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Originally Posted by cjanelles View Post
I have been on anti-depressants, too...and I have to say this...I think it is a real risk when you're taking anti-depressants so that you can medicate yourself into being ok with accepting someone else's unacceptable behavior.

I think this is a fantastic explanation of a very common phenomenon. Thank you for calling attention to this. Extreme sleep deprivation is going to create the lack of seratonin that makes you crazy and depressed. That's why sleep deprivation is used as a means of torture.

If you medicate yourself, the issues will still exist, you just won't care about them...and then your husband is left thinking that he has no contribution to the problems you're facing, that it's been "all you" this whole time.

I encourage you to come clean with him...maybe write him a letter, or sit down one day when you're not feeling so keyed up about the problems you're facing...and explain to him, in detail, exactly how you feel.

Focus on yourself, not on his short-comings. Use the "I" language therapists are always talking about.

Tell him: "I feel overwhlemed. I feel suffocated. And I feel like all of the problems in our household are left to me to solve. I feel alone. I feel like I have no partner. I feel like I have to fight for every shred of "Me" that I get to express."

Explain to him that you believe marriage to be a partnership...a santified union where it is supposed to be the two of you against the whole rest of the world, not you two against each other....but that you feel like it's you, all by yourself.

Explain to him that you are hurting and that you are unhappy. Explain to him that you want to be happy.

Regardless of how much he doesn't like "talks" or having to hear these kinds of things, I encourage you to find the strength to say them anyway. I can assure you that any husband who truly loves his wife and cares about his family is going to internalize these words you say to him...he may be defensive to begin with, he may want to argue...but you simply tell him that you're not saying these things to fight with him and you're not going to argue about HOW YOU FEEL, because, well, this is the way you feel...and you need him to acknowledge that and help you find a solution.

It may take some time, but he may surprise you...and you may open up some really meaningful dialogue.

I find the biggest mistake my husband and I make is that we forget that we're supposed to be on each other's side...and when we get frustrated or upset, we withdraw from each other, rather than turn to each other for support. When we withdraw from each other, we seclude ourselves on this island of disappointment and negativity and sit there, building monsters until we're so overwhelmed that even considering trying to turn to each other for help seems impossible.

I wish you luck in finding answers. I really, really hope you will bare your soul to your husband, though...really, it can't make things any worse, can it?
Really good advice. If he cares at all I think you may get somewhere here.
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