not me that's for sure...
Originally Posted by donosmommy04
I was essentially GD'd. I wasn't spanked (OK, ONCE my mom tapped me on the butt over my diaper - I was about 7 months - she freaked out when I crawled into a fireplace they were building. She says it was just a gut/visceral/fear reaction, but then she cried for about a half hour after she did it because she was so upset, and never laid a pinkie on me from that day on. She said I didn't even flinch or cry, but she was traumatized that she had done it - ha!)
My mom didn't use time out, and didn't yell either. Then again, my parents never yelled at each other in front of me either, I think they're both just laid back that way, nonconfrontational (which actually didn't help me in conflict resolution as an adult, I've had to find my own way since I never even saw them solve disagreements in front of me - so I have mixed feelings about that).
Having said that all that, though, my mom was definitely "the boss"; I'm kind of new to the mechanics of GD, but I think from what I understand there is more of a "partnership" or collaboration/give and take between parent and child in GD (please correct me if I'm wrong), whereas my mom was definitely in charge, it was not a democracy...but I don't have a problem with that, really, and I never resented her for it....I know that she didn't spend a lot of time explaining things to me (but she didn't use "because I said so", though), just basically would outline things and give a brief explanation if warranted, but then that was pretty much it and what she said went...until I was much, much older, a teenager, and sometimes would negotiate with them over big things, and they would listen. My dad pretty much just went along with my mom's style, he never laid a hand on me, never yelled at me, and always made me feel like I was special and important to him.
The other main difference in the way I was raised, from GD as I understand it, is that I was praised, but not OVERpraised (which is where I think the problem is). I knew my mom and dad were proud of my accomplishments, but I also knew that their love was not conditional on being proud of me (and I knew the sun didn't rise and set on me, or that I was a wonderful person if I sneezed - i.e., the whole overpraise thing)...I knew that even if they were disappointed in something I had done, they still loved ME and that would NEVER be contingent on my actions. As she said one time when I was a teen, "I may not like what you do sometimes, but I will always LOVE you." I think my mom and dad both did an excellent job of motivating me externally AND intrinsically, because I do have strong internal motivators and get personal satisfaction out of doing things, but I also like the feeling *I* get *inside myself* when I make other people happy or proud of me, and I don't think there's ANYTHING wrong with that.
So, I guess I was "basically" GD'd...and I have a feeling I will be raising my children fairly close to the way she raised me.....with just a few minor tweaks(like the above mentioned conflict resolution, I think it's important for kids to learn how to do that....). I basically had a wonderful childhood, and am thankful every day for that!
No time to proof, apologize for any typos....
I wanted to add that I am truly sorry for all of you out there who had rough/sad childhoods...
Originally Posted by starlein26
i think those of us who are raising our children having come from terrible upbringings shoud be extremely proud that we are not passing on the legacy of abuse to our children...the abuse ends with us...yeah!!!
Originally Posted by Proudly AP
i think you're right.
but i am feeling like such a failure these days...impatient, yelling, nasty tone of voice (that i hear coming back to me from dd
i want so badly to use gd consistently, and i don't hit or call names, but i am not where i want or need to be and feel at a loss.
i am working on it, i am getting better, at least i am not parenting all the ways my mother did
Originally Posted by kavamamakava
I was raised pretty GD but I still feel like a failure some days. I'm reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline right now and it's really helping me. It's giving me a lot of tools to work on myself and my own issues so they don't get projected onto my children. This is really helping me find peace in myself and in my home. The kids are noticing a difference.