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How do you coupled single mamas do it? DP asked me about holidays yesterday and I honestly have no idea. By the time Thanksgiving/Christmas come around Owen and I will be living down in DP's town (about 6 hours from where we are now). Obviously seeing his family and my family on a single day is out of the question! Just looking for ideas....
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nut.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nut">
 

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I dunno. To me, the holidays (especially christmas) are almost always about the kids. So, to me, I would want my kids to see their family on the holidays. Thanksgiving is a little different. Maybe you can comprimise. You can see his family at Thanksgiving and your family at Christmas.<br><br>
At the end of the day, though, it would be my kids who got the nod.
 

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Well, Owen will spend every holiday with me. No questions asked (his "dad" is not really in the picture much so he may see him for an hour or 2 sometime around the holiday season but I don't have to send Owen with him alone). In a way I feel horribly guilty because for his whole life Owen has spent holidays with his Grandpa (whom he is close to- we live with him right now). We will soon be moving 6ish hours and 2 states away. They are obviously not going to see each other as much and it concerns me how I can keep their relationship going. Which is why holidays are so important. Owen's Grandpa has spent pretty much every holiday with him (not always the whole day, but he's seen him on pretty much every holiday). I'm going to be taking that away from him and I know how much those holidays mean to him. But to say to DP that I'm taking Owen back to MI for every holiday and never spending it with his family would be really selfish. The odds of my family driving out here to spend it at our new home is really slim (it would be a 3ish hour drive for one sister, 6 hour drive for my dad/brother/sister/mom/half sister/half brother, and 8-9 hour drive for my other sister). Grandpa's house is "home base" for all my adult siblings. Dad is living right between my 2 older sisters so everyone kinda meets at his house on holidays, if they can make it. Blah.
 

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Spending quality time with our families and sharing holidays does not always have to be on the holiday. It used to be too expensive for my sister's family to travel at Christmas, so we would get together in November and celebrate. Being together, opening gifts together, sitting down to a special meal was equally wonderful in November as it would have been on Dec 25. It is about getting together that matters.
 

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I'm not a mama, but my boyfriend and I have been together five years and have hammered out a way that works for everyone. We have already decided that it will basically stay the same when we have children also.<br><br>
His parents are divorced - so for Thanksgiving we are with his dad (they have a tradition of watching football and it's very important to him) Christmas Eve is also with his dad, Christmas Day is with my family and New Years is with his mom (who lives in Wisconsin, we are in Michigan - Three Rivers/Kalamazoo area, not sure where you are). When we do have children we may do Christmas Eve and Day the same but leave the day after Christmas or two days after to go see him mom. It just depends (we have a lot of issues with her as it is). Would something like this work for you guys?
 

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Honestly it is a PITA and we haven't figured out any real system that works. We pretty much travel all over the place to see everyone and end up exhausted. We're hoping that in the future we can just invite everyone over to our home for the holidays so we don't have to do so much running around.<br><br>
When ex and I were together he had family out of state. We compromised and would spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. Some years we would switch.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>StephandOwen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8198837"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But to say to DP that I'm taking Owen back to MI for every holiday and never spending it with his family would be really selfish.</div>
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Nope, it's not selfish at all. Your first obligation is to your kids, not to someone you married after you had kids. If your new husband doesn't understand that your kids come first (and making sure your kids see their family as often as possible) then that would make HIM selfish.<br><br>
When you marry someone who has kids, you are in essence marrying those kids too, and if the guy doesn't understand that, then it's hurting the kids.
 

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I agree with vypros. It's all about the kids. Since you are moving away from ur fam, it would be best for Owen, to be with ur fam during holidays, or else the change and missing family will be too much of a shock. Years later when he gets older and if you have another child with dp, one family can have xmas, the other thanksgiving, and then alternate every other year. That's how out family shared our Great Grandma and it really worked. If not, spend the holidays with ur family. You know that saying.... I'm going to butcher this.) A son is only your son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for life?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Vypros</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8210674"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Nope, it's not selfish at all. Your first obligation is to your kids, not to someone you married after you had kids. If your new husband doesn't understand that your kids come first (and making sure your kids see their family as often as possible) then that would make HIM selfish.<br><br>
When you marry someone who has kids, you are in essence marrying those kids too, and if the guy doesn't understand that, then it's hurting the kids.</div>
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I can't say I completely agree. When you marry someone you become a blended family, and his family also becomes yours and Owen's family. Since right now you are still in the earlier stages of dating is in understandable that you might want to be closer to your family during the holidays. But if the two of you marry and have children of your own together one day then it really isn't fair to only be with your side of the family every holiday. It's all about compromise. It would also likely be a PITA for you to have to travel that far each and every holiday with children.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Jilian</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8222519"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I can't say I completely agree. When you marry someone you become a blended family, and his family also becomes yours and Owen's family. Since right now you are still in the earlier stages of dating is in understandable that you might want to be closer to your family during the holidays. But if the two of you marry and have children of your own together one day then it really isn't fair to only be with your side of the family every holiday. It's all about compromise. It would also likely be a PITA for you to have to travel that far each and every holiday with children.</div>
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You're already talking about the future and her having kids with this guy. lol<br><br>
I'm talking about right now, and so long as they don't have kids together, the guy should understand that the holidays are going to be about the kids. To me, the kids trump all. He is a big boy. It wouldn't kill him to visit his family a little early for Christmas or something in the name of allowing her son to be with his family.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Vypros</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8244351"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You're already talking about the future and her having kids with this guy. lol<br><br>
I'm talking about right now, and so long as they don't have kids together, the guy should understand that the holidays are going to be about the kids. To me, the kids trump all. He is a big boy. It wouldn't kill him to visit his family a little early for Christmas or something in the name of allowing her son to be with his family.</div>
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I assumed you were talking about the future too since you mentioned marriage and they aren't yet married. But I still think that in any relationship there should be a little compromise and not just "my way or the highway". I also think it would be tough to travel 6 hours every holiday and I don't think that would be best for a small child either. If she means 6 hours each way that is a 12 hour round-trip - not exactly good for a SN child (I have a SN child of my own so I know from experience).<br><br>
I can say from experience - having remarried, that my DH's family also loves my son and enjoys spending time with him. They would be heartbroken if we never visited them on the holidays just because they are not his blood relatives. IMO when you remarry (or are in a serious living-together relationship) your new DH's family also becomes you and your child's family.
 

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I agree with Jilian, that when you are in a serious relationship, that other person's family becomes your family. Those relationships also need to be honored and nurtured.<br><br>
Also, remember that this will likely always be a moving target, and give yourself permission to be flexible as the years progress. What works one year may not work another year for any number of reasons.
 

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Ah, holidays.<br><br>
What a wreck.<br><br>
My parents are divorced (since I was less than a year old, so basically my entire life...the only Christmas we all spent together was my first, when I was 5 days old <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">) so I was always swapped back and forth. Not fun.<br><br>
When ex came into the picture (we dated for four years before marrying), we would alternate holidays...half the Christmases with his family, half with mine, which were then split again in half (and my mom and dad live 1000 miles apart, so no driving was ever enough).<br><br>
Now, the girls will be with their dad half those holidays, and I still have my two much divided parents and DH's family (who really loves the girls and are THRILLED beyond belief that they have another grandkid coming) to figure it out with.<br><br>
After years of shuffling, I've decided. We've grown up. Christmas, in the years that I have the girls, will be at my house, end of story. I want the girls to open up their stockings here. I want that whole magic feeling. I want something more consistent than what I got. And on the years that ex has the girls, we'll celebrate early as a family (maybe even arrange it with santa so he comes early) then go to DH's family for the holiday.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">: you've got to find what works, but I do agree to some degree with Vypros, for now, your child should come first, especially as he's already making a lot of adjustments in his life. Holiday traditions can be really meaningful for kids, and especially if all of your extended family is going to your dads, what a great time to see them all. Does your DP's family live close to him? If so, maybe just do something early/late with them, or Thanksgiving, or something else...<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> and good luck!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Spending quality time with our families and sharing holidays does not always have to be on the holiday. It used to be too expensive for my sister's family to travel at Christmas, so we would get together in November and celebrate. Being together, opening gifts together, sitting down to a special meal was equally wonderful in November as it would have been on Dec 25. <b>It is about getting together that matters.</b></td>
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Bolded part mine<br><br>
I agree with this and it is what we do. When my son was born we made the decision we would not travel at Christmas and we don't. If anyone wants to come to our house on that day they are welcome. Instead we have a big family get together early in January w/ my family and then in February we go out for dim sum with my husband's local family.<br><br>
My husband also has family very far away and we make a point of going there every other Thanksgiving and that doubles as our Xmas celebration.
 

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Thanks for all the opinions and thoughts! I think we've got Thanksgiving and Christmas somewhat figured out <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> If my oldest sis continues to have a b-day party for her son the Saturday after Thanksgiving then we will spend Thanksgiving in Kentucky (with DP's family, who lives just 5 minutes from him) then go to Ohio that Saturday to see my family. We will go to Michigan to see my family either on or around Christmas. Part of me wants to say on Christmas, but another part of me really doesn't want to travel on Christmas and would rather stay home and start our own traditions. Maybe travel to MI the weekend before or after Christmas. Who knows. But DP is basically fine with coming back to michigan any time I want so it's not one of those issues between us that will cause lots of arguments. We'll figure it out as we go along. I have a feeling we'll travel to michigan "around" a lot of holidays, but not necessarily on them. Sitting in a car for 6 hours (yes, one way- not round trip) is not necessarily how I'd like to spend holidays.
 
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