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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just wondering if anyone has heard from Gina in a while?<br><br>
If you're out there, I'm still thinking of you and hoping you are finding some happiness & peace.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Still nothing, and I'm getting worried. Her inbox is full and she doesn't accept e-mails from her MDC profile. Is there anything we can do?
 

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Hi Val,<br><br>
Thanks for asking about me.<br><br>
I'm a royal mess right now. I've got surgery I need to do, my grandparents are dying and my mother is on her way to India tomorrow. I miss my other half so much I can't breathe. I don't really care about anything right now, and I feel like I'm done here and have nothing else I'd rather do than to be gone.<br><br>
In the beginning, I had sadness, but I had no feelings that I had no purpose left here. I have an overwhelming sense of despair, loneliness, remorse, and lack of purpose now. Without having the chance to get married, get a house, or have kids, I'm feeling like I'm pretty much done here. People keep thinking I'd be getting better little by little, but I don't even want to talk to people anymore. I don't like doing anything and I've also have this huge despair of "what have I done? what the HELL did I do?" because Paul died on my watch, in my care, and he trusted me with his siezures like he always did. I feel like an absolute pathetic excuse and waste of a human being right now because I didn't think anything of his seizures and waited them out even though he usually had one and stopped, but I've known him to have two sometimes in one night. I f'ing waited and he stopped breathing and then I called 911.<br><br>
So on top of not being able to carry on or wanting to, I feel like I don't even deserve to be alive. I feel like it's all my fault that he's not here with me. Even if I never saw him again, and we never got married for whatever reason, I would like to know that he's carrying on his life the way he wanted and he's on his merry way doing something. Alive. I feel like I had something to do with cutting his life short and it was my ignorance, hesitation, panic, whatever, that shortened his life.<br><br>
And I miss him and love him so much. He's my best friend and was everything to me. It's that 'what the hell am I going to do now' that's overwhelming me. I have no answers and there's no plan. All the plans and dreams were shattered in one night.<br><br>
I'm so lost. I don't even know where to begin, where to go or just even how to 'just be.'
 

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I keep coming back to this thread. I don't know if I can say anything helpful or not, but here goes.....<br><br>
My oldest daughter had seizures. Lots and lots and lots of them. Often literally hundreds in a seizure cycle. The meds never worked for her, so we were on our own. I used homeopathy, herbs, vitamins, craniosacral work, acupuncture, anything at all to try and help her.<br><br>
She died at 8 years old. She died under my care. Yes, she was in the hospital, but no one there knew how to take care of her but me. I struggle so much with feeling as though I should have saved her, I should have found that one magic thing that would have done it.<br><br>
It has only been a year, but I am just beginning to understand that it was not my job to save her. It was my job to love her and care for her as best I could. That is what I did, and that is what you did for your partner. There is really nothing else. Love and Trust.<br><br>
I don't know if this helps at all in any small way, but I felt compelled to post, so I hope it does.<br><br>
I am so sorry you are hurting so deeply. Big, huge <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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