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Discussion Starter #1
I'm very private about my relationship, but right now I'm so stressed out, so full of anxiety and so distraught. I don't know what to do. Things have been going down hill for a little while and they seem to be on a breaking point now. Let me preface this by saying, Dfiance is a great person, and a fantastic dad. He loves our 2.5 year old DD more than anything. He is a hard worker and a wonderful provider.<br><br>
But it's gotten to a point where I feel nothing for him. I don't even know where to start. There are so many things going on and on one hand, they seem petty, and on the other, it seems like huge issues we can't get around.<br><br>
I can remember various fights and arguments throughout the 4 years we've been together, and a couple times that were less than great. However, nothing that has compared to this year. I should also mention that I suffered a miscarriage July of last year. It was an unplanned pregnancy, but very much wanted, and it devastated me emotionally. I tried to move on, but occasionally I’d still have episodes of sobbing or fights caused by my already fragile state on one of my sad days or something. I realized very recently through dream analysis and some other things that were going on that I still had a lot of unresolved issues from the m/c. I’ve been journaling and it’s helped a lot, but some of the things that came up was how upset I was with DF. After it happened, it really helped to talk about it, and I had a lot of spiritual/philosophical things I was trying to work out. He’d blatantly change the subject, ignore me in favor of the tv or computer, etc. I felt so intrusive trying to talk to him about it. I don’t mean for that to sound like he didn’t care, because he did. I know it bothered him, but not nearly as much as it bothered me. He doesn’t handle death or sensitive situations well and he has never understood the depth of my pain. I protected him from a lot of what was happening, I went to the ER alone so he could stay with DD, etc., I tried to shoulder a lot of the burden. Maybe that was my mistake. Maybe if I let him experience more of it with me, he’d understand better. Fast forward to the end of ’09 the beginning of ’10. We had a lot of fights throughout then, some caused by me being extra sensitive, some caused by him just being a jerk, but a lot of big, nasty fights. The baby was due January 29. My birthday is January 28. I warned him, over, and over, and over, all through January, that I would need extra consideration and support around that time. On my birthday, while at a part time job with DD, he called and started a HUGE fight about something very, very silly. I was so, so hurt and angry but after a few days, I tried to get over it, move on, get on with life kind of thing. February was horrible. I felt so emotionally distanced from him, we fought all of the time, it was extremely close to ending. I even had plans for leaving if it couldn’t be salvaged. We couldn’t stand each other. Towards the end of the month, I was emotionally, mentally and even physically, a wreak. Come to find out, a lot of my symptoms metaphysically meant repressed anger. I was surprised, thinking, what am I angry about? I hadn’t connected it to the original incident, but finally I put two and two together and we had a few sessions of talking it out. He couldn’t realize why it would mean that much, why I still felt that way a month later. Someone I trusted, someone who should’ve understood my pain better than anyone, could hurt me so badly when they knew I was already so hurt. I struggled to make him understand, even as I did not fully understand it, and he finally somewhat did… Things got better, but there are still a lot of issues. It’s been a few months since that was resolved but there are still so many other things going on. Through journaling I realized that I also had a lot of anger towards him for not supporting me more through the miscarriage by not letting me talk about it. I’m sorry, not understanding is not a good excuse. If it were reversed, I would’ve tried to understand, asked him to talk to me, tell me his feelings. I’ve told him all this, and he does the complete opposite. In fact, he shuts me down about a lot of things. I’m a talker, I need to express, and he gets tired of listening to me. I’m too long winded for him, even when I try to make myself concise. He zones out, tells me he’s heard enough/heard it before, ignores me, etc. I feel unheard, silenced and not understood. We don’t communicate well anyways. He’s very defensive. Even if I say things to him in a gentle way, he gets upset. Often, he does realize this and will apologize later but it makes talking difficult. If he doesn’t want to hear what I’m saying, he gets upset. I’m not free of fault, I can be too sensitive sometimes too, but he also has a much more abrasive way of saying things than I do.<br><br>
Another huge issue is his weight. He is over 100 pounds overweight. I’ve tried everything to get him to lose, cooking healthy lunches and suppers, exercising with him, buying him 10 minute trainer, encouraging him (which he reads as nagging him), offering him information and support, offering deals I.e. work out with me for a half an hour every night in exchange for sex, everything. He lost close to 50 lbs. through the first year of our relationship but gained it all back when I got pregnant. He’s over 300 pounds now. It didn’t bother me in the beginning, because he was doing so good on his own and I loved him anyway. After he started gaining it back, I worried for his health, he has a strong family history of diabetes, cancer and heart disease. One of his legs was/is extremely swollen with edema. It terrified me. If I say anything about his health or losing weight, no matter how gentle, he gets angry with me. I’m nagging him, he wants to do it on his own, he’ll do it when he’s ready.<br><br>
It’s gotten to a point now where I’m not even attracted to him. I know it sounds shallow, vain and awful. We’ve always had a pretty sexually active relationship, even after the baby was born. The past year or two have been harder for me. I rarely orgasm during sex, which has always been the case, but now I can rarely even get aroused. This year has been the worst. I’m so fed up with the weight. I’ve always tried to be really understanding about it, and helpful. But it’s gotten to the point where I’m just done. I always make an effort to wear things he likes, and generally try to look nice for him. He puts no effort in. We’ve actually had fights because he basically wore the same shirt for a year. His company gave several of the same 4X shirts. He wore them everywhere. To work, to the store, at home, anywhere we went, he wore those shirts. After a year, I got so tired of it I made an issue out of it. Now he has one nice shirt that he’ll wear if we go out somewhere, but only because I’ve made an issue out of it. He only wears 3X and these shirts. 2X are tight on him. He’s even tried to wear those stupid shirts on date nights and such! He doesn’t care how he looks, he doesn’t try or rarely tries to look good for me. He’s claimed that because I don’t like him wearing those shirts all of the time, I wasn’t accepting him. I feel like, health concerns aside, he should want to look good for me. He should at least TRY to. I’m a health coach, so he has all the resources he needs available. It’s just a lack of motivation and laziness. Health is really important to me, I’d consider it one of my core values. It’s hard to date someone who just “doesn’t care about health”. We're on such different pages about the issue. I also have to be mindful of the example he sets for DD. She already has half his genes, and I totally agree with things in moderation, but whenever he has her alone, he’s feeding her chocolate milk, and chocolate, or cookies or candy or whatever. And, to top it off, she gets an eczema like reaction on her cheeks from eating white flour and sugar. Her face is always flamed up after being with him. I’ve tried to explain it hurts her system. He doesn’t listen.<br><br>
Another issue, is that I would really like a second child. He wants no more children. He has felt this way since I was pregnant with DD, but I figured he’d change his mind. He doesn’t like the baby stage, he doesn’t like crying or diapers, etc. Now, he loves DD more than anything, and he is a great dad. He was even excited when I was pregnant last year - I was the one who was upset at first. I know he’d love another baby, but he refuses to have one. He’s given me the “we can talk about it more in the future” thing but that is so inconclusive for me. I know he’d be alright if it just happened, but truthfully, at the point where we are now, it’s probably best if it doesn’t happen, I’m just detailing another issue in our relationship.<br><br>
I do love him, very, very much. And I know that he loves me, and DD. He is a great provider, a hard worker, he’s allowed me to be a (primarily) stay at home mom, he takes care of things around the house, and he’s an amazing person. He is good to others, always willing to help if someone needs it. He’s very susceptible to stress, especially financial stress, but a lot of that was relieved a few months ago when he switched jobs. It improved our family situation a little, but again, still other issues. This is why I’m so conflicted. He’s a good person. He means well. We have a pretty good life together, he takes care of the finances and house, we’ve had a lot of good times. But I’m still not really happy. There is no spark, no passion, no romance, no emotional connection. At best, I feel like I’m with a good friend. At worst, I feel like I can't even look at this person.<br><br>
I mean, the emotional connection is just not there. Intimacy and sex is a part of that, but there is very little hugging, kissing, touching, cuddling, no such thing as massages, etc. In the past I have done a lot of initiating, and he might've been responsive, but I got tired of being the one always doing it. When I pull away a little emotionally, on some level he realizes that and tries a little more but it's harder for me to be receptive at that point. Right now, I can't stand him kissing me or touching me. I will hug or peck kiss him willingly if need be, but he tried to open mouth kiss me and I shut down. I didn't stop him, but it was awful to try to pretend I felt something.<br><br>
We have talked a little bit about things that are going on, but it's so difficult to talk with him. He gets so defensive and spews out all of the things that are wrong with me or even recently has been calling me "mean" - everything I do is mean. I'm sure I'm not the most pleasant person to be around, but I do try to be nice and cordial.<br><br>
The other night he had a fit because I asked him to take a dance class with me, something I've always dreamed of doing. He refused. Later, as I laid in bed with DD for hours and she woke him up by talking, he angerly said that instead of wasting money on dance classes we should spend it on counseling. I very nicely said back that if he wanted to go to counseling, I thought it was a good idea and if he can find one, schedule it and finance it (I'd help out but I barely make anything at my part time job and he knows this) I'd be more than happy to go, but I'd like him to show some initiative. He refused. So much for that idea.<br><br>
There are a million other petty arguments I could detail but what's the point? I'm not trying to blame him for all of this, I'm sure I take my own fair share. I know I don't always communicate the best, I wish I could accept him more, I wish I could be happy here. I feel like I don't have a reason to be unhappy because he is a good person and takes good care of us, even though emotionally, physically, sexually and intellectually it's not there for me. On one hand, I feel like giving up would be failing. I feel like every relationship has it's problems and loses it's spark - am I right? This is my only real relationship, we started dating when I was 17 and he was 25. It's never been much of an issue aside from him occasionally talking down to me like I'm a child. I'm afraid to leave in search of greener pastures only to find there aren't any. And although he is a good parent, I'm also afraid of what this will do to DD. I worry that he will purposely feed her unhealthy foods or let her watch tons of tv as these are things I don't like and he may do them out of spite. (For example - asking him to work out with me irritates him and he refuses to work out for ages to spite me. He's very spiteful sometimes) I also worry he may try to force her into her own bed as he hates co sleeping. I worry about how much he'll try to get her, he's mentioned in the past that he'd want joint custody, and he'd want to keep her for a week at a time. This stresses me out due to a. I could never be away from her for that long, b. his choice of babysitters, and some parenting choices. It would be difficult to have her be away from me for a single night, but I think that would be doable. I think the most I could compromise on would be a weekend, and that would actually help me out a little because then he could watch her while I worked. But the idea of being away from her causes me a lot of anxiety. We are taken care of here. Maybe I shouldn't mess with a 'good' thing.<br><br>
On the other hand - I'm young. I feel like there is so much out there I haven't experienced - other relationships, living on my own, independence. I have so much life ahead of me and to live it unhappy. I don't want to always be with somebody who has different values, who doesn't care about their health, who I no longer feel a connection with.<br><br>
Could I reignite it? Has anyone done it? Maybe if I try really, really hard I could find it in me to be in love with him again, to be attracted to him, to feel connected to him. In my head I think this is a possibility, in my heart I feel it would be forced. Is it already too late?<br><br>
I also should mention that financially I do not have the means to leave. He works and as a family we have plenty, but as an individual, I make probably $600 a month. Certainly not enough to live and support DD on. I've thought of other scenarios, like getting a job as a live in nanny or something to get by but it's not ideal. I'm starting a business right now as a health coach and if I can get 10 clients ASAP (extremely difficult but not impossible) I would be able to live on my own somewhat comfortably. I'm sure he'd also pay child support. I'm trying really hard to market myself in the area, and I may be signing my first client this weekend. Who knows? Maybe more will follow. I hope so. Even if I decide to stay, I'd like to be financially independent. He threw my phone bill (figuratively) in my face last night because I said he was inconsiderate for saying that I was being mean by asking him to get DD a drink of water because I was tired and wanted to rest due to literally getting a total of 10 hours of sleep Friday and Saturday nights from being up with DD until 11 or 12 and getting up a few hours later for work.<br><br>
I'm tired of this situation, I'm tired of being unhappy. We've had a lot of good times, we love each other, but I don't know if it's enough or in a way that could sustain a relationship. I don't know if we're still the right person for each other. It's just not doing it for me on any level, I feel guilty like this is my fault because I can't love him enough or something. I'm so frustrated with the lack of communication, which is poor at best. I feel so shut down by him, I feel like I can't talk to him, he gets irritated with me so easily, I can't trust him to listen to me or understand where I'm coming from. Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to understand, especially with the miscarriage, but I do expect him to at least TRY to understand and support me through it. I get very little if any emotional support from him. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to bring other people around DD, I don't want to jade her to relationships. My mother had 3 horrible marriages and until DF came along I didn't believe in love. We had such a good beginning, and it's hard to think we could never recapture that, but with jobs, stress and a child, I don't think it's possible. I'm rambling, I'm emotional, I'm scared to death. I don't want to leave and I don't want to stay. I don't know what to do. Also - if it makes any difference, several weeks ago I asked Jamie the Intuitive about this. I figured she'd tell me that it was my attitude and to change how I was thinking. Instead, she told me I should leave. You can read her response here if you want: <a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=1220277" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1220277</a> - please note that I am not basing my decision to leave or to stay off of this, it's just one more thing swimming around in my head.<br><br>
Sorry this was so long... thanks for reading and offering advice, support, stories, etc. if you have any. I need any help I can get.
 

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It sounds to me like you want your fiance to be someone he is not.<br><br>
The weight issue you need to either decide you can't live with and move on or you need to let it go. It is his issue. Harping about it won't help, and you can couch it however you want, being a "health coach," or offering resources or whatever but to him it's going to be harping. At the end of the day, he will decide what to do in that department. If you can't accept that and keep your mouth shut, it's a problem.<br><br>
I'm sorry about your miscarriage. I agree that he could have tried to be more supportive. In my relationship, it's just the opposite. I've had more miscarriages than I can count (of much wanted pregancies), but I never had any desire to mourn them or continue to discuss them in any way. I wasn't in denial, but they really did not affect me particularly. My dh was the one who wanted to talk more about it than I did.<br><br>
If you want to make the relationship work, it seems to me like you both need to work on your communication styles. He did offer (albeit half heartedly) to go to counseling, which to me at least seems like he's willing to take a stab at improving the relationship. I think that if you hadn't already made up your mind that you're ready to move on, you would have been more enthusiastic about that.<br><br>
If I were in your position, and I seriously wanted to give this one more try, I'd go the counseling route and see what a trained therapist had to say over an "ask an intuitive" response from someone who doesn't know either of you.<br><br>
I find the "in my heart I'd feel it would be forced" comment incomprehensible. Sometimes keeping a relationship takes work. Either you want to do it or you don't. I've been married to the same guy for almost 30 years. Even though we've had a remarkably happy marriage, sometimes you have to make a conscious decision to make things work and then follow through.<br><br>
I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you, couldn't read without posting. If you can still remember why you loved him it could still be there under the layers of recent life. I agree with the pp that counseling could help the two of you communicate so you could see if it was worth it to you or not. Good luck.
 

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I would advocate couples therapy if he is interested. I feel when people have invested so much in a relationship and have a child, it's worth fighting extra hard to save it. That doesn't mean it will be saved, but you would know that you tried your hardest.<br><br>
My husband and I have struggled over the fact that I strongly want a third child and he strongly does not want one. That issue alone is enough to put strain on a marriage, even without the many other issues you mentioned in your original post.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>EFmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15416258"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It sounds to me like you want your fiance to be someone he is not.<br><br>
The weight issue you need to either decide you can't live with and move on or you need to let it go. It is his issue. Harping about it won't help, and you can couch it however you want, being a "health coach," or offering resources or whatever but to him it's going to be harping. At the end of the day, he will decide what to do in that department. If you can't accept that and keep your mouth shut, it's a problem.<br><br>
I'm sorry about your miscarriage. I agree that he could have tried to be more supportive. In my relationship, it's just the opposite. I've had more miscarriages than I can count (of much wanted pregancies), but I never had any desire to mourn them or continue to discuss them in any way. I wasn't in denial, but they really did not affect me particularly. My dh was the one who wanted to talk more about it than I did.<br><br>
If you want to make the relationship work, it seems to me like you both need to work on your communication styles. He did offer (albeit half heartedly) to go to counseling, which to me at least seems like he's willing to take a stab at improving the relationship. I think that if you hadn't already made up your mind that you're ready to move on, you would have been more enthusiastic about that.<br><br>
If I were in your position, and I seriously wanted to give this one more try, I'd go the counseling route and see what a trained therapist had to say over an "ask an intuitive" response from someone who doesn't know either of you.<br><br>
I find the "in my heart I'd feel it would be forced" comment incomprehensible. Sometimes keeping a relationship takes work. Either you want to do it or you don't. I've been married to the same guy for almost 30 years. Even though we've had a remarkably happy marriage, sometimes you have to make a conscious decision to make things work and then follow through.<br><br>
I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"><br><br>
It sounds like at least a part of you wants to try to make this relationship work. For it to work you (both of you) need to work on it, ideally by seeing a counselor together (IMO). It may be that you make the effort and you still end up breaking up, but at least you will have made the effort and you won't be conflicted with "what ifs", iykwim.<br><br>
Good luck mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Counseling is a must, it doesn't matter who makes the appointment.<br><br>
I must say first that compulsive eating and struggling with weight issues are not about being lazy. You may not understand this bc it is not your struggle but the weight is a symptom of an inner belief about oneself and issues that may not have been resolved (from the past, usually from childhood). If the weight didn't bother you when you first met him then it's not about his health all of a sudden. It seems like you are focusing on the weight as one of the many things you don't like bc it's an easy target.<br><br>
The real issue seems to be that you resent him for not supporting you through the m/c. Your feelings about this are completely valid and need to be addressed. I also suffered a m/c a couple of yrs ago and it was devastating, my dh was wonderful, but if he wasn't then I know I would be angry and hurt. What's done is done but you now need him to really understand how you felt and how his lack of interest in listening and supporting you really damaged the trust and love you had for him.<br><br>
Find someone that you both like to talk this over with. There could possibly be a very loving and satisfying relationship on the other side if you both can work through this. Your dh would also benefit from counseling to delve into the reasons why he is using food to numb himself and escape his feelings.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tanyam926</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15417600"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I must say first that compulsive eating and struggling with weight issues are not about being lazy. You may not understand this bc it is not your struggle but the weight is a symptom of an inner belief about oneself and issues that may not have been resolved (from the past, usually from childhood). If the weight didn't bother you when you first met him then it's not about his health all of a sudden. It seems like you are focusing on the weight as one of the many things you don't like bc it's an easy target.<br><br>
Your dh would also benefit from counseling to delve into the reasons why he is using food to numb himself and escape his feelings.</div>
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This, I think, is a gross pop-psychology overgeneralization. Not everyone who is overweight has "unresolved childhood issues" that they are self-medicating with food.<br><br>
In any event, it is the partner's weight problem, however he wants to deal (or not deal) with it.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thank you for your responses. I feel like counseling could posibly help, but his offer to go to counseling was not an honest offer. If I push the issue, which I may have to, he may choose to go, but he is NOT one to go to doctors of any kind, including physical health doctors which is another issue.<br><br>
EFmom - Your comment was particularly hurtful to me. I love my fiance very much. I did not express his weight issues in extreme detail so for you to draw generalizations like that is not fair. I do believe, like tanyam926 said, that his weight issues are related to childhood. He has a lot of damage from his mother who was an alcoholic, who slept around all of the time, and abused drugs. I try to be extra careful and sensitive around this issue with him. When we first got together, he was losing vast amounts of weight. When I got pregnant about a year later, all of the weight started to come back on, and then some. He is classified as morbidly obese right now with a BMI of over 40. Do you think that's healthy? I'll tell you - no. He has a very strong history of heart disease and diabetes in his family, which means our DD also has a tendency towards those diseases. Now I do all I can to help her to eat healthy (and him for that matter) but I do not control him or his fork. I have tried to help him by cooking healthy meals, offering to exercise with him, etc. I could detail all of the ways I've been supportive of him and tried to help him through this. I do not believe this is something that should go on forever, because of the severe health risks and the risk of DEATH associated with it. I've 'kept my mouth shut' for long enough. For the first 3 years of our 4 year relationship I never mentioned his weight, until our daughter was born and he still didn't change his habits. I cried to him because I was scared of the very real possibility of him not seeing our daughter grow up. You have no idea what the stress of this situation feels like. I have lived, every day, with the fear that something will happen to him. And, because he refuses to go to a doctor, we won't know about it. So how will we find out? Will he suddenly drop dead one day and leave DD and I behind? One of his legs is so severely swollen with edema (indicative of heart, kidney or liver problems I might add) that he bleeds water from it. Tell me if that's safe. I don't mean to be a b*itch here, but I love my fiance, and this stress has caused me unspeakable pain for the last 4 years. It is one of the most difficult things in the world to have to love somebody enough for both of you.<br><br><br>
To everyone else: Thank you for your supportive replies, I will see if he is actually willing to try counseling.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RaelynsMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15418464"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">EFmom - Your comment was particularly hurtful to me. I love my fiance very much....I try to be extra careful and sensitive around this issue with him. When we first got together, he was losing vast amounts of weight. When I got pregnant about a year later, all of the weight started to come back on, and then some. He is classified as morbidly obese right now with a BMI of over 40. Do you think that's healthy? I'll tell you - no.</div>
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I've 'kept my mouth shut' for long enough. For the first 3 years of our 4 year relationship I never mentioned his weight, until our daughter was born and he still didn't change his habits.</td>
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I don't mean to be a b*itch here, but I love my fiance, and this stress has caused me unspeakable pain for the last 4 years.</td>
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I pretty much agree with EFmom. It is not being "extra careful and sensitive" to offer him sex for exercise. To try to change what he eats. Etc. Every time you do that, you are criticizing him for what he looks like. You seem to think that because you "put up" with it this long, that you should be allowed to bring down the hammer and say "enough is enough" to get him to lose weight. It doesn't work like that. He has to decide whether or not to do that for himself. If you decide to stay with him, you need to accept him for who he is. Now if you don't want to be married to a 300 pound dude, more power to you. Leave.<br><br>
You are also conflating size and health, which are not always directly correlated. I agree that the edema leg sounds like a health problem that he should get looked at. But simply being grossly fat is not a health problem. You can't look at a skinny person and a large person and necessarily say that the skinny person is healthier.<br><br>
Your thread rubs me the wrong way as a guy who used to weigh 265 pounds. You probably have no idea what it's like to be fat. And I can't imagine what it's like to be that fat and not be supported at home. My wife, who was also fairly large for awhile, was supportive of me, both at 265 and 205. Strangely enough, that didn't include exercise-for-sex deals.
 

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Plunky and EFMom are right about the weight issue. It may or may not be under his control (for 95% of people, remember, it isn't under their control), but it certainly is not under your control. Either you can't live with it attraction-wise and should leave-- which is OK, you know, no one is attracted to every single body type-- or you can learn to live with it and let it go. Weight aside, his eating and exercise habits are his body, his choice.<br><br>
Everyone else who mentioned counseling is right about that as well.
 

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You won't get an argument from me that ideally, people should eat healthily, be active, and try to stay at least within the overweight range of the BMI.<br><br>
But when you make this into a marital issue as if death is on the horizon you're not doing your relationship a favour here. Everyone has risk factors for disease and death. Some of us have strong genetic histories. Some of us engage in risky behaviour -- motorcycle riding, even getting behind the wheel of a car. Being stressed out all the time wondering if people will die is not good for your adrenal system.<br><br>
When you hyperfocus on weight as if it's the sole barometer of your partner's attitude towards life and health and everything, you're stepping into dangerous territory emotionally. It's simply unfair to him and unhealthy for you and your relationship.<br><br>
I agree with a PP - if you cannot live with it, end the relationship, no harm no foul. I think it's also okay to bring it up with him about once a month in a calm and loving fashion. Other than that, it's his struggle. He may be sick or die early from it. He may get hit by a bus tomorrow. Believe it or not, you too probably do something that will be proven to be unhealthy soon. Are you guys in it for sickness and for health or not? Because in a whole lifetime, everyone will make a bad health decision at some point - guaranteed.<br><br>
For the miscarriage - everyone's journey is different. I have had several early miscarriages, and my husband hasn't grieved any but the first. I'm a talker too and we have found a way to meet in the middle without anyone blaming the other for their needs (mine=talk, his=quiet <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">). His not understanding is in my opinion yes, a reason.<br><br>
Maybe he could have gone further in trying to understand but you seem to be very, very unforgiving - months later which makes it hard to fix. In my marriage we call that "blacklisting" - keeping a list of sins on the other person. It is pretty much not fair to journal in private about something, decide that unresolved anger is the root of all kinds of issues, and then hate your partner for something he hasn't been involved in since the original issue. It is fair to share your exploration with the understanding that no one can rewrite history.<br><br><br>
I do think he was a bit of a jerk about your birthday but I also know that if someone forewarned me over and over that they would be miserable on a particular day I might snap about it. Which is not good I agree. I would suggest that for future anniversaries rather than just warning, you come up with a plan TOGETHER for how you will honour those feelings.<br><br>
The thing is, maybe this isn't the right relationship and maybe it is. But if you want it to thrive you will have to learn not to treat all his myriad quirks and habits (good and bad) as THE impediment to a good relationship. You will have to remember that you have them too. A good relationship is not about two people being perfect together, it's about two people being imperfect together.<br><br>
I think the best thing for you is to get yourself into individual counselling to figure out if these really, really are dealbreakers and if so how to get out of your relationship, or that they're not and how to handle them in a respectful, loving way.
 

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I agree that his weight and his body are his business, and his weight is not an affront to you. I would be very, very hurt to have a partner try to force me to lose weight by witholding sex unless I followed their orders.<br><br>
As far as the talking -- it sounds like you need to process your negative feelings by talking about them repeatedly, and covering the same ground. And it sounds like he finds that stressful and threatening, because it's things he can't help with or change for you, so he eventually shuts down and you feel rejected. Neither of you is wrong, but it would probably help your relationship if you found another outlet for that need to process -- either a good friend or a therapist.<br><br>
It sounds like you really need to decide whether you want to be with him (in which case you need to find ways to deal with your issues as a couple) or whether you simply don't want to be with this man because even though you like some things about him, there are too many dealbreakers for you. To me, it sounds like you want to leave but the logistics are daunting so you are hoping to find a way to stay ... you just seem very unhappy in your relationship.
 

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I do not withhold sex from him. It was actually a deal that HE came up with. Sex was and still is a regular option pretty much at his disposal. He, before the distance came between us, would regularly come to me with ideas such as, what do you think of me being a vegetarian? Or maybe I'll start walking the dog daily. None of these ideas or actions were forced by me. I would gently encourage him saying things, like, Okay hon, if you want to try that, I'll support you. What information would you like from me about being a vegetarian? or, That's a great idea, I think the dog will really benefit from that.<br><br>
I think the majority of you are jumping to conclusions. I'm extremely supportive of him, and just because I made an issue of not liking his weight here, where I was detailing a private issue that I was dealing with in my relationship, doesn't mean that I make an issue out of it in every day life. Rarely, if ever, do I discuss this with him. I make every effort to accept him. Just because I'm not crazy about the fact that he is overweight doesn't mean I don't try to accept him. If you don't believe that, that's fine. While I do try to help him to be healthy, I mostly leave it to him as his body and his choice. If my original post does not sound that way - then I apologize. Mark it up to stressed out rantings. There are many issues in my relationship, many that have nothing to do with his weight.<br><br>
I think you're focusing too much on one part of my post. A big part of our issue is the lack of communication, and the extremely poor communication when it happens. How about any advice around that? Or how could I help him to be more emotionally supportive? Or, what can I for us to connect emotionally? These are issues that are far more important than his weight.<br><br>
I'm very confused right now, but if I wanted to just leave him, I wouldn't be here trying to save this relationship.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RaelynsMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15422405"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">A big part of our issue is the lack of communication, and the extremely poor communication when it happens. How about any advice around that? Or how could I help him to be more emotionally supportive? Or, what can I for us to connect emotionally? These are issues that are far more important than his weight.</div>
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My DH and I suffered from this same problem for the first few years of our marriage. I'm VERY much a talker. I have to talk things to death, exploring a situation from every angle, get many opinions etc., and then talk about it some more, before I can truly put it to rest. DH, on the other hand, needs time for quiet contemplation, NO TALKING, in order to deal with issues.<br><br>
As an example, my aunt (who was very close to both of us) passed away a year after we were married. We were both devastated. DH, to his credit, was very supportive (although he hadn't always been in other situations). He listened, let me rant and rave etc. Finally, after about 2 months of this, he just looked at me and said "I need to stop talking about this for awhile. I was close to her too and I need to deal with her death." I was a little taken aback, because I figured all the talking was helping him too, but it wasn't. He couldn't really start to process everything until he had that quiet time.<br><br>
That was the first time I really started to see the differences in us. Of course it was quite awhile after that that I really accepted them, but I never forgot that moment, and his request for silence. Eventually, once I learned to really accept our differences, it was easier to move forward. I wasn't constantly feeling hurt that he didn't always want to listen, and I stopped worrying that maybe he wasn't dealing with stuff because he didn't want to talk about it.<br><br>
If I'm reading your post correctly, your fiance sounds a lot like my dh, and you sound a lot like me. If I had a miscarriage, my dh would not want to talk about it, while I would still be talking about it a year later.<br><br>
My point in saying all of this is to let you know that it definitely IS possible to bridge the gap between two such different personalities. The first step is for both people to truly accept the other person's way of dealing. For DH and me, DH needed to accept that I absolutely need to talk things out, and I'm not simply having a hard time letting go or bringing up past hurts out of spite or whatever. At the same time, I needed to accept that DH just needs time to "be" in order to move on, regardless of whether we're dealing with a death in the family, financial problems, or just a stupid fight.<br><br>
Once we both learned to accept, and more importantly respect, each others differences, things got easier. We were able to give the other person what they needed a little better because we both felt like the other understood our needs too. Our solution when a problem comes up is to initially talk about it as much as DH can tolerate. Then, when he's had enough, we set the issue aside with the understanding that we will have to come back to it eventually in order for me to move on. It can be slow going since we sometimes have to put issues aside and come back to them several times. As long as we're both conscious of what the other one needs, and we both feel like we're being understood, it works out well. DH doesn't feel like he's pressured into talking about something he'd rather not, and I don't feel ignored.<br><br>
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, and of course I could be completely wrong about you and your fiance, but if I'm right, my suggestion to you is to sit down and talk to your fiance when you're both feeling happy. Let him know that you understand that he can't always talk things out, and that it might even be a hindrance to him moving forward. Let him know that you want to respect him and his needs, but that you also have your own needs, and they have to be met as well. He needs to understand that you can give him space to deal sometimes, but he then needs to reciprocate and let you talk it out, even if he feels like it's being talked to death. Only you can decide when you've talked it out enough for YOU to move forward. Of course he also needs to know that he has the freedom to say "I need to put this aside for awhile." It needs to be a back and forth thing.<br><br>
Sorry this was so long. Hope it helps.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>junie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15424571"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My DH and I suffered from this same problem for the first few years of our marriage. I'm VERY much a talker. I have to talk things to death, exploring a situation from every angle, get many opinions etc., and then talk about it some more, before I can truly put it to rest. DH, on the other hand, needs time for quiet contemplation, NO TALKING, in order to deal with issues.</div>
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Junie, your post was HUGELY helpful. Thank you for letting me know it is possible to communicate even when two people communicate in such different ways. You sound very much like my fiance and I. I need to talk about it to process it, where as DH needs to think about it, and roll it over in his mind. I find that I can do this as well, but when I think about it, I think up new angles that I need to express through talking or through writing. I just need to have an outlet because there are so many things going on in my head that it's hard to see everything. He needs to think, and think, and think, which is difficult. For example, relating to my post, I wanted to take a dance class. I backed off because he was uncomfortable. I've asked him a couple of times since then about it and he's not done thinking about it. Or we can have an issue, and he'll over analyze it for 2 weeks after I thought we were done and then be upset about it, but might not speak about it, so it may come out in the middle of an argument in another 2 weeks.<br><br>
He claims I over talk things, hold on to things, etc. where as I'm just trying to process them, and I think that he overthinks things although he may not over talk, or talk about them at all. I know that's his way of processing thigns, but it's difficult for us to meet in the middle and try to accept each other's communication differences. Thank you for sharing your success story with this.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RaelynsMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426540"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I need to talk about it to process it, where as DH needs to think about it, and roll it over in his mind. I find that I can do this as well, but when I think about it, I think up new angles that I need to express through talking or through writing.</div>
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This quote made me think of a description I once gave to DH of our differences when we were trying to figure out how to better communicate. I told him that he seems to need to talk to solve a problem, whereas I need to talk to LOOK for a problem. Meaning, he views talking as a way of getting things settled, and once things have been said then that's it, we're done. I, on the other hand, use talking as a way to make sure I haven't missed something important that needs to be dealt with. I go over the same thing again and again (something he finds repetitive and unnecessary) in an attempt to leave no stone unturned, so to speak. I need to do this because I hate hate hate the thought of being caught off guard by something I hadn't thought of. I know we can never prevent this entirely, but the more I talk things through, the better prepared I can be for whatever comes my way. KWIM?
 

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I think it has been very helpful for my sanity and for my marriage to accept that my husband will not be "there" emotionally in the way that I wanted and thought I needed.<br><br>
When I had a miscarriage, similar to you, my husband just went to work. His coworkers finally sent him to the hospital to be with me. He just didn't know how to handle it.<br><br>
My husband is supportive in non-emotional ways. He gives me concrete support such as: making me coffee, giving me space, giving me a backrub, doing a favor for me. That's what he gives me. And in the end of the day, I've realized, that's enough.<br><br>
A wise woman I know said "Oh, no, it's your women friends that you get your emotional support and intimacy from. Not your husband!"<br><br>
I had heard similar things for years but was outraged that I wouldn't be getting emotional support from my own husband. But gradually, over the course of perhaps 3-4 years, I've come to appreciate what my wise friend said.<br><br>
And I've seen how deeply supported my female friends can make me feel. It's different because it's not on a daily basis w/the person you live with. It's more scattered over phone calls, hurried get-togethers between the kids' needs, or the odd night out. But in cumulate, it does add up to enough.<br><br>
I feel like perhaps you, like I did for a long time, are being too demanding on your husband in terms of what he gives you emotionally and supportively.<br><br>
As for the weight issue, I guess I would say -- if it feels like he is slowly destroying himself and his body, I wouldn't want to be part of that either. I guess I would say the same thing about someone who choses to smoke. It's their choice and I know it is hard to quit -- but I wouldn't want to build a future w/someone who isnt' taking care of something as basic as that.<br><br>
You sound like you have a lot of anger and unhappiness in this relationship. He sounds like he's a good guy, but not necessarily for you. Remember, he will always be family, always be blood. You can have a wonderful relationship as parents to your child. You don't have to be married.<br><br>
Liz
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Subhuti</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15429234"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
My husband is supportive in non-emotional ways. He gives me concrete support such as: making me coffee, giving me space, giving me a backrub, doing a favor for me. That's what he gives me. And in the end of the day, I've realized, that's enough.<br><br>
.....<br><br>
I feel like perhaps you, like I did for a long time, are being too demanding on your husband in terms of what he gives you emotionally and supportively.<br><br>
As for the weight issue, I guess I would say -- if it feels like he is slowly destroying himself and his body, I wouldn't want to be part of that either. I guess I would say the same thing about someone who choses to smoke. It's their choice and I know it is hard to quit -- but I wouldn't want to build a future w/someone who isnt' taking care of something as basic as that.<br><br>
You sound like you have a lot of anger and unhappiness in this relationship. He sounds like he's a good guy, but not necessarily for you. Remember, he will always be family, always be blood. You can have a wonderful relationship as parents to your child. You don't have to be married.<br><br>
Liz</div>
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Liz, thank you for your reply. I'm sorry about your miscarriage. Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Instead of talking things out with me, he'll mow the lawn or bring home a paycheck, and that's how he shows me he loves me. I'm trying to work on accepting this. Your description of how you feel about his health fits my feelings perfectly. Thank you for describing it so wonderfully. The last paragraph is really great as well. He's a great guy, but not necessarily for me. I am trying to work on if this is where I want to be forever. Your reply was thoughtful, well written and very helpful. Thank you for responding.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>junie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428102"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I go over the same thing again and again (something he finds repetitive and unnecessary) in an attempt to leave no stone unturned, so to speak. I need to do this because I hate hate hate the thought of being caught off guard by something I hadn't thought of. I know we can never prevent this entirely, but the more I talk things through, the better prepared I can be for whatever comes my way. KWIM?</div>
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I get what you're saying, but for me, I just need to talk it out because I feel like I have to have my point understood. If I don't feel like I haven't successfully gotten my point across and he doesn't understand me, it's hard for me to shut it off. He doesn't have to agree with me, but just acknowledge what I'm saying and respect where I'm coming from. OR... I may have so much going on in my head that talking actually clarifies things for me. By getting some of it out, I can organize my thoughts better, so this post has been very helpful for me. Thank you for your response again, I appreciate it very much!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>junie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428102"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This quote made me think of a description I once gave to DH of our differences when we were trying to figure out how to better communicate. I told him that he seems to need to talk to solve a problem, whereas I need to talk to LOOK for a problem. Meaning, he views talking as a way of getting things settled, and once things have been said then that's it, we're done. I, on the other hand, use talking as a way to make sure I haven't missed something important that needs to be dealt with. I go over the same thing again and again (something he finds repetitive and unnecessary) in an attempt to leave no stone unturned, so to speak. I need to do this because I hate hate hate the thought of being caught off guard by something I hadn't thought of. I know we can never prevent this entirely, but the more I talk things through, the better prepared I can be for whatever comes my way. KWIM?</div>
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I'm like this, too, that talking about things helps me figure things out and what I say during this process isn't necessarily my final conclusion or resolution, but just something said during the process.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RaelynsMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15432145"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I get what you're saying, but for me, I just need to talk it out because I feel like I have to have my point understood. If I don't feel like I haven't successfully gotten my point across and he doesn't understand me, it's hard for me to shut it off. He doesn't have to agree with me, but just acknowledge what I'm saying and respect where I'm coming from.</div>
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And this, too, is <i>a need for validation</i>. Even if someone doesn't agree with you, you want to know they 'hear' you and 'feel' you and are truly listening and trying to understand.
 

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Purity Lake, that makes sense. I've never thought of it as a need for validation, but it sounds about right. If we were to pursue counseling, maybe this is something I could address.
 
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