[Right of Passage]

I was going to post this on my DDC, but I don't want to hurt or scare any sensitive mamas. I'm scaring myself enough.<br><br>
I think something is wrong. I've been feeling wonky for a while. I got the baby blues pretty good but seemed to have gotten better.<br><br>
Yesterday while driving I made horse lips at traffic (from Ina May's guide to childbirth) and immediately thought of the woman who had an anacephalic baby that lived for a while in Spiritual Midwifery and everyone calling her baby a monster. This is almost my exact thought pattern: I would never call my baby a monster if he had anacephaly and what would I do if my baby died? It's perfectly normal for primates to hang on to their dead infants for a while. I'd probably do that, and they should allow every woman that has lost her baby to hold her baby for as long as she wants. I don't think I'd be able to let my baby go though and then someone will end up telling me it's time to let go because my baby is smelling bad and I don't want that so I'll keep him fresh in the fridge. Then I could see a baby in the fridge.<br><br>
Then I started sobbing. I feel so wrong.<br><br>
I'm encapsulating my placenta today hoping that'll help.<br><br>
Everything else is going fine but my thoughts are like this all the time. I'm dreaming about death and murder almost nightly. I'm waking up with anxiety attacks, and having them in the middle of the day for no reason. I had such a blissful perfect birth, why is everything so worng?<br><br>
Any insight or help?

 

[TBJT]

Don't try to fight these thoughts even though they are so disturbing to you. It is ok and normal to have these thoughts because we feel so much love and fear as mothers, as well as guilt. Trying to rationalize the intrusive daydreams brings upon even more anxiety. Instead, try to tell yourself, I am thinking this ridiculous thought because I am overwhelmed with love and fear. The human brain is far from perfect when it comes to solving problems that haven't even happened. It will come up with solutions out of control. The important thing is the love coming from your heart, which will tell you what to do when the time comes. If the anxiety attacks are more than you can bare, see a doctor about medication. Sometimes it can really help. But as far as crazy thoughts go, you almost have to treat them as though they don't even belong to you. These have nothing to do with love and intent.

 

[Right of Passage]

Thank you, that really eases my fears about these scary thoughts. I feel good otherwise, I feel over the moon in love with all of my babies and my DH. I'm not sure about the anxiety, rescue remedy and motherwort seem to really soothe everything over. But thank you thank you thank you.

 

[LynnS6]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
There's a name for what you're experiencing: It's called "intrusive thoughts" and it's often a sign of Postpartum Anxiety Disorder. This website has a pretty good description: <a href="http://www.babybluesconnection.org/baby_blues_connection/learn_more/symptoms.html#Postpartum%20Obsessive%20Compulsive%20Disorder" target="_blank">http://www.babybluesconnection.org/b...ive%20Disorder</a><br><br>
A reasonable way to think of it is that you're mommy brain has gone on overdrive and can't shut off. Your mommy brain is supposed to be hypervigilant and worried about threats to your baby. But sometimes it doesn't stop when you need it to.<br><br>
I agree with a pp -- if these get worse or are more than you can bear (are keeping you up at night, for example), please see your doctor or midwife. Sometimes you need meds + therapy to learn to deal with these (cognitive behavioral therapy is effective with this kind of thing).<br><br>
A really, really good book is: Women's Moods. It has some nice, sound strategies for understanding what's going on, things you can try to do and when to seek help.

 

[Surfacing]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[finn'smama]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> That tends to be my worst symptom of ppd. I'm sorry you're dealing with it, it's so awful. For me it was as though I actually lived those scenarios and then ended up grieving at the end, even though nothing happened. I did go on medication and it helped immensely. Those thoughts would still pop up, but I didn't run with them anymore. And the suggestion for CBH is a good one too, although I never did it, I've heard wonderful things and will do it this time. I hope you're feeling better soon.

 

[journeymom]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>finn'smama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15478524"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> That tends to be my worst symptom of ppd. I'm sorry you're dealing with it, it's so awful. For me it was as though I actually lived those scenarios and then ended up grieving at the end, even though nothing happened. I did go on medication and it helped immensely. Those thoughts would still pop up, but I didn't run with them anymore. And the suggestion for CBH is a good one too, although I never did it, I've heard wonderful things and will do it this time. I hope you're feeling better soon.</div>
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Yes, to all of the above.<br><br>
Right of Passage, I had similar horrible, bizarre thoughts after my first was born. Medication was so helpful.<br><br>
You are NORMAL and you are not alone in this.

 

[womenswisdom]

I'll chime in too to say that I also sufferred from intrusive thoughts after my ds was born (and later). Trying to suppress the thoughts actually makes them come more often. Like, right now, try to think of anything <i>except</i> a white elephant. Can't do it, can you? The trick is to just let the thoughts come and then let them go, attaching no judgment to them. It's the judgment of "this is a terrible thing to think!" that makes us try to suppress them, which then makes them come more often, starting a vicious cycle. When i eventually saw a therapist about this issue, she reassurred me that women who have these thoughts are not at risk of harming their babies, they are not crazy, and it's a common part of postpartum anxiety disorder or postpartum ocd. Just know you're not alone and it will get better. For many women, medication does help, but for many, just knowing it's not about you or your love for your baby helps immensely also.

 

[jennybear]

Yep, intrusive thoughts. VERY normal during the postpartum period. If they are interfering with your day to day life, make sure to see someone. They're symptomatic of anxiety disorders (most notably OCD).

 

[olive&pimiento]

Wow, this thread has been so helpful to me. I had pretty bad ppd after the birth of my last baby, and intrusive thoughts were one of the worst symtoms. This time I am on Wellbutrin, and it was working up till just about a week and a half ago, when all of the sudden these thoughts started to reappear. At first they were just there, without any emotional attachment. Just weird. Then one day, I had a panic attack and anxiety would come with these thoughts. My medication was upped and I am feeling better already. I think we had babies around the same time, Right of Passage. I also noticed that my hair has started to shed. I wonder if it is just that our hormones are at an all time low right now?<br><br>
Also, thank you so much for posting your exact thought process. It is one thing to hear that other women have this symptom, and quite another to read a story/scenareo that is as bad as the ones that I dream up. And TBJT, I have used your advise since I read it and it is soooooo helpful. Probably more helpful than anything I got from therapy last time I was going through this. Thanks!

 

[SunShineSally]

I have that and I am on medication and I agree it has helped a lot!!! I also will live it and play it all out in my mind they are horrible I cry at the end and feel all of it. You are normal as the PP said it is overdrive!! I remember when I decided to talk to my doctor I could not sleep because Dh and my little guy were downstairs and I was up in bed and I had a panic attack thinking my boys and Dh would die and how would I live through that... please do not let it get that far!! much love mama PM me if you need/want to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">

 

[Mirrormonkey]

Thank you for this thread!

 

[*Jade*]

Just wanted to add - the vast majority of the population has intrusive thoughts, so they are definitely normal. It's only when they become distressing or overly numerous that they are an issue. It's like when you're driving over a bridge and think "hmmm, imagine if I spun the wheel . . " (that's one I get a lot). Also, the content isn't necessarily important. Some people have intrusive thoughts about hurting others and then worry that that means that they want to/WILL hurt the person, but this isn't true.

 

[K-Mom3]

I learned recently from a Naturopathic Doctor that you don't have to wait until things get really bad or until you get a diagnosis to DO something about it. I was most of the way better from ppd but still having intrusive thoughts and sleep problems and he encouraged me to still work on improving my health, even though I felt I was mostly functional, most of the way better.<br><br>
I'm still working on it but these are the things I have tried and have seemed to help. Increasing my supplements, working more on daily exercise and light, spending daily time with meditation or yoga, listening to calming music more often, decreasing the sugar in my diet.<br><br>
I also recommend the book "The Mood Cure." The questionnaire from the first few pages of her book is available online. <a href="http://www.moodcure.com/Questionnaire.html" target="_blank">Here it is</a>.