[keki]

Things are not going very well at my house lately. My DP and I have not been getting along. We have a wonderful DS who is 20 months, whom I am deeply attached to. I am a SAHM and I love it. That's one of the problems. My DP want's me to go to work. The thought of leaving my DS to go to some stupid part-time job makes me literally sick to my stomach and makes me want to cry. My DP will not get a 9-5 type job. He has owned a business since I have known him, which is not doing very well. He had to get two other part-time jobs to make ends meet for the family. Of course he has become resentful of this. I think that he should just get one 9-5 job and I would help run his company. To me it's a win win deal. He gets to come home at 6 instead of working 16 hour days, and I get to stay home with our son. He says he tried to get a job, and no one would hire him. He did send out a lot of resumes but never called on any of them or pursued them. He was waiting, IMO for someone to come beg him to work for them. Since they did not, he feels that he does not have a marketable skill, and that no one would hire him. I think that he does not want a 9-5 job. He keeps trying to start new businesses. He has got another "idea" in the works also. These business ventures keep failing, so of course I am skeptical. His friend gave him this new tactic to try and get me to work. He said that Steven needs to spend some time with his son to bond with him also. I agree! I just think that he sould get this 9-5 job and then he could come home in the evening and spend it with his son. He says that I should "GET A F...ing JOB"!

I am begining to think that he is weak and cannot cope with life. He wants me to take some of the burdon of life off of his shoulders. I have a hard enough time with my spirted toddler. I don't have any extra energy to take burdon off of his shoulders. BTW he has never taken the time to help with his son. He has only taken his son with him by themsleves 2 times. He has never given him a bath! DS is learing words now, and will ask for things, DP ignores his requests and I have to get what he wants. For example. DP is watching TV. DS says wawa wawa, wawa wawa ect. I wait to see what DP will do. Nothing!! I say "DS wants some wawa, are you going to get it?" DP says nothing, so to avoid confrontation I just get my DS something to drink. So, I fear if I was working, DS would not get the level of care that I expect for him. He also NEVER helps around the house. He does not pick up a toy or put a dish in the dishwasher. He never buys any groceries or makes a meal. He doesn't even pick up after himself. I just really wish we could see eye to eye on this issue. He would be the bread winner and I would take care of the family and house. I would not mind doing all of this, if the looming "GET A JOB" was not hanging over my head all of the time. Maybe I am being unreasonable. It's just that I don't think that I can do it. The thought of leaving my son leaves me in tears. Tears are welling up while writing this. Also, my DP wants me to work in the evenings as a waitress. I did waitress before I had my DS. I have a BS degree and found at the time I could make more money serving than working an entry level job. The thing is, I have changed as a person since working at that type of job. I quit smoking cold turkey when I found out that I was pregnant. The restaurants here are all smoking, or have a smoking section. Also, a lot of my co-workers would smoke. I don't think that I can be around smoking. I have had a bit of a relapse this past two weeks and I have smoked 8 cigerettes. I called an 800 help # and they are sending me some info. I just want to stay away from temptation. Also, drinking. The vast majority of servers like to party. I was a big party girl before I got pregnant. Wen't out for drinks like every night after work. Anyway, I want to stay away from that lifestyle. I do not want to be that person anymore, one that drinks a lot and smokes. I am just really afraid of the temptation. My DP is smoking around me now and it's his cigs that I took the 8 from. I asked him to please not smoke around me and he said that I am my own person and should not have one. I messed up and had those, after not smoking for 2.5 years. Apparently, I cannot stop myself if they are in my face.
I just don't know if we should be together if we are tottally different on major issues. We has disscussed this and he has made it clear that he beleives he will have custody of our son at least 50% of the time. He says it's the law here and that I cannot leave the state. I would have to contact a lawyer about all of that. He has just made it clear that he would take whatever money needed, to get the best lawyer, and do whatever he could to get DS. I don't have the money for a good lawyer, but know that I am a wonderful mother and I know that he could never take him. I just don't want the battle. I also would not be able to take it if we got joint custody and he had him 50% of the time. It would devastate me. Plus I do not want that for our DS. I am the product of divorce and I know how it affected me.

Plus if I left, I would really have to work. I would have to take on two jobs to make ends meet and put DS in daycare. That sounds so horrible. No offense to others, it's just scares me to death. My family all lives 1000s of miles away and they want me to move there, so that I could have help from my mother. DP made it clear that if we break up I am not allowed to move. I don't have any family here. Plus, I know he would physically not allow me to walk out the door. He can have a huge temper. He would block the door physically, and I would not want our DS to witness the event. My mom (who wan'ts me to leave), says I should sneak out when he is not at home. I could never do that to anyone. Actually, a lawyer who I consulted over the phone said I should do that also. I could never bring myself to do that - at all!
I know it doesn't seem like it but my DP and I do love each other. We are just really into changing each other right now. We both put so much into what we are doing that we have nothing left over to give each other. He has deep seeded insecurity issues and if I try and talk to him about things that bother me he comes back with giant generalizations. For example - Me "I am really worried about thses business ventures that you are taking on, becasue they are failing and I worry about our finances. DP "your right I am just a failure and an idiot". How do you respond to that? He actually, hears his insecurites rather that what I am saying.
I know, I know, we need counsiling. We do not have the insurance benifit for that. We have tried the income sensitive places and they all have like a 10 visit maximum. DP has a hard time expessing himself and it takes more than 10 sessions to get past his pride and cover - ups to see the real story. We spend the whole time blaming me for being a nag and not helping out financially. Then the counsiler who is usually a young girl, with no kids says. "Why don't you just get a job and phrase your feelings more gently with your DP". Grrr. I can't talk to my family becasue they think it's easy. Just pack up a suitcase and leave when he's at work. So, I cannot talk to them. I just feel so miserable all of the time. I do think - what if I just get this job and make my couple of hundred dollars a month. Will, it really make any difference? It will never be enough. He will say I need to make more money. He's done it before. It's actually, never been enough for him. I am sure I could go on and on but I have to get back to my DS. I hope there is someone out there who might understand what I am going through, or has some advice. My DP and I are not on talking terms right now and he is sleeping on the couch. I am usually the one who makes the move to talk and smooth things over. I don't want to this time. I feel like I want to give up. I am just wishing the whole problem would just go away.

Sorry so long..

 

[Starr]

I wanted to let you know that none of us want anything to happen you. I do think it may be a good idea to take a break, maybe go visit your mom for a while and give both of you time to yourself. If you are not comfortable sneeking and leaving in the middle of the night thats fine. But tell him you want to bring your child to his grandmother and you will be back in 2 weeks. If $ is an issue I would swallow your pride and ask your mom for $ to come visit. If you being up front and asking for time away makes him loose his temper and possibly get violent then you definetly need to get away by whatever means possible. Do you know any MDC mommas in your area? Maybe one of them could meet you in a public place while your out on an errand and you could talk face to face and maybe get a ride to get away. You do not have to stay if you don't want to. But you need to do something.

 

[Music-mommy]

Maybe he just feels like you are unwilling to help him and he feels like he's at his wits end. The same way you feel like he isn't helping you with ds.

Maybe if you approach him in a different way and tell him you are not against working part time, but find out how much daycare will cost, so if day care is $6/hour, and you make $10, then your net income is really low. Also, that if you were to work, he would need to help around the house because you can't do it all yourself.

If he's like my dh he doesn't take well to being confronted abruptly. Maybe he feels like a failure because he can't support his family.

Sounds like he has a lot of dreams that aren't being realized (having a business etc...) If he's not getting called when he sends his resume out, then he needs to revise his resume. It does sound like he's trying to support you but just doesn't know how.

If he's willing maybe you could both right down what your ideal situation is for you it would be to stay home, have him work one job and help around the house, and you could discuss it without getting angry? I don't know. Just some ideas. It sounds as if he's angry that he's not being heard and you are angry for the same reason.

The question I suppose is whether the relationship between you and he is worth saving. Put aside all your other fears of being a single mom etc.... if you still love him and feels he does too, then try to look past all the day to day frustrations and figure out a way to fix the problem. If you don't think it's worth saving, then you and your ds are better off if you are not together. It will only create stress in his life, ds that is. The cheeseball Dr. Phil puts it well when he says "better to be from a broken home than to live in one".

 

[swissmiss]

I agree with the pp who said that it is his ego that is so bruised that he is taking it out on you. my dh has done this and then come full-circle once he got a job which he enjoys. he's like a different person altogether. so don't take it personally when he tells you to get a #$$%ing job. he's just angry at himself.
And I agree with you that being gone, especially in the evenings, is not the best option if it breaks your heart. mommies do tend to know what's best for their dc, whether it's going right back to work or staying home for a few years. I've been ademant (sp?) about staying home and we had to move out of the country so that dh could find a decent job. I have to remind myself at least once/week why the heck we're here, but I do love being with ds.
Getting away for a couple of weeks sounds like a good plan. Maybe you two could have some long phone conversations, without getting confrontational in front of the dc, and work things out. Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

[De-lovely]

I agree with all the "pride issues"-though it looks as though your dp is not into really helping himself at this point.I think you need to find a way to point out all of the benefits to you being at home-financially and emotionally for your ds and your realtionship.I just quit a full time job to stay home and we barely well we cant pay ALL the bills but we pay the necessary ones.

I think there is no bill or utility or car or anything that could reason me into what I consider sacrificing my child's well being. If its NECESSARY then you must do what you have to do (ie single mamas)...I have been where you are believe me and I put my foot down and my dh decided to change-THANK GOD literally.IF your dp has a violent side,isnt supportive of the things you consider most important etc....you need to reeevaluate your realtionship.Your ds has a chance of growing up to witness yucky things like your dp cussing at you etc etc....and believe me if things like this get shoved under the rug one day it WILL rear its ugly ugly head again and maybe when your ds has more of understanding.I second the idea to go visit your mother-I am sure they would love to see you and it helps to see your situation if you are directly out of it. I encourage you to really do some soul searching as it is no reason to stay with someone just because you are scared to be a single mom who has to work.Your dp cant force you stay in your state-he is NOT your husband this is not a divorce.You would be gone and established in your home state before he ever had a chance to take you to court-and its VERY hard for men (sometimes sadly enough) to get any kind of breaks as far as cutody goes-BTDT w/ dh and his son.Good luck mama and I will keep you in my prayers.......

 

[momo7]

My DH made me get a job when we lived in Florida...I worked at Disney for a while and hated every second I spent there, and blamed my husband for a miserable existence

so I quit and did something I wanted to do...which was working at a Waldenbooks. I worked my way up and became a key-holder....opening and closing the store. I LOVED that job...in fact I LOVED it so much I rarely ever spent time at home anymore. Another fact he was the one to pick up the burden of household duities. He realized that was a job in itself...and he worked full time. So there was never any laundry done, never any dinner ready, the house was never clean and the daycare became really hard for him to manage. Long story short....he began to see that I really DID work after all, and that money wasn't nearly as important as he thought it would be when it came to a clean house, clean clothes and a well rounded family life. That happened when we just had one child, when I became pregnant with #2....he told me that he'd had enough so I quit. I got my way after all....only it seemed like the whole idea was his.

If your DP values you he will see that what you do at home MORE than compensates for what you can do outside the home. Let's face it....working at home is NO 4th of July picnic, but it IS rewarding. He will also see (if he's worth his salt) you were right.

If your desire is to stay with him, then do it...it sounds as if you do or you wouldn't be waffling back and forth...you would have already made up your mind and gone. ****If it's work he wants you to do...then do it, but do something you love so that it's something you look forward to doing. It will make it a whole lot easier.****

I didn't want to leave my child either, but I knew I could win if I could convince him "we" were making a huge mistake. l just had to do it in a round- about way. I feel REALLY bad for your DP. He's probably got so much going on his head that he doesn't know if he's coming or going. If he's working 2 part-time jobs AND trying to run a home based buisiness...that's alot for any man to do. He sounds pretty stubborn, like my DH, I think that your idea of him working one full time job and you running the buisiness is a GREAT idea...but you have to make him think it's his idea. Stubborn men are hard to convince.

It seems bleak and depressing, but it's really not that bad. It WILL be OK. I have been in your shoes and I know it is a hard road to walk. It will make it worth your while to presevere.

jen

:

mom to seven

: wife to Rich

16 yrs

 

[skueppers]

I don't really think it's fair for you to expect your partner to provide your family's sole support in the current situation. It's a miserable life for him -- he never gets to see the family he's working so hard to support. And while I agree that it sounds like him getting a 9-5 job and you helping to run the business would be an ideal solution, but it also sounds like he's not really thinking very clearly about this right now and can't manage to make that work either.

Frankly, I think it does make sense for you to get a job, at least on a temporary basis, in order to relieve the pressure on your partner. I suspect that if you show a little flexibility and make things easier for him, he'll also be able to be more flexible himself. Maybe you can make a deal in which him getting a 9-5 job is a goal -- for example, you'll agree to work so he can quit his part-time jobs and focus more energy on the job search, and he'll agree to send out X number of resumes per week and make follow-up calls to all the ones he sent out resumes to in a previous week and hasn't heard anything from.

As for the waitressing thing -- if you think that's not a good environment for you, perhaps you can find a different sort of job. Though I'm not sure the alcohol is really such an issue -- it's hard to be a party girl if you have to get home to your kid!

I certainly understand your concerns about your partner not taking care of your son to the same standard you would, but he's the child's father -- it's important for him to learn how to take care of his son. I don't think it's really important whether he does the job the same way you would -- it's OK for parents to have different styles, and giving them time alone together will allow him to develop his own style.

Oh, and if you do decide to leave, I agree that you should leave when he's not around. While that's not a nice thing to do, if you're afraid of his temper, it's the only sensible choice.

Good luck!