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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I really, really, really think I was just not cut out for this!!! I have not been a good mother for months, maybe ever, I yell, I grabbed my older two kids arms hard today, I just want to leave them with someone that will care for them the way I wish I could. I'm tired of nursing and being the ONLY one they want. I think they would really(seriously) be better off with a mom that wasn't crazy crying one minute, and too tired to even turn the pages of a book the next. My house is disgusting, they don't deserve to have this life I am making for them, and i don't know what to do, except leave.<br>
sorry to complain, i just don't know what to do...
 

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BTDT...<br><br>
Are you on any medication for depression or are you seeing a counselor? It sounds like you are at the end of your rope and (I think) you are asking for help? Please take a moment and call a trusted physician or relative and talk to them about these feelings. There are so many options available to nursing moms these days (in terms of meds) and they help - they really do!<br><br>
I felt like I was becoming the worst mama and wife - that they would be better off if I left. I talked to my OB/GYN, a great guy, and he convinced me to give meds a try and look into counseling. I've been on Lexapro for several weeks now and it's made a huge (and positive) difference in my family's life. I'm still trying to find a therapist I'm comfortable with, but just taking these small steps has helped so much.<br><br>
You will find a lot of support here - you've taken the first step, now it's time to take someone's hand (figuratively speaking) and step out some more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I have been trying meds, and kind of gave up for a while, my doc is very causious(sp?) and they tried to tell me I would have to wean if I wanted meds(this is how little they knew about it), I don't think I have ever actually gotten up to a thereputic dose on any of them, he really is discouraging it. I have an appt on monday with him, i know I need something. I have posted here a bit before, and then I stopped(not sure why). He thinks I may be bipolar, and that's why the meds aren't helping, but I don't know...<br>
I just want to feel okay, to do the dishes, to clean up , to play with my kids. I feel like I can not do anything. Like someone else said here, I feel vacant, a shell. I do have a counselor, but we are mostly focusing on husband wife issues, but i feel safe with her. I feel like no one knows how bad it is, i'm afraid to tell them, afraid they might take my kids.(I have not abused them, but I know I am neglecting them in my eyes, pbs is on all day long, and my older two kids mostly have benn fending for themselves.)<br>
My husband is not taking up the slack, so I have months worth of laundry and dishes piled up. I have to wash something to even eat or go anywhere. It's bad. I don't know.
 

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You have to tell the counselor and your doctor how bad it is, otherwise they can't help you the way you need it. If necessary, pull in your DH so that he is really aware of the situation and can help out. If that is not possible, do you have a close friend or relative nearby that you can rely on? Ask them to come in and help you with laundry, dishes, etc. or just play with the youngest kids or take the older ones out for movie or something to give you a break.<br><br>
As far as meds go, if you weren't on things longer than 6-8 weeks at a time, it is possible that you didn't have enough in your system to make a difference. Talk to you doctor about this when you see him/her.
 

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I'm sorry your feeling so out of touch with your mothering and yourself. You describe exactly the chaos I felt just a few months ago. My questions are probably just a page or two back in this forum. I gave my OB a call after my phsycologist said I was infact moderate to severly depressed. My OB was able to give me a perscription for Zoloft and I'm on 50 mg a day. I know someone who is on 100 mg a day, it's different for each person. I've been on it for about 6 or 7 weeks now and I'm a completely different person, mom & wife. My hubby notices, my girls notice and just yesterday my good friend noticed too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I don't think you have to worry about being honest about how bad it is and that your kids may get taken away because of it. Being a mom is hard, and lots of people do understand that. You just have to ask for help when you desperatly need it. I'm sad your hubby isn't more help for you. Maybe he's frustrated too, I know my hubby almost got to the end of his ropes before I finally did something for it. My whole family was miserable, most of all me.<br><br>
I second the staying on the meds for longer, or maybe you need to change meds. I really like Zoloft, and I'm nursing still.<br><br>
There is a light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. Maybe we just need to play more 20 questions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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If you haven't already, find a good psychiatrist. He will not take the place of your counsellor, but he (or she) will be able to more correctly diagnose you and find the right med, or combo of meds that will work for you. When you start on an ssri, the change isn't immediate, it takes weeks for the medication to build up enough in your system to truly change your brain chemistry. Although all the ssri's work well, some work better in some people. Paxil works wonders for my mother, but it sent me into a huge, awful downward spiral. GP's, family practice doctors, internists, and obgyn's simply don't have the experience with the meds and with the illnesses to diagnose and treat them.<br><br>
I see my psych around every three months, if I need to get in before, I call, but typically, after a correct diagnosis and finally finding the right med, they will just monitor you to ensure that you stay on the right path. I was on an ssri from Sept of last year till June of this year (I chose to try to go off to get pregnant and have done wonderfully since then.) Once you find one that works, it typically takes six months to a year to get the brain chemistry evened out. Don't go off them before that, even if you start to feel better. If you can't find a psych on your own, talk to your doctor who should be able to refer you. If they take offense, they shouldn't. You certainly wouldn't go to a Psych for strep throat or a gall bladder issue, why would you go to a gp (or other doc) for a psychiatric problem.<br><br>
And remember, we aren't mentally ill, we are chemically challenged.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Mamamoo, you are not alone! I have those feelings and grab my DD without wanting to "be that way", etc., too. I'm working at writing an article addressing some of the things that so many REAL moms experience, but that you feel like you can't talk about or you are the only one. Not sure if anyone will ever print it (assuming I finish it!) but I am going to send it to Mothering. I thought other moms didn't have the struggles I do. I thought I had to be the perfect mom. Part of me still wants to be. I've been in therapy for months now and burnt out for about a year. I try and try to improve things but usually feel like I'm barely treading water. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:<br><br>
This may sound callous, but does anyone else have the distinct impression that moms who don't care as much about their kids have so much easier a time with parenting? I mean, wanting to be such an awesome mom puts a heck of a lot of strain on a woman! I try to remind myself that my child will hopefully turn out happier, healthier, and better -- and I'll have fewer challenges later in life -- but sometimes I wish I could care a little more about myself and a little less about my daughter. That probably sounds horrible to people who haven't BTDT, but hopefully you'll know what I'm talking about.<br><br>
I think I'd actually be a better and happier mom if I hadn't been so completely into being the perfect AP mom to my child. Let's face it, there are only so many things you can worry about doing and the world would not have ended if I'd used paper diapers or weaned her earlier or fed her non-organic food...<br><br>
Sorry you are having such a rough time. I actually found this post b/c I'm researching people's posts about antidepressants, so obviously things aren't June Cleaver-ish here either!<br><br>
Carol
 

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Hi, I really feel for you. I have had times when I did things that i didnt want to be doing as you described. times when i think about it later and my ds and cry for his pain. It is extrememly hard to suffer with ppd. It's difficult especially when you feel and maybe know that for the most part you are alone. there may be no-one you can see daily who understands. no-one who can just care about YOU and believe in you to be a good mom. thats what we need. we must stick together.<br>
Anytime you want to talk, i'll be there, Anytime you want someone to just be there, i will--- that kind of person. NOt Always easy to come by. As a mom it's like we must find someone to mother us too. who could that be? I hope you can find the strength inside no-matter how much you hurt or dont want to, to find and reach out for that person. Do it for the kids. do it for you.<br>
I really do understand. it can get better. you know you cant run away but you can get away if you demand and take time. 10 minutes. do it. just go. it may be hard but call someone and walk outside and let the trees love you ( i know it sounds corny) let the wind caress your face, let the air dry your tears. its ok.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat"><br>
Laura
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks so much mamas!! I actually had a pretty good day today, though I've been weepy(better than angry). Though I am sad so many of us are having these problems, it really helps to see that others deal with these things too. I talked with my midwife today, and she helped a lot too.<br><br>
Laura~That is not corny, it is beautiful, and so right on!! I *forget* to cherish things like the wind, and the trees. Thank you!<br><br>
Jish~I have been seeing a psych. for about 6 months, but he is very hesitant, and wishy washy, and unfortunately this practise is the only one i can go to. I see him again monday...<br>
I am also going to start taking walks by myself everyday(or as often as possible), i need a break...<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by EllasMama</i><br><b>This may sound callous, but does anyone else have the distinct impression that moms who don't care as much about their kids have so much easier a time with parenting? I mean, wanting to be such an awesome mom puts a heck of a lot of strain on a woman! I try to remind myself that my child will hopefully turn out happier, healthier, and better -- and I'll have fewer challenges later in life -- but sometimes I wish I could care a little more about myself and a little less about my daughter. That probably sounds horrible to people who haven't BTDT, but hopefully you'll know what I'm talking about.<br><br>
I think I'd actually be a better and happier mom if I hadn't been so completely into being the perfect AP mom to my child. Let's face it, there are only so many things you can worry about doing and the world would not have ended if I'd used paper diapers or weaned her earlier or fed her non-organic food...<br><br>
Carol</b></td>
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Carol~I believe you are very much right on, I hesitate to ever mention this because I know that I am doing what is best for my kids, and feel guilty questioning it. But the mamas who have raised their kids this way(talking about when it is a cultural norm, not in USA)they have the village backing them up. it seems like there is usually lots of grandmothers and aunts to help each other. Not only are we doing it alone we have to waste our energy defending our *natural* decisions to everyone, including the docs. I feel very strongly about this...I guess. :LOL<br><br>
Again thanks mamas, you are always here when I need you the most!<br><br>
Oh, and Gemini~definately need more 20 questions!! :LOL<br>
Hugs, Debi
 

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Mamas: I just want to state that while I do agree that as ap moms we sometimes go to great lengths that others might not in our parenting and yes if we had a village or something akin we might be better off: However, i'm afraid when i get into thinking of my situation as one that suggests i am perhaps "so different " or exceptional i also fall into the victim trap. I know that this is not what was definately being said in afore mentioned posts but just had a concern.<br>
lots of love,<br>
Laura, fellow ap mom w/ anxiety and depression
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I see what you are saying, and I agree to a point. I think that the way we parent is much more demanding(emotionally, and physically), and I believe it can trigger PPD(if we are not getting enough rest, or taking care of ourselves). I think it is a fact that AP is not the norm in USA, and I do put too much energy in defending my choices, or trying to educate people. I think this is my doing though, I have the choice to say, hey it's what works for us, the end. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Most the time I choose to not do that though. I don't know, I guess it was just something I was thinking of for a long time, wondering if the lack of support from a "village" contributed to PPD.<br><br>
Though i know that I have other issues going on that make it worse too, like the idea that I am not doing enough(the perfection thing). I know I am a great mom(most of the time), but choose to beat myself up for the times I'm not...this is something I am working on in therapy. I expect too much out of myself, and other people. I hope I am getting better about it, it is a long process(journey) to change ones way of thinking.<br><br>
I appreciate the support I recieve from you lovely group of ladies.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Debi
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by mamamoo</i><br><b>Though i know that I have other issues going on that make it worse too, like the idea that I am not doing enough(the perfection thing). I know I am a great mom(most of the time), but choose to beat myself up for the times I'm not...this is something I am working on in therapy. I expect too much out of myself, and other people. I hope I am getting better about it, it is a long process(journey) to change ones way of thinking.</b></td>
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I could have written that! I've gotten to the point in therapy where in my MIND I know I don't have to be perfect, but am still working on the rest of me!<br><br>
I definitely think AP parenting with the lack of a tribe or any real support for doing things differently contributes to having a harder time parenting, and PPD in some. I don't think that means I have a victim mentality, I'm just saying what I believe to be true. I know for a fact that my method of parenting is harder - much harder - than typical mainstream parenting. My daughter is also much more challenging than the average kid.<br><br>
Yeah, I definitely want to run away sometimes. I sometimes look longingly at airplanes flying over, though I hate flying! I've seriously thought about going away on my own for a few days, so DH can see what it's like to have full responsibility and I can just be ALONE for once. But I'm too scared to do it so far. I don't trust DH and I don't want to "desert" DD. Maybe someday.<br><br>
Carol
 

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I agree that AP parenting while not causing ppd can contribute to it. Let me explain. Most of us breastfeed, and co-sleep. Both of these can greatly contribute to sleep deprivation which can be a huge trigger for PPD. Many moms that formula feed or practice the ferber method are likely getting much more sleep than we are, thus the ppd isn't triggered for them.<br><br>
As AP moms we also tend to give so much of ourselves to our children that we forget that we are people with needs too, or we feel guilty taking care of those needs. We would all be much healthier if we would remember that taking an hour for ourselves not only benefits us, but by making ourselves happy and healthy, we thus make our children happier and healthier. Self care gets lost somewhere.<br><br>
For those of us living with depression, I think it is really important that we don't give so much of ourselves to our children that we no longer have enough to sustain <span style="text-decoration:underline;">us</span> . If this means that we hire a trusted babysitter for a few hours every week or two so that we can get out and have a date with our spouse, or go grocery shopping alone, or get a massage, or have coffee with a friend, then this is what we need to do to stay healthy. Our babies don't want us to sacrifice ourselves for the sake our them. They want happy, healthy moms.<br><br>
Because of my depression (which was undiagnosed at the time) I landed in the hospital a year ago. As a matter of fact, one year ago this upcoming Thursday was the day my dh took me to the ER and I was correctly diagnosed and admitted for six days. Oh, how far I have come since then.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> I had sacrificed so much of myself to my children in the years leading up to that. I didn't realize I was doing it, I thought I was being a good mother. I had never looked at the fact that there was rarely a time each month that I didn't have at least one of my children with me. I was truly on duty 24/7 for four years and it had taken it's toll.<br><br>
What I don't want is for my children to ever think as they get older that they were in any way at fault for my not caring for myself and landing in a horrible depression.<br><br>
We need to start to look at Attachment Parenting as taking care of not only our children's needs, but remembering that by taking care of our needs, we are susequently taking care of their needs. Mama's, take time for yourself in what ever way you need or desire. Don't feel guilty for leaving your child in trusted hands for an hour or two, or six if you need. In the end your child will love you more for it, for taking care of yourself, and thus taking care of them.<br><br>
Me thinks I've rambled long enough. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Well said, Jish! If ONLY I had understood all that before I careened down the slippery slope, what a difference it might have made. Hindsight is 20/20. I had no idea I could get so burned out, I just followed the AP books (and my heart) and thought things would be as peachy as the books promised. Instead, I'm stuck climbing slowly back up that slope I slid down, or trying to anyway, mostly I feel like I'm grasping at air.<br><br>
You have to look no further than these boards for statements like, "well, as a true AP parent, I don't believe in taking breaks from my child." This is really harmful advice for many moms. I had no good option readily available for breaks till well after my burnout, but then again I didn't actively search one out till then. Plus my daughter was so attached that it would have been hard to leave her. But it would have been worth it if I could have staved off what followed. But I'm just thrilled for the AP elite who make statements like the one above, since their child is obviously not such a pill as mine can be, so they can stand by 24x7 without pulling their hair out, throttling their child, or exploding into tiny bits all over their undoubtedly pristine walls....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"> Guess I feel kind of strongly about that, huh. Actually, I would have made the same sort of statement BEFORE I burned out, and probably did, so I guess it's all relative!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
Carol
 

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Oh my gosh! I am SO happy to have come to this forum!!!<br><br>
Yes! I believe that AP can contribute to PPD!!! We do tend to be perfectionists, also!<br><br>
I had a home birth and had just recently read "ecstasy in chilbirth" in Mothering. I had my 2 midwives and thought, I've got everything in my control. Then out came this screaming baby girl and within less than 48 hrs after her birth, I had a full blown panic attack followed by depersonalization that was with me 24/7. The scariest time I've EVER gone through in my life!!!<br><br>
I am now a moderator on a post partum web site and love to help other women through their struggles with PPD.<br><br>
I can so relate to everything you have all said here. I felt like I never wanted to leave my now 10 yr old daughter. We have a very strong bond and I have always had her with me, I am also an unschooler. I have a 14 yr old boy too.Well, I have learned that I need to take breaks. It's hard but it's worth it!!! I could use even more, really, but at least I get the occasional break to refresh my energy to deal with life with a "high needs" baby.<br><br>
Sometimes life throws a curve at us and we have to learn new things in order to get through it. I didn't even read the article on "breastfeeding and medications" in Mothering when I got that issue. I NEVER would never take anything like THAT!!! Well, I've been breast feeding my daughter for 15 mths on Zoloft and occasional Xanex. She seems to be doing very well. It wasn't what I expected, to say the least!<br><br>
Enough from me. I'm glad we are not alone and can give one another support!<br><br>
Carla<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 
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