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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i thought i may want to post this annonomously...sp...lol
but,
i feel that many of you here are like family to me............

sometimes i get so sad b/c my ds has never met his real father...
he is lebanese...
i was very much in love with him... but he was few years younger
his family is well known around here...VERY wealthy...
own a million dollar business & he works there...
we met one day when he was delievering to the healthfood store i worked at...
i nearly fell over...
totally love at first site
he gave me his phone number on a little piece of paper...which i still have
we dated, we partyed, hey we had a lot of fun, 4 of his cousins were killed in a car accident the first night we went out...they were killed right off the same street i was living on...i sent a $60 beautiful floral arrangement to his family...
anyhow...
i used to sleep over at his house... his parents were there & they didn't care...
his mom once said something to him in arabic
i asked him ... he said she said... how old is she? b/c ... i am older...btw
i mean...
i'd get my hair done beautifully in up do's ...i was like so in love!
you don't even know...
the first night we slept together in the morning i woke up to him saying...
i drempt you had my baby!
he also explained to me many times that he wanted to marry an american girl and he didn't want to have an arranged marriage like his brother...
so...
down the road i find out i am pregnant...
he is very happy... says he'll buy a house...says he has $200,000 in the bank...
i go to visit his brother & his arranged marriage SIL and she also just found out she was pregnant....19 years old....
then a few days later things started to get strange...
all he talked about was me getting an abortion........
he wasn't going to see me anymore unless i got an abortion and then we could work on our relationship!
so i didnt even call him or talk to him for 5 months b/c of all that bologna!
i am assuming it is a cultural thing...
i talked to a priest at the orthodox church they belonged to...
he said in lebanese culture this was not a good thing...
why would his mom be nice to me though before i was pregnant & she knew i'd sleep in her house...???
so,
around 6 months when i started showing i patronized there business a lot for hummus, falafel sandwhiches, feta, ect...i'd go there a couple times a week to be like hey ***holes I am pregnant! i'd give him bills for my homebirth midwife...i'd show his SIL whio was pregnant & it made me so sad b/c she was accepted b/c she was lebanese & i wasn't b/c to them i am white... even though i am italian...i'd show her the ultrasound pics...ect...
the one day my grandmother went in there and yelled at his mom and said i was pregnant ... did they want to know when the baby was born & made a big scene... saying all this stuff...
the last time i went in there i was 9 months pregnant...with my husbund not the father but another idiot...
should have known he was a weirdo for marrying someonne who was 9 months pregnant & he knew the baby isn't his............
anyhow...
i never went after the father for child support...
never called
never took the baby to see the family or him
sometimes i get sad when i look at the baby who is almost 1 year and think will he never know his family b/c i am white ?
and he looks o much like his dad...

what should i do?
 

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So you're married to a different man now or is that over?

As far as what to do, that's hard. I'd consider pursuing child support but then again you don't really want to risk him having legal ties to your baby in case he'd do something like try to seek custody or take the baby back to Lebanon, I've heard of things like that happening. I guess I'd probably just let sleeping dogs lie unless you really need money. You can't really force him to want a relationship.

I'm so sorry.
 

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Oh, I'm so sorry. It is really sad.
I have no idea what you should do but I think at the very least your babies father should be paying child support.

Edited because Jenny raised a very good point do you think he or his family might try to get custody or anything crazy like that?
 

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That must be very difficult, i hear your sadness. I honestly think though that your dissappointment and your hurt does not have to be his.(your ds)
I think there is nothing you can "do". You raise your son. In time the understanding will be more clear and that's when he will want to know more. But now, there is nothing to really do.

Pick up your chin, mama. Lift the corners of your mouth. Stand tall. Open your heart for your son and maybe THAT is all
 

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I think this man has made it clear that he doesn't want to be involved in your life or your child's life. It's OK to grieve for what you hoped you had, and mourn the loss of "what might have been," but recognize that it's over.

Your son WILL know his family- you and whichever relatives and friends are a part of your life. His biological father won't be a part of that, but that doesn't mean that he's missing out on anything.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by snailmama
yes,
as many of you know i married a complete moran when i was 9 months pregnant...........
i'd say it's over...
:
Oops, sorry. I didn't really know, I've seen you posting lately but not really before that, MDC is so big it's easy to not know people, you know the ones without 10,000 posts.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
so,
ya'll think i should just forget about it...
what if he wants to know who is father is one day?
what if i run into his father one day...he's only 10 miles from here...
i am surprised we haven't run into eachother already..............
should i send a picture from out of town? i have thought sbout that...
i know quite a few people who know him...
my old boss said he saw him and told him he has a beautiful son & why doesn't he want anyhting to do with him???
this syrian lady i used to work with says i should go to his family business...
and many other people say i should extort him for $ ...
they say Lebanese familes will just pay you off... i don't know if this is true...
either way...
it's all just something that bothers me...........
my son was destined to be born...
he is a beautiful child
you can see his father's little mischevios smile ...

i also remember that his family had all these ancient egyptian statues in their house and i was always fond of ancient egypt...
and everytime i go anywhere for middle eastern food in a 100 mile radius...
i see that PITA on my plate and I get sooooooooooooooooo sad!-knowing that it came from his business.
My grandmother said there was an article in the paper last summer about the business and how "family oriented" they were...
 

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sorry to say mama, it sounds over

have you considered talking to a sheikh about it(i think you mentioned in another post you are muslim right? if not, sorry..wrong person)

also, i wouldn't worry about family customs and traditions..but rather just get him for child support, i know that sounds horrible..but he needs to support his child, kwim?

and what are the chances of him getting custody of him? i would think you have a much better chance.jmo

GOOD LUCK & HUGS
 

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I am so sorry for your sad situation.


I think that you should keep the father in your sons life as best you can. That is, send pictures, a letter now and then on how the baby is doing, and that is it. Just keep that door open so that he knows that he can be in your lives if he ever chooses to do so. That way, when the day comes that your son asks about his daddy, he will know that you did your best, and no one can ever say that you "kept" him from his dad.

Good luck to you.
 

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If it were me, and I didn't think we could work it out and be together as a family... I would walk away.
The reason is, I have seen too many cases like my SIL-- the dad wants *nothing* to do with the child, mom sues for support, which spurs dad to counter-sue for visitation, which causes mom intense pain to turn her child over to basicly a stranger for long periods of time...


In the cases I know of, nothing good has come of the dad/child relationship because it was the type of dad that didn't care in the first place, just wanted to 'get something back,' yk?

(It would be totally different if the dad was a loving, healthy, caring, involved person all along.)
 

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Speaking as someone who's father was out of the picture from day 1, I definitely think you should keep the door open. Tell your child the truth (age appropriate for the details) about his father. But do not feel guilty if the father chooses to stay out of his life, you have done all you can. He knows his baby is out there. The child support is up to you, but definitely do not try to hide the truth from the child or keep the father away if he decides to be a part of the child's life, unless of course you think he would pose some danger to the child. That is a no brainer of course.

Just to let you know where I'm coming from, I'll give you some details about my experience. My father denied that he was the father when my mother told him she was pregnant. Totally did not want to take responsibility. She was only 19. SHe never got child support from him, because she didn't want him in our lives. Luckily, when I was still an infant (around 7 months old) she married my dad who adopted me. So I always had a father figure in my life, which I am grateful for. When I was 5 years old she told me that he was not my bio dad, but that he had adopted me. I didn't ask to many questions at that point. Later I asked her more and she told me his name and showed me a picture. I still have never met him or talked to him. She said that he had come around and tried to see me when I was around 3 years old, but she told him to stay away because I already had a father and she thought it would confuse me. That may have been the right decision at the time, I'm not sure. But I still feel a bit resentful about it, because it doesn't seem like it was her decision to make. I later found out that I have several half siblings and met one of them, but have never really gotten to know any of them. I feel a great sense of loss about that and I was angry for a long time and still am to some degree that she never told me about them or allowed me to have a relationship with them. She talked about it like it was no big deal, but to me, it was. I don't care a thing about getting to know my bio dad, but I would have liked to have known my siblings. I remember one of my classmates in high school approached me and told me that she believed her half brother was also my half brother (my bio dad had married her mom at one point). It was huge news to me and I almost cried when she showed me his picture because he looked so much like me. I came home and told my mom thinking it would be news to her because surely if she had known she would have told me. She already knew and didn't think it was a big deal.

So anyway, that was probably more info than you needed, but I just wanted you to understand how it feels to have something like that kept from you, so you'll take that in consideration. Of course, this all goes out the window if you have fears that the father or his family might cause some kind of harm to your child.
 

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Hugs to you in this tough situation.

You said that you went to the church they belong to and that they have a lot of Egyptian art - are they Eastern Orthodox or Coptic? If you really want to pursue this guy, I'd go back to the church and talk to the priest about getting all of you together. It may just be that the guy was kinda freaked about becoming a father so soon after the relationship started. He may really want to be part of your life. His religion might be a factor - have you done any research about what kinds of cultural pressure he may be getting from his family or church? Is it about money for the child or about him really being part of your life?

You also have to consider the fact that as of right now, Lebanon has military conscription (although they are planning to end that). If you get this guy in your life and he wants Lebanese citizenship for your ds, then you may be looking at sending your son off to Lebanon for military service in 18 years. If we had a ds instead of dd, we would have never gotten her Turkish citizenship. That's a major thing to think about.

I hope you find the answers you're looking for and that this man is part of your life if you really want it. Good luck!!
 

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I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Question-Did he specifically say to you "I do NOT want a relationship with my child, you can have him and I am willing to sign away all rights?"

I can sort of help you on the child support issue as I have a 13yr old Stepdaughter....

I'm not sure about the laws in your state, but where I am Child Support and Custody/Visitation issues are 2 separate entities. One has nothing to do with the other.

BUT, if you decide to put him on child support there are certain steps you need to take.

First-if you can afford it, consult/retain a an attorney with a specialization in family law, I DO know that in order to legally seek child support, if his name is NOT on the birth certificate the courts will asks for a Paternity Test (at your expense...I *think*) to establishe that he IS the father.

*Note-this is ONLY for Child Support, NOT Custody/Visitation rights. *This* would be his responsibilty (if he chooses to exercise it) so that ball would be in HIS court.

I'm wondering...is there any way you can ask him to meet you somewhere privately to quietly/calmly discuss his obligations to your child?

He doesn't have to have an *emotional* relationship with him, but he DOES have *Financial* obligations to him....he doesn't get excused from that.

Overall, my foremost advice??? Consult an Attorney to see what your options are...at least for the sake of your child.
 

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I agree that this isn't aboout what you should or shouldn't do. It is up to yoru ex to have a relationship with your child or not. All you can do is be open to him one day wanting such a relationship and be honest with your boy. I would say that that day sounds like a long way off at best. As you know, you can't make someoene love you and you can't make someone love their child. I think that is what you want. You want to be with him. But you simply have to let it go - it isn't going to happen.

The ONLY thing you have to consider is whether you want child support (not extortion or payouts). You are legally able to support from father (not his family). This child support will be based on your ex's money and his earnings, not his family's money or earnings. Erase his family from your mind. They may one day want a relationship with their grandchild etc, but they don't now.

If I was you, I'd not sue for child support just because I would be paranoid of a custody fight (if his family does have money, they could hire a really good custody lawyer if they decided to - and lawyers make a big difference). But that is most likely groundless paranoia. I guess I'd also not want to be entangled with someone who didn't want to be entangled with me. However, you and you son have a right to child support.

good luck. I'm sorry you've been through so much.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Faith
If it were me, and I didn't think we could work it out and be together as a family... I would walk away.
The reason is, I have seen too many cases like my SIL-- the dad wants *nothing* to do with the child, mom sues for support, which spurs dad to counter-sue for visitation, which causes mom intense pain to turn her child over to basicly a stranger for long periods of time...


In the cases I know of, nothing good has come of the dad/child relationship because it was the type of dad that didn't care in the first place, just wanted to 'get something back,' yk?

(It would be totally different if the dad was a loving, healthy, caring, involved person all along.)
I have a different experience with this. I think that the father can sometimes come around and be a good person after all, even if he wasn't at first. My BIL was not in his son's life for the first 3 years. But he did pay child support, almost from the beginning, and back support for the time when his life was a mess and he was not paying. He was in no shape to be a good father and was very scared. Even when he finally came around and knew he wanted to make contact, he was very scared to make contact with the mom. He finally did when he heard that his son was making up fantasy stories of spending time with a pretend dad.

He worked up from visiting with the mom there (for about a year) to visiting with me and dh there (we had always had contact with our nephew so he knew us well) to eventually overnights, and now has standard every other weekend visits and they have a good relationship. I think he missed out on the babyhood big time and they have struggled to bond but overall it turned out well.

But, the rest of our family saw our nephew when BIL did not. That is where this is different. Its troublesome that his entire family does not acknowledge the OP's son. But you never know what might happen. I think child support should be sought at the very least to start with. The father can later seek visitation if he has a change of heart whether there is child support being paid or not.
 

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I'm sorry this has happened. I can hear the sadness in your post


I think part of it IS cultural. My mom is Palestinian and my father is American. My mom was practically banished from her family for marrying a non-middle eastern. Her side of the family wanted nothing to do with my brother or me because we were "half-breeds". Anytime I'm around them, they intentionally speak Arabic because I cannot understand them, eventhough they all know English. It's gotten slightly better in the last couple of years, but there's still pain of the many years of not belonging to the family. They are practically strangers to me. My mom and dad, though, did an excellent job of shielding us from the worst of it and raising us without their help.

If your situation happened in my family, they would treat you the same way, unfortunately. I think definitely keep the door open and be honest with the little one, but don't expect anything from him. I would do my best to raise the child without his help, and using YOUR support system rather than his. {{HUGS}}
 
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