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I don't normaly post here b/c people on MDC know me IRL but I have to spew this out. My DH is driving me nuts. I feel like he is so unsupportive and unhelpful. Last night i began to question what it is exactly that I like him.

We have been married for three years, we have a 23 month old dd, six month ago we moved away from my entire support system for Dhs job. I have been battling a realy severe depression for a few months now. I have recently started to come out of it and I have begun to feel like maybe my husband doesn't want me to get better. He says he does but he doesn't act like he does.

A large part of our issues center around his behavior when it comes time for me to get a break from our dd. I have very few friends where we live and I rarely go out or do anything for myself. This past weekend my sister came to visit and while he kept dd the entire weekend he acted like a complete jerk about it. One night when we were getting ready to go out he actually said "why do you need to look so nice"
: IMHO when men imply there partneres shouldn't where make up or try to look good it's a form of control. I just really wanted him to say "you look nice, go have fun, you deserve a break." when I said this to him he said "why do you feel so guilty about taking a break?" This seems like turning the issue around on me. I just wish he could suport my need to have me time, to work on becoming a person outside of motherhood.

The other huge issue is related to sleep. Our daughter has a lot of sleep issues. i have been left on my own to deal with this from day one. For almost a week now she has ben sleeping latched on all through the night ( I know there are those on MDC who wouldn't mind this but I am not one of them) and for the past almost two years she has woken me up about once every two hours to get latched on. I am exuasted. I know this is exasperating my depression. Dh keeps claiming he will help me with her at night and then just not doing it. He will help in the mornings but only after I am fully awake or he will get her up but leave the bedroom door open "because she doesn't like it when it's closed" I guess I am the point where I feel that I can not go on another minute this exauseted and it hurts me so much b/c if this were happening to him i would help him.


We went to counsling one time where we used to live. Our insurance will pay for 3 sessions plus we have no child care here so i don't know how we would go. I feel that counsling may be all that will work. So much of the time I feel that i just have to lower my expectations or I feel like I am alone to solve every problem we/ I have.
 

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That sounds similar to what we went through. I was and have been the only one to deal with the sleep issues. God didn't give men boobs so those of us who choose to bf and co sleep I think are just kinda stuck until dc ween. I used to have no friends of my own, onlyt dh's friends. I never went out, never excersized, etc. I stopped wearing make-up, dressing nice, doing anything outside the home that didn't involve grocery shopping or the book store. I finally found some other moms in my son's class who invited me to join their book club. DH would say the same thing about why do I need to look nice, etc. I think it's a jealousy issue because he sees that you have stopped looking nice for him, but you want to look nice for going out with friends. I started taking a little more interest in my appearance around the house i.e. putting on a little make-up, doing something with my hair, dressing nice. Now when I go out there really isn't the difference in looking nice for friends and looking nice on a regular basis. It also helped that dh has started going to the gym, mountain biking by himself or with friends, and doing things on his own, so he understands the need for for me to do the same. I was really supportive of him doing this and even pushed him abit so that he wouldn't be able to give me sh. about doing something outside the house too. Or at leat he gets that he won't say anything since he likes his freedom too.

It also helped that I started taking an anti-depressant. I have taken them in the past, but I noticed that when I started again I treated dh totally diffent. I am much more open and accepting of him, and in return he is of me. We also went to one counceling session, and decided to ready "Love Busters" by Willard Harley. I cannot recommend this book enough. We are not religous, so I don't really belive that women should take the husband's side and make it work no matter what, but I found that with changing my attitude to dh and giving him a bit more, he gave as well. Hope things get better for you!
 

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I have been on anti-depressants, too...and I have to say this...I think it is a real risk when you're taking anti-depressants so that you can medicate yourself into being ok with accepting someone else's unacceptable behavior.

If you medicate yourself, the issues will still exist, you just won't care about them...and then your husband is left thinking that he has no contribution to the problems you're facing, that it's been "all you" this whole time.

I encourage you to come clean with him...maybe write him a letter, or sit down one day when you're not feeling so keyed up about the problems you're facing...and explain to him, in detail, exactly how you feel.

Focus on yourself, not on his short-comings. Use the "I" language therapists are always talking about.

Tell him: "I feel overwhlemed. I feel suffocated. And I feel like all of the problems in our household are left to me to solve. I feel alone. I feel like I have no partner. I feel like I have to fight for every shred of "Me" that I get to express."

Explain to him that you believe marriage to be a partnership...a santified union where it is supposed to be the two of you against the whole rest of the world, not you two against each other....but that you feel like it's you, all by yourself.

Explain to him that you are hurting and that you are unhappy. Explain to him that you want to be happy.

Regardless of how much he doesn't like "talks" or having to hear these kinds of things, I encourage you to find the strength to say them anyway. I can assure you that any husband who truly loves his wife and cares about his family is going to internalize these words you say to him...he may be defensive to begin with, he may want to argue...but you simply tell him that you're not saying these things to fight with him and you're not going to argue about HOW YOU FEEL, because, well, this is the way you feel...and you need him to acknowledge that and help you find a solution.

It may take some time, but he may surprise you...and you may open up some really meaningful dialogue.

I find the biggest mistake my husband and I make is that we forget that we're supposed to be on each other's side...and when we get frustrated or upset, we withdraw from each other, rather than turn to each other for support. When we withdraw from each other, we seclude ourselves on this island of disappointment and negativity and sit there, building monsters until we're so overwhelmed that even considering trying to turn to each other for help seems impossible.

I wish you luck in finding answers. I really, really hope you will bare your soul to your husband, though...really, it can't make things any worse, can it?
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by cjanelles View Post
I have been on anti-depressants, too...and I have to say this...I think it is a real risk when you're taking anti-depressants so that you can medicate yourself into being ok with accepting someone else's unacceptable behavior.

I think this is a fantastic explanation of a very common phenomenon. Thank you for calling attention to this. Extreme sleep deprivation is going to create the lack of seratonin that makes you crazy and depressed. That's why sleep deprivation is used as a means of torture.

Quote:
If you medicate yourself, the issues will still exist, you just won't care about them...and then your husband is left thinking that he has no contribution to the problems you're facing, that it's been "all you" this whole time.

I encourage you to come clean with him...maybe write him a letter, or sit down one day when you're not feeling so keyed up about the problems you're facing...and explain to him, in detail, exactly how you feel.

Focus on yourself, not on his short-comings. Use the "I" language therapists are always talking about.

Tell him: "I feel overwhlemed. I feel suffocated. And I feel like all of the problems in our household are left to me to solve. I feel alone. I feel like I have no partner. I feel like I have to fight for every shred of "Me" that I get to express."

Explain to him that you believe marriage to be a partnership...a santified union where it is supposed to be the two of you against the whole rest of the world, not you two against each other....but that you feel like it's you, all by yourself.

Explain to him that you are hurting and that you are unhappy. Explain to him that you want to be happy.

Regardless of how much he doesn't like "talks" or having to hear these kinds of things, I encourage you to find the strength to say them anyway. I can assure you that any husband who truly loves his wife and cares about his family is going to internalize these words you say to him...he may be defensive to begin with, he may want to argue...but you simply tell him that you're not saying these things to fight with him and you're not going to argue about HOW YOU FEEL, because, well, this is the way you feel...and you need him to acknowledge that and help you find a solution.

It may take some time, but he may surprise you...and you may open up some really meaningful dialogue.

I find the biggest mistake my husband and I make is that we forget that we're supposed to be on each other's side...and when we get frustrated or upset, we withdraw from each other, rather than turn to each other for support. When we withdraw from each other, we seclude ourselves on this island of disappointment and negativity and sit there, building monsters until we're so overwhelmed that even considering trying to turn to each other for help seems impossible.

I wish you luck in finding answers. I really, really hope you will bare your soul to your husband, though...really, it can't make things any worse, can it?
:
Really good advice. If he cares at all I think you may get somewhere here.
 

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Just wanted to say that I didn't take ani-depressants to deal with dh and our issues. I took them because I battle depression. The ani-depressants helped me see what was going on get into counceling, discussing how he made me feel when he said or treated me certain ways, etc. I completely agree with the pp as well.
 

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Not much advice here, but I do roll onto my stomach when I am done nursing. DD might hit me or whibe around for a minute, but she does fall back to sleep. It takes a while to break them of the constant boob, but when you get so sleep deprived I think it's worth trying before antidepressants.
 
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