[Pepe]

Hi,
I'm new to this way of thinking, and before I check out the books on the booklist and the threads here, a couple of questions:

What do you think of "babyproofing"? How extensive? Why/why not? How does it fit in with early discipline? DS is 12 mo and although we have taken some measures to make things safe (poisons away, latches on the cupboards), well, there is still quite a lot for me to pull him away from (cords, kitty's litter box, stereo, etc.). I don't want to be too vehement about saying NO! 24/7 because I don't want to thwart his curiosity and exploration...yet I want to start teaching him that some things are off-limits, mainly where his safety is concerned. Thoughts?

How do you encourage sharing--things and space--with other kids? At the playground, I find myself moving DS aside to let others pass by or use something, just as I would defer...but maybe he needs some ownership (though I imagine that will absolutely click in later on!)? I mean, I don't eject him from the swing as soon as a waiting parent starts hinting loudly by saying to his/her kiddo that they have to wait (KWIM? Ha), but I guess the real question here is a deep one, probably much too advanced for taking care of a 1-yr-old: how to balance healthy entitlement with fairness and consideration? (Full disclosure of baggage: I was raised by a mom who put, and still puts, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE before her own needs, which is both the best and the worst thing about her.)

I appreciate any comments/references/debate. Thanks!

 

[RootBeerFloat]

I'm sure you'll get a wide variety of answers on this, but I'll give it a stab.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pepe What do you think of "babyproofing"? How extensive? Why/why not? How does it fit in with early discipline? DS is 12 mo and although we have taken some measures to make things safe (poisons away, latches on the cupboards), well, there is still quite a lot for me to pull him away from (cords, kitty's litter box, stereo, etc.). I don't want to be too vehement about saying NO! 24/7 because I don't want to thwart his curiosity and exploration...yet I want to start teaching him that some things are off-limits, mainly where his safety is concerned. Thoughts?

We babyproof, babyproof, babyproof. There is almost nothing that dd can't touch, feel, explore, etc. The only thing that we ask her to stay away from is the dog's water dish and the dog's food, which we keep picked up if she's in the mood to mess with or if the dogs are elsewhere. If the dog bowls are down and she gets into them, I remind her that we don't touch the dog water, move it away, and leave it at that. It is a child's natural, normal, and healthy instinct to explore things like crazy. It's how kids learn how the world works, and, more importantly, how their world works.

I think it's very unfair to ask a child of this age (and by this age, I mean under preschool but maybe older depending on the temperment of the child) to exercise the kind of self-restraint 24-7 to stay out of things s/he is expected to stay out of. Even a very "compliant" or "well behaved" child is going to have a bad night's sleep, a crazy day, miss a meal, teethe, have his/her feelings hurt etc sometimes--meaning that sometimes, the resources necessary to exercise self restraint (which don't and shouldn't exist until later) just aren't there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is set your child up for success. The world is full of nos, which are stressful for kids this age. Home shouldn't be one of them. For books, I'd look at The Aware Baby by Solter (I loved this book, good for kids up to age 2) and The Emotional Life of the Toddler by Lieberman (a great book for child development for kids between 1 and 3 years old).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pepe How do you encourage sharing--things and space--with other kids? At the playground, I find myself moving DS aside to let others pass by or use something, just as I would defer...but maybe he needs some ownership (though I imagine that will absolutely click in later on!)? I mean, I don't eject him from the swing as soon as a waiting parent starts hinting loudly by saying to his/her kiddo that they have to wait (KWIM? Ha), but I guess the real question here is a deep one, probably much too advanced for taking care of a 1-yr-old: how to balance healthy entitlement with fairness and consideration?

One of my biggest peeves is watching parents force their kids to share. That's not sharing, that's enforced powerlessness in my book. There are good discussions of sharing in several books, right now I'm thinking about Becoming the Parent you Want to Be by Davis and Keyser and Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. Also a good discussion with examples in The Aware Baby by Solter. The capacity to share doesn't exist in many kids until they are preschool aged. Forcing them to do so at this age will only make it harder for them to share from the heart when they are older.

Our practice is to support dd in her desire to have posessions or space, while pointing out that the other child would like to use it--whatever it is--when she's done. I ask her if she'd like to offer another toy, and if she doesn't, I offer one to the other child myself. If the situation is reversed, and dd wants something another child has, I support that the child is using it right now, do you want to find something else? If not, I support dd in expressing her feelings about how hard it is to wait. This may mean sitting with her during a tantrum or gently physically preventing her from snatching the toy or shoving her way onto playground equipment. This means that I have to work my rear off to prevent, prevent, prevent, which is alot of work and totally worth it.

My goal is to help her maintain her sense of boundaries, power, and dignity. I don't want to train her that we give up things we want just because someone else wants them. I believe that, as long as she enjoys empowerment and ownership comfortably and without threat, generosity will grow in her when she's ready.

I'll share an anecdote about this. We were at the library and N was playing with a toy that dd wanted. N's mom made N give the toy to dd. N complied, but that whole day and the next time we saw N, N hoarded toys, books, chairs, etc whenever dd was near. She was trying to regain the sense of power and ownership that her mom took away from her, and dd's presence reminded her of the threat. All we had to do was wait patiently for our turn, and it would have been fine.

 

[faithnj]

I'll just take the first question. Baby proof as much as you can. There will be plenty...PLENTY....of opportunities for you to teach your child things that involve discipline, and that can not be baby-proofed away. It really helps to cut down on as many "No's" as you can, and to try and find ways to turn some "no's" into yeses, because there will be plenty of situations where "no" is the only acceptable answer for you. (Like when my daughter tried to pull a hot cup of coffee out of my hand at Barnes and Noble. I said no, but there was no time to find an acceptable alternative before she pulled that cup out of my hands in an instant. Sigh.)

I like how you are thinking ahead of time, and from more than one perspective. You sound like you're going to make a pretty good mom! Good luck!

Faith

 

[MtBikeLover]

Our house is pretty baby-proofed - gates up on the big staircase, poisons locked up, knives locked up, etc. Anything that we did not want ruined or that kids could get seriously hurt on are put up. That said, there are always going to be things that kids can get hurt on (for example, my kids like to jump on beds, but I can't put all the beds away. My DD also likes to climb on the sofas, but I can't put those away either!). So what we do is allow them to do some of the things they want to do at appropriate times. For example, they love love love to jump on the bed so we have set up a routine that after bath, we jump on the bed for 30-40 minutes. But they know that they can not jump if a parent isn't there or they will lose the privilege of jumping after bath.

Also, the stereo (mentioning this one since it was on your list) is available for them to use (as is the VCR, the TV, and the CD player). They know how to operate them and they don't abuse them or cause any damage to them.

Rather than saying no to the kids touching them, we have shown them how to use the stuff that we can't or don't want to put away. Or given them other options (you can't jump on the bed when we aren't there but you can jump on your little sofa).

On sharing, we don't make the kids share, but we do encourage taking turns. If DS is playing with something and someone else wants it, I will tell him that someone else would like to play with it too and that when you are ready, you can take turns. This allows him to give it up when he wants.

At home, DS and DD used to fight over toys a lot. If one of them has something first, then the "rule" is that the other can not take it from them. Options they can do are to offer another toy or to ask nicely if they can have it. But that the person with the toy has the right to say no.

And if we are doing something together where there is only one toy, then we take turns. For example, the other day my DD climbed in a box and I was pushing her around the living room. DS wanted a turn so I explained to DD that it was Cameron's turn and that she would get to go again after him. And for the next 30 minutes, they each got out after their one spin around the living room and waited for the other to go and repeated this over and over.

 

[octobermom]

Quote:

What do you think of "babyproofing"? How extensive? Why/why not? How does it fit in with early discipline?

I baby proofed to the point I regain my sanity and don't find my self pulling out my hair and wondering if its too late to give back my child

: That can look diffrent for diffrent families. For us when we moved here (DD was about 2) we didn't do much I have a lock on one of our cabinets that holds a bunch of family crystal we mounted a gate at the top of the stairs since its like take a step fall down.. but now that we are used to the layout dont put it up much. I have one pressure mounted gate I sometimes block the kitchen off with its a tiny kitchen and sometimes for safety reasons I do need her way. (she just see the gate as a reminder as she can scale it now) and we try to avoid loose cords for safety reasons. Other things we have done over time but aren't really an issue now. Put pannels up to prevent buttons on TV DVD to be messed with, covered power strips, locked bathroom doors. (ours wont shut on its own).. Alos here even though we did choose to physicaly block certain areas we still taught. So we covered the outlits for example but still taught her to stay away. Not for Cecilia, we didn't just say Oh well its covered if that makes sense Its just if the natural conqences of messing with something were dangerous or too much of a resposniblity to place on her we blocked her from it but still adressed it if needed.

Sharing I dont require sharing as its really not a concept kids will get before they are developmently ready. We do encorage turn taking when appropiate. I'll also try to make her aware we model, we play games in which all have the chance to participate. and we of course model.

Deanna

 

[EnviroBecca]

We've done babyproofing as we go. That is, we never crawled around looking for hazards, but as EnviroBaby became able to reach a thing we considered:
1. Could it hurt him badly before a parent could intervene?
2. Could he damage it badly before a parent could intervene?
3. Does he seem so fascinated by it that he's likely to grab it the moment we look away, and is it likely to hurt him (or is he likely to break it) if he does?
4. How upset would we be if it were damaged?
5. How difficult would it be to move it out of reach?
We moved everything really dangerous/fragile/important and some of the things that were less so but were particularly fascinating or were easy to move to someplace convenient for us but out of his reach. Mainly, we rely on supervision, modeling appropriate ways to handle things ("No crunching! Turn the pages gently."), and his common sense--my kid is much more careful than many I've known and tends to study an object he's just noticed rather than immediately yanking it down and whipping it around.

Regarding sharing, my main approach has been to share my things with my child and encourage him to share his things with me. I think that often when people talk about "teaching kids to share" they're thinking of sharing as something that happens only between kids, when really it's something that happens between people and so there are plenty of opportunities to model it. At the playground, I encourage him to move when he is standing still in a circulation space (for example, he tends to climb halfway up some narrow stairs and then stand there enjoying the view, when other kids want to go up!) or to move to one side when he's in the middle and bigger faster kids are coming through...but when he's actively playing and someone else wants that particular spot, I say something like, "That girl would like to swing. It will be her turn when you are done.... Okay, let's wrap up the swinging. Would you like to go down the slide?" If the other kid moves away, I draw his attention to that too: "I guess she decided not to swing. Do you want to keep swinging or get down?" but if the same kid comes back, I end his turn very quickly and tell the other kid, "Thank you for waiting."

 

[Brigianna]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pepe Hi, I'm new to this way of thinking, and before I check out the books on the booklist and the threads here, a couple of questions: What do you think of "babyproofing"? How extensive? Why/why not? How does it fit in with early discipline? DS is 12 mo and although we have taken some measures to make things safe (poisons away, latches on the cupboards), well, there is still quite a lot for me to pull him away from (cords, kitty's litter box, stereo, etc.). I don't want to be too vehement about saying NO! 24/7 because I don't want to thwart his curiosity and exploration...yet I want to start teaching him that some things are off-limits, mainly where his safety is concerned. Thoughts?

We babyproof all of the unsafe things (sharp objects, poisons, electrical outlers), etc., but we also use discipline. The best way (in my experience) to teach babies is repetition, repetition, repetition! It does take a while, but eventually it almost always "clicks." I know many gd'ers disagree with this, but I think this kind of early teaching helps them develop a sense of self-control, which can be very liberating for a baby.

Quote:

How do you encourage sharing--things and space--with other kids? At the playground, I find myself moving DS aside to let others pass by or use something, just as I would defer...but maybe he needs some ownership (though I imagine that will absolutely click in later on!)? I mean, I don't eject him from the swing as soon as a waiting parent starts hinting loudly by saying to his/her kiddo that they have to wait (KWIM? Ha), but I guess the real question here is a deep one, probably much too advanced for taking care of a 1-yr-old: how to balance healthy entitlement with fairness and consideration? (Full disclosure of baggage: I was raised by a mom who put, and still puts, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE before her own needs, which is both the best and the worst thing about her.)

I've tried to teach my kids the concept of private property and ownership, that some things are theirs to do with as they chose, and they can share if they want to but aren't required to; some things belong to other people and they need permission to use; and some things belong to everybody (either everybody in the family or everybody in general), that they can use, but have to share with others. This can be taught early on, too--"this is my cup and this is your cup," "that's your sister's doll," etc. In public places we try to model waiting in line and turn-taking. But sharing and respect for private property are things many adults have trouble with, so it will probably take a while.

 

[DevaMajka]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pepe What do you think of "babyproofing"? How extensive? Why/why not? How does it fit in with early discipline?

I baby proofed everything that was unsafe. I also baby proofed everything that I really didn't want him getting into. Everything else, I just tried to teach about. Like with the dirt in the potted plants- I'd tell him I'd rather he not mess with the dirt, it made a mess, and I didn't really want to clean it up (that started about 15 mos. up to that point, if I didn't want it messed with, I kept it out of sight). Then I let him make the choice of stopping playing in the dirt or not. If he chose to keep playing, I just asked him to help clean it up (and usually he did, and if he didn't want to, no big deal). We have lots of plants all over the house, and he really has only played in the dirt 3 times ever.
As far as the stereo, I'd let him play with it supervised. I always let my ds play with the tv and the remotes.
The only thing I ever "trained" my ds to not touch (and I hate to say it like that) was the trash can. It grossed me out. He was a little less than 12 mos. Every time he went towards the trash can, I called him to me. If he touched the can, I'd get him and we'd go do something else. If he came to me, we'd go do something fun. lol. It really was quite pleasant all the way around for him. Basically, it was just that if he touched it, I picked him up, and if he was going for it, I knelt down and called him to come to me instead. But really, if I had to do it over again, I think I would have just sanitized the heck out of the trash can on a regular basis, and just let him touch whatever he wanted. lol.
I think the whole thing fits in with gd, as *mutually agreeable solutions* I find a way to let ds do what he wants, in a way that is agreeable to me. So, if he wants to pour water on the floor, THAT is not agreeable to me. BUT there are many other options that could likely be agreeable to us both- pouring water between two buckets. Getting in the bath and splashing. Having a "tea party" and pouring water from a pitcher into cups. kwim?

Quote:

How do you encourage sharing--things and space--with other kids? At the playground, I find myself moving DS aside to let others pass by or use something, just as I would defer...but maybe he needs some ownership (though I imagine that will absolutely click in later on!)?

Hmmm.. I'm bad at that. I will move ds out of the way if someone wants to slide, and they will be faster than ds. Or if someone wants a toy ds has, I will suggest a different toy to ds, so he can give his toy away. But I don't know that that's the best thing to do. He's quite a passive and agreeable child as it is. But when he refuses to share, I try to respect that (as long as he's not grabbing away from someone). It's hard, because I'm a people-pleaser type person too. kwim?