm mourning the vision I have had for so long... the "it takes a village" mentality is one I've held so close and it's literally falling apart before my eyes.

I don't trust my parents to be with my daughter. Not so much because I fear for her safety, but our relationship is not collaborative, we can't talk openly about what we're observing in DD's behavior, how things that I do could help or hinder her. I don't feel like I can accept their advice because I don't feel like either of them are in a stable place. But I want their advice SO MUCH! I want to know what i was like at DD's age, how they handled the two year old phase. What they think about the possibility of me homsechooling, not vaxing, practicing attachment parenting. They hold me in such a negative light. They don't like me as a person anymore.

I feel like my life is falling apart. I use to depend on their opinion for my own self worth. I know that's not right. But now I don't know where I belong. Where I fit in in this world. I'm juggling work (mostly from home) so I can be with DD full time, my internship (so I can finish getting my 3,000 MFT licensure hours, running the household, providing as stable an environment for DD as possible (taking her to the Farmer's market, playdates, music class). I can barely take her into the office with me anymore because she is very much in the throes of the "terrible two's" (I hate that term, but am not sure how else to describe some of her challenging behaviors).

Last night DH told me that the only MFTs he knows are "crazy" and to not turn out like them. Makes me want to rip up the intern registration that I was so pround of that just arrived in the mail last week. He said he was "joking" but he also says that "jokes are 80% truth." He then said I would feel better if I got up with him at 6:45 and went for a walk, he threw the word "lazy" in to the mix there and all I could think of was that I'm "lazy and crazy." Fell asleep with that mantra playing through my head. I can barely wake up at 7:30 after tossing and turning trying to fall asleep at night and being awoken at 4 or 5 to nurse DD.

I just want to disappear. I want to numb myself. I've cancelled two playdates, two music classes, one meeting with my homeschooling group, and three evening sessions with my clinets over the past coupld of weeks. I say I'm "sick." Which I suposse, isn't too far from teh truth. I am fatigued, exhausted, just want to cry most of the time. I actually packed my bags this weekend to leave, to go where I don't know, I just had the sudden urge to flee everything, flee life (BTW, this is so uncharacteristic of me). But I guess it's right in line with me being "crazy" right?

I don't know what to do. I want to push my parents away but I feel that I need their support. My husband says I don't. They let me down tremendously during my pregnancy and the whole birth drama and it still hasn't been resolved. DH has lost all respect for them and they're so unstable there doesn't seem to be any way to reconnect...to get back the open, communicative relationship we once had back. I feel like I'm grieving. I don't like to be fake around my daughter but I don't want her to see me like this. We can't afford childcare...we can barely afford to keep our house. I have to cut back on therapy (I've only met with her twice, but It's already breaking us financially).
I just want to crawl into a hole right now. Oh yeah...and it's time to start trying for #2 (so they can be spaced about 3 years apart). Can I scream now?!!!

 

[happywife101]

First of all, I am very sorry you are going through this and having a hard time, feeling very alone. Of course you have every right to be sad that your relationship is not going well with your parents. Whenever that happens to me for one reason or another it affects me too, so I understand. The only advice I can offer is that maybe you should free up your schedule a little more from everything and take a break! Stay at home with your child and relax with your child. I am a stay at home mom and go to college online, and you know what? there are not any playdates for my son and no anything yet, and he functions fine. We go on walks together with the dogs, play inside, play outside, and watch educational shows on tv. He will hopefully be pottytrained by this fall to get into a short preschool class (2 times a week for 2 hours). Other than that, he is an only child and I spend 90% of my time with him. I do not have any friends and live far away from all my family. Yes it is lonely, but finding this forum has helped me and taking some breathing time. I think your child being in all the activities is great, but it won't hurt them to not be involved in so much. My son is developing just fine. Maybe some time just relaxing at home with your child is what you need, and not so full of a schedule. I am just trying to offer you some advice from my experience...I hope that things get better for you and Im thinking good thoughts for you. About ttc soon. You don't have to try to start yet if you feel you are not ready. You may want to hold off for a bit until things smooth out for you. Again this is just my opinion..take it or leave it

Im sorry you are so sad. I wish I could help more. Im not a doctor or anything, so the advice Im offering is just from my experience. Let me know if you make any changes and they help. Best wishes

 

[meemee]

do not give up your dream of finding that village.

that village exists all around us. we have to just find the right people.

and just because they are related by blood does not make them automatic members of the village. i have found a tiny portion of the village that does not include any blood relatives at all.

from your post it seems like things are going from bad to worse.

dont close your options. you dont need money for everything. look around you and find if you can barter any services for childcare. sometimes when we get too into our problems we have a hard time other options that are right there in front of us.

 

[Caittune]

I couldn't read and not at least send some hugs. I don't have a whole lot of time to post right now.

It sounds to me like maybe you could benefit from some counselling from a neutral third party so you can get some of your feelings out without feeling as if you are being judged. It sounds like you already have a lot on your plate, but even a little time would probably be helpful.

I've suffered from depression for many years, and what you are describing sounds very familiar to me. Big hugs, and I hope you are feeling better very soon.

 

[pauletoy]

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.

You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Reduce your daily schedule to help reduce the stress. Maybe take a walk by yourself, it always helps me clear my head.

I am dealing with a difficult family relationship myself, so I don't have any advise but I sure hope someone else does.

Just remember you are a strong, capable women independent of your parents. Don't expect them to validate you. Just look at your daughter and you will know you are doing a great job!!!!

 

[bumblebeeskies]

I've gotten this bad a couple of times. Unfortunately, the only thing that has helped me is meds.

 

[sebandg'smama]

2 years of night nursing can take a lot out of you. Sleep is so important especially when you have so much going on during the day.

Regarding your parents, it is not an all or nothing situation. Ask for what you need from them. You might be surprised at what they can deliver. But at the same time don't hold onto any expectations. Whatever they give is a gift.

 

[PiscesMama24]

Thanks so much for your input mamas. It helps to know that some of you have been here before...that I'm not alone even though I feel like I am.

I see a therapist now, but I just don't feel the connction She's young, and an intern like me. Doesn't have kids so can't really relate to what I'm going through.

Why can't I get out of this funk? My doctor wants to put me on Prozac, but I feel like that's the last thing I need going into our second pregnancy (at least while TTC).

I don't know what to do to reduce my stress. I have to work to pay our bills (we can BARELY cover them). Otherwise I would be a SAHM instead of a WAHM. I have to do my internship hours 'cause I only have 6 years to accrue all of them.

I'm having major trust issues when it comes to people watching DD. And while I tend to like to be in control of everything, and consider myself a perfectionist....I feel like I'm going overboard lately. Like somehow, since my life feels like it's spinning out of control, I have to grasp at anything I can that I CAN control.
I went to work this morning and broke down...twice. SO unprofessional. I just can't seem to hold it together lately.

 

[meemee]

mama i am so sorry you are going thru this. perhaps you can take prozac just for a while to help you cope with this whole situation and then review later on.

:

 

[OGirlieMama]

I really feel for you - that sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. But I guess what leaps out at me is your desire to start TTC#2 right now, so the spacing between your children will be 3 years, as you desire. I'm wondering if maybe it wouldn't be healthier for you to get your life to a more manageable place before adding a second child to it and increasing your stress. Three years may feel like the ideal spacing, but maybe it's not if you feel like your life is so out of control and you don't really have anyone with whom you can trust your first child.

 

[BroodyWoodsgal]

I've been there and I'm sorry. My relationship with my mother has been very much like this. I worshipped her as a kid, she was my hero, her opinion of me ment more than anything. During my pg she totally let me down and disappeared from my life...only to return at the very end of the pg and thought that she was going to be at my DDs birth. I only wanted me and DH. The thing is, it really broke my heart that she couldn't be there afterwards with our close family who came, but she couldn't, because it was about ME and my new family...not about all of the crazy that tags along with her, wherever she goes. I have been trying really hard to just let things slide with her, because I want to have her in my life...but sometimes I wonder why I'm trying so hard. I feel like I betray myself sometimes in an effort to "let go of things" so that things can be easy with us. But, like you, DH has lost all respect for her and we both agree that she could never be allowed to have DD alone.

There are just too many good reasons for that rule.

So...I don't know what to tell you my darling. Like PPs said...being a blood relative does not automatically make you a "villager". My village ROCKS....because I have FINALLY started to really grasp that I have not only a right, but a DUTY to ensure that the people in my village are good to me and are excellent people to serve as roll models for my most precious babe. Nobody gets automatic entry....imagine you are writing a book about your childs life and all of the interesting people she knows. Who is in this book? "This is _______, he is an artist and loves animals" <---- is this the type of person you want your baby girl to have, in her story book of early life? Or, maybe "This is grandpa, he and mama dont know how to talk anymore, so he sits and drinks when when I come to play" <---- is this what you want? I'm not trying to be harsh at all....I'm just trying to illustrate for you, the importance of this idea, behind a "village". YOU get to pick these people.

And please remember....the village is not just for your DD....it's YOUR village too. The people in your network of close friends and family are supposed to be people you can count on, people who get you and are positive about you and would back up the choices you make for your family not because they always agree with you, but because they RESPECT what it is you are trying to do for your family. You ARE doing a good job, you ARE making great choices and it sounds like a lot of sacrifices to make sure you can raise your DD the way you think will make her happy and safe and confident.

So...maybe right now is not the time to try and "save" things with your parents. Parenting a fiesty toddler is ENOUGH. I think right now, only loving and respctful people will do, honey bunches. You need soft, light, strong, supportive, caring, respectful....you don't need what they bring, even though it sounds like a pretty mutual falling out. It's no ones fault....but you really don't need it.

I undertand why you want to try for #2 right now. I get the spacing thing....but I am also worried for you dear. I wish there were a way you could be in therapy without breaking the bank...but I think that ttc again may just add more stress to things...and may not serve you well at the moment. Could you put it off even a few months? Like I said...I totally get it. My DH and I just conceived number two for spacing reasons and I'm kind of feeling a liiiiittle bit crazy right now.

GL my love. I'm sorry for your struggle. Remember to eat and drink enough...nourish your body as best you can. I'm sending so much peace and warmth your way..I hope you get it.

 

[PiscesMama24]

AverysMomma, Wow...thank you so much for your caring, thoughtful response. I like your suggestion of imagining I'm writing a book for my daughter. This puts things in a whole different perspective. I want more than anything to nurture her relationships, to have her grow up with strong, healthy connections to herself and to the important people around her. And I guess the most important thing for me right now is to find that village, as difficult as it is, and keep those relationships alive for her. I just wish with all my heart that it was something my parents could be a part of too. I'm not sure if there will be a time when they will re-enter into the story. I really hope so.
I'm working on finding a therapist...it's just a matter of timing and cost. I'm waiting for a call back as we speak.
Thank you again for your kind thoughts.

 

[mamabird83]

Oh mama, I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. I have been there too and I know how hard it is to feel that way and try to put on a strong front for your child.

It is so stressful dealing with parents, husband, work and child when you are sleep deprived and pushed to your maximum capacity. When I am feeling especially burnt out I try to remember this too shall pass.

One thing that has helped me TREMENDOUSLY when I have been deeply depressed is cod liver oil. I take 2 teaspoons daily and it drastically changes my attitude. I seriously go from wanting to pack my bags to sunshine and rainbows. I have been on anti-depressants before and I find that cod-liver oil works MUCH better for me. It helps to replace the omega 3s that are often depleted from pregnancy and nursing. If you are already taking a fish oil supplement try upping the dose or switching to cod liver oil- I really think it might make a difference. It is at least worth trying and may be better than taking Prozac.

I am not saying this to try to simplify your problem, I am just speaking from my own personal experience. Cod liver oil has changed my life.

Take care mama. Best wishes.

 

[hippiemum21580]

Mama,I can completly understand where you are comingfrom. Not alot of time to typeright now as the kidsare wakingfromnapsright now but just wanted to let you know you are most certainly NOTthe only one! Being proactive as a loving mother and in order to keep yourself in a healthy mental and spiritual space may mean others will not always understand. But your priorities must be to yourself and your child first and formost in my opinion. Sometimes it takes TIME and nothing but to tell what direction life is taking you and where each piece will fit. Blessings and peace!

 

[gbailey]

I am really sorry you are going through this and I will think positive thoughts for you and sending many hugs.

 

[ShwarmaQueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caittune I've suffered from depression for many years, and what you are describing sounds very familiar to me. Big hugs, and I hope you are feeling better very soon.

:

#1 You are overloaded mentally. Taking some time for yourself is what you need.
#2 Do seek help. For your kids, if not for yourself.

:hgu

 

[MommytoTwo]

I agree with the counseling... your first priority is to your child and DH as you know, and not your parents anymore. Maybe they like you being dependant. I probably would say trynig for #2 is not a great idea right now. They dont have to be 3 years apart.