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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This all transpired yesterday evening, so I'm still kind of mulling over the details, and still have a feeling of "not-closed-the-loopedness".<br><br>
My DH left for a 3 day business trip (not unusual) Monday morning, visitation schedule with his 3 boys is Tuesday 5pm-8am Wednesday, Thursday 5pm-8am Friday and EOW (5pm Fri-6pm Sun). BM lives 10 minutes away, btw. So, since BM wanted to teach some community center craft class, I offered to pick up the boys when I got off work and made it to this side of town (which would have been between 6-6:30pm), no biggie, she arranged to have her friend Kim be there at the boys' house while she left for her class.<br><br>
I showed up at 6:20 and while still in my van, this friend Kim (my name as well <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ) comes up to me with a plastic bag and immediately starts talking to me in this wicked snarky tone "I'm Kim, and BM told me to tell you that DSS-10 has been having a bit of a breathing issue, and here's the meds and the inhaler and nebulizer, etc.....what's wrong??? You look like you can't handle this?" (I must have had a "deer in the headlights" look on my face! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> )<br><br>
I just said to her, verbatim, that I'm not comfortable with medicating the child with medications that I'm most unfamiliar with. My own son has only had a couple of minor colds in his life, so breathing apparatus' are foreign to me. She just shrugged, and got DSS-10 and told him he would have to do it himself. He was fine with it, and we had a discussion in the van on the way to our house regarding it, and he was very much fine with that route, as he was familiar with the apparatus and the dosage was basically pre-measured. No problem, I got his Dad on the phone and explained the situation to him, he was put on speaker, we had a family conference about what DSS-10 was comfortable with and that was that.<br><br>
FF to 8:30pm--all the boys are in pjs and getting ready for bed, DING DONG....doorbell. Guess who? Yup, BM. Standing on my front steps saying she was there to pick up the boys. Argh. I didn't fuss, just went downstairs (left her on the front step....yeah, I know...a little passive-aggressive on my part--shame, shame) got the boys (who were pissed at having to leave) and I asked them to excuse us get in her van so she and I could talk for a minute. I asked her why she deemed it necessary to come get them (please bear in mind, this is the chick who looks for ANY excuse to pawn the kids off on people) as everyone was settled in for the night. She stated that her friend told her that I was "unwilling to administer to the needs of her child". What a load of crap. Had the kid had a breathing problem (which is the only time this medication would have to administered--no asthma, btw) I would have handled it, the only thing I am leery of is the legal repercussions...as a SM, I have no legal rights to those kids. I'm not even sure I could release them to an ambulance, I would hope that in an true emergency situation that would not be a hinderance.<br><br>
But, all that aside, I would have helped DSS-10 had the need arisen. Again, I didn't fuss (to be honest, I kind of liked having just my son there so we could have mom/son time) but it kind of left a disconcerted taste in my mouth. I told her that if it had been my son who was having a health issue with someone I didn't know all THAT well, I would kept him home instead of having him come for visitation.<br><br>
All that said....how would you (SMs here) have handled the situation? On one hand, I can see the point (although, if she had her facts straight instead of the "friends" opinion she probably would have left well enough alone) on the other hand....it just plain irked me, for lack of a better expression.<br><br>
Of course, I called DH and told him "you know who" just picked up the SKids...he was aghast, but what could he do? He was 700 miles away and his ex over-reacts to EVERYTHING.<br><br>
Anyhow, sorry to rant on and on....haven't had this situation come up in the 2 years we've been together and some other perspectives might help me reconcile.<br><br>
TIA,<br>
Kim
 

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Well... I don't think I could do anything other than what you did.<br>
If I am uncomfortable with medication - I won't administer it, and I'll be upfront about it. If DSD's dad is far away - I usually don't pick her up (happened only once in six years, we had a great time, but I knew that her mom would never allow a sleepover with "evil" SM).<br><br>
What else can ya do? Tell the kids it's time to go back to mom's, grin and bear. I find it smart to let the parents to sort these things out, I won't get in the middle of BM trying to get her kids, and I know she has quite an opinion about us, and that won't change regardless of what I say or do. So arguments are pointless..<br><br>
You did well. Don't let your DH to get worked up over this, you can't change bm, there are bigger battles to fight *hugs*
 

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DSD lives with us half the time, so if she was on any sort of medication, I am pretty certain that both DF and I would know the ins and outs of its administration. But, she's only four.<br><br>
Also, most of my adult career-hood was spent in the pharmacy biz, so I am pretty knowledgeable about meds.<br><br>
If I had been in BM's place, I would never have sent a child for visitation without explicit instructions regarding the medication. To me, it seems like a phone call from her to you (or at least your dh, so he could pass the info on to you) would have been all that was needed. Even a detailed note would have gotten it across.
 

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There were only two points I thought of after reading your post.<br>
1) Why would your husband's child be visiting his house when he's not even there? Regardless of preplanned visitation schedule, it just seems silly for him to visit when his dad's not there.<br>
2) Power of Attorney, singed by your husband, will ensure you have the ability to make decisions in the absence of either bioparent.
 

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OK, two points.<br>
1) As the parent of an asthmatic child, paramedics will treat to the needs of a child with absolutely no regard to whether you give consent or not. Asthma (I know you said this isn't what's going on) kills more children than cancer, and the assumption that's made is that a child is asthmatic until proven otherwise. ANY breathing difficulty can kill, if it's severe enough.<br><br>
2) In BM's shoes, I'd do the same thing. I know a lot of people freak out around breathing difficulties and go running round like headless chickens, which really makes things worse for the kids. My kids SM has a lower comfort threshold for treating at home than I do, and if Isaac is struggling on a visit, he tends to be straight into hospital and on a nebuliser regardless of what daddy thinks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> (at least, that's how he tells it.) Then again, I have access to more meds than they do- my GP's recommended that we don't send the oral steroids up there. Tough one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
If I have this right, your DH was away on business at a time when he normally cares for his children and she normally works? An easier solution next time might be for him to pay for her babysitter. Just a thought.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Abi's Mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8972497"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">There were only two points I thought of after reading your post.<br>
1) Why would your husband's child be visiting his house when he's not even there? Regardless of preplanned visitation schedule, it just seems silly for him to visit when his dad's not there.<br>
2) Power of Attorney, singed by your husband, will ensure you have the ability to make decisions in the absence of either bioparent.</div>
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Re:<br>
1) The children were having regular visitation only due to the fact that BM was teaching (this is a voluntary position, btw) this one class and didn't have alternate child-care arrangements. So, typically when DH is gone and it falls during regularly scheduled visitation, she just keeps the kiddos. Which I don't mind...it's a break for me too!<br><br>
2) Great idea! Does the POA need to have BM's signature as well? Or just Dads?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>flapjack</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8974125"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">OK, two points.<br>
1) As the parent of an asthmatic child, paramedics will treat to the needs of a child with absolutely no regard to whether you give consent or not. Asthma (I know you said this isn't what's going on) kills more children than cancer, and the assumption that's made is that a child is asthmatic until proven otherwise. ANY breathing difficulty can kill, if it's severe enough.<br><br>
2) In BM's shoes, I'd do the same thing. I know a lot of people freak out around breathing difficulties and go running round like headless chickens, which really makes things worse for the kids. My kids SM has a lower comfort threshold for treating at home than I do, and if Isaac is struggling on a visit, he tends to be straight into hospital and on a nebuliser regardless of what daddy thinks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> (at least, that's how he tells it.) Then again, I have access to more meds than they do- my GP's recommended that we don't send the oral steroids up there. Tough one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
If I have this right, your DH was away on business at a time when he normally cares for his children and she normally works? An easier solution next time might be for him to pay for her babysitter. Just a thought.</div>
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<br>
Yeah, me too. And I told her as much It runs hot and cold with her, and I don't know what her ulterior motives are at times, this was the first real sticky situation though....<br><br><br>
Thanks for the input, Mamas!!!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s:
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>SkiMama36</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8975805"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Re:<br>
1) The children were having regular visitation only due to the fact that BM was teaching (this is a voluntary position, btw) this one class and didn't have alternate child-care arrangements. So, typically when DH is gone and it falls during regularly scheduled visitation, she just keeps the kiddos. Which I don't mind...it's a break for me too!<br><br>
2) Great idea! Does the POA need to have BM's signature as well? Or just Dads?</div>
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1) After the way you just worded it, it sounds like BM was using you as a free babysitting service. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
2) Either parent can sign power of attorney. It just needs to be notarized.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Abi's Mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8978438"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">1) After the way you just worded it, it sounds like BM was using you as a free babysitting service. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
2) Either parent can sign power of attorney. It just needs to be notarized.</div>
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<br>
I have to disagree -- it sounds like Dad was using her as a free babysitting service -- after all he was the one responsible for watching the kids at this time, and therefore presumably for making alternative arrangements. This doesn't mean that it was innappropriate for him to ask her to do so, that's part of being married, but to blame it on BM is unfair, IMO.<br><br>
To be honest, as the parent of an asthmatic child I wouldn't leave my child overnight with someone who had a "deer in the headlights" look when asked to administer medication, or who asked a 10 year old to take on a responsibility that was judged too much for an adult. However, I also would have called before the visit to let you know the child was sick so you could have done whatever research would have made you comfortable. If I did end up picking up suddenly (let's say you initially sounded comfortable, but at pick up seemed more uncomfortable) I would have tried to be polite about it.
 

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i have never sent my child anyplace without a complete set of written instructions as to how meds ought to be adminisired and when. i'm a bit of a flake about some things but i also usuially try to include the package insirt w/ the number tot he pharmacy and doctors name on it. i'm pretty lax about most things having to do w/ daddy weekends but thats one ex usuially thanks me for. also i usuially call after the first day to see if there was any problem w/ figuring things out if he had to have more than one med.<br><br>
maybe you and or your Dh ought to ask her to do the same in the future.<br><br>
having had 1/2 brothers and such and having been a single mom it makes perfect sense to me that "visitation" would still happen if dad were away on business and the kid was going to dad's house to see step or 1/2 siblings. also, visitation gives single moms a much needed break where we can be sure the child is with family and well cared for.
 

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Whenever my dd is taking medication for something I make sure her father knows what she has to take, when and how much. I also write it down for him. If she's too sick then she just stays home. I think the BM having her friend just pass off the meds to you and say have fun is really irresponsible. Fine, maybe she couldn't be there to explain the meds to you in person, but having it all written down would have helped immensely.<br>
As for her picking the kids up, I think it's too bad that she couldn't have called ahead. It would have sufficed to clear up any problems concerning the meds on the phone, or to at least give you and the kids time to re-pack, get dressed, etc. Methinks this smacks of a power play. She thinks you're incompetent. She thinks the time you spend with her kids is insignificant. And she thinks it doesn't matter to you at all if she completely disrupts any plans you had for the weekend by just popping by unannounced to pick up the kids. I think it was quite rude. I could understand her being worried enough to stop by unannounced to explain the meds in person and offering to take her son home if necessary, but the way things went . . . I think she was incredibly rude.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Abi's Mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8978438"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">1) After the way you just worded it, it sounds like BM was using you as a free babysitting service. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
2) Either parent can sign power of attorney. It just needs to be notarized.</div>
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1) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: I think you are right....I try to rise above it since I sincerely love the little guys. It's definitely not the first time she's "used" me when it's convenient for her.<br><br>
2) Thanks for the info!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Terrilein</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9089283"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Whenever my dd is taking medication for something I make sure her father knows what she has to take, when and how much. I also write it down for him. If she's too sick then she just stays home. I think the BM having her friend just pass off the meds to you and say have fun is really irresponsible. Fine, maybe she couldn't be there to explain the meds to you in person, but having it all written down would have helped immensely.<br>
As for her picking the kids up, I think it's too bad that she couldn't have called ahead. It would have sufficed to clear up any problems concerning the meds on the phone, or to at least give you and the kids time to re-pack, get dressed, etc. Methinks this smacks of a power play. She thinks you're incompetent. She thinks the time you spend with her kids is insignificant. And she thinks it doesn't matter to you at all if she completely disrupts any plans you had for the weekend by just popping by unannounced to pick up the kids. I think it was quite rude. I could understand her being worried enough to stop by unannounced to explain the meds in person and offering to take her son home if necessary, but the way things went . . . I think she was incredibly rude.</div>
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Thank you! You just validated all that had went through my head and helped reconcile the loop for me!<br><br>
Everyone, your input has really helped!<br><br>
-Kim
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Momily</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9075774"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have to disagree -- it sounds like Dad was using her as a free babysitting service -- after all he was the one responsible for watching the kids at this time, and therefore presumably for making alternative arrangements. This doesn't mean that it was innappropriate for him to ask her to do so, that's part of being married, but to blame it on BM is unfair, IMO.<br><br>
To be honest, as the parent of an asthmatic child I wouldn't leave my child overnight with someone who had a "deer in the headlights" look when asked to administer medication, or who asked a 10 year old to take on a responsibility that was judged too much for an adult. However, I also would have called before the visit to let you know the child was sick so you could have done whatever research would have made you comfortable. If I did end up picking up suddenly (let's say you initially sounded comfortable, but at pick up seemed more uncomfortable) I would have tried to be polite about it.</div>
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First para: Dad was not using me as a free babysitting service! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> That's pretty laughable, actually. I was doing a favor to all parties involved, and she changed the game plan (significantly, I might add) by choosing to teach her "art" class over staying at home with a sick kid. Had the situation been reversed, I would have stayed home, missed my class and let the other two go home with the step-parent to play with half-brother and spend the night as per the status quo.<br><br>
Second para: My deer in the headlights look was completely understandable since my child has never had a significant medical issue (knock on wood) and I'm not familiar with these types of appartus or meds. Again, the friend had plenty of time to ring up the BM on the cell and let her know that I was uncomfortable with the situation and she would have had plenty of time to cancel the class and turn around and take care of her child. She didn't. I held up my end of the deal so she could get out and she changed the rules. Period.<br><br>
I'm not losing any more sleep over this one....picking my battles far more cautiously here on out. (DH is traveling again this month, over a visitation day and I've politely pre-emptively declined any and all child-care obligations for that time period. I know I'll get a phone call from BM asking to watch the kids, but c'est le vie). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
-Kim
 

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Kim,<br><br>
I'm sorry I think I worded things badly.<br><br>
I didn't mean that your husband was "using" you in any negative way. I simply feel that if he's agreed to provide childcare for these classes then it's his responsibility to find a replacement. Of course it's natural that he asked you to do so -- it's part of the reciprocal relationship. I took the other poster as "how dare she ask you or expect you to . . ." when I feel like he was the one who asked/expected which was certainly fair enough.<br><br>
As to the "deer in the headlights look" I'm not blaming you -- if something's scary it's scary. However, as a parent, my child's safety comes first. My son has asthma and takes several medications -- if I sent him somewhere and later got the feeling that the person I sent him to was uncomfortable I'd pick him up. Not because I was angry at that person or judging that person, but because I knw that asthma care is challenging and that it's more challenging when you're anxious about it. However, in this case I would have called (if I were her) to fill you in and hopefully alleviate the anxiety.<br><br>
Momily
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Momily</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9097343"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Kim,<br>
I took the other poster as "how dare she ask you or expect you to . . ." when I feel like he was the one who asked/expected which was certainly fair enough.</div>
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That's not what I said.<br>
Read below. I bolded the parts that stuck out to me, which I replied to.<br>
I've bolded what I said... I never said how dare she ....<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>SkiMama36</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8975805"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Re:<br>
1) <b>The children were having regular visitation</b> <b><span style="font-size:medium;"><i>only due to the fact that BM was teaching</i></span></b> (this is a voluntary position, btw) this one class <b>and didn't have alternate child-care arrangements.</b> So, typically <b>when DH is gone and it falls during regularly scheduled visitation, she just keeps the kiddos.</b> Which I don't mind...it's a break for me too!</div>
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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Abi's Mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8978438"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">1) After the way you just worded it, <b>it sounds like BM was using you as a free babysitting service</b>.</div>
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Momily</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9097343"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Kim,<br><br>
I'm sorry I think I worded things badly.<br><br>
I didn't mean that your husband was "using" you in any negative way. I simply feel that if he's agreed to provide childcare for these classes then it's his responsibility to find a replacement. Of course it's natural that he asked you to do so -- it's part of the reciprocal relationship. I took the other poster as "how dare she ask you or expect you to . . ." when I feel like he was the one who asked/expected which was certainly fair enough.<br><br>
As to the "deer in the headlights look" I'm not blaming you -- if something's scary it's scary. However, as a parent, my child's safety comes first. My son has asthma and takes several medications -- if I sent him somewhere and later got the feeling that the person I sent him to was uncomfortable I'd pick him up. Not because I was angry at that person or judging that person, but because I knw that asthma care is challenging and that it's more challenging when you're anxious about it. However, in this case I would have called (if I were her) to fill you in and hopefully alleviate the anxiety.<br><br>
Momily</div>
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Momily,<br>
Thanks for clarifying, wasn't necessary (as I've gotten a much thicker skin lately! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">) but was nice of you all the same. I did want to mention though that DH's didn't sign up to watch the boys while she taught this class, it just happened to fall on a regular visitation day, so I felt it was OK that I step in and offer to take the boys for their usual day away from BM.<br><br>
No offense taken, BTW regarding my deer in the headlights look. I agree completely with your statements regarding our kids' safety coming first.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
-Kim
 

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My DSD has asthma and we are very cautious about her meds and treatment. I think it was really negligent for BM to have you take him without further knowledge of the problem, why he is having the problem breathing, and the medication. There are instructions taped on to DSD's asthma stuff explaining everything in detail. If she was having a problem breathing I would not be sending her anywhere and I wouldn't be teaching any classes. I don't think you were in the wrong for stating you were not comfortable but I don't think she was wrong for coming to pick them up either.
 

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Get a power of Attorney so you dont have to worry about emergencies.<br><br>
I am sorry BM opted to just show up how very inconsiderate.<br><br>
I think its great you are willing to participate in the kids life even when your Dh isnt home.<br>
I am a step Mom of 10 years and luckily my SD has always just been part of our family regardless of DH being here or not.
 

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It does sound a bit like the whole "free babysitting" is true. I can understand her being worried if you didn't appear confident about the medication (and I am sure her snarky friend made it sound much worse than it was too), but I am hopeful she didn't hear about it from the friend until after her class was over because it is silly for her to pick them up because she was uncomfortable if she was fine to leave them with you for a couple hours already. I do agree with whoever said that she could at least have called you before she came over, it would have been a lot easier on everyone.
 
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