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I was essentially GD'd. I wasn't spanked (OK, ONCE my mom tapped me on the butt over my diaper - I was about 7 months - she freaked out when I crawled into a fireplace they were building. She says it was just a gut/visceral/fear reaction, but then she cried for about a half hour after she did it because she was so upset, and never laid a pinkie on me from that day on. She said I didn't even flinch or cry, but she was traumatized that she had done it - ha!)

My mom didn't use time out, and didn't yell either. Then again, my parents never yelled at each other in front of me either, I think they're both just laid back that way, nonconfrontational (which actually didn't help me in conflict resolution as an adult, I've had to find my own way since I never even saw them solve disagreements in front of me - so I have mixed feelings about that).

Having said that all that, though, my mom was definitely "the boss"; I'm kind of new to the mechanics of GD, but I think from what I understand there is more of a "partnership" or collaboration/give and take between parent and child in GD (please correct me if I'm wrong), whereas my mom was definitely in charge, it was not a democracy...but I don't have a problem with that, really, and I never resented her for it....I know that she didn't spend a lot of time explaining things to me (but she didn't use "because I said so", though), just basically would outline things and give a brief explanation if warranted, but then that was pretty much it and what she said went...until I was much, much older, a teenager, and sometimes would negotiate with them over big things, and they would listen. My dad pretty much just went along with my mom's style, he never laid a hand on me, never yelled at me, and always made me feel like I was special and important to him.

The other main difference in the way I was raised, from GD as I understand it, is that I was praised, but not OVERpraised (which is where I think the problem is). I knew my mom and dad were proud of my accomplishments, but I also knew that their love was not conditional on being proud of me (and I knew the sun didn't rise and set on me, or that I was a wonderful person if I sneezed - i.e., the whole overpraise thing)...I knew that even if they were disappointed in something I had done, they still loved ME and that would NEVER be contingent on my actions. As she said one time when I was a teen, "I may not like what you do sometimes, but I will always LOVE you." I think my mom and dad both did an excellent job of motivating me externally AND intrinsically, because I do have strong internal motivators and get personal satisfaction out of doing things, but I also like the feeling *I* get *inside myself* when I make other people happy or proud of me, and I don't think there's ANYTHING wrong with that.

So, I guess I was "basically" GD'd...and I have a feeling I will be raising my children fairly close to the way she raised me.....with just a few minor tweaks(like the above mentioned conflict resolution, I think it's important for kids to learn how to do that....). I basically had a wonderful childhood, and am thankful every day for that!

No time to proof, apologize for any typos....


I wanted to add that I am truly sorry for all of you out there who had rough/sad childhoods...
 

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hahahahahahaha! uh... no.

my mom was a single mom, going to med school, raising two kids. She screamed like a banshee, called us all sorts of horrible names and slammed cupboards to beat the band. But... she wasn't a hitter thank goodness.

NOW I can sympathize with her. She was not in a happy place BUT I still bear the scars of being berated. Yelling and and name calling are as bad as hitting in my book. I am trying very hard not to pass the legacy.

BTW, she's a FANTASTIC grandma. She's apologized to me and is now, many years later in a totally different place herself.
 

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Just the other day I was talking w/mom and dh about a friend who spanks. (you may remember the "Absolutely at a loss" thread?) Well, my mom was very sure of herself when she said "I never hit any of my kids." OMG, she is dilusional. Not only did she spank, but she beat me once w/a belt at age 8! I stoled batteries for my Baby Alive doll, LOL, as no one would take me to the store to get them as promised. My sister washed my mouth out w/soap once for calling my mom a bitch. (I never said that word again) And we were quite the yelling family. Luckily I spent a lot of time w/my gp's who were much quieter yet spanked, but I never gave them a reason to do so. They didn't ignore me. I am a GDer. I raise my voice from time to time. The other day ds and I were having a not so fun day, kwim? And I told him he really needed to stop whining and he told me I needed to stop yelling. Imagine my 3.8 yr old being totally correct.
 

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I don't think I would say I was. I did get some spankings, and my mom did ground me (well, she tried to anyway
: ) There was much power struggling between her and I. I finally got to a point where I told her if she was going to continue to hit me then I felt I should be able to defend myself, and that I would hit her back next time. It was a strange moment...but she never spanked me again. She later apologized for alot of things, and was very gentle and kind to my children


As non GD as all the above sounds she did give me alot of freedoms and respect that I found other kids didn't have. I could watch alot of what I wanted without her input, she never tried to control what I ate, and she respected my choices on what to wear. After about age 10 or I don't think I had a real bedtime.
 

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my brothers and i were.

my parents used a punishment should fit the crime theory. although i didn't really get into much trouble so i don't remember much. my mother decided that grounding wasn't for after saying we couldn't go to a friend's house when i was two. she missed out on adult interaction and was stuck home with an angry two year-old. that was the end of grounding. if i could make her that miserable at two, she wasn't going to try grounding with a teenager. i have no idea what i did, but i made an impact. and twice i wasn't allowed to go to the mall with just friends for a month because i had gone somewhere without letting my parents know. (both times i honestly believed they did know where i was going.) but it was explained to me that not going to the mall was about responsibility which i had not been able to show by wandering off. but i was also the kid with no cerfew. (i had a de facto cerfew because i didn't drive and eventually everyone else had to go home so i did too.)

this all paid off for a bunch of my friends when i got into college because i had learned how to communicate the responsibility angle to my parents. so i explained how to say, "look, i've been living on my own in the dorms or ten months without a cerfew so i'm not used to having a time i need to be home by. i understand that you are used to me having a cerfew and would like to figure out a way that we can both be happy and comfortable while i'm home n break. i don't want you to worry. let's see what we can come up with." (it really worked. a friend, who was a reseident adviser in the dorms, and i used to do it was aprogram before breaks during the school year to much success and thanks.)
 

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: oh goodness, not me
: My husband either. My husband's folks were belt people. My folks were whatever you could get your hands on to beat with people. Both our mothers (my case grandmother) were screamers, always yelling - both very angry miserable women.
 

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I was. My mom never talked down to me or shamed me. I had time outs that consisted of me going into my room to calm down (which work really well for me to this day.) I was spanked once when I called my mom a b**** and walked into traffic.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by donosmommy04
I was essentially GD'd. I wasn't spanked (OK, ONCE my mom tapped me on the butt over my diaper - I was about 7 months - she freaked out when I crawled into a fireplace they were building. She says it was just a gut/visceral/fear reaction, but then she cried for about a half hour after she did it because she was so upset, and never laid a pinkie on me from that day on. She said I didn't even flinch or cry, but she was traumatized that she had done it - ha!)

My mom didn't use time out, and didn't yell either. Then again, my parents never yelled at each other in front of me either, I think they're both just laid back that way, nonconfrontational (which actually didn't help me in conflict resolution as an adult, I've had to find my own way since I never even saw them solve disagreements in front of me - so I have mixed feelings about that).

Having said that all that, though, my mom was definitely "the boss"; I'm kind of new to the mechanics of GD, but I think from what I understand there is more of a "partnership" or collaboration/give and take between parent and child in GD (please correct me if I'm wrong), whereas my mom was definitely in charge, it was not a democracy...but I don't have a problem with that, really, and I never resented her for it....I know that she didn't spend a lot of time explaining things to me (but she didn't use "because I said so", though), just basically would outline things and give a brief explanation if warranted, but then that was pretty much it and what she said went...until I was much, much older, a teenager, and sometimes would negotiate with them over big things, and they would listen. My dad pretty much just went along with my mom's style, he never laid a hand on me, never yelled at me, and always made me feel like I was special and important to him.

The other main difference in the way I was raised, from GD as I understand it, is that I was praised, but not OVERpraised (which is where I think the problem is). I knew my mom and dad were proud of my accomplishments, but I also knew that their love was not conditional on being proud of me (and I knew the sun didn't rise and set on me, or that I was a wonderful person if I sneezed - i.e., the whole overpraise thing)...I knew that even if they were disappointed in something I had done, they still loved ME and that would NEVER be contingent on my actions. As she said one time when I was a teen, "I may not like what you do sometimes, but I will always LOVE you." I think my mom and dad both did an excellent job of motivating me externally AND intrinsically, because I do have strong internal motivators and get personal satisfaction out of doing things, but I also like the feeling *I* get *inside myself* when I make other people happy or proud of me, and I don't think there's ANYTHING wrong with that.

So, I guess I was "basically" GD'd...and I have a feeling I will be raising my children fairly close to the way she raised me.....with just a few minor tweaks(like the above mentioned conflict resolution, I think it's important for kids to learn how to do that....). I basically had a wonderful childhood, and am thankful every day for that!

No time to proof, apologize for any typos....


I wanted to add that I am truly sorry for all of you out there who had rough/sad childhoods...


I was raised the same way. Loved it. And am rasing my kids the same way. Even though I believe in a parents in charge type of parenting, I still consider it GD (not AP or TCS though)
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
i think those of us who are raising our children having come from terrible upbringings shoud be extremely proud that we are not passing on the legacy of abuse to our children...the abuse ends with us...yeah!!!
 

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hmmm. sort of.

i was spanked twice as a child. really walloped by my mother when i was two - "You went across the kitchen," she said. She never hit me during my childhood again.

My father hit me once when he thought I had hit a younger child. When he discovered I didn't he apologized. Mind you, I was 4 and this was a *long* time ago....Pretty exceptional.

There was a lot a controlling and criticism though. Lots of yelling and screaming on my mother's part. Adolescence was hell. I wasn't even that rebellious, but my parents were older and we just couldn't bridge the gap. My mother slapped me across the face more than once during some hellish fights. When I retaliated and slapped her back, she was stunned. "You should never raise your hand to your parents - it should drop off!" I responded that hers should do the same for hitting*me*. Looking back, it didn't help that she hit menopause when I first got my period - the hormones were running high.

She was and is still pretty miserable, though. Makes me wonder how I am going to deal with my son's adolesence - and grateful that I don't have a daughter. (I am not proud to feel this way....hope to change this.)

My father was a pretty great dad, and is a wonderful grandfather. I always felt like he was more of a "mother" than my mother. More nurturing, patient, and respectful of my self.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by starlein26
i think those of us who are raising our children having come from terrible upbringings shoud be extremely proud that we are not passing on the legacy of abuse to our children...the abuse ends with us...yeah!!!

i think you're right.
but i am feeling like such a failure these days...impatient, yelling, nasty tone of voice (that i hear coming back to me from dd
)

i want so badly to use gd consistently, and i don't hit or call names, but i am not where i want or need to be and feel at a loss.

i am working on it, i am getting better, at least i am not parenting all the ways my mother did
 

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aww hugs...sometimes it's just hard to be patient all the time.

I was never spanked and my father was the gentlest soul on earth...so gentle and respectful...he never punished us...ever...

my mother was impatient and nasty with words and I heard a lot of "you will never be anything", lazy, etc etc.

She was very concerned about what others were saying rather than whether we were happy or well adjusted...we always felt rather like nuisances...in the way...my brother and sister and I have talked about it...she's still annoyed by the grandchildren and we live 2400miles away and visit every couple years and she complains about the noise etc....so much so that I will stay at the inlaws when I visit again, my brother always stays at his inlaws and my sister has a house in her home town she stays in...we don't feel welcome...and she worries what people say because we don't stay with her...but we just don't feel welcome and don't want our children feeling that way.

It's funny...she was threatening and sarcastic and nasty and dad was gentle and not at all punitive and I always listened to my dad and did all sorts of things she disapproved of behind her back...lol...and I have told her so :LOL

I work so hard to be like my dad...but it's not an attainable goal...he was much better naturally...I have to work at it...

BUT I am better than my mother...eons away from her...my children know they are wanted and valued and if I am impatient and lose it I apologise and tell them I am sorry and just human and I will try harder...I don't think children expect perfect parents...just good parents who value them as people because they are not perfect.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
it's definitely *not* going to come easily to those of us who were abused but i think it's a worthwhile endeavor...i consider myself a work in progress! i already know i'll be better to my second child...and probably my third too!! i don't want to capitulate because it's 'easier' to do what i know...kwim...
 

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I was for the most part. My mom spanked me once but she really built up to it and I got this huge lecture and I was so scared and she actually put me over her knee and then just tapped my butt. I was kind of mad that I had all that build up and fear and it didn't even hurt.
BUT I went to boarding school and endured some instances of physical punishment. I had a tendency to hit back and was considered a problem child.
So my background is a bit confusing. No breech of trust or physical violations to my body from my mother, but plenty of scrapping and fighting and physical stuff going on at school. And they were always writing on my report cards that I didn't trust and respect adults. Gee. Wonder why. I once got expelled for a week for kicking my teacher in the crotch and gouging flesh out of her arms after she backhanded me across the face. I got congratulated when I arrived home for my "vacation."
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Proudly AP
i think you're right.
but i am feeling like such a failure these days...impatient, yelling, nasty tone of voice (that i hear coming back to me from dd
)

i want so badly to use gd consistently, and i don't hit or call names, but i am not where i want or need to be and feel at a loss.

i am working on it, i am getting better, at least i am not parenting all the ways my mother did

I was raised pretty GD but I still feel like a failure some days. I'm reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline right now and it's really helping me. It's giving me a lot of tools to work on myself and my own issues so they don't get projected onto my children. This is really helping me find peace in myself and in my home. The kids are noticing a difference.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by kavamamakava
I was raised pretty GD but I still feel like a failure some days. I'm reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline right now and it's really helping me. It's giving me a lot of tools to work on myself and my own issues so they don't get projected onto my children. This is really helping me find peace in myself and in my home. The kids are noticing a difference.
i wonder if i should add this to my ever-expanding book collection. thanks for the tip
 
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