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Some thoughts as we TTC#2

1197 Views 20 Replies 13 Participants Last post by  Bearsmama
Okay, so it is late at night, but here is what is bouncing around my brain, as AF left yesterday - meaning that we are now officially TTC our second child.

Are we totally insane? Have we absolutely lost our minds? We can sometimes barely make it through the day with one very well behaved, happy, charming, beautiful 2.5yo boy. I already can't keep the house clean or dinner on the table, and I am not the picture of grace under fire. I can be quite the spoiled brat on occassion if I don't get enough time to put my feet up and relax. So now we're going to add a baby to this mix? We must have really lost it.

Okay, but then I relax and try to think without panic - we have always known we wanted more than 1 child, we both definitely still want another baby, I think ds would absolutely love having a sibling, we are in a good enough financial position, we are in a good space emotionally and in our relationship, and ds is just getting more and more independent every day. He is such a beautiful little boy, and I am just so proud of him.
I really want to expand our family and share all the beautiful love that is flowing around here.

Which leads me to another nagging thought - I can't help feeling like I am somehow 'cheating' on ds by having another baby. Is that crazy or what? It's like somehow saying that he isn't enough for me. I know this isn't logical, but it just hurts my heart to think of having to share my time with anyone else. It's just ds and I every day, and we are just the best buddies. I don't have many mom friends, so often it really is just the two of us. And we really have such a great time together. I'm so scared of that being thrown off track by a new baby. And I know every mom thinks this, but I just have such a hard time believing that I can love another baby as much as I love ds. I'm afraid that I will resent the new baby for taking me away from ds.

I alternate between total joy and positive feelings, and total panic and negativity.

Oh, and ds awakens, so off I go - no time to proof. Any been there/done that reassurance for me?
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You are not crazy. Most days when I think of having another child I want to cry-- I feel like that would take away from my time with dd. I feel like she would be betrayed by me having another child, kwim? But dd is also 10.5 mos. Anyway, I think it is totally normal to feel like what if you can't give both kids what they need, and since your ds already exists and you love him w/ all your heart of course you worry about his needs first.

Secondly, I don't think anyone here has a house like Fly Lady's or Martha's. Your prioritys are totally focused right where they should be. I need a little time to myself too, everyone does. I have been in a superfunk the last 2 days or so. I've been taking long bubble baths with dd in the morning instead of showers and doing a 'rinse cycle' so I still feel nice and squeaky clean. That way I can feel at least a little pampered. We all need time to ourselves and you are the picture of normalcy in sometimes feeling like you have to demand some You Time.

Lastly, when I looked at pictures of my dad holding me right after I was born, he looked like a Daddy, like he knew just the right way to hold me. He up until then, had been terrified that he wouldn't know how to do it. I told dp this when I was pg- that he wouldn't even realize it when he slipped right into his role, perfectly. He did. We made the transition from a young couple to Mamma and Daddy and didn't even think anything of it. Well, we thought a lot of things of it, but it wasn't a hard transition. Okay, well.. transition was hard, but the transition into motherhood wasn't. :LOL What I am saying is, when dc#2 is born, you will slip into the role of mother of two naturally and you won't even realize that your hands were full before with 'just' one child. Really, you're going to be great.
Congrats on TTC, I can't wait for a pregnancy post!

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oceanbaby, I always like your posts. I found this one particularly interesting b/c DH and I will start trying for number 2 in a few more months and I just know I'm going to feel exactly the way you do.

I have one peice of advice that kept going through my head as I read your post: if we all waited until we were "perfectly ready" to have babies, we'd never have them, lol!

Also, I know what you mean about feeling like you are "cheating" on your son. I, too, recognized just how precious these early years with DD are: it won't be long before our family is Four and the time when it was just DH, DD, and I will soon be a distant memory. So I am trying to savour it too. You and I (and everyone here) all know, however, that when number 2 comes along, you'll be just as head-over-heels in love with him/her as you are with your son, and you'll wonder why you ever doubted that he/she was meant to join your family!!

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First of all, your feelings are perfectly normal. When you only have one child, it can feel very overwhelming to even think about bringing another child into the mix. We started ttc #2 when dd was 17 months and ds was born when dd was 26 months. It was crazy for awhile, but it got better. My dd is 4 now, and ds is almost 2, and they are the best of friends. Watching them play together just fills my heart with joy. Just wait until your kids are big enough to hug each other and give kisses. I think that is why I want #3 so badly. I don't feel like I've been taken away from dd, I feel like I've given her something more. If we ever do have another baby, I'm sure I will feel the same way. Happy and blessed that I have this opportunity to raise this little person. Congrats on ttc!
Megan 8.10.99
Jacob 10.22.01
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hi oceanbaby. i am right there with you on this one. begin this month ttc #2. and i gotta wonder about myself when i some days i feel so overwhelmed i am just dying for a nice long break- and then i turn around and light the candles on my pregnancy hope altar. BTW, i just finished AF two days ago. we are so close. maybe we will both get preg this month too. then we can be terrified and overjoyed togeather.
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Oceanbaby, I completely understand the thoughts and feelings that you are having and I'm sure I will have them too when the time comes for us. I agree with what has been posted above. Savour the moments you have with ds now, but also know that when ds/dd comes, you will know that he/she was meant to be in your loving family. Having a baby can be a very scary prospect because you never know how it will change you and your family. It will definately change you, but one thing is for sure, at least in my life, life never deals out more than what you can handle. Kwim? Your days with a 4th member of your family might feel a bit blurry at first, but that will change with time. I'm sure you will slip right into being a wonderful mother of 2 as veganmamma posted.
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I hurt my thumb last night, so it's hard to type, but I wanted to thank you all for your reassurance. I am kind of going on faith that everything will work out, kind of like when we decided to have our first - although this decision is even scarier! It always helps to know that others feel the same way and that I am not totally insane.

I'll keep you updated on our success at TTC. Sunbaby - you do the same!

And please continue to share your thoughts/experiences on adding the 4th member of the family!
Thank you for this thread Oceanbaby. Again, I am in the same place as you, everyday I am wondering if we are doing the right thing in ttc soon. My relationship with my dd, 30 months, sounds similar to yours. We are just the two of us all the time, I don't have many mommy friends near by, and the two of us are very close and connected to each other. I don't know how I would fit another child into the picture, I worry about the time it would take away from my dd, the nursing around the clock, the waking up all hours, the constant attention focused on a baby. And I worry about myself, and my dh, and work, and how I will be psychologically. And then sometimes I even wonder why I even want another, why I want more children. And I know the answers, but I still can't help feeling panicked and strange and unsure. and not confident in this decision at all.

And then there are the times when I know that the most beautiful and most precious gift to myself and my dd would be a sibling for her and another miracle for our family. I feel that maybe it would ground me more then I think, that I would bear more confidence than I remember having. And I also think of how I was when I conceived my dd. In a very bad place, I moved 6 times during my pregnancy, me and dh weren't even sure if we were going to stay together, I was a mess. And guess what, it turned out beautifully, I was confident, sure, and in love. And now we are a million times better off.

It will just work. I think I overanalyze these things too much and I lose sight of it. I think we forget what we should remember and that is that we are more than capable, and like others here have said, it may seem like #2 is kind of the second child, the addition right now because all you know is your first child, and the relationship you have with your first. But when the second one comes everything will shift with it, and it will be a natural shift, because that child and your relationship with that child will just blossom and become just as it did with your first. And it will be hard to remember what it was like before you had this child. And I believe this will happen for your son as well. Know you are doing it for all the right reasons, let yourself question it as well, but don't let that voice bury you in doubt as it is just based in fear of the unknown. You will be great and everything will be better than you could have imagined. And the difficulties will work themselves out, just as they did the first time around.

Now if I could only convince MYSELF of these things! :LOL

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Okay well I'm in your shoes plus a few months. Dd's going to be 3 years 2 mos. old when little one arrives. I had these thoughts too, but I'm glad for the timing. It's so cool. Dd is very involved in the pg and says hi to the baby a lot, talks about sharing her toys with baby (yeah right!) and is excited about her coming. I think they will be far enough apart that dd and baby can have their own interests. Dd is able to entertain herself well when needed, feels very loved, and will enjoy the priveledge of being a big sister.

Dh and I plan to take her on dates sometimes so she feels even more special. Asking her to help us with baby will also make her feel she has an important role in baby's life.

I know it's going to be hard. I know my house will be a wreck for awhile. But I'm also really excited for dd to get a little sister. It's going to enhance her life and make her grow and learn so much in the process.

Similar thoughts are on my mind. AF comes and I think, what a relief, I really need the sleep I've been getting. Then I go mix my stinky pregnancy herb tea, make sure I'm stocked with Progesterone cream for the next month, and set about planning exciting ways to keep Dh "up" for the rigors ahead.

Some voice in my head tells me I'm crazy as I do all that, but I can't help drink that nasty tea and be eager for the next dose.

Mostly I try to keep in mind, as I think I've said before on this topic, that the universe will give me what I can deal with. If I end up pregnant, that will mean it's right for us. If I don't, then for some reason that is the right thing. I still worry about my back, and that pregnancy will ruin the wonderful improvement in pain that I've experienced, and leave me worse than I was before, which wasn't pretty.

But as close as Dd and I are, I cannot expect to be her whole universe. I love being a mother and if I have another child, I'll probably drive her less crazy in years to come:LOL
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A lot of what you said are feelings I have too. DH and I are also TTC #2, and we also have a 2.5 year old son.

My concerns aren't so much about the house and meals, since in the last few months I've acheived a routine. I partially credit this to flylady, and partially to the fact we finally bought our own house and it means more when its your own for some reason.

I am elated at the idea of a new baby, but scared since I had a miscarriage in May and have been TTC again since July and no luck. This might not sound like a long time, but for me it is because with the past two pregnancies I was able to conceive with 2 days of trying TOPs thanks to fertility awareness. So now its been 3 months of trying and no pregnancy, nagging worries about another miscarriage too.

On top of that are the time concerns. Can I be as good of a parent with two as with one? Will I be able to read all those books, keep 2 kids dressed and bathed, get enough sleep, and still give DH enough attention and support? Will I be able to maintain the diet changes I'm trying to make with the 3 of us when there are 4?

My one other concern and feeling of guilt centers around a birth itself. I want to do a home birth this time, or at the very least a birthing center with a midwife and no drugs as opposed to the last one with hospital, ob/gyn, epidural, episiotomy....and I worry that I will be able to bond better with the new baby and that would be unfair to my DS.

On the positive side, I know there is another member of our family waiting to join us. I know DS would absolutely adore a sibling, loves babies, and not to mention it would be REALLY good for him to have to learn to share things! It will give me another chance with breastfeeding this time around as well. With DS being lactose intolerant, a very large baby at birth, and suspicious lumps and melasma in my breasts requiring biopsies, breastfeeding was x-ed at 6 weeks. I really long for the chance to do what I had wanted to do with DS in the first place and wasn't able to do for him. I have learned so much since then and have more options in a similar situation, and I want to try it out.

My mom told me she feels its good that DH and I have "spaced" our family. She always said she felt like my older brother and I felt pushed out when younger siblings came along quickly and that the youngest kids were the best adjusted and also had the farthest spacing. I don't believe this completely, and I do want my children to be close enough to enjoy playing with each other!

I'm starting to wonder if all these concerns, stresses, new opportunities, etc is stressing me and that's why I haven't been able to concieve yet.
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Can I be as good of a parent with two as with one? Will I be able to read all those books, keep 2 kids dressed and bathed, get enough sleep, and still give DH enough attention and support?
Oh I can't wait to have one on each side of me reading bedtime stories, and having my two girls take baths together. :) Your gonna have a blast with 2!

BTW I didn't get pg until I stopped ttcing with *both*kids. 12 months with #1, 6 mos with #2. I gave up, said so be it, and it happened the next month.

Well, we done did it. It looks like I'm due mid July.

What a crazy feeling - First I was totally shocked, then excited, then a touch of sadness thinking of losing my one on one with ds, but since last night when I found out I have been in the best mood!

So here we go . . . .

It can be scary to think about adding #2, but it is such a wonderful thing! I cannot even imagine my life without my ds. It is because of my 2 that I want #3 so badly!!! I hope you have a great pg and you will become even more excited once this pg feels "real". You're gonna love being a mom to 2. I just know it!

Megan 8.10.99

Jacob 10.22.01
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Congratulations!!!! A baby brother or sister! I'm getting all misty just thinking about it.

We aren't going to start trying just yet. But we haven't used birth control for a month. Figure that one out! Talk about major ambivelance!

I had an annual exam with my new midwife yesterday, and the pregnancy test was negative. But I feel funky! Queasy, headachey, tired. I'll do another test if AF doesn't arrive. But that's not for another two weeks.

I asked dh if he felt at all guilty about inflicting a new baby on ds (who is 2), and dh said no, not at all. He thinks that a sibling will be good for ds. I agree, but I do still feel pangs of guilt.
OH! I am so excited for you! I have tears in my eyes! You are gonna be awesome!

How exciting for your ds!

(btw, I have your hemp terry dipe. LMK how to get it to ya.

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I am so happy for you (and a little jealous), that is such great news Oceanbaby. You are going to be wonderful. I wanted a Cancer baby!!! Congratulations, that didn't take long now did it??!!:LOL
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OMG! I am SO happy for you!!!!!

That's wonderful news, oceanbaby! (darn, I was sorta hoping you'd take a bit longer and maybe we could be preggo together, lol).

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