so what do you think of this behaviour

Jster and MCAL - you have both answered my question. the thing is my ex doesnt feel he is being controlling. he makes me feel i am seeing things that are not there - that i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. that i am the one creating the problem, that there is something wrong with me.

we are not there yet where we can set off limits. my ex always uses a disorganised house as his reason to be mad. and i decided if i keep it spruced up more at least he will not have fuel for his fire.

i just have to do things far more carefully with him because i dont want anything to adversely affect my dd. which might mean i will have to put up with more than usual crap. instead of accusing him of why he is talking that way or that is not the way to talk to me - i just give it back to him - in a polite but stern manner where the subject is closed and no more talk on that.

an example: history there are family stories about how ex would get so competitive and in front of his neices an nephews act as a sore loser. so the other day he asked me where had dd learnt 'i won' i won from indirectly accusing me of hanging out with the wrong people. i dont know - maybe from ps, from tv, from the books she read. that was the end of conversation. he tries to teach her - tell her winning is not the point here. hello she is just 3 1/2 and is not in any sports. shouldnt this lesson be given by example rather than words.

that's the biggest difference in our parenting style. i want her to learn by action and he does something but says the opposite - of course IMO. u dont lecture a child spitting is bad behaviour. when u see her spitting u say that is not a nice thing to do. you are spreading ur germs and it is not respectful to do so.; she does it even more - u still calmly continue ur words. eventually she stops. because of this he finds me toooo lenient and therefore i am an idiot who goes to these crazy parenting boards adn reads these crazy parenting books to learn about parenting while he goes and seeks opinions from conservative child psychologists and strict old fashioned parenting philosphies which his other brothres have ignored. aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

unfortunately i am already in damage control mode right now with being naked at home.

all i wanted to know was - was i so out of line for being upset at these things. and i got it.

thanks

The thing about a controller is that they need to you think that you are the controlling one......not them. Another way to control/manipulate you. My ex does this all the time. He turns everything on me. I just smile and go, 'hmmm, uh-huh, yes, you're probably right, okay, I'll think about that, etc." Then he gets it all off his chest and I really don't give a rip.

When you're dealing with him, remember that people tend to project how they are feeling onto other people. Your ex is controlling and feels out of control, so he projects that on to you and sees that in you (even if it's not real). My ex is so much the same. He sat in my house and tried to lecture me about giving the kids too many sweets. Then after he leaves, I found out he didn't feed them anything all day but sugar. They didn't have 1 meal in a 8hour day?!?!? He feels guilty, so he projects that onto me.

I don't think you were out of line feeling upset by this. He obviously has some issues that need to be addressed, but likely he won't realize that. It sounds a lot like my ex, so I feel I can empathize a bit. I hate doing damage control with the kids, but there's nothing else I can do.