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Baby girl has been gone for little over a year...and her birthday hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been crying frequently, almost uncontrollably and often hiding it. I try to go to the bathroom when I'm at school or at home so that my husband doesn't see it. I know that I should be getting a grip, but, it's just not happening, I don't know what to do.<br>
I'm 20 weeks into my pregnancy and i'm afraid, constantly - I just can't go through this again. I've been afraid to post because I don't want to upset other grieving Mama's who have lot their little one's by talking about my pregnancy (I'm sorry if this upsets anyone). I know that I should be happy - and I am, I'm just starting to feel him move and it's reassuring and comforting, but also a little sad because I still want my little girl.<br>
I know that people want me to get over it, including my mother...she has this theory that God doesn't give people everything they want...but, most of the time tries to give them what they need. I can understand her point, but, it's still gutting nonetheless. I haven't called my sister in months because I think it makes her feel uncomfortable (she has a little girl who's 2 yrs. old). My best friend, god bless her gets bombarded with phone calls from me just wailing on the other end. I know it's uncomfortable.<br>
I just feel a little lost and I don't know what to do. I don't know why baby girl died and I guess it adds to my fear. Please, somebody - help me! Please tell me what to do, how to feel - anything that will help me get through this, I'm just having such a hard time and I know I should be grateful and I am, but I'm hurting really bad and I don't know what to do with all of this.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Feel free to share as much as you need to here. We're listening. Many mamas here have been in similar situations, so please know you are not alone.
 

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be easier on yourself <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> You're not being fair by thinking that you just need to get a grip......you will never "get over" it.....but please understand that peace will come in time. Nobody can tell you what your grieving should look or feel like, it's so personal and deep.<br><br>
Anniversaries are tough. Congratulations on your new hope, and please don't feel like you can't post here about it. Sometimes it can feel like nobody understands your pain on the big birth boards, I know, but I know that we here rejoice with every mama who is expecting after a loss. I don't know your story, but hearing about mamas who are expecting after a loss gives *me* hope for my own future.<br><br>
Misti
 

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I couldn't read and not respond to your post. I'm sorry for your loss.<br><br>
In the spirit of offering help, I have a suggestion, do with it as you please. we suffered the losses of 4 pregnancies and it was maddening because conventional medicine couldn't explain what was happening. I was almost out of my mind with worry and fear...i had to know, so I looked to an alternative source...i consulted a medical intuitive. this path brought me peace. I was given an explaination and it resonated with me. we now have a thriving baby.<br><br>
I don't have anyone special to recommend to you, i found the person i needed to, and if this sounds like something you wish to persue, you'll find the right person for you, just search "medical intuitive" and explore.<br><br>
my wish for you is peace and the ability to embrace this pregnancy right now.<br><br><br>
hugs,
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I have read in multiple places that it takes years to grieve the loss of a loved one. It is normal to not be 'over it' in a year.<br><br>
It's also okay to be sad for the child you lost, even though you are pregnant again. This baby you are carrying is not a replacement!<br><br>
So you want to know how to feel and what to do.<br><br>
Feel what is in your heart. Acknowledge it, and let it out. It's the only way to really start healing. Cry when you need to, don't hold it in if you don't have to.<br><br>
What to do? Talk about it here if you want. Unload it somehow, either here, with a counselor, in a journal. Thoughts need to be released, or they just build up in the back of your head. If you need help, ask for it---talk to your doctor.<br><br>
Maybe do something to honor the daughter you lost, if you haven't already. Wear a piece of significant jewelry, like something with her birthstone, plant a rose bush, make a donation to a crisis pregnancy center in her name, write her a letter and read it to the sky....something concrete. She was here, she mattered.<br><br>
And don't forget to breathe, deep slow breathing.<br><br>
Thanks for your concern about talking about your pregnancy on this board, but really, we can handle it! You've lost a baby, you belong here as much as anyone else. There is also the Pregnancy After Loss board. Whichever one feels comfortable to you.<br><br>
Take care.
 

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i just pm'd you...
 
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