[amydawnsmommy]

All the time I get asked about having more kids.....people think they have the right to delve into my personal life with comments about how Hope should have a sibling. It drives me crazy, it hurts too.

I never know what to say to people and often end up saying 'I don't know' or trying to distract them with 'Everyone asks me that.'

God. The truth of the matter is I wanted more. I wanted a large family, I wanted to homeschool, I wanted a supportive husband!!! Instead my baby died, my husband made my life hell, apparently ppd wasn't okay to him so instead of supporting me he berated me making it worse and I long for Amy Dawn.

Of course I can't get into that with acquaintances and Avon customers but every time they ask I get to revisit the question.... Will we have more and if we do will it be a good idea? Will our marriage survive having another child? We barely made it through the past two years. Will I survive it after my very difficult ppd and being very close to suicide numerous times? And then I wonder will Hope regret not having siblings to support her when she is older?

I feel trapped. Right now it wouldn't work anyways as Ben and I are both working from home and strapped for time, energy and cash flow. In a way I feel glad to be done with late night feedings and diapers but it's still depressing. I feel like I don't have a choice anymore. And I know I'll always know that I should have two kids at home instead of just one. *sigh*

I've been debating on vasectomy but I just can't do it. It's too permanent and now I'm superstitious and worried something would happen to Hope then and that would be it.

I wish people weren't so damned insensitive!!! *sigh*

Anyone have any good come backs? I don't want to bare my soul but I want to get the point across that their questions are not welcome.

 

[Stayseeliz]

I know how you feel.

We get that question a lot too and it always hurts. I would be 13w pg right now if I hadn't had my miscarriage and I desperately want another little one. Today we put away DD"s crib and changing table and it was so sad. I'm not pregnant and there isn't much chance of us having the money to adopt anytime soon. Yucky day today..

 

[arlecchina]

I was reading your website that's in your sig. been crying over it for awhile

I'm so sorry.

 

[2sweetboysmom]

I frequently am asked "So are you going to have another baby,...Try for a girl this time." (It really bothers me that they usually ask this right in front of my boys, as if just boys is not really enough.

: ) I have always responded by saying, " I appreciate your thoughts, but that is not something I want to discuss right now."
Life is so often not the package we thought we signed up for. Remember there is no less glory in doing the best you can with the life you have. I think because of the strength it takes to keep going there is actually more. Hope knows just how very much you love her and that you want to give her the best that you can. Please try not to worry.

 

[sparklefairy]

I have the magic "one of each" but miscarried twice after, so it doesn't come up often. If someone were to ask me, I would make a point of saying that "I *have* tried to have a third child twice" and hope that they'd realize how insensitive they were to ask when I'd be having another. But then it's been several years and I can be a smart ass about it without losing it on the spot (which I only tend to do when someone else announces a loss and I'm not expecting it).

 

[umami_mommy]

i guess i'm just one of those type of people who is very blunt in situations like this and i would just firmly say "not having more children is a great source of pain to me and so i would prefer it if you not ask me anymore personal questions." and then not say anything else. period. no matter what they say.

i am often so stunned at people's level of rudeness that i just stand there with my mouth hnaging open, and so i practice come backs until they become second nature. i did it when my son was still nursing at 18 months and it worked well for me.

 

[dziejen]

I am sorry people are so insensitive and really just plain nosy sometimes. I am sorry for all the hard times that you have been through -- it is just not easy and I don't think people realize how losing a baby affects your entire life in so many ways. I guess my response would be something along the lines of "oh, that's so personal" or maybe respond that you just don't want to talk about it. People ask me if we will have more children and I tell them that I don't really know and sometimes I tell them that I would like to but I am not sure, which is the truth.

Take care of yourself, mama.

 

[lolar2]

I usually have said, "It would be nice, but there's only so much you can do" (with a smile and wink). Then the person who asked the original question usually panics, thinking I am about to tell him/ her way TMI about my sex life, and changes the subject. I actually am pregnant again now, but that method works like a charm and I plan to use it in the future whether or not I lose more pregnancies.

 

[coralsmom]

i think people ask that because they think that having another baby will make the loss of your baby somehow 'better', if that makes sense. THEY will feel better if you have another baby, because then they won't have to think about how your child died, which is just so horrendous for most people to even comprehend. it is really perplexing how the perceptions of people about birth loss can be so rude and hurtful. 'there was something wrong, it is better this way'. well, even if that is the case, it is NEVER better this way, to lose a child is just indescribable to someone who has not. that question on having more children is a reflection of that inability of others to truly understand what it feels like to lose a baby. having children is so personal and intimate a subject, but like many other things in our society, it is just thrown around like they are talking about what color shirt to wear.

people asked me if we were 'trying again' so soon after our daughter died (born stillborn at 41w5d), it was creepy to me. (the l&d nurse told me we could try again when coral was still inside me...) then i realized that it was coping mechanism for them to deal with not being able to talk about what happened. after a while, that question stopped, and people now just look at my belly. 'is she or isn't she?'. i have never been so aware of those belly glances and they hurt every time. if i was just a little less adjusted, i might slip and scream out 'no i am not pregnant!!!'.

the other day, a girl asked me 'will you have another baby?' and i said 'we would like to, but it isnt easy, and we are still grieving... sometimes in life you don't get what you want just because you want it...'

or, i have turned the question right around... changed the subject, or i use the question as an opportunity to talk about our daughter that died. i think that when given the chance, or the opening for conversation, people may see that it is 'ok' to talk about the loss of a pregnancy, or the death of a baby, without 'making it better' by having another baby.

i am so sorry that you have to be here. it is a really sad place to be, and i know the stresses you describe with your relationship after a loss. it isn't easy. it sucks!! it helps so much to talk about how you are feeling, and keep those feelings 'out', don't bury them! in the end, i think it is better to just talk through them. there are so many women who have lost a much wanted baby, and we can help eachother through it.

 

[umami_mommy]

you now coralsmom, it is sooo strange how people avoid talking about the loss. i was so hurt that only my son continued to talk about my m/c after it happened.

we went out to dinner with my cousins from out of state on friday. he is a loud mouth guy with no social skills. but he actually said "how long were you pregnant before? when you lost the baby?" he is the ONLY person in my whole family to actually even speak of my loss!

i though it was very sweet of him.

and it *is* good to let people know they can speak of your loss.

 

[babybugmama]

After my 2nd m/c during children's time at church, dd said something about wanting a brother or sister....you can imagine all the conversation starters that created...

It was a rough day. But totally no one's fault and no one was really being insensitive...no one knew either about the m/c.

to everyone

 

[KnittingMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by coralsmom i think people ask that because they think that having another baby will make the loss of your baby somehow 'better', if that makes sense. THEY will feel better if you have another baby, because then they won't have to think about how your child died, which is just so horrendous for most people to even comprehend. it is really perplexing how the perceptions of people about birth loss can be so rude and hurtful. 'there was something wrong, it is better this way'. well, even if that is the case, it is NEVER better this way, to lose a child is just indescribable to someone who has not. that question on having more children is a reflection of that inability of others to truly understand what it feels like to lose a baby. having children is so personal and intimate a subject, but like many other things in our society, it is just thrown around like they are talking about what color shirt to wear. people asked me if we were 'trying again' so soon after our daughter died (born stillborn at 41w5d), it was creepy to me. (the l&d nurse told me we could try again when coral was still inside me...) then i realized that it was coping mechanism for them to deal with not being able to talk about what happened. after a while, that question stopped, and people now just look at my belly. 'is she or isn't she?'. i have never been so aware of those belly glances and they hurt every time. if i was just a little less adjusted, i might slip and scream out 'no i am not pregnant!!!'. the other day, a girl asked me 'will you have another baby?' and i said 'we would like to, but it isnt easy, and we are still grieving... sometimes in life you don't get what you want just because you want it...' or, i have turned the question right around... changed the subject, or i use the question as an opportunity to talk about our daughter that died. i think that when given the chance, or the opening for conversation, people may see that it is 'ok' to talk about the loss of a pregnancy, or the death of a baby, without 'making it better' by having another baby.

You said so many things I was going to say! I have discovered that losing a child/pregnancy at any time is almost a taboo subject in our society. Almost like, "don't ask, don't tell". Ironic, since people feel so free to talk about our reproductive habits (aka having children), but clam up when those reproductive habits don't turn out the way we hoped. Its sad really, since it leaves many women in the dark and feeling alone and scared, and I really feel it should never be that way. It makes me sad that if there is a healthy baby, everyone wants to talk about it and see him/her and will throw you baby showers and welcome home parties. But if you loose a baby, many women find it hard to find even one shoulder to cry on. In my opinion, you need much more support if you loose a baby than if you give birth to a healthy one.

When our DD was only a few months old, I started getting the "when is she going to have a sibling" comments. I hadn't lost a baby at this point, but it was no less annoying - I can't imagine being in your shoes. I even had the postal worker at our PO TELL me that I should have another one because my DD was so cute, it would be a waste not to. I just looked at her and said as nice as I could, "Well thank you for telling me what to do with my reproductive organs. I'll keep that in mind". And I left. She was totally shocked and I don't think she was expecting that.
I have the magical "one of each" as well, and I have had a couple of comments since we lost our third baby. Mostly, "so are you done now?" When I reply that we plan to try again at a later date (as if its any of their business) I usually get a look or comment about how I have one of each, so why would I want to do that?

:

The point is, whether or not you try again now or in the future is no one's business but yours and your DH's. You will always be the mother of two children and if anyone asks, you can tell them just that: "Hope does have a sister, however she's no longer with us". (or something to that effect).

 

[vikilefay]

I have been asked this question twice today! This is a difficult time for me because I should be preparing to welcome our daughter, not grieving her. The first person who asked me was a new neighbour with children of her own, she came to introduce herself and I was with my son. In the general chit chat she asked quite simply if it was just the three of us (husband had already been mentioned), and I just answered 'for now'

Tonight I went to watch my husbands volleyball game and members of his team started asking my son, (2.5 years), when he was going to have a baby brother or sister. I just said, we're trying. Then the starting making fun of my husband's sperm!!!! I couldn't beleive it. Then I just interrupted and said 'there's nothing wrong with him, getting pregnant isn't the problem, getting the pregnancy to stick is' Sadly it still took him a while to get what i was saying.

The ruddest thing anyone said to me happened the other week. I was talking to a friend about buying clothes, explaining I was hoping to get pg again, so didn't want to buy anything, When a beautifully round pg lady interrupted and said 'no you don't' I just looked at her and said, 'yes, i do' she repeated 'no you don't' so I gave the same reply. AGAIN she said 'no you don't' At that point I just said 'I should be as pregnant as you are right now. So yes, I do want to be pregnant.' She immediately apologized, and I saw she felt bad, but I thought, let that be a lesson to you!

Urgh, people! The nerve!

Viki

 

[amydawnsmommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2sweetboysmom Life is so often not the package we thought we signed up for. Remember there is no less glory in doing the best you can with the life you have. I think because of the strength it takes to keep going there is actually more. Hope knows just how very much you love her and that you want to give her the best that you can. Please try not to worry.

What you wrote has inspired me and lifted my spirit.

I am strong despite the pain. Thank you. I've been reminding myself of your words each time I doubt myself. Thank you!!!

 

[amydawnsmommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stayseeliz I know how you feel. We get that question a lot too and it always hurts. I would be 13w pg right now if I hadn't had my miscarriage and I desperately want another little one. Today we put away DD"s crib and changing table and it was so sad. I'm not pregnant and there isn't much chance of us having the money to adopt anytime soon. Yucky day today..

I am so sorry. Putting away a crib and changing table when you should be expecting would be devastating.

Thank you for your support mama.

 

[amydawnsmommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by arlecchina I was reading your website that's in your sig. been crying over it for awhile I'm so sorry.

Thank you for your support arlecchina. It's good to know I am not alone here.

 

[amydawnsmommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparklefairy If someone were to ask me, I would make a point of saying that "I *have* tried to have a third child twice" and hope that they'd realize how insensitive they were to ask when I'd be having another. But then it's been several years and I can be a smart ass about it without losing it on the spot (which I only tend to do when someone else announces a loss and I'm not expecting it).

Thank you for your support sparklefairy. Has that response got the asker to shut their mouth?

 

[amydawnsmommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeybeedreams i guess i'm just one of those type of people who is very blunt in situations like this and i would just firmly say "not having more children is a great source of pain to me and so i would prefer it if you not ask me anymore personal questions." and then not say anything else. period. no matter what they say. i am often so stunned at people's level of rudeness that i just stand there with my mouth hnaging open, and so i practice come backs until they become second nature. i did it when my son was still nursing at 18 months and it worked well for me.

I often find I am so taken aback by their personal questions that I am on the verge of tears. My classic comeback is 'Everyone asks me that.' But some people don't get that that is my way of saying stop asking personal questions. Argh. I would like to say what you've suggested but I'd probably burst out bawling which would be awkward in front of an Avon customer.

Nursing questions don't bother me however. I guess because talking about nursing Hope isn't sad for me and I knew people wouldn't get it.

Hope is 3 1/2 and still nursing here and there. My standard response is 'The world average for nursing *and I always say 'including North America'* is four years and that the World Health Organization recommends nursing to two and beyond.' That always surprises people and they shut up right away.
Thanks for your support honeybeedreams.

 

[amydawnsmommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dziejen I am sorry people are so insensitive and really just plain nosy sometimes. I am sorry for all the hard times that you have been through -- it is just not easy and I don't think people realize how losing a baby affects your entire life in so many ways. I guess my response would be something along the lines of "oh, that's so personal" or maybe respond that you just don't want to talk about it. People ask me if we will have more children and I tell them that I don't really know and sometimes I tell them that I would like to but I am not sure, which is the truth. Take care of yourself, mama.

Maybe I should say that I don't feel like talking about it which makes it awkward but I guess the other person is the one who made it awkward for me in the first place! *sigh* I often say 'I don't know' too. I try to make it sound like it's not the big deal that it is. *sigh* Thanks for your support dziejen

 

[amydawnsmommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by coralsmom i think people ask that because they think that having another baby will make the loss of your baby somehow 'better', if that makes sense. THEY will feel better if you have another baby, because then they won't have to think about how your child died, which is just so horrendous for most people to even comprehend. to lose a child is just indescribable to someone who has not. that question on having more children is a reflection of that inability of others to truly understand what it feels like to lose a baby. people asked me if we were 'trying again' so soon after our daughter died (born stillborn at 41w5d), it was creepy to me. (the l&d nurse told me we could try again when coral was still inside me...) ... sometimes in life you don't get what you want just because you want it...' i am so sorry that you have to be here. it is a really sad place to be, and i know the stresses you describe with your relationship after a loss. it isn't easy. it sucks!! it helps so much to talk about how you are feeling, and keep those feelings 'out', don't bury them! in the end, i think it is better to just talk through them. there are so many women who have lost a much wanted baby, and we can help each other through it.

coralsmom, thanks for your great insights. You're right, I'm sure that's why people ask. I remember telling a customer that everyone asked me about having kids, this was 2 years ago and the questions are still coming! *sigh* and he said it's because people wanted to see me happy. But obviously they don't understand the issues that go along with losing a baby.

It is indescribable. You are so right. The other day Hope and I were at her godparents' house and they were swimming. I was standing outside the pool helping to watch her. When her godmother and I started to talk Hope slipped under the water and went face down she was freaking out and flailing and her godfather didn't notice for about 20-30 seconds. He and I picked her up out of the water and calmed her down. I was freaking out inside but they took it so calmly I just knew that they wouldn't understand my fear of death so I said nothing. However telling my dear friend whose baby was also stillborn about it I could tell just by looking into her eyes how terrified she too would have been in that situation. *sigh* Some of them may never even try to understand and that is the truly sad thing.

I am so sorry the labour and delivery nurse you got was so insensitive and ignorant!!!

I wonder if there is a perinatal bereavement support group in your area that could teach all the nurses (and doctors) how to support the family and say the right things.

Your point is so true. I remember once one of my customers asking me after her sister had died how I survived and I said 'Because I had to. I had no choice.' And it's true. Depressing but true but I'm still here and starting to truly live again which I never thought I'd ever do.

Thank you for your wonderful support. I am so glad to have found this community of caring moms.