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Much like the title suggests, we had a baby, I became a mama to the most incredible creature in the world, and suddenly my outlook on everything has changed, from pesticide, to carcinogens, to recylcing. You name it and I have re-thought it. This part is normal, and not really the part I want advice on.<br><br>
Dh and I discussed kids of course, and how we would raise them and blahdy blahdy blah, but since we've had dd I've changed the way I want to raise her - I basically re-wrote the contract we agreed upon before she existed. Now, it's creating some weird and stressful tension for us because we no longer agree on how to parent or how to feed or how to deal with our child.<br><br>
I'm sure I'm not the only person who went through this. How did you arrive at a compromise that left the well being of dc in tact? Is there even such a thing?<br><br>
I have talked with him about it a little and he doesn't seem to think it's a problem, but *I* do. I don't want to rear children with someone who doesn't subscribe to the same fundamental values as me. Maybe that's hardassed or something -- I'm not sure. I just know that I feel like it's very difficult to raise kids together without undermining the other person's beliefs when you don't agree.<br><br>
Advice? Suggestions?<br><br>
Thanks.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nylecoj</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8230429"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Much like the title suggests, we had a baby, I became a mama to the most incredible creature in the world, and suddenly my outlook on everything has changed, from pesticide, to carcinogens, to recylcing. You name it and I have re-thought it. This part is normal, and not really the part I want advice on.<br><br>
Dh and I discussed kids of course, and how we would raise them and blahdy blahdy blah, but since we've had dd I've changed the way I want to raise her - I basically re-wrote the contract we agreed upon before she existed. Now, it's creating some weird and stressful tension for us because we no longer agree on how to parent or how to feed or how to deal with our child.<br><br>
I'm sure I'm not the only person who went through this. How did you arrive at a compromise that left the well being of dc in tact? Is there even such a thing?<br><br>
I have talked with him about it a little and he doesn't seem to think it's a problem, but *I* do. I don't want to rear children with someone who doesn't subscribe to the same fundamental values as me. Maybe that's hardassed or something -- I'm not sure. I just know that I feel like it's very difficult to raise kids together without undermining the other person's beliefs when you don't agree.<br><br>
Advice? Suggestions?<br><br>
Thanks.</div>
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Yeah, this is a good one. The differences cause so much tension here. But what is funny is that I think mostly my DH agrees with me deep down (he usually copies me after a time delay) but will not admit it and resents that I set the tone. And with our differences, he has FORCED me to relax. It was not fun (TV, kids' movies, cookies, long outings without Mom, etc.). And I feel myself detatching sometimes (from DS) in order to cope, which I don't like.
 

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<span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';">I am in the same boat and want you to know many many parents face this regardless of the parenting choices they choose. I feel my method is going pretty well.... I pick my battles and compromise on the items I am not SUPER passionate about.<br><br><br>
There have only been two items I "stood my ground" on and that was my choice of pediatrician (since they are the professional and my SO values a professional opinion quite often) and for us to breast feed only which he did not want..... everything else has fallen into place.<br><br>
My mother and my SO are much more traditional than I am but I have learned to easy up knowing anything they do with my dd is minor since I spend 98% of the time with my dd. What they do the other 2% will not mess up my great foundation.</span>
 

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nylecoj - I am sorry this has been such a point of contention for your. Luckily DH and I agreed before kids and continue to agree (on the major issues) to this day. In my case, most of it isn't necessarily that he agrees, but as the PP said, he recognizes that I spend the majority of the time with them,and if my way works for me he subscribes to it as well.<br><br>
DH and I have both been very anti pesticide, etc. for a very long time, so it wasn't something that changed for us. I think our biggest issue was discipline, as there wasn't really a need for it in the early months and years of being parents. Now all of a sudden our almost 4 year old is pushing the limits, as all children do, and we've needed to figure out how to deal with this. I was spanked as a child, I remember how it made me feel, and I have vowed NEVER to do this to my kids......DH disagrees, but understands, and I know that out of respect for me, he would never ever lay a hand on our children. He does get angrier than I do, but all it takes from me is for me to quietly say his name and he can very easily turn off the anger and revert to a more GD approach.<br><br>
Also as PP's have said, some of it has been compromise. This has happened as DD1 has gotten older and wanted more privelages like junk food, movies, going to friends houses to play, etc. All of these things I have *issues* with, but DH thinks they are fine. I realize they are doing no lasting harm to my kiddo, and I give in.<br><br>
I guess my best advice is to talk to DH, let him know how you feel and why. Let him know the issues you absolutely will not give on, etc. Parenting is a lot of hard work, it can take a toll on any marriage. By keeping the lines of communication open it's a hill you will get over!!
 

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I can really relate as I am going through kind of the same thing right now. I just read Unconditional Parenting and the ideas in the book interest me and make sense, the book just didn't give enough real life examples but it's something I would like to try. However, not sure how to bring it up to DH. He believes in spanking <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> We also bang heads on many other things. He recently told me he thinks organic food is a scam, and he doesn't believe all the chemicals in our world are making us sick. This upsets me greatly and he doesn't even care to read anything about it (ignorance is bliss?). He doesn't let the dogs walk on lawns that have recently applied chemicals (those TruGreen signs), yet he thinks it's OK to dump fertilizer/weed killer in our yard where I want DS to be able to play in the grass.<br><br>
We are going to counseling to learn how to communicate better and how to deal with disagreements such as this.<br><br>
I have leaned towards non-chemical/natural for a long time now, but even more so now that DS is here.<br><br>
Sorry, i know how tough it is <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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are you thinking about splittingup? that is the impression i get from your post... anyway i hope it's not the case, because it is so important to have two parents.<br><br>
don't really have a lot of advice, as my husband and i are on the same page about everything anyway (that's why i married him!) jjust hoping you can work it through...<br><br>
try not to push him on issues maybe as this tends to get the wrong reaction... if you do all the shopping for the house anyway, just get the stuff that fits with your philosophy (i.e. don;t buy formula or sposies etc) and chances are he won't be bothred to run out andshop for that stuff himserlf!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kaspar</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8231843"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">are you thinking about splittingup? that is the impression i get from your post... anyway i hope it's not the case, because it is so important to have two parents.</div>
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No. Absolutely not. I love dh very very much, but I'm struggling with the entire situation I guess.<br><br>
I'm leaning towards organic foods and I get the feeling that much like a pp said, he thinks it's all a bunch of hooey. Or about delaying solids for allergies.<br><br>
Or just the whole general thing where he'll agree with me when I'm around and we're talking about it but if one of his family members criticizes our parenting style or suggests something else he acts like he's not committed to doing something we previously discussed.<br><br>
It's really hard not to feel foolish or undermined when he does stuff like that and he just doesn't get it.<br><br>
That said, we are still pretty new to this whole thing and just the other day he did go out and buy some organic herbicide/pesticide for our lawn and garden that was made primarily with clove oil. It smelled great and I didn't even have to tell him to get it. So there's definitely hope.<br><br>
In some way I feel like I owe him an apology because I up and changed the parenting contract on him .... but that seems odd.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nylecoj</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8232097"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">No. Absolutely not. I love dh very very much, but I'm struggling with the entire situation I guess.<br><br>
I'm leaning towards organic foods and I get the feeling that much like a pp said, he thinks it's all a bunch of hooey. Or about delaying solids for allergies.<br><br>
Or just the whole general thing where he'll agree with me when I'm around and we're talking about it but if one of his family members criticizes our parenting style or suggests something else he acts like he's not committed to doing something we previously discussed.<br><br>
It's really hard not to feel foolish or undermined when he does stuff like that and he just doesn't get it.<br><br>
That said, we are still pretty new to this whole thing and just the other day he did go out and buy some organic herbicide/pesticide for our lawn and garden that was made primarily with clove oil. It smelled great and I didn't even have to tell him to get it. So there's definitely hope.<br><br>
In some way I feel like I owe him an apology because I up and changed the parenting contract on him .... but that seems odd.</div>
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If it makes you feel any better, GD proves itself over and over in the case of my DS. DP really learns from my example and realizes that his unthought-out response alienates DS.
 

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It's ok that you and your DH aren't always in 100% agreement, you will teach your daughter how to compromise, stand firm when it matters and negotiate an agreement.<br><br>
It's ok that you changed your mind about some stuff, you will teach your daughter how to be open minded, flexible and willing to learn new things.<br><br>
It's ok if you and DH do slightly different things, you will teach your daughter that there are options and not always one absolute way to do something.<br><br><br>
Your DH might settle into his own parenting style more if he spent some time with other AP/NFL dads so he didn't feel like you were the only person who believed these things.
 

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DH probably don't agree 100% on things but here's how things started changing for us: I'd find something out and bring it up and explain the reasoning behind it. Introducing solids late is a good example. I think I may have started talking about this when DD was 3 or 4 months old. I mentioned allergies (he has them) and how most of baby food is nutritionally not that great. He agreed that jarred food was gross. It helped that we got some from a neighbor and he opened a few jars and decided this wasn't food. When he saw DD going for his apple, he realized that not only is spoonfeeding a chore, she's not learning nearly as much with it. I catch him now preaching self-feeding to other fathers. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
For things where you can't see the immediate benefit (like going organic) it helps if you have some factoids handy to explain away your purchase. For example, <a href="http://www.foodnews.org/" target="_blank">http://www.foodnews.org/</a> has a table where it shows the pesticide loads of common store bought fruits and vegetables. Knowing some things about pesticides helps too. It's all about information.<br><br>
Best of luck. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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