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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
...for my SIL. She and my BIL have been trying to start a family for 8 long years! She so wants to be a mommy. She was pregnant in 2003, with twins she found out, but lost both as one was ectopic. Long scary story that ended in her almost dying because they completely missed the ectopic....<br><br>
Anyhow, this year SIL was given the oppurtunity to adopt. A good friend of hers worked with a gal who found out she was pregnant at 5 months along. Her boyfriend tried to get her to go to Atlanta since they did late abortions, but it was too late for that. So she decided to go for adoption. Anyhow, they went throught a lawyer and everything so it was all legit for BIl and SIL to adopt this little girl.<br><br>
The baby was born yesterday, and the mom has changed her mind. She was totally wanting to give this baby up for adoption until her parents found out 3 weeks ago what was going on. She even told SIL last week that she was still going through with it though. But I suppose her mom probably convinced her to keep the baby. I can't blame a mom for wanting to keep her baby though....<br><br>
..but today I am so sad for my SIL. Sorry, I just had to talk about it. I'm totally bummed out for her. She had a closet full of cute girl clothes, and a crib and a changing table all ready for her. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying">
 

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that's awful. hugs for your SIL. i hope that everything works out best for the baby, and that you SIL gts another opportunity soon.
 

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That's heartbreaking. I hope she gets to be a Mommy eventually.
 

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There are so many sad stories like this; it just isn't right that someone can tease a couple who wants a child so badly with the promise of a baby, and then just snatch it away from them. Maybe birth mothers would change their minds less if it was harder to do so, like, if the adoptive parents could seek custody through court (and have a chance), or if the birth mother had to pay them damages for the emotional strain and financial adjustments (like lost work time, reimbursement for baby supplies, etc) they've made in anticipation of parenthood.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> that's sooo sad.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for your replies everyone.<br><br>
We're going over to see them tomorrow to give them big hugs and tell them how sorry we are, etc. We didn't hear the news from them today, but from MIL. We thought we'd let them be today, and just stop by to show our support tomorrow. I just want it to be in person, don't feel like over the phone is enough.<br><br>
RyvreWillow, you are right. It seems like it should be different. SIL did now from the beginning that the mom would have 48 hours to sign over her rights or change her mind once the baby was born. But it does seem like they should get re-imbursed somehow....they paid $12,000 in legal fees, plus the baby stuff. But emotionally the loss has still got to be the hardest part. My SIL has a friend that tried adopting three times, the first two times the birth mothers changed their minds when the babies were born, and she finally got a baby the third try adopting. That's crazy!
 

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I hope you guys don't mind me butting in since I"m not part of this due date club. I just happened across this thread yesterday, and it's been on my mind ever since.<br><br>
My heart goes out to your sil! We adopted our ds after 7 years of infertility and having had our adoption papers in for 2 years. I have never had a failed adoption, thankfully, but I have many friends who have, and it is truly heartbreaking. I think it is so wonderful that you care so much and recognize the depth of her loss. We call this an "adoption miscarriage" and I can imagine the emotions are a lot the same.<br><br>
However, I just can't keep from commenting on the folling:<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RyvreWillow</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">it just isn't right that someone can tease a couple who wants a child so badly with the promise of a baby, and then just snatch it away from them.</div>
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I think there are very few birthmothers who purposely would try to cause sorrow for an adoptive couple. There is just no way that a birthmother can know for sure that she will place her child for adoption until she has gone through the process of birthing the baby. She can make plans, she can make a preliminary decision, she can go forward as if she is going to do it. But we were always told that virtually every birthmother has to completely remake the decision to place once the baby is here. The birth process and the reality of having that baby in her arms changes everything. That is why no state will allow a birthmother to legally relinquish custody of her child before birth, or in some cases even immediately after birth. An adoption plan is just that, it is only a plan, not a binding contract. I think that is as it should be. Placing a baby for adoption is a monumental and life-altering decision. I would rather take the risk of being hurt myself then have a birthmother go forward with a choice that she might regret forever. It was extremely important to me to know that my ds's birthmom placed completely of her own free will and that she wasn't pressured by us or by anyone else. I believe this is the only way a birthparent could live with such a difficult decision. I would have never wanted her to place with us just to spare our feelings. It would have left me feeling incredible guilt for the rest of my ds's life.<br><br>
As heartbreaking as a failed adoption is, it is part of the risk of adopting. Every adoptive couple goes into it knowing that this risk is there. (Or at least they should! If they don't, they are living in a bubble.) I think the couple should be supported as much as possible in their loss, allowed to grieve just as if a child had died, etc. But it is hard for me to hear birthmothers being criticized and vilified for making a choice that is rightfully theirs to make.<br><br>
As far as the financials, I don't really know how I feel about that. We adopted through an agency, in part so we would have protection for things like that. If we'd had a failed adoption, we wouldn't have been out anything financially. In some ways, I can agree that it seems like the couple should be compensated for what they've spent. But in other ways, I still see that when the money was spent, there was no contract. There still is no way that a prospective birthparent could see into the future enough to know exactly how the situation would turn out, and adoptive parents have to be willing to accept that risk. So, I don't know.<br><br>
Worldshakerz, I hope your sil has a baby in her arms soon!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Laurel, thanks for your wonderful reply. It would be nice if they could get there money back, but I sure don't blame the birthmother for wanting to keep her baby. And they really did know the risk they were taking, that's for sure. I also hope she has a baby in he arms soon! I know with how long the road has been, she will be a wonderful and grateful mother when it finally happens.<br><br>
I talked to Kim on the phone today and she told me it happened at the very last minute. They were on their way to the hospital with the carseat and the take home outfit, having just got the call to come and the mom was to sign over the rights. On the way there, they got the call that she'd changed her mind! That is so hard. "Adoption miscarriage" is such an appropriate term. I can't wait until I see her, so I can give her a big hug.
 

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So sad! I hope they are able to have a family one day(whether that be adoption or whatever).<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Worldshakerz</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">They were on their way to the hospital with the carseat and the take home outfit, having just got the call to come and the mom was to sign over the rights. On the way there, they got the call that she'd changed her mind!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> Oh, I think that is the worst way to have it happen! Sometimes I wonder how dh and I got so lucky to have our adoption go through relatively uneventfully when others have had so much sorrow. My heart goes out to your sil!
 

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