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I'm not sure what to say but I couldn't read and not respond. I hope you find peace with it all. I wish I had something profound to say <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Oh, hugs. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm glad you shared because it means you are looking for help.<br>
I know that you don't consider your habit to be an eating disorder, but from the way you described it, it does kind of does sound like one to me- it doesn't have to be "textbook" to be "out of sorts", if you know that I mean? I think you need to find a professional to talk to. It sounds like you are scared and struggling with something that is very powerful. I know you will do what's best for your baby. I am sending you all the support and good vibes I can.<br><br>
BTW, I really hate the media world we live in that puts so much pressure on us as women. I think most of us struggle with dissatisfaction with our appearance at one time or another, because of some external standard we compare ourselves to.
 

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I am so sorry you are going through this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I empathise about being overweight and panicking about not getting that big again. BTDT.<br>
I was 10lbs away from weighing 300lbs when I gave birth to DS. I had only gained 20lbs in pregnancy (I cringe typing this). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br>
Admittedly I didn't look like I weighed that much as I'm tall but still....<br>
Fortunately for me nursing melted it off and I got pg this time 70 lbs lighter.<br>
Still a long way to go but I know I can lose weight healthily once this baby is born and be a positive role model to my children.<br><br>
Have to agree with pp who said that it does sound like an eating disorder and that the right professional to talk to could only help.<br>
From all your posts you sound like a wonderful Mama who does put her children first. We have to look after ourselves too though. We deserve to be happy and healthy.<br><br>
Kudos to you for sharing. We're here for you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>emilyash</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356342"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Oh, hugs. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm glad you shared because it means you are looking for help.<br>
I know that you don't consider your habit to be an eating disorder, but from the way you described it, it does kind of does sound like one to me- it doesn't have to be "textbook" to be "out of sorts", if you know that I mean? I think you need to find a professional to talk to. It sounds like you are scared and struggling with something that is very powerful. I know you will do what's best for your baby. I am sending you all the support and good vibes I can.<br><br>
BTW, I really hate the media world we live in that puts so much pressure on us as women. I think most of us struggle with dissatisfaction with our appearance at one time or another, because of some external standard we compare ourselves to.</div>
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I am sorry you are going through this, however I agree with emily. It does sound like you have an eating disorder and I think speaking with a professional would be beneficial to you. Skipping meals, vomiting meals to stay thin... These are not healthy habits. Clearly, you want to do what is best for your baby. We are nearly complete with our pregnancies. Join a group and walk after (even start now!) birthing and maintain healthy eating habits. This does not mean skipping meals. It means eating healthy, balanced meals throughout the day. I hope you find the help you are looking for. Peace to you.
 

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Purging or not eating are signs of an eating disorder. Kudos to you for putting some of that aside to have healthy babies. Not everyone can. They see all weight as the enemy.. even to build healthy little people.<br><br>
But... you need help. This kind of thing can be passed to your kids. Really. Even sons now are not immune to being affected by a parent's eating disorder. Find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders and make a plan to make peace with food.<br><br>
Good luck.
 

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I agree with the previous poster. Just because you don't have anorexia nervosa to the point where you are just a skeleton doesn't mean you don't have an eating disorder or emotional difficulties with food.<br><br>
I'm bad at giving advice, so I'll just tell you that I understand where you're coming from and give you my personal experience.<br><br>
Looking at me, no one would ever label me "eating disorder." But that doesn't mean there's no guilt, shame, or pain before, during, or after eating.<br><br>
I was doing well with eating for a long time. The height of my problematic relationship with food was in high school and college. But pregnancy is starting to bring the emotions back. Women are told their whole lives that they need to be thin and diet. It's beat into your head every day for 20 + years to diet. Then you get pregnant and are expected to gain weight. You're supposed to accept and love your bigger, heavier body. No one prepares you for that mental shift.<br><br>
It might help if you talked to a therapist. He or she can be there as a listener which is sometimes the most important thing. And when it comes time for the therapist to interject advice, he or she could do far better than I ever could.
 

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I'm sorry you are struggling so much in yourself. It does sound like you are wanting help, and it sounds like this has been going on for a long time. I too recommend talking to a professional you trust, whether it be your family doctor, a therapist or a nutritionalist (lots of those around these days). These issues and feelings can have a big impact on bonding, on breastfeeding success, and on your general confidence in parenting your new baby. I really hope you contact someone for help in understanding both your feelings and your physical experience.<br><br>
I don't know enough about you to start making other recommendations, but I'm wondering about how hormones might be playing a part here, if there is some imbalance? If your thyroid is over or under producing hormones? It sounds to me like there would be great power in education here, in understanding why your body would be so overweight (if it is, we don't know what you weigh) if you eat well and not so much.<br><br>
Remember that "gaining weight" in pregnancy is really different than in regular life. Gaining "only 13 pounds" in pregnany isn't necessarily "good", and gaining 85 pounds isn't necessarily bad. It all really depends on the person and the baby and if the baby is indeed getting what it needs, if the mother's body is taxed. So many factors...<br><br>
We all have challenges and things we are facing and working on. I'm glad you are looking at this challenge with concern (and hopefully love) for yourself.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Acknowledging the problems and sharing on here is a great first step...I agree the next is to get some professional help. Best of luck to you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I agree with the others who say that it does sound like you have an eating disorder, or certainly something your doctor would be concerned about if you described it to him/her.<br><br>
It sounds like you are afraid that your body is going to go "out of control" and start gaining a ton of weight again. I have no idea, I am not a doctor and I could be totally wrong here... but it occurred to me that if you are not eating enough, your body could try to hold on to weight because it thinks it's starving. KWIM? Like if we don't eat enough nutrition and calories, after awhile the body things it's starving, and starts holding on to weight.<br><br>
I always gained a ton of weight while BFing too -- like back to the weight I was when I gave birth. I'm 5'4" so being 210 lbs is not fun! Also very sore with sore knees, ankles, tiring to lug my body around, etc. I used to think that maybe on a survival level, women who packed on weight when bfing had great reserves for their baby and themselves if there was a famine or something. (We don't live in those kind of circumstances -- but if we did, we would rock! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">)<br><br>
Mama, I wish you peace with food. I wish you peace with eating a nutritious diet, listening to your body, drinking lots of water, eating good protein, throwing away the scale, getting enough sleep, walking....<br><br>
Sometimes when we are under a lot of stress and don't get enough sleep, we gain weight or keep it on. Do any of those apply to you?<br><br>
Keep us posted with how you are doing. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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Kudos to you for being so thoughtful, chasemommy. I have a friend with similar concerns to your's, and I'd never describe her as out of control. I think control is a very big part of many people's unhealthy relationships to food and weight.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s.. I really hope that things fall into place for you and you don't worry about your weight until long after the baby is born. My MW who trained in new zealand was telling me that weighing women in pregnancy is not a part of prenatal appointments there, so she was surprised by the obsession with weight when she came back to Canada to practice. It only matters that the baby is growing well.<br><br>
What sort of things are you craving that you feel like you shouldn't eat? I personally think that any amount of fruit and veggies, lean protein and dairy products would not make you gain much, but feed the baby well. I think it could be safe to cut most grain products out so the weight will go more towards building muscle than making more fat. You don't want to be losing weight, but staying the same. This all depends on the fact that you are actually overweight and I'm not sure if you really are because it does sound to me that you do have an eating disorder (I have been there before, I know it sucks)
 

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I don't have a whole lot else to add, but I just wanted to offer my support and let you know I was diagnosed with PCOS a few years ago, and used to be significantly more overweight than I am now. At this point (not counting pregnancy) I am only 20 or 30 lbs overweight but I used to hover just under 200 lbs. I was at a mostly-healthy weight all through high school and afterwards until I went on the depo-provera shot which TOTALLY EFFED UP my hormones and I gained 35 lbs in a matter of 6 months (2 doses). I also had a ton of other nasty side effects and even after going off the shot, continued to gain weight. Up until that point my periods had always been regular, but I started going months at a time without one and would only have one when given provera to induce a withdrawal period. Finally found a gynocolegist who agreed with my research and diagnosed me with PCOS and prescribed me Metformin to help get my weight down under control. My periods finally started to regulate and after 3 months of regular cycles I became pregnant with DS#1. Ever since then things have been under control, I have maintained my weight at about 20-30 lbs overweight, and I would still love to get it down even further after this baby is born, but I don't stress about it as much as I used to. Just wanted to let you know that I understand the struggle over weight when there are other factors involved such as hormone imbalances, etc. I hope you can get the help you need to get things under control.
 
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