[ann_of_loxley]

Not a question post or a rant post - just a post really! lol...

So - socialisation. The #1 steriotypical thing mentioned/questioned when people find out you 'home educate'. Of course, we all know the 'truth'...
And then you have a child like mine, who actually does not want to socialise.

Okay, he has sensory issues and actually might be somewhere on the spectrum (thats hit and miss for me - I mean some weeks I am sure and some months I am sure he is not but that another story!) - a 'diagnosis' is not something I really think I want and/or that we need (ever - perhaps - and if we ever ever ever bothered to get one, it would be to shut a lot of people up ...) ...its what to say to those who are too narrowminded to see past 'naughty' and 'manipulative'. I think if I actually parenting more 'mainstream', they might see past those 'lables' (I have a friend who goes on about 'socialisation' to me and how my DS is just 'easy' - omg ...he is NOT! lol - but with one of our more, much more, mainstream friends, she is certain something is 'wrong' with her DS - thinks he has ADHD...it can't be the parenting and he is in school...because she does everything right - and I don't...strange hippies that we are and all fo that - I am only ever suggested that DS might be 'manipulating' me

:

) and see DS for who he really is. But I like to socialise so we compromise. Count out the loud/busy areas. At least one of the great things about home educating is that we can go when most of the child population is in school - meaning we can do the fun stuff without all the 'loud' and 'busy'.
I was actually sick yesterday - a nervous/worry kind of sick. There was a 'thing' in the park today -easter thing. For children. Food, games, bouncy castle, all of that. I thought we would go. Show our faces. DS has a few friends going he could see. Perhaps he would actually have fun - it was a nice sunny day. We were there for half an hour - and 25 mintues of that was before anything got started and there was hardly anyone there. Then it got busy - and loud - and they put up the bouncy castle. He is excited to see one but won't go anywhere near one. Its loud ...and the whole bouncing idea...

hehe... So we just sat in our pushchair withdrawn. 'Is he tired?'. No. Please don't touch him, he will just scream. Well...you know...I warned you. 'I want to go home' - So we went home. Hey - there goes the home educating freaks who don't socialise! (no one actually says this - its all in my head of course

)...
I feel like we don't represent home educating very well. We dont socialise! lol We are giving the rest of you a bad name

We have friends over and as long as its one (and a quiet calm type one) - then it can be lots of fun! Otherwise, he just lays on the floor in a corner lining his cars up - hes 'tired'. But hes practically 'normal' in every other respect. Its my 'parenting'...its the fact we have chosen to 'home educate' (and no cirruculm - we are just so ODD! lol). I feel like 'lying' and saying we have got a diagnosis for him - and no they are not 'wrong' about it. Yes - we went private (not NHS - or would that mean that we just paid for an 'excuse'?). This could be posted in SN as well...
We get 'warnings' not to home educate because of the socialisation thing - and then look at us!. Of course, to have friends carry on about 'socialisation' and say things like 'well, if your child doesn't actually want to socialise a lot - home education is great for you then!'...No - its not just about my DS not wanting to socialise (its not really a reason at all we decided to home educate!). Plenty of home eduacted children want and do socialise! Enough with the steriotype! At this point, I would actually rather argue the whole 'unschooling' thing instead! hehe

So...thanks for listening! lol

 

[sahmama_12]

I think your being too hard on yourself. You provide options for his socialization in environments that are comfortable for him. One on one is fine if that is what puts him at ease. Putting him into uncomfortable situations and forcing socialization on him is what traditional school does. You rejected that. Don't worry so much.

That said I personally feel the better and more true socialization options happen through interactions with a caring involved parent. He sees you interact with your friends, the grocery clerk, the bank clerk, the librarian etc. These are the ways he is learning social interaction, even if he is on the spectrum. Don't be in such a rush, he'll get there. Or like me he'll never be that social. That's okay too. Don't let the eyes of the world get to you. Its okay to be the wallflower as much as the social butterfly. I have one of each so far and they are both happy and well adjusted and that's all that matters.

Hugs.

 

[scoobymummy]

My ds has sensory issues as well - he is very sociable, but the noise, lights, etc. send him over the moon. Often outings that are really busy/vibrant lead to a major meltdown. You can't change them....there's nothing you can do to make your child more socialbe, any more than I can make my child endure noisy areas. You're doing so much to accomodate him - going to the easter thing early, before it got busy was perfect. Letting him sit back and watch was perfect. It's hard to feel like the center of attention. Some people are probably thinking those critical thoughts that you're imagining, but I bet some are just observing or sympathising or admiring. They all have kids and there aren't too many people out there who think they parent perfectly. Too bad those admiring ones are usually silent. A few weeks ago a friend mentioned that her husband thought we handled our ds so well ----wow! that meant so much! One thing that I do, and who knows if it's right or not, but I try to use the ''diagnosis'' as an umbrella for my ds -- I'm very open about it and explain his personality traits (I won't call them symptoms or problems caues they're not) so that they understand and aren't judging him. I figure if they know, they'll explain it to their kids, who will then hopefully be more accepting and understanding when he has a major blow-up or disappears in his room during a playdate. So far, people have been very supportive when I use this approach.

 

[cjmz]

What are your goals for your son long-term?

There seems to be two separate issues - one your lack of support in home-schooling, and your sons inability to socialize.

Not sure of the teaching criteria in your state for homeschooling is, but are you prepared to deal with your sons emotional state and sensitivities while trying to teach him. I think it is only a hindrance for you not to determine what may or may not be causing these issues. You can't properly set up a learning schedule if you are not sure what you are dealing with.

Additionally, how will this affect him when he needs to go to college, work or start his own family. Socialization doesn't go away when they grow up. Any issues that are allowed to fester and not corrected may do him more harm then good.

Good luck.

 

[orangefoot]

cjmz - the law in our country states this:

Quote:

The parent of every child of compulsory school age shall cause him to receive efficient full-time education suitable- 1. to his age, ability and aptitude, and 2. to any special educational needs he may have, either by regular attendance at school or otherwise.

That is it. The special neeeds do not have to be diagnose or labelled and no curriculm is necessary. The state has no right to inspect your provision and you have no responsibility to supply information either.

We are off to visit a home edding friend tomorrow. Her ds is 10 and doesn't like socialising. He won't go to any groups and often doesn't like even going out of the house. He is happy to have someone over to hang out with (and game with!) but is resistant to anything more.

She is beside herself with the need for herself to socialise and often comes to gatherings by herself. In the beginning she hoped that we wouldn't think that she was a freak who didn't have a child at all and just wanted to hang out with home-edders!

Her son was in school and was constantly in pain, angry and violent. Looking at him now you can see that school and forced 'socialisation' was damaging him very dramatically and that even if he doesn't go out and see many people he is calmer, happier, more contented and at ease with himself.

Some kids just don't need socialisation and stimulation of the human kind. So what? Home educating gives you the chance to avoid the problems this lad has had for years and enable Duncan to explore the world at his own pace and on his own terms without distress.

We have adult friends who aren't very outgoing and others who are downright scared of coming to our house with 4 children and all the madness we have on offer. We worry about them every now and then but they are good people and we like them as they are. Everyone is different and that is truly OK. Nothing needs 'correcting'. Anyone who wants every one to be the same is just uncomfortable with reality.

 

[4evermom]

Isn't he only 3 1/2?

I think you have time to let him be and mature before worrying a ton about socialization. A lot of 3 yos haven't fully moved out of parallel play. Some sensibly shy away from other kids because they are unpredictable. Many of my ds's sensitivities got milder as he got older. Playing with peers got easier because the other kids got more mature and verbal. Communication is still a pretty big challenge for 3-5 yo kids.

 

[pollyanna]

I also think your son might interact better when he gets older. My son until this past yr didn't want to talk to anyone and would only play one on one. I have noticed since dec that he has started play in groups more.

pollyanna

 

[mamarhu]

Amongst my several children, I seem to have one of each type.

ElderSon was mainly unschooled. He never participated in scouts or any other made-for-kids activity. He is totally charming, socially adept in any situation and with any group of people. He is the poster child for out-of-school socialization, international upbringing, being raised around more adults than kids, etc.

Interestingly though, YoungSon, on the autism spectrum, is the most socially successful of the lot!

(in the sense of having the most friends). Generally, he has been unschooled, and never wanted to participate in any groups or classes. Except that he loves going to the synagogue, he participates in nothing organized. Ever. But, last year, he decided to go to public school. This was a great big deal, because he had awful experiences in his brief school career, and also because he can't read. He had severe dyslexia, but hates to have any attention called to himself for any reason. I had no idea how he would pull this off, but somehow, he had a great year. Academically it was a total bust, but socially, he became "one of the guys" in the neighborhood. Although he no longer attends school, friends come over nearly daily, and he goes out and skates with them. It is amazing.

BigGirl, 14, has all her life been a loner. I have offered every social activity I could think of, pushed her to try some, and found that it seems to be filling my need more than hers. Which is funny, because I an a mildly-spectrummy, semi-recluse myself. She raises Guide Dog puppies for the blind, and is required to attend weekly meetings. She hates that aspect of the project, but functions pretty "normally" in that situation. Generally, she avoids any situation that might involve other teens, preferring to play dominoes at the local retirement home to hanging out at the mall.

Foster Dumpling, 8, is the social butterfly type, but needs help learning how to maintain a friendship. She has a superficial charm, but runs kids off pretty quickly. She comes from a background where this was a survival skill, but now she doesn't know how to manage over time. She is in public school, but I don't know if I will leave her there after adoption.

I will be adding her twin sisters, 5, to the family this summer. As foster children they are required to be in school also. As is typical for bonded identical twins, they communicate with each other much better than with anyone else. I don't know how they will do regarding "socialization" in the school environment, whether they will be interested in making friends. I will strongly consider unschooling after adoption, although that might be a couple years (complex legal situation).

Anyway, what I was trying to say it that special needs, even autism, homeschooling and public school experiences seem to have little predictive value regarding social experiences. And none of it has much to do with one's overall happiness or success in life.

 

[Roar]

I would not adopt the idea that he can't or doesn't want to socialize. He's too young to draw those conclusions and especially if he has sensory delays it may appear that he's disinterested when in fact he's overwhelmed. I would also keep in mind that PLENTY of kids don't enjoy stuff like big events at the park, but they still have social needs and may enjoy playing with others and having friends.

When the time is right for more social stuff I would encourage you to start with one on one playdates or very small groups (not big organized activities - but another having another mom and kid over). That sort of thing regularly is a much better bridge for becoming more comfortable socially than big group activities are.

I would not draw sweeping conclusions now about his long term sociability and would continue to keep options open. In the future there may be something very important to him (music, sports, chess or whatever) that will require him to spend time with other people in order to enjoy the activity.

 

[LuxPerpetua]

If it makes you feel any better I have a 3.3 yo who is very cautious in social situations. We had a playdate with a new friend today and dd refused to do anything but watch the other little girl play. We don't do big noisy or crowded things often nor do we have people over much at all. Heck, today was the first day in about 3 months that we had a non-family member in our home. So, if you want to talk anti-social, that would be us. I'm not worried, though, as dd has lots of time to make friends and socialize. I can't believe people are giving you such a hard time about this when your little guy is still so young! That's ridiculous!

:

 

[ann_of_loxley]

Thanks for all the replies. I think I am too hard on myself. And I really need to stop worrying about what other people think)...Story of my life really! lol
Just wanted to write that and get it out there. Thanks to those who took the time to read it and reply

 

[dantesmama]

Ann, whenever I read your posts about your ds I'm blown away by how similar our sons are! My ds1 is also 3.5, has sensory issues, and may be somewhere on the spectrum. He loves meeting other kids but doesn't have much interest in actually playing with them, unless it involves playing tag. He has one good friend who he plays with on a regular basis, as long as it's one-on-one. At playgroups he stays by himself.

I know exactly what you mean about the socialization thing! I worry that as he gets older people will look at him and think that I "made" him this way by homeschooling, when really, it's just who he is and it has nothing to do with whether he goes to school!

 

[chfriend]

If it's any help at all, my 4.75 year old has just discovered the joy of friends. Little ones often just need their families until they are a bit older.