[sweet tea]

and I just want to be by myself?

dd was born in a hospital...and I honestly don't remember who all was there, but a room full.

and this baby will be born at home, with dh, dd and a close friend to support dd and 2 midwives. that seems like enough of a gathering to me, but..

Dh's mom and SIL and 7 yo neice are flying in that week, and my step-mom, who talks to me about once a month even though we live down the street from each other wants to be there 'cuz she's never missed a birth of a grandbaby'

and these ppl love me and just want to be there with me, but why do I feel like locking the door?
and none of them have anything positive to say about homebirth, I feel like they are all just waiting for the gratification of something going wrong and me having to go to the hospital, so they can all tell me what a dumb idea it was to birth at home

ok..they are not that bad, but all the comments about not getting pain meds when I had an epi with #1, and "just you wait"...ok enough out of me

I don't want to damage our relationship by asking them to leave, I mean they are flying in from out of state...my only hope is that I go into labor a few days early...then I can host a party

just a rant

 

[Ligmom]

Stacey,
I know you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but you really have to make sure that only the people you are comfortable with are present for your birth. I had 11 people at my homebirth, and although everyone who was there loved me and just wanted to share the birth, I really feel like I was inhibited by their presence and it kept my labor from progressing. I think having so many people there contributed to my 32 hours of labor. Protect your birthing space....you don't have to be rude to do this, but it is something you must do. People mean well, but especially if they have no experience with normal birth, the energy they bring to the situation can hinder your labor.
Do what you need to do

Wishing you a peaceful and joyous birth

 

[tinyshoes]

lock

the

door

 

[watermamma]

I don't know many women that like being "a watched pot". Having spectators steals energy away from mom. My labor stopped when my midwives came in the room to check FHT's, I can't imagine having others there as well.

Your family will get over not being there when your sweet baby is there to love on

And it is your birth, NOT theirs!!!

 

[georgia]

Rant well taken! I have a mil who I've had to lay down the law with, and it was very difficult to try and get through to her.....

I would look into why you would be afraid to ask them to leave if this is what you were needing? Would you be afraid of asking them to leave if you were about to make love

??? First and foremost, you must take care of you. How damaged can the relationship be if you make a request that's in YOUR and YOUR baby's best interest---whether or not they get that---you do!

I know I would deeply regret not doing everything in my power to achieve the birth I deserve. I've found open communication helps enormously, for peace of mind. Birth deserves to be sacred and private (or as private as you want it).

You're not responsible for anyone else's emotions or reactions--really!!!. All you can do is let your needs be known, make your requests clear and do what you need to do! It doesn't have to be a confrontation. I think your instinct to lock the door says it all!!!!! Go with it

Peaceful birthing wishes,

 

[watermamma]

I forgot to add.... My first was a hospital birth with an epidural.

When planning our freestanding bc birth, I got alot of "what are you going to do w/out drugs? You couldn't "do" it last time....." I got this mostly from my mom and MIL. Yet another reason neither were invited to stare at me.

Before you know it, they will be bragging to everyone about how you birthed your baby naturally, at home

 

[cottonwood]

oops

 

[cottonwood]

I could care less whether people want to make their own births into a public event, but I have never understood why some people think everyone else should want to too!

For your labor to progress normally, you have to be comfortable. If you're not going to be comfortable with a swarm of people around you, so be it. You owe no one any part of your birth, no matter how far they have come to see you. If they insist on taking it personally, you might print them off Sarah Buckley's wonderful article for Mothering magazine here: http://www.mothering.com/11-0-0/html...ic-birth.shtml

Here is an excerpt from it:

Undisturbed birth is exceedingly rare in our culture, even in birth centers and homebirths. Two factors that disturb birth in all mammals are firstly being in an unfamiliar place and secondly the presence of an observer. Feelings of safety and privacy thus seem to be fundamental. Yet the entire system of Western obstetrics is devoted to observation of pregnant and birthing women, by both people and machines; when birth isn't going smoothly, obstetricians respond with yet more intense observation. It is indeed amazing that any woman can give birth under such conditions. Some writers have observed that, for a woman, having a baby has a lot of parallels with making a baby: same hormones, same parts of the body, same sounds, and the same needs for feelings of safety and privacy. How would it be to attempt to make love in the conditions under which we expect women to give birth?

 

[gingerlane]

I wrote a letter to everyone who came to dd's birth, setting the ground rules an letting them know that as a laboring mother I had the "right" to ask them to leave. Turns out I went deeply into labor land and didn't have a clue what was happening in the real world... and a great birth. But for #2 (whenever that happens), I've been fanaticizing about a quiet homebirth with dh and our midwife... maybe one friend. I'll have to contact someone to take care of dd, but I'm really thinking this one will be private. This is my birth fantasy.

You have to honor your birth fantasy. It's really, very, incredibly, important that you have the environment you need to birth a child. You need to be free to scream your head off (which I found very helpful during dd's birth which, might I add, was relatively pain free... just felt really good to make LOTS of noise) or be very quiet. You need to feel free to wonder around the house naked or stay tucked into your cave. You need to feel able to do what you need to do and if having a house full of people will inhibit that... LOCK THE DOOR.

Besides, your child's birth isn't about them.

Is the family flying in from out of state staying with you or in a hotel?

OH and another tidbit: a girlfriend of mine had an "overdue" baby... went into labor the day all her in-laws finally LEFT town. Your body may not allow you to birth if you're not feeling safe, which isn't good for anybody.

HTH!

 

[Victorian]

I had a hosptial/epi birth with the first too. When people brought that up I would say "that is why I am having a homebirth with a midwife - so that I will have the support that I need to birth naturally"

The only person that wanted to come to the birth that I didn't really want there for the labor (didn't mind the pushing stage) was my MIL. What we did is have the midwives tell dh when to call her so that she would see the birth maybe or arrive soon after. As it turned out she walked in the door and I pushed ds out 5 minutes later. If was perfect. I did have 2 midwives, apprentice, dh, good friend that is an apprentice for another midwife there. In the house was my sister and my dd. Most of the time I was upstairs with dh and the support group was downstairs listen to music, eating and talking. I could hear them in the corner of my conscious and it was reassuring. The apprentice come up and did FHT every once and a while. I needed everyone there when transition hit.

So I guess that what I am saying is: if everyone is staying somewhere else, and you call them too late to make the birth....ooops. They can clean up do some laudry and make you some soup.

We had a long birth with dd (30 hours - 6 of those hours at 8 cent. before the epidural which I had for about an hour) and just told MIL that we waited so long to call because I didn't want everyone there is I had another long labor. Labor and birth turned about to be about 8 hours this time.

Victorian

 

[fourgrtkidos]

I have needed to be solitary wiith my births and then allow everyone in as I am pushing. I think it should be a party a welcoming into the family. But, EVERYONE IS ENTITILED TO BIRTH THE WAY THAT IS BEST FOR THEM. Your birth will be easier and faster and most comfortable if it happens how you need it to.

Be strong. Tell everyone what you need.

 

[2+twins]

Don't tell them when you go into labor. It's that simple. This is your birth - not theirs. They will have to get over it.

 

[Faith]

I am in the same situation!

No one has the right to invite themselves to your birth! They don't even have the right to invite themselves over for dinner, let alone one of the most meaningful moments of your life that you can never recapture! (Not to mention you might want a little privacy to be naked or make noise or get to know your baby!)

I wouldn't care if certain family flew in and stayed in a hotel, and came over to visit (when I was NOT in labor) and then after the birth what I called them and said it was a good time, even if it was the next day or so. You are not obligated to do anything. They try to make it about the baby, but like the baby cares that they are there!

It is all about them and they know it and you know it.

I have had two births allready and the thing I regret most is the feeling like I had to be nice and accomodating and hostess to every other person on the planet who left like showing up, while I was one sitting on chux pads with a few-hours-old baby who was learning to nurse. Not fun, and no mom should have to deal with visitors until they are ready.

 

[fromscatteredtribe]

stacey,

while i understand you not wanting to offend them, take it from the woman who allowed her mother-in-law to keep a reservation for a 7 WEEK stay in the third bedroom of our 1200 sq foot apartment, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE DAMAGED IF YOU DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WISH.

with my first homebirth i knew i was in labor even though it was super mild while i still was composed enough to fake it for twenty minutes of so. when your labor is advanced enough perhaps you could send your daughter out with step-mom and other relatives and say that you are dying for a nap and wondered if they could take her to the splash park or the mall playspace and out for lunch or something. then you could progress for awhile. if you want your daughter back for the end of the birth maybe you could ask them to drop off daughter in three hours or so and have dh answer the door saying you are in the bathroom/taking a bath/still resting/ still sick, something and he answers the door and says thanks. we'll call tomorrow. we must have dinner, or something like that. then when you break the news you could say it all happened so fast or in the middle of the night or something.

i think while people love to see newborns, they don't love to see birthing at home. at a hospital there are people rushing around cleaning up, the smells go away fast, and it feels pretty and neat (horrible to me, but to the medically minded).

my dh was in flight from arizona when ds3 was born in our chicago living room. my mom was there. she stayed in the other room with the sleeping kids until she knew that baby was all the way out and she came in cut the cord and dressed him...how fun is that. she hated the idea of homebirth but by the next day was telling her friend that she shouldn't worry about her own daughter's homebirth that it was perfectly safe and nice.

think about what you want and ignore my escape plan if you wish, but i think you will regret it if you let them all hang out and it makes it less peaceful and relaxing for you. i think you will work it out just fine.

most of my homebirthin friends have had their babies middle of the night when everyone was sleeping and had family over in the morn.

i wish you the best

 

[indiana ima]

oy, have all these thought-provoking posts convinced you yet? as nancy reagan used to say "JUST SAY NO". you have SO got to do this your way. it's your house, your baby, your labor and your birth. tell them however you can, and as often as you need to, and lie about what is going on during labor if you have to, but DON"T let friends and/or relatives railroad you into something like this! oy oy oy!!!

it was hard for me to say and not exactly easy for her to hear, but i told my mother a couple of months ago that she wasn't invited to this birth. she just wouldn't be helpful, for a lot of reasons, but primarily because she wouldn't deal well with seeing me, her darling baby girl, in pain. i may be 36 years old but i'm always gonna be her darling baby girl on some level.

when i explained it that way she decided this meant she was a good mommy and felt better about it all. and she is a good mother, and i love her bunches. but she isn't invited to this birth.

 

[3 little birds]

I found that one of the advatages to having a homebirth to a hospital birth is that I can keep people out of my house, I can't keep them out of a hospital.

We planned in advance who would be at the birth, one ended up sick, so she didn't come and the other ended up acting as the birth assistant, as the regular one didn't make it in time. I did not tell any family that I was in labor. After the baby was born we called them. Yes, their feelings were hurt, but they weren't supportive and/or I knew their presence would bother me.

They got over it and I wouldn't change anything.

 

[katja]

Would everyone really be so hurt if you just told them you really need your privacy to give birth? It seems perfectly understandable. I told my mom that, and even though she was disappointed, she understood that it had nothing to do with her. I think honesty here would be a lot more practicable than clever ruses and distractions.

 

[fromscatteredtribe]

I guess my distraction plan was intended more to give mama what she needed a little reflective time and quiet and give the relatives a story to tell (we weren't there for the birth but we hung out with big sister that day mom was in labor and we had such fun, by the next morning the baby had arrived and we came over and helped clean while mom and baby rested....) mama keeps relatives busy playing a role and she gets them out of the house. i suppose being honest makes more sense and is more responsible but there's less of a story to tell. maybe be honest and say the best thing you could do mom is take sis out for a few hours when labor gets going and bring her back in time to see baby come out. we will probably all need a few hours of rest and will call you as soon as we can have visitors. you have to "need" them to do something or their stories will focus on the exclusion ...imo

and even if you want big sis there, labor can be really long and dh needs to be with you. my dh was in flight when i had ds3, but my mom was there for a few hours in case sleeping boys woke. once ds2 woke up to nurse and grandma cuddled him after. mom's energies need to be focused on birthing and partner on mom. my midwife's opinion and mine.....

 

[Changed]

Oh I'm in the same boat.

 

[momto l&a]

I would have a hissy hit fit if anybody but dh the mw her helper, our kids and their care person (whoever that maybe) where there.

I know my mw has said before that she would be that bad guy and throw out anybody I didnt want there.

But we dont have problems with people wanting to be there, thankfully. Thought my in-laws might be there one time but they got discusted when we didnt know when the baby would come :LOL (there other dil has all planned

)