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FAMOUS STATEMENTS<br><br>
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:<br>
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."<br>
(Eleanor Roosevelt)<br><br>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and have the two as close together as possible.<br>
(George Burns)<br><br>
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.<br>
(Victor Borge)<br><br>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.<br>
(Mark Twain)<br><br>
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.<br>
(Mark Twain)<br><br>
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.<br>
(Les Dawson)<br><br>
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.<br>
(Socrates)<br><br>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.<br>
(Groucho Marx)<br><br>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.<br>
(Jimmy Durante)<br><br>
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.<br>
(Jilly Cooper)<br><br>
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.<br>
(Zsa Zsa Gabor)<br><br>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.<br>
(Alex Levine)<br><br>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.<br>
(Ed Furgol)<br><br>
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.<br>
(Spike Milligan)<br><br>
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.<br>
(Henny Youngman)<br><br>
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.<br>
(Mark Twain)<br><br>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.<br>
(Joe Namath)<br><br>
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.<br>
(George Burns)<br><br>
At my age flowers scare me.<br>
(George Burns)<br><br>
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.<br>
(Herbert Henry Asquith)<br><br>
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.<br>
(Lucille Ball)<br><br>
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.<br>
(Bob Hope)<br><br>
A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.<br>
(W.C. Fields)<br><br>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.<br>
(W.C. Fields)<br><br>
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.<br>
(George Burns)<br><br>
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . .<br>
(Woody Allen)<br><br>
If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.<br>
(Woody Allen)<br>
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)<br><br>
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are 70 your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.<br>
(Woody Allen)<br><br>
If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans.<br>
(Woody Allen)<br><br>
Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others.<br>
(Groucho Marx)<br><br>
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now I wish to withdraw that statement.<br>
(Mark Twain)
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:<br>
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."<br>
(Eleanor Roosevelt)<br><br>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and have the two as close together as possible.<br>
(George Burns)<br><br>
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.<br>
(Victor Borge)<br><br>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.<br>
(Mark Twain)<br><br>
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.<br>
(Mark Twain)<br><br>
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.<br>
(Les Dawson)<br><br>
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.<br>
(Socrates)<br><br>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.<br>
(Groucho Marx)<br><br>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.<br>
(Jimmy Durante)<br><br>
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.<br>
(Jilly Cooper)<br><br>
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.<br>
(Zsa Zsa Gabor)<br><br>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.<br>
(Alex Levine)<br><br>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.<br>
(Ed Furgol)<br><br>
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.<br>
(Spike Milligan)<br><br>
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.<br>
(Henny Youngman)<br><br>
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.<br>
(Mark Twain)<br><br>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.<br>
(Joe Namath)<br><br>
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.<br>
(George Burns)<br><br>
At my age flowers scare me.<br>
(George Burns)<br><br>
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.<br>
(Herbert Henry Asquith)<br><br>
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.<br>
(Lucille Ball)<br><br>
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.<br>
(Bob Hope)<br><br>
A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.<br>
(W.C. Fields)<br><br>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.<br>
(W.C. Fields)<br><br>
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.<br>
(George Burns)<br><br>
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . .<br>
(Woody Allen)<br><br>
If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.<br>
(Woody Allen)<br>
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)<br><br>
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are 70 your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.<br>
(Woody Allen)<br><br>
If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans.<br>
(Woody Allen)<br><br>
Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others.<br>
(Groucho Marx)<br><br>
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now I wish to withdraw that statement.<br>
(Mark Twain)
