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so what do you think of this behaviour

479 Views 5 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  MsChatsAlot
i feel i have a controlling and emotionally abusive ex and even though we coparent we are miles apart as to what is important with dd. but he is a good father. a lot of what he does he does i feel to make sure he doesnt have to pay CS. which is still ok in my books - somewhat - because dd (3 1/2) ADORES him. wish he would want to take her because he wants to and not because he has to. safety wise he is over protective which is fine with me. we agree on diet so i dont have to worry about our defintion of junk food.

so here are some instances that rub me the wrong way and i wanted ur honest opinion if what i am feeling is right.

- 'are you looking for a job?' i left my job to go home half way across the globe to take care of my mom. it was an emergency. a week after i come back he asks me that question.

- 'is your house clean' - recently he moved into a mil cottage and is building the bathroom (they either go potty in the backyard or camping potty) and kitchen.

- over the phone the words he put in dd's mouth 'mom are u watching a movie' after i told her i was cleaning.

- today my dd who LOVES makeup enthusiastically took my brown lip pencil to her eyes. seh was putting on 'eyeshadow'. i hadnt wiped it off before ex came to pick her up. this is wha he told her 'yukh! it looks horrible. it looks like someone hit you on teh face. it looks bruised. it doesnt look nice.'

- he has issues with clean house and talks to our dd that way. he wants her to know he doesnt approve of my kind of living. so he has ingrained her in such a way that she calls my ol house an yucky house.

so what do you think? i just want to know what you guys think and if i am being unreasonable.
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What he's doing is controlling and manipulative. It's definitely not appropriate for your daughter to be placed in the middle either.

You'll likely have some damage control to do as your daughter gets older and starts to internalize some of his crap. Which is unfortunate....but lucky for her, you are a strong mama.

I think it's okay to set boundaries with him. My ex and I went through a period where we had to shut down certain topics of conversation. If one of us brought up a 'off limits' topic.....we would give the other person and warning and then hang up if they didn't stop.

Not sure what else to suggest.
yeah, I agree with MsChatsAlot, he's putting your child in the middle in an unfair and uncaring way. Just like people go on and on in this forum about "never badmouth the dad" there are plenty of dads out there very willing to badmouth the mom...often, as in your case, over differences of opinion rather than real issues (such as mental health, chemical dependency, immorality, etc.) that might actually need to be explained to protect a child.

I agree with MsChatsAlot about the off topics issue, but that will only help minimize the problems in your conversations. I'd love to have a suggestion about encouraging him to stop placing ideas in your dd's head, but I can't come up with anything. : ( Hope someone else has an idea...
Jster and MCAL - you have both answered my question. the thing is my ex doesnt feel he is being controlling. he makes me feel i am seeing things that are not there - that i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. that i am the one creating the problem, that there is something wrong with me.

we are not there yet where we can set off limits. my ex always uses a disorganised house as his reason to be mad. and i decided if i keep it spruced up more at least he will not have fuel for his fire.

i just have to do things far more carefully with him because i dont want anything to adversely affect my dd. which might mean i will have to put up with more than usual crap. instead of accusing him of why he is talking that way or that is not the way to talk to me - i just give it back to him - in a polite but stern manner where the subject is closed and no more talk on that.

an example: history there are family stories about how ex would get so competitive and in front of his neices an nephews act as a sore loser. so the other day he asked me where had dd learnt 'i won' i won from indirectly accusing me of hanging out with the wrong people. i dont know - maybe from ps, from tv, from the books she read. that was the end of conversation. he tries to teach her - tell her winning is not the point here. hello she is just 3 1/2 and is not in any sports. shouldnt this lesson be given by example rather than words.

that's the biggest difference in our parenting style. i want her to learn by action and he does something but says the opposite - of course IMO. u dont lecture a child spitting is bad behaviour. when u see her spitting u say that is not a nice thing to do. you are spreading ur germs and it is not respectful to do so.; she does it even more - u still calmly continue ur words. eventually she stops. because of this he finds me toooo lenient and therefore i am an idiot who goes to these crazy parenting boards adn reads these crazy parenting books to learn about parenting while he goes and seeks opinions from conservative child psychologists and strict old fashioned parenting philosphies which his other brothres have ignored. aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

unfortunately i am already in damage control mode right now with being naked at home.

all i wanted to know was - was i so out of line for being upset at these things. and i got it.

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If he has concerns with you or your house then he needs to adress them with YOU and not dd. But, he probably knows that his concerns are none of his business so he makes comments to dd hoping they'll get back to you. It is manipulative and not healthy for your dd to have to deal with. He's using her like a pawn. The fact that he does not pay child support is BS, how can he really care about his child yet not pay child support? If he REALLY cared then he'd care enough to make sure she is supported when she is with you. Also, why does he care so much about you getting a job? He doesn't pay to support you so it's not his concern. Sounds like he's just trying to make you feel bad and trying to control you.
The thing about a controller is that they need to you think that you are the controlling one......not them. Another way to control/manipulate you. My ex does this all the time. He turns everything on me. I just smile and go, 'hmmm, uh-huh, yes, you're probably right, okay, I'll think about that, etc." Then he gets it all off his chest and I really don't give a rip.

When you're dealing with him, remember that people tend to project how they are feeling onto other people. Your ex is controlling and feels out of control, so he projects that on to you and sees that in you (even if it's not real). My ex is so much the same. He sat in my house and tried to lecture me about giving the kids too many sweets. Then after he leaves, I found out he didn't feed them anything all day but sugar. They didn't have 1 meal in a 8hour day?!?!? He feels guilty, so he projects that onto me.

I don't think you were out of line feeling upset by this. He obviously has some issues that need to be addressed, but likely he won't realize that. It sounds a lot like my ex, so I feel I can empathize a bit. I hate doing damage control with the kids, but there's nothing else I can do.
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