[lilgreen]

I am beside myself with the grief of it all. I can't stop crying. I didn't think it was going to be so hard.

I am 5 weeks pregnant and on Thursday I ran a super high fever and started antibiotics for a kidney infection, but I could still nurse. Then, Friday night I was admitted to hospital and given a potent antibiotic intravenously (bc I am pregnant) that wasn't safe to nurse. I came home today, but I still can't nurse him and won't be able to for days. DH (especially DH) and I have decided this is it.

It was so hard on ds and dh while I was in the hospital this weekend. DS had never fallen asleep without nursing except naptime at daycare. He has always woken about three times throughout the night to nurse. Dh and ds got very little sleep. So,needless to say, DH was helpless and really wants to take advantage of this forced nursing break to end our nursing relationship. I was planning to start weaning him after christmas anyways, so I suppose we might as well take advantage of this situation.

We've told him that he can't have mama's milk because I'm taking medicine that makes my milk bad and it would make him very sick.

But tonight at bedtime I thought I would die. At first before we turned out the light he asked if he could just see my breast, then he asked if he could touch it. I let him. He seemed ok. But then.... ds sobbed about how he wanted milk. He even tried to bite through my shirts where my nipple is. It was soooooo soooooo sad! I just wanted to give him milk! I felt like I was betraying him, like I was breaking the bond we'd built over the past three years. he wouldn't let me cuddle or sing or rub his back. He just sat there and screamed and sobbed.

Finally, he asked me to carry him. So I picked him up and carried him in my arms whispering that I love him more than ever and that I'll always be here until he was asleep. Then I lied down with him and snuggled for a while.

I came downstairs afterwards crying and dh was so insensitive. He told me to get a grip and that I was way over-reacting. "he's gotta learn to deal with it," dh said. I tried to explain that wasn't the point, that the point was that a relationship that ds and I had shared so intimately for three years had suddenly ended and it made me very sad. He just didn't get it and stormed off, annoyed.

So, I decided to post here, because if anyone is going to understand my sadness, I know you will.

I think I also need some reassurance that this cold turkey weaning isn't going to damage the trust and confidence nursing has built in him. OR is it? Is this going to damage our relationship (ds and I)?

Can you offer advice on how to make this a smoother transition for us both.

I just always thought it would be a gradual for us and it would be something that just happened almost seemlessly. I just wish I had know it would was going to be the last time on Friday night. I would have stayed longer and made sure I remembered every feeling and every way he touched me. It's hard coping with this harsh reality.

Nursing has been truly a beautiful experience for both of us and I miss every second of it.

Take good care,
lilgreen

 

[Mama K]

No advice, just big

s for you...

 

[Galatea]

Oh, Beth, I am so sorry that you have to do this. I don't have any advice but I want to give you hugs because you sound so sad.

 

[bonbon mama]

Maybe you should reconsider? Just a thought, but I thought babies in utero were more affected for drugs than nursers. Also, your son is probably not nursing that much anyways. His body is big...he can metabolize more of anything than a newborn nurser would... And one final thing, if you know the name of the medicine and dose, call LLL in your area and have them get out that big reference book on mothers' milk and medications. They can find out if it is safe. I would think that you've already metabolized whatever you were given Friday or Saturday.

 

[lovetomom]

lilgreen,
oh my, i am so sad for you and your boy. i can only imagine how much you have worked to develop the beautiful relationship that you have and how sad you must be that the nursing part of it cannot continue. i am sorry. i bet though- that at a less vulnerable time (like during the day as opposed to bedtime) your son will talk to you about it and understand. he will be okay, he really will and your relationship in new wonderful ways will continue to grow.
as for your husband, if he's anything like mine, he secretly resents the intimacy you share with your child and is letting off some built up steam. i hope he begins to empathize with you soon.
take care of yourself.
lovetomom xo

 

[callmemama]

I second the motion to call LLL or an LC at a Children's Hospital that might have access to Hale's. I think he has a website too and some drugs are listed at kellymom.com. If the baby in utero is ok with the drugs, chances are a 3yo will be too. Gentle weanings are so much less harsh, but then if you're planning to wean anyway, I don't know. I'm soooo sorry your dh is being so insensitive to the needs of you and your ds. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[stafl]

I would also have someone look up the medication in Hale's book. It also seems to me that if it is safe for your unborn baby, it probably would not harm your three year old to nurse at least just at bedtime.

it's your decision to make, ultimitely, but if it's breaking your heart I think I would reconsider weaning altogether for a more gentle, gradual approach.

 

[Meiri]

What was the antibiotic?

Would they give this to a child with the same illness?

I had an ER staff pull that crap on me when DD was about 7 months old. Turns out the med in question is standard treatment for mastitis, with mom continuing to nurse baby. You have to watch out for signs of allergy, but that goes along with a child getting an antibiotic directly too--yet you surely don't see them being withheld for that reason--as they wanted me to withhold nursing from DD for 10 days for fear of allergic reaction.

Add my voice to those suggesting you find a look up from Hale's, or you can go to his website http://neonatal.ttuhsc.edu/lact and see if it's been asked about there. If it turns out he cannot be allowed to nurse, then you've lost nothing. If it turns out you were given false information, you can make an INFORMED decision either way.

 

[~Megan~]

I haven't been there but I can imagine. I know it would break my daughter's heart.

Your husband sounds really insensitive but perhaps it was simply frustration with the situation since he can't do anything to help (or maybe lack of sleep).

But your son will get over it and be okay. Just remember to give him lots of snuggles whenever you can to make up for the time you aren't spending nursing.

 

[Simply Nurtured]

ligreen,

I know that everything will work out no matter what, but can I give you just my thoughts before you totally decide this is "it".

My first two weaned themselves. With my third, at 27 months, we had to do exactly what you did, cut it off. I was very sick, with what later was determined to be a virus that causes lots of problems. (especially for an unborn baby, but thankfully, I was not pg) For me, it make me so weak I could not move, I had weird neurological symptoms and burning and tingling in my head. Drs. could not figure it out, we did not know what it was, but we just could not take the chance. For the first two nights, it was awful. My DH and oldest son held him as he screamed in another room. My heart was broken. I cried and cried. Then the third night, he slept with me, he wanted to be near my breasts too. It was so sad... I was engorged for a few days. I hated it. Then my breasts shrunk to 2 sizes smaller. I felt so strange about that. Then I got much sicker, to the point I was bedridden for 3 weeks. Finally, a neurologist figured it out, but nothing could be done, my body had to fight it out. It attacks your immune system too. So I was not to be around people outside of our own family as I recovered. The neurologist told me that it was a good thing that I weaned, more so for myself, there was a chance he could catch it, but that breastfeeding would take more out of me, I needed to recover. This happened 4 years ago, we all came out of it ok. We did not have any support, we were far from family too. I wish that I had done something different, anything, pumped a little for a while, then went back to BFing when I was better. I have always regretted it. I know that we did what we had to do, this virus is life-threatening, but...

As a doula, I support mamas/families decisions, so I would never tell you what to choose to do, I just wanted you to possibly think about other options, like keeping your milk going until you get better, then letting your child wean himself at some point.

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[joesmom]

Call your LLLLeader, make a decision that is right for YOU and your SON. Your dh sounds a little jealous & resentful, & I would hate if his opinion swayed you to force an unnecessary weaning. You would then be resentful of him & it could damage your marriage.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[OTMomma]

I know exactly what you are going through. I'm dealing with a similar situation right now. My dd is 28 months and I have been dealing with a number of heal issues since around her second birthday. As a result I have had to push weaning much harder than dd was ready for (though I did get to be a little more gradual than you did) and then last week I had to have surgery. At that point we also cut it off cold turkey, I had to have a lot of medication that were not good during nursing and I still feel too crappy to make milk. I just don't have the reserves. But my dd is taking it very hard. I have tried talking about how it is great that she is a big girl and I even considered having a cake to make it a celebration that she is weaned.

I bet your dh feels like mine and my mom do, they both think dd will sleep "better" weaned. My child hasn't. She still wakes during the night a week later asking for mama milk and wants to sleep with her head lying on my boob. It is the worst feeling to feel like the weaning process has been taken away from you and your child. I resent all the people in my life telling me how it is better for my child and me both to wean. I don't understand this.

About a month ago, I took 2 days off from nursing and then returned to it. I think if you want to return to nursing. Then that is what you should do. You can then do a more gradual weaning that won't feel so painful to you.

Personally, I'm off the medications I stopped nursing due to, but I still feel too ill to handle nursing. I wish I felt great and could do it, but I have to respect myself that I can only do what I can, and my dd needs a mom who is healthy more than she needs mama milk at this age.

I hope you can find peace with whatever you feel is right for you and your child. Weaning is sort of like giving birth again, your child is no longer connected to your body in that special way. Its both beautiful and hard.

 

[Simply Nurtured]

OTMomma,

I know that like me, you were posting to help lilgreen, but you have helped me too.

Just knowing that there is someone else who could understand. I was so sick and weak and sleeping so much of the time I was sick. I crawled to the bathroom. I could not eat for days. But there is part of me that still thinks I "should've" done something different.

One of the things I decided when I started on my doula path 2 and 1/2 years ago is that I would support mamas who could not breastfeed, because of health reason, or needing to take meds, or whatever. Sometimes, breastfeeding is not possible even though we all want it to be.

My child (6, now) still wants to lay on my boobie, too.

~Wanda

 

[kimmysue2]

How is the medication okay for the baby inside of you but bad for your child to nurse from you?

I am so sorry. Some days my son ask to nur like a couple times a day and it makes me all sad thing that he is weaning but then he starts back up full force.

 

[DaryLLL]

Please reconsider. Your dh is being so cold! No need to wean permanently and cold turkey over this. Yes, you are pg. Yes, your ds might wean himself in the next few months as your supply dwindles anyway.

I am sorry your dh is being so heartless. I think this is his issue and you and your ds shouldn't have to break your hearts over it.

Seek Hales and LLL.

 

[merpk]

Agreeing with everyone else ... just a word of empathy/sympathy for your DH ... with my own experience in a similar situation (weaning, though not as abruptly & traumatically as yours) ...

DH was (is) so into extended nursing, and so proud of it all, but they can't help if they have this (societally ingrained) 'possessive' attitude about your breasts. Sorry, they're guys, and this is a major part of American guys. Or all guys. And I'm sorry if that's sexist in either direction. So while he may be proud and supportive of all the nursing going on in our house, he still feels left out in a way and pushed aside breastwise.

I know that sounds ridiculous and totally not worth empathizing with, but we love them ... even if they're acting ridiculous and in a way not worth empathizing with, right? So just trying to, well, empathize.

And your DH also just had a major stressor, between your illness and dealing with your DS's abrupt weaning ... remembering each time I went to deliver a baby and my DH had to deal with a toddler who'd never fallen asleep without me ... it was so so hard for him, also stressed about a new baby and going without any sleep because of a screaming-unable-to-sleep toddler ... oy.

If there's a way for you to get back to nursing while sending some extra love your DH's way, I'd suggest going for it.

 

[DaryLLL]

Many (most?) dhs will feel pushed out of the way when mom has a baby. Breastfeeding or not. Blaming the breast jealousy is just one more symptom of our anti-woman's power, anti-bfing culture.

Your baby has a right to bf for as long as he wants. The longer he bfs the healthier he will be. If he is fulfilled at the breast now, he may not have as strong an infantile unhealthy fixation on large breasts that so many grown men in our culture do.

Your dh's jealousy or a disconnect in the relationship between you and your dh should be worked out between you and within your own psyches, not played out on your son's right to be nurtured and his tender feelings.

That said, it can be extremely hard to work out that jealousy issue. My dh was in favor of bfing for as long as each child wished, but he often felt like low man on the totem pole, as he put it. Just as far as child care and my ability to nurture them and him, time-and-energy-wise. These feelings came from abandonment issues he had from his own childhood, which he is still working on now, years after any child has bfed. Premature weaning would not have healed dh's emotional hurts. If you wean "for him" and come to resent him, this could hurt your relationship, not help it.

 

[Teensy]

Does your DS have a grandparent he could spend a few days with? That's how I survived having to cold-turkey wean my DS #2 (also due to medical problems). He was so busy being spoiled by them, he didn't miss BFing. But if I was present, he'd get so mad at me. Very frustrating. Or maybe you could leave the house before his bedtime and let Dad handle bedtime (perhaps establishing new comforting routines for your son) while you visit with a friend or neighbor.

Good luck. I know this is very frustrating for you.

 

[TiredX2]

Nursing is a two way relationship and if one person is unhappy with it, *that* can be enough reason to end that relationship. Honestly, if you planned on weaning DS after Christmas anyways (so in 2-3 weeks) I think, in some ways, it would be much harder on him to allow him to go back to nursing now and then take it away again.

If you mean you were going to innitiate a long drawn out weaning, that is another matter all together.

I hope you can get some good information. I do know that there are drugs okay in pg that are not okay during lactation and vice versa, but I would go ahead and look for additional information. If you post the name of the med there is a good chance someone here could find info on it. Since you are pg, is he getting much, if any milk, anyway? If not, that should definately be figured into the equation (there are drugs that may not be the best--- unadvisable w/a newborn that most doctors are comfortable w/for an older, less nursing, child).

Good luck!

 

[loving-my-babies]

mama, I'm so sorry you are going through this. BUt why does it have to be it, if you don't want it to be?