[MPJJJ]

I want to cry, it would help, but I'm just too angry to.

This whole weekend, all DH has been concerned about is having sex and eating dinner. I was so disgusted in that he wouldn't do a thing I asked, just kept saying "I'll do it later, I promise" that I refused to have sex with him all weekend, and of course instead of doing the dishes that he promised, before he leaves he corners me in the bedroom and practically begs. I had called him into the bedroom to earlier to show him something his Mom had gotten the boys, and he gets mad that I wont have sex with him while we were in there. Hello... 3 kids in the living room... remember? And he gets mad and pouts

saying I was teasing him by calling him into our bedroom.

I asked him to rebag the trash in the garage because the dog ripped it open. He didn't. I fixed all the meals, and then washed all the dishes several times so I could fix meals, with him promising he would. He didn't.

The driveway needed to be shoveled. I asked him to before we left to take him back to work. He laughed at that idea. Now I am totally stuck in the driveway, in a hole I melted in the ice by trying to get out, it's suposed to snow another 6" tonight, I really NEED to get into the garage, and I can't. I called him and begged him to come back by and pull me out, he says he can't... of course, it's his JOB... but this is his job too.

I'm so tired of this. I'm ready for a divorce. I never see him anyways, and when I do, all he does is help make messes but doesn't help clean them up. I'm so heartsick from all this. And overwhelmed by all that I have to do, all the time.

 

[mama ganoush]

right there with ya, mama. DickHeads...

 

[China white]

I so wish I had more to offer you, but I'm in the same boat......

It seems that all I do is dishes, laundry, cook, etc. In the summer, it's my job to cut the grass (almost 1/2 an acre, with babe on my back) and I'm usually responsible for shoveling the drive in the winter....

You know what? You don't need to hear all the crap I'm going through, I just want you to know you're not alone. I'm sorry you're weekend was so trying.

China

 

[mama ganoush]

is there anything more irritating then cleaning the kitchen so you can make dinner so you can clean the kitchen again?

 

[Quindin]

And why when you ask them to do something they say: "I am going to do it right away" and then NEVER DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd much rather hear: "Sorry, I don't feel like it" or "Sorry, I can't" so I could go and take care of the thing myself...

:

:

 

[mamalisa]

Silly stupid men, why don't they get that if they put a little bit of effort into what you ask them to do, you might actually be interested in sex? Aren't men supposed to be the more logical thinkers? It's not that hard of a riddle to figure out! If they know we have to do all the "stuff" why would they think we would have energy left for sex? Stupid silly men.

Lately my dh seems to think because he works he doesn't have to participate in "life". I did all the Christmas decorating alone, wrapping ect. When I asked him what it was like to sit and watch his life, from the couch, he got mad and said he pays for it all. Um, ok, what's the point of working to pay for the Christmas tree if you don't want to decorate it together? Some days I feel like he could just send a check and our lives would be the same...I hate that feeling.

He's finally learned to ask when I need a task completed. I've learned to give him a time frame. He used to say, "do I have to do it now?" in a way that made me feel like a 13 year old's mother. Now I say, "can you peel potatoes in the next 35 minutes?" and he says, "sure" and does it!

Sorry you're having such a rough time, from the looks of it though, you're in good company

 

[Irishmommy]

Moving this to Parents as Partners...

 

[Al Dente]

nak

maybe they're the smart ones...they never change, we complain and bitch but don't leave their sorry butts...why should they change? no consequences. sometimes it's hard not to hate men.

 

[stirringleaf]

im sorry you guys. that blows. i go through it with DH sometimes but luckily right now we have a pretty good routine going. it seems we are most on each other about that stuff when both of us are overworked. but i agree about the time frame idea, even though it seems so stupid to have to do it that way. but also , i have refused to cook dinner before ...i say he has to at least wash me enough stuff so i can cook dinner (including clearing the table so we can eat on it) or i simply wont cook for him. i get frozen veggies and have easy stuff for DS in a pinch, so ill take care of us while DH has to fend for himself. he gets sick of frozen burritos ...

other times i have even said "ok then i am making myself something and you have to cook for you and DS " and i insist that he cannot cop out and just give DS yogurt

or 5 slices of cheese

but RacheePoo, your post made me think of a line from my favorite poet, Alice Notely:

"What do I know. It's so fatiguing to hate you men."

(from her book, disobedience) this book reads like a novel, BTW , a good read!

 

[Danesmama]

I am always amazed how my dh thinks because he works and I don't (although SAHM's have a lot of work), that he is not required to do anything around the house.

I'm sorry dh's been so unhelpful for you - I know many of us can relate. Good luck working things out.

 

[wemoon]

Thus the reason I am happily single. I'm so sorry to hear your going through this, it is just so wrong.

 

[meowee]

"I'll do it later, I promise"

:

here, let me bonk him on the head for you a few more times

 

[Lucky Charm]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama ganoush is there anything more irritating then cleaning the kitchen so you can make dinner so you can clean the kitchen again?

No, I can't think of anything.

 

[sunnmama]

What I do:
Since (if dh doesn't help) everything actually *does* become your job, I phrase it like it is all things on my to-do list, and ask for help cause I am stressing. Like I will say: "Oh my gosh...I am so overwhelmed! I have to clean the kitchen, and rebag this trash, and then cook dinner, and then clean the kitchen again....AND I am trying to find the time to shovel the freakin' driveway!!! Gosh, I could really use some help!"

When I do this, dh seems really, really enthusiastic about helping *me*. When I just ask him to do such-and-such thing, he is more likely to be busy and forget

.

Also, you could be *very* direct and say "Gosh, I was really hoping to stay awake for some loving tonight, but with all of this stuff to do I think I'm going to be worn out....AGAIN!" Then start the list...and if he has half a brain, he will put the pieces of the puzzle together and pick a job!

 

[guestmama9915]

It's so lame that we have to do tricks to get them to do anything in the first place. I don't even cook dinner anymore, I got so sick and tired of cooking and then doing the dishes. Or what's even worse is when he cooks, makes a huge mess, doesn't clean it up so I end up doing it, and thinks he's some sort of hero for the rest of the week for doing it. I just don't understand any of this, I'm getting so fed up lately, too. I feel like I have two children instead of one, no matter how many times we talk about it talk about it alk about it talk about it it doesn't change. ARRGH!!!!

Sorry, this thread triggered something.

Hugs to all you mamas..

 

[momto l&a]

Sex begins in the kitchen.

 

[Little Birdies Mom]

I was reminded of my husband when you spoke of yours. Now don't get me wrong, I love him dearly but he can really, REALLY get me furious. If I think of him as an eighteen year old and treat him that way {because that's the way he acts: "I'll do it later, I'm busy right now, I dont' like being told what to do"}, I get better results and things run more smoothly. And nothing infuriates me more than when I drop exhausted into bed and he starts rubbing my back {hint, hint}.

So here are my strategies: Now keep in mind I know nothing about you so some of these might not be practical.
1. Hire some help. Even a teenage neighbor boy to run the snowblower every morning to clear out the driveway. Our neighbor did it for us because my husband just couldn't drag himself out of bed in the a.m. to do it and I was already up busy with the kids. And there was NO WAY he would get up early to watch them while I did it. A housecleaner twice a month, a neighborhood girl might even be interested. Or a mothers helper to watch the kids a few days after school. I pay mine $3/hour since I'm physically in the house, and they can be young {mine's 10} since you're there.

2. Point out the alternatives. "Honey, this needs to be done. Do you want to A: Watch the kids while I run to the store? B: Help our child with their homework while I clean up the kitchen? C: Bathe the kids or vacuum the living room? Sadly, my husband will usually choose the household task versus watching the kids, but at least he's helping with the house.

3. Schedule sex{HaHa} There are many times when I'll say, "Listen, I have A,B, and C to finish before we go to bed. If you help me, it will be to your benefit. If you don't, I will be too tired and want to go to sleep when I get to bed.

4. Just stop doing. "Oh, I'm sorry honey, you have no clean underwear. I had to help so-in-so with his science project and so-in-so get gum out of his hair and the cat puked in the hallway and so-in-so slipped in it. I guess you'll have to run a load of laundry."

It's very sad that instead of a participating husband, we have to use these manipulating strategies to get them to move, but when I do, our household runs much more smoothly and we are all happier. And I'm not convinced that he even knows I use strategies with him.

To end, on a funny note, my husband cleaned the litter box the other day {he does that and empty out the dishwasher on a regular basis. Sometimes I have to wait for him to do it, but at least it gets done.} So he puts the litter box back with the door facing the wall so the cat can't get it. So where does the cat pee, but in the middle of our bed. And I had 20 people coming over for dessert in 2 hours. IDIOT!!!!

 

[jeca]

My DH has finally learned that extra help around the house equals more sex for him. I do of course do majority of the houisework since I am there alone with the girls most of the day but once he gets home, after a little relaxing. I will ask him to do certain things. He's come to realixe f I am up alone still cleaning at 11:00 at night and just getting kids to sleep, I am not in the mood. BUt, if my house is decent and he has put the kids to bed for me or vice versa, I am more than okay with a little play. Well, it did take him almost 9 years to realize that.

 

[MamaChel]

Sorry you're going through this. I'm in a very similar boat is there anyone at all nearby who can help you?

If Dh doesn't help with the housework, he gets none of the household benefits- period. (This includes sex- I usually just tell him to go take care of himself in the bathroom, it's not like I don't have 50 other things to do at any given moment.)either he helps or he doesn't eat. He's gone w/o supper on numerous occasions b/c he's been too lazy to do anything. He's gone w/o clean clothes b/c he couldn't be bothered to put them in the hamper or start his own load. I just made the decision that I was no longer responsible for him- at all. If he has something he needs done, he better do it himself or ask if I would do a specific task for him. If he asks where something is, I tell him that it's not my responsibility to keep track of his things. It sucks but I'm done playing games and begging for help form someone who refuses to be responsible for anything at all. I can just do it better myself.

 

[MarineWife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danesmama I am always amazed how my dh thinks because he works and I don't (although SAHM's have a lot of work), that he is not required to do anything around the house.

Find the study that shows that a SAHM works the equivalent of two full-time jobs and show it to your dhes (does that stand for dear husbands or dickheads? LOL).