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Disclaimer- Please don't think I'm judging people who ask for pain meds in labor- this is about my sil and how her plans went up in smoke - no flames, please.<br><br>
Ever since my sil became pregnant, she's been asking my advice about having a natural birth. I've tried to help her as much as possible (hard since she lives 1000 miles away). I've been so excited, though, because she really got on board (so it seemed) with hypnobirthing. (I didn't do hb, but from everything she read to me it sounded like the techniques I used naturally during my homebirth). She is an athletic trainor so she's had enough medical classes that she knew about epidurals, narcotics, etc. and how they DID cross the placenta and she was adamant that she wasn't going to do that. I was skeptical of her choosing a nurse-midwife from a practice that had so many patients that you never saw the same person twice, but we talked for hours and hours on the phone about techniques for working with labor and helping your body do what it's meant to do. She talked about how she knew that one intervention could easily lead to others and then a section. I told her the best way to keep interventions to a minimum was going to be to stay away from the hospital as long as she could. She agreed. I was so proud of her yesterday when she called me from work and said she had been in labor since 3:30am, but she had some things to wrap up so she was going to continue working for another couple of hours. I thought- "Awesome, she's really going to wait this out before going". I got a call about 3:30pm and she sounded like she was in active labor and was going to the hospital. She sounded panicky so I tried to get her to calm down and take some deep breaths. She said she thought maybe she'd ask for some Demoral when she got there and I told her that from what I'd heard from people, Demoral didn't really help pain and just made you loopy.<br><br>
Anyway....Her dh called about 5:30pm and said that she was sleeping (she got the Demoral when she got there) and that she was 5 cm and that they had just broken her water. About 7:30pm he called again to say that she was at 8 1/2 cm and they just gave her an epidural. To make a long story short, her labor stalled after the epi, they gave her pitocin, apparently her midwife had her push for an hour without being fully dialated, her cervix got swollen, they told her there was something wrong with her (failure to progress) and wheeled her in for the C. (This sounds just like one of those bad episodes of Birthday on TLC)<br><br>
My dh answered when she called this morning to tell us. I'm glad he did...I'm afraid I might say something insentitive if I talked to her right now. I feel like not only did she let herself get roped into what I warned her about, but I feel like I let her down, too, like maybe there was something else I could have said that would have helped her have the birth she planned on. I feel like everything we talked about with the choices she made, I might have been telling her "Get the drugs...they're awesome!" <Sigh> I don't want to be an a$$ and make her feel bad, but I'm trying to think of supportive things to say. I just really wanted someone in RL to talk to who would understand how awesome natural childbirth is...now I'm still the oddball and she may never understand <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/crap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crap">. (I've had a section, too, I guess we can talk about that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> )<br><br>
Thanks for letting me vent.
 

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I cringe and expect the worst whenever I hear of anyone delivering in a hospital...I think that unless you're really prepared to stick up for yourself and/or have a close (in physical proximity) support group, educated about natural birth, that hospital births just end up going the way the physicians want.<br><br>
I'm sorry your sil got cut; it sounds like things got out of hand....<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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I fully understand <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I too am the BlackSheep of my family as well as my In-Law family. EVERYONE had drugs, half of them had c-sections, "2" out of "14" breastfed and so on.<br><br>
Sometimes even our most well thought out advice can be received upon deaf ears.....not to say that your sil didn't have the best of intentions.....maybe she just didn't realize her choice of caregivers as well as birth location can make or break a natural birth plan <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">
 

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I understand, and it sucks. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Mine wasn't a family member but someone I knew that started calling for for advice when she got pg, I felt like I talked her though the whole pg, which docs and CNM's she'd have a chance at having a natural birth with, how to avoid interventions in the hospital... Then i get the phone call afterward that she agreed to an induction, had an epi, baby had decel's and she was rushed off for an emergency c-sec. And she was so pleased that she had given birth in the hospital because they saved her baby's life. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"> i was utterly speechless, and had to get off the phone before I said something snarky.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>AnnesMoM</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7325958"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She sounded panicky so I tried to get her to calm down and take some deep breaths.</div>
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Right there is where it went wrong. She was afraid. Not your fault, not her fault - maybe society's fault, I dunno. But I remember that fear all too well. It's not just the fear of pain, it's the fear of the unknown, and the fear of the baby.<br><br>
Maybe if you'd been there, you could have reassured her, and helped her get through the fear. Maybe not. BUT. Now she's been there. She doesn't have the unknown to fear anymore. In a little while, a few weeks or months, she'll be in a place where you can talk to her about what happened, and help her get it straight in her mind - so that she can be in control of the fear next time.
 

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Yeah...It's pretty disappointing when I hear of a personal friend that is having a baby and looking for the easy way out. I have a friend who just had a 2nd baby and when I spoke to her a few weeks ago, she told me that as soon as she walks into the hospital she will be demanding the epidural. She had a long 1st labor, but that was simply because the doctor felt she wasn't progressing. So what happened? He gave her pitocin which she then got the epidural and then he had to direct all her pushing and she was so out of it she didn't even breastfeed. It's awful what these doctors do to women.
 

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I'm so sorry your hopes for your SIL having the best of experiences weren't realized, and I'm sure your SIL is just as disappointed in how her birth unfolded as you are - and is now recovering from surgery on top of it! Sometimes the best planning goes for naught though, so don't be too hard on either her or yourself. Having recently had a similar experience, (minus the surgery,) it sounds equally as though she may have encountered a malpositioning of the baby rather than just the wrong care provider or facility. A malpositioning like OP could well explain pain past being easily able to tolerate at 5cm, slow progress, a stall around 8 or 9 cm, and a cervical lip that a midwife might have encouraged her to try to push past which could have resulted in swelling - or a premature pushing urge that her midwife may have just encouraged her to go with. A high number of malpositioned babies end up in instrumental or surgical births, and sometimes a great deal of motivated effort and more ideal circumstances (ie, no broken water and moving around,) still doesn't move them. As for supportive things to say - I'd tell her how proud I was of her, how strong and capable I thought she was in the face of everything that didn't go as she'd hoped, and from 1000 miles aay I might send her a special care package of things just to pamper mom. You sound as though you've been amazing support throughout her pregnancy and I bet you'll continue to be. )
 

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Well I am sure once she is home and her head is clearer and she has time to think she will realize that things happened exactly the way she didnt want them to... and maybe next time will be different. There is no point in saying anything at all about it, since you know she knows. Just admire the baby and say congratulations.
 

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Sorry to hear how your SIL's birth went. It can be frustrating, I know I definitely looked down on people for having the epi, etc. until I went into labor. My birth did NOT turn out how I had planned- I had Pit, Demerol, Epi, abx, etc. In my case it worked out beautifully. I wasn't progressing until I had the epi- 30 minutes later I pushed her out in 5 minutes. My birth was highly medicalized although I had a midwife and wanted the exact opposite, but it was still beautiful and special and how things went were the best I could do. That is all anyone can do. Be there for your SIL and try not to judge her. Every birth is different. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I can totally see the disappointment on your end. Really, I get so discouraged when my friends don't listen to me. Because, I've been on both sides. My first was full of interventions, pit, epi, and a c/s. My second was a med-free, intervention free VBAC. So, I talk to deaf ears a lot...<br>
But, I think what she needs now is a call from you. Give her your best advice for recovering from a c/s - any helpful hints you might have in that area. Talk about the baby. Give her warm fuzzies about the baby, and NO judgement. IF she wants to talk about the birth (and she might not right away), SHE will bring it up.<br>
But, I'll bet she'd love to hear from you. She just had a BABY! CALL HER!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JustJamie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7327460"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Right there is where it went wrong. She was afraid. Not your fault, not her fault - maybe society's fault, I dunno. But I remember that fear all too well. It's not just the fear of pain, it's the fear of the unknown, and the fear of the baby.<br><br>
Maybe if you'd been there, you could have reassured her, and helped her get through the fear. Maybe not. BUT. Now she's been there. She doesn't have the unknown to fear anymore. In a little while, a few weeks or months, she'll be in a place where you can talk to her about what happened, and help her get it straight in her mind - so that she can be in control of the fear next time.</div>
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I completely agree!!!<br><br>
I also remember feeling that panic..... and its so hard to regain composure once that sets in... especially when you ARE surrounded with hospital people who are pushing drugs on you. I wanted a completely natural water birth (in a hospital)... and I had a midwife..... well, at the last minute, they pulled out my water birth plans from under me and I started begging for drugs. I was paniced. It turns out that I was in transition and they refused me because it was already time to push.<br><br>
I feel bad for your SIL because she did panic and then everything snowballed on her. I do hope that she will look back on this as a learning experience and see why the hospital is a TERRIBLE place to have a baby.
 

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I can see why you'd be dissapointed, but you have to know that YOU did everything you could IMO. I was your SIL during my last pregnancy, though I didn't have a person to talk to (not that it really would have helped) I read tons - everything I could get my hands on - about NCB and coping techniques. I KNEW the slippery slope of interventions. However, my labour didn't go as smoothly as I had invisioned (PROM w w/meconium) and it immediately set into motion that slippery slope. I KNEW everything, and yet, in the moment, without anyone actually THERE to support me and remind me of what I did know and give encouragement, I ended up with an epidural and FTP (among many other things). It's sucks, but it doesn't matter how much you educate a person in advance... when the situation happens, FTMs especially I think will believe THEY won't become "one of those statistics". Oh, lots of people get epidurals and do just fine! Right? Well, once you DO become one of those statistics, you learn.<br><br>
Now you can encourage her for a VBAC in the future and hopefully she'll learn from the mistakes she did make (mainly not having the support <i>during</i> the actual birthing).<br><br>
You really did all you could! (((HUGS)))
 
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