[Ellien C]

and what kind of affect do you think that has/had on you?

PennyRoos comment got me thinking. She said "I adore my mother, and she is one hell of a domestic goddess, but there are so many things about my life I can't really discuss with her."

Now, my mother did work outside the home and I can't discuss anything related to sewing, needlecrafts or cooking with her! But world religions, spirituality and human behavior is right up her alley. As is politics and "mommy wars."

So how about you all? What gifts did you mother give you and what affect has that had on your life now?

 

[Bartock]

Very rarely, she was the type of mom who depended on some loser guy to support her.

 

[eastcoastmomof2]

My mom was SAHM, (she worked before having children as a nurse). I loved that she was always home, and that I didn't have to go to 'afterschool care" or the sitter like some of my friends. I just don't think it's a rality for me to be a SAHM forever...we just don't have enough money for the lifestyle we want (nice house, car, education fuunds for the girls, spending money, not having to say "no" to the girls because of money...we still say "no", but for other reasons

, small vacations in summer.) I work part time while my girls are in school and that earns me enough to afford to be comfortable. i wouldn't be happy if I had to scrape by when there was something i could do about it. i am a temporary SAHM again right now, but pt time work is in my future . My parents never needed a second income. Mt Dad was military (WII vet) and then worked for the municipal government til he retired at 50. we had a nice house, plenty of money, nice cars and vacations every year. Nowadays many people seem to need to incomes just to 'get by". I know we couldn't afford our home truck lessons for the girls, etc on DH's salary alone. My mom could.

The greatest gift mom gave me was her time. she always dropped what she was doing for me. If I needed to talk, wanted to play, had a question, Mom was there and ready to give me her undivided attention. I don't think that had anything to do with her being a SAHM...it's just the type of mom she was/is. she always mede me feel like i was the most important thing to her. The woman did and still does housework nonstop, and the one thing i wish she hadn't passed on to me was her borderline ODC when it comes to cleanliness.

I can handle a mess, but not "dirt".

 

[PennyRoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellien C and what kind of affect do you think that has/had on you? PennyRoos comment got me thinking. She said "I adore my mother, and she is one hell of a domestic goddess, but there are so many things about my life I can't really discuss with her." Now, my mother did work outside the home and I can't discuss anything related to sewing, needlecrafts or cooking with her! But world religions, spirituality and human behavior is right up her alley. As is politics and "mommy wars." So how about you all? What gifts did you mother give you affect has that had on your life now?

It's kinda sexy being the subject of your spin-off.

:

 

[daytripper75]

My mom was a sahm until I was in middle school. She has a ton of respect for what I am doing with my life and how I am managing everything I do and that makes me feel good!
I think because she was both a sahm and a wohm she understands a lot of my issues and can support me in any decision I make. It is the best of both worlds for me!
Suzy

 

[lyttlewon]

My mom didn't have a paid job. She was a "head" female in our church which ment spending hours devoted to church activity. She would support abused women, buy groceries for underprivledged, clean peoples houses, teach them about the bible etc.

My parents decided my mother would be a SAHM and she dropped out of college when they married. When they divorced 25 years later she was left with no job skills and an alimoney check that was $450 a month. Our rent was $525 a month. We were very poor and she ended up cleaning houses for a living.

Seeing her experience made me appreciate the joys of being a SAHM and the joys of being a working mom, which she was as a voulenteer. It also made me realize that you can't rely on your husband to support you because life changes and you may end up being all alone.

 

[kalynnsmom]

My mom worked. She was a single mom. Her loser ex refused to pay child support, so it was really difficult.

I think it did have an impact on me. She is/was an ER nurse (but now she's Director of the ER) so she'd work every day plus some double shifts. So, when she was home, we usually had to fend for ourselves because she was asleep.

I don't begrudge her at all, I know she had to work her booty off to support all of us. She made a lot of sacrifices for us. But I missed her, I had no one to teach me to cook, to do laundry, stuff like that. I felt like I didn't get to spend a lot of time with her..

So, now that I have Kalynn and pg with twins, I want to give them as much time as I can..

 

[Qestia]

My mom was a single mom receiving no child support for my brother or me. She worked her [email protected]@ off and received very little government assistance to do so.

However, she was a nurse so had some flexibilty in shifts. She worked the night shift a lot when I was younger, leaving me at home in the care of my teenaged brother--not a good idea as he had parties that terrified me.

I think the main affect it had on me was a desire to be able to support myself should I have to and an actual fear of poverty to some extent. We were very poor, and it was just scary not knowing what would happen if the car needed repairs, etc. I remember my mom was furious when I got my driver's license because of the cost it would mean to her in terms of insurance (she ended up not adding me to the policy).

So I do think that my childhood is a big part of the reason why I would most likely choose to work even if I didn't have to.

 

[Izzy's Mom]

My mom didn't work much until I was in school and then part-time off and on only when financially required. She works full-time now and owns a business.

I don't have difficulty talking with my mother about anything, except the struggle of balancing work and childcare issues. She is completely understanding of the desire to work while raising a child, but having had a husband who didn't want her to work, she never experienced it herself. She also had a mother who lived nearby who babysat anytime needed, while she lives several hours from me,so I have no such family support (no one else really lives close either that we are comfortable with as occasional babysitters).

My mother not having really worked while I was a child did affect my life choices. We grew up very poor and neither of my parents was college-educated (mom had some high school, dad had junior high). There was absolutely no expectation for me to excel in school or to go on to higher education, even though I was a very intelligent child. There was little money for activities (like sports or music or whatever). My mother was (and still tends to be) very subservient to her husband.

I love my mom so much and I appreciate her, but I never really *respected* her as a person. I felt it was important to be a strong individual who could be independent and successful. I wanted to be different from my mother (and most of my family really) by getting an education and having my own career. Thankfully, I have achieved that, although I do sometimes wish I had gone on to university instead of secretarial college. I am a legal assistant (like a paralegal) and I work for the govt, so I make a good living and really like what I do. I think I could have done more though if I had been encouraged to go to university. Now I don't know if I could afford to go to university without making big sacrifices and I'm pretty comfortable in my work and my life.

My husband and I have made choices to try and help our children in different ways than our parents (he doesn't have more than high school either, and his mother also never thought of that as a goal to direct him toward). We have college funds for our kids and we will contribute as much as possible to their education. We will put them in activities and supports and try to help them find their niches in life so that they can excel at something they care about.

I wonder how this will all sound looking back 20 years from now!!

 

[Ellien C]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PennyRoo It's kinda sexy being the subject of your spin-off. :

s-m-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-c-h, dahlin'!

 

[caeden&connersmom]

My parents were married until I was 7 and my mom went back to work soon after having me (and then with my sis)

my mother is NOT the SAHM type at all, she cant even sit at home now for an hour without going nuts. She thought my sis and I were being lazy cause we chose to be SAHMs and was forever saying, "just put them in daycare and work!"

:

On a side note, her mother (My wonderful g-ma) babysat me from birth till I was 7. We lived next door. When my parents divorced we moved to a different town and had several babysitters until we became latch-key kids in 5th grade or so.

I have always vowed to be the mom who has cookies and milk waiting when my kids get home from school, family dinners together, help with homework, at all the baseball games, etc.(Dont even get me started on dinner, my mom and step-father ate with their plates in their laps in front of the TV everynight and STILL do)

I do work now, but DH is home and when ds1 starts school next month, dad will be waiting when he gets off the bus every day. We eat together every night and take the boys almost everywhere with us, so I feel that I am succeeding as a mom despite what MY mom thinks. (SHE thinks she should get a mother of the year award for raising us)

 

[member]

All of the women in my family have worked. Always.

But they have worked as domestics of some type and have always been able to take their children with them. With my mother, she was a 12-hour per day nanny and my sister and I went to work with her every morning at 5 AM until we were in school and then a family member got us off to public school. So my mother worked but I was also with her as if she was a SAHM.

Wrt being able to talk with my mother about my professional life, well, no. But I cannot really talk to anyone in my family save my cousin because we have similar professions, but my family also feels they cannot speak with me about their work now.

 

[caeden&connersmom]

Ooops, guess I should have read the entire OP!

I cant talk to my mom about anything unless its of a general matter (What are you doing this weekend, how was work, etc) My mom is terribly negative and LOVES to give out advise about what everyone else should do. She was also very up and down ( I really think she is bipolar or suffers from depresion) because she would rage at us and SF, then be all nice and cozy)

My dad was awesome

I could tell him anything without being judged or told how stupid it was, etc. He supported my sis and I in anything we chose to do, and when we *did* screw up, he wasnt on the sideline saying "I told you so." I think he was the most non-judgmental person I have known in my life, with my g-ma coming in a close second.

When I want to talk with someone about problems I need help with (After talking to DH) I usually will go to my aunt. She is a great listener, does not offer unsolicited advise and cares about me as my own person. Plus, knowing that after I talk about something, I wont be judged and put down because of it.

 

[meganeilis]

My mother was a WOHM, and my experieces as a day care and latch key kid were a major factor in my decision to be a SAHM. As a child I knew I was not my mothers first priority. Her schedule came first and foremost, which meant no extracurricular activities, no friends over, and most importantly, very little time together as a family.I never wanted for food, clothes or toys, but I was seriously lacking attention and adult involvement in my life. To this day I don't feel like my mother really knows me. Yes, I love her and she loves me, but the mother-daughter bond I see in others is just not there.

MIL on the other hand sounds a bit like PennyRoo's mother. She stopped working when her first son was born. For the past 32 years her entire life has revolved around her boys, her husband and her home. It can be stifiling for DH and I, and intimidating to me because I'm not exactly June Cleaver. But DH has never doubted his mother's love or devotion.

I am trying to strike a balance between my mother and DH's. DH is in the process of starting his own business, I plan take some classes so that I can handle the bookkeeping. I keep up on the news and recently joined a book club. I try to have interests outside of my home, for DS's sake as much as my own.

 

[sparklefairy]

My mother worked outside the home very rarely. I know that a lot of my decision to stay home was the hope of gaining her approval.

I see her now and know that I want a very different life for myself. She never found a passion of her own and seems to depend upon us and my father to define her still, which is difficult for us because of course this means that she feels the need to micromanage and stick her nose in when she can.

 

[aprilushka]

My mom was a mostly SAHM until I was in school-- our family, including my parents, my dad's parents and his sister owned a small town newspaper and she helped out there a lot but was mostly home with us. When we were in school we went to our grandmother's house a lot more and we also hung out at the newspaper a lot with our parents. I remember doing that before I was 5 also.

My family sold the paper when I was about 10 and then my mom went back to being a full time secretary for a while while my father tried to figure out his career. Sometimes my dad was home I think (I don't remember that well) during those years, sometimes we were latch key kids, which honestly did not bother me at all -- between the ages of 11 and 13 or so. What I do remember is that for the first time we spent significant time with dad, who before had always been at the newspaper working, so even though mom went to work more regularly we got to actually see our father in exchange. For a few years we were barely scraping by in terms of finances and I was very aware of that. Then my father went back into accounting at a more steady job and my mom bought a trophy/T-shirt business which she did at home while I was in high school and a little bit after. It was never profitable though and eventually she went back to being a secretary after I was in college. Now she is a secretary at her church. She'd like to quit though and volunteer as well as be available to help with grandchildren when needed, probably on a regular basis when my sister has kids since my parents are planning to move to where my sister lives eventually. My sister would like to be a SAHM but financially it could be very hard for her and her husband to have her at home full time.

She always encouraged my sister and I to follow our interests and get a good education, although now she says she regrets that somewhat, I think because it meant we moved far away being as the job market where we grew up is abysmal and neither my sister nor I wanted to live there anyhow.

I personally find it hard to talk to her about certain things because of our education gap and she's not intellectually curious. She's also very conservative politically and I'm not and she doesn't read anything other than Christian romance type novels. However we can talk about kid stuff ad nauseum which is fine. My father is also conservative but I can talk to him more about general topics because he's more of a logical thinker and can construct and respond to arguments in a logical non-emotional way which she can't really. I tend to not talk to either of them about politics anymore though because in recent years it would end up being too much controversy and I don't have the energy to deal with it.

 

[cielle]

My mom was a sahm but she always seemed unhappy and unfulfilled. I often felt like she didn't like being a mom. I don't know if that was really from being a sahm, however, because depression seems to run in our family. I don't feel like being able to talk to her has much to do with her work status. She volunteers a lot so she gets the politics of groups, competition and so forth. I also have a pretty mainstream p/t job so it's not too hard to talk about it.

 

[Herausgeber]

My mom gave up a full scholarship to college when she found out she was pregnant with me.

My mom stayed at home most of the time when we were little. She worked PT low-paying jobs off and off as we got older, but it was tough to pursue anything seriously while married to my father, who was in the Army, then worked offshore on an oil rig, then as a long haul truck driver. He was never really around, and when he was, he was generally unpleasant.

When he finally left, my mom went back to work full time, but the jobs she could get paid only minimum wage. She received only sporadic child support. At age 12, I *was* the best child care she could afford.

My mom still works low-wage jobs and thinks she is "too old" to go back to school. (I disagree. She's not even 50 yet.) The only thing that keeps her from poverty is being married to my stepfather. I am the closest thing she has to a retirement plan.

My job is a mystery to her, as is the fact that I can work during my visits with her. There's a disconnect in terms of understanding how my sitting in front of a computer all day and periodically arguing with writers over the telephone constitutes "work." We don't really talk about my job, even though I know she is very proud of my professional accomplishments. I talk to her every day, but it's mainly personal stuff, such as how my nephews and niece are doing. She helps keep me psyched up about planning a natural childbirth (her births were all drug-free).

Edited to add: As for how this has affected me, it made me quite resolute to always have my own source of income and assets. I postponed having children until I knew I could provide for them decently on my own should circumstances make me a single mom. And it made me look for a partner that I knew would be an involved father. I just flat-out didn't date men whose jobs required a lot of travel. Fortunately, my partner got that part of his career out of the way already.

 

[siobhang]

As I mentioned in the other thread, my mom officially stayed home for 10 years but she was super super busy volunteering and getting her MBA. She went back to work part time for two years and then full time when I was 12.

The downsides to when my mom went back to work full time were that my parents hadn't really thought about the logistical impact on me and my brother - we lived in a car dependent area (I couldn't even bike to my friend's houses) so other than to and from school, we were stuck at home unless someone else's mom wanted to take us home. It made having a social life very hard and I spent far too much time at home in front of the TV.

On the plus side, my mom was always super involved in the community and I learned tons from her. I also learned to be independent at a pretty early age (which is a good and bad thing) and I am still pretty inventive when it comes to problem solving. I also learned that while she loved me and my brother to death, we were A focus, but not THE focus.

Up to my mom's death 7 years ago, we talked every other day and emailed all the time (she was an early adopter of email). While there were things we couldn't talk about (my sex life being the most notable), we found it very easy to share notes about work, career, politics, etc. I miss her greatly.

My childhood wasn't perfect. If we had lived in a more child friendly area, I think I would have been fine. I always knew my mom and dad loved me and cared for me, but I didn't really need them around - other than to drive me places. So when dh and i were looking a neighborhoods, we intentionally chose one with sidewalks and tons of kids and places to walk to.

Now, another factor was that my dad travelled a lot for work. He missed about 50% of christmases and vacations because of work. So my mom really had to do most of it on her own. My grandmother also lived with us for most of my childhood - but since she was a. insane (classified as bipolar at age 75 - and untreatable) b. nasty and bitter and c. starting to go senile, this was not actually a good thing. While she officially took care of us, it was in fact often the other way around. My mom finally hired a housekeeper to look after her (and by extension us) because my grandmother nearly burnt the house down.

BTW, my mother was a fundraiser for UNICEF - she ran the US Committee for UNICEF's greeting card program for most of my childhood. I was raised on the belief that we owe the world much more than we take from it - and working for this sort of organization is one way to pay the world back. So my work HAS to have deep significance for me - I have to work in a field where I feel like I am trying to make the world a better place. That is something my mom instilled in me.

Siobhan

ETA: my mom was NOT a domestic goddess. her cooking was horrible and she hated housework. She could bake a mean cheesecake, though.

 

[siobhang]

i also wanted to add that dh's mother and my best friend's mother both were SAHMs whose entire lives were their kids. Both of them suffered seriously bad empty nest syndrome when the kids left home.

DHs mom is now very active in WI (women's institute - a UK club) and does a ton of baking. My best friend's mom works at the local library, volunteers for the church and is (in my friend's opinion) overinvolved in her kids' lives (esp. the two with grandchildren).

Both my dh and my best friend have said that they felt burdened by their mothers' lack of lives outside of their kids and that when they did find interests and activities for themselves, it was a huge relief.

I don't think this is a SAHM or a WOHM issue - I think this is a motherhood as identity issue.

My 2 cents.

Siobhan