[ExuberantDaffodil]

DaddyOh's post about his girlfriend meeting his XW got me thinking...

What do you think would be a good way of introducing new partners to your x's when children are involved? I know eventually I will have to have some sort of report with my DP's exwife, and I am interested in what you mamas (am papas!) think is appropriate in terms of contacting, meeting, and establishing trust with our x's new significant others.

My x has met my DP, and although there is some tension in that department (X let DP know who the father is

), my DP totally respects my X's relationship with ds. They met at ds's birthday party (when I met X's GF), and have spoken a few times since then.

Gotta run for now... ds is saying, "mommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyy!!!!'

 

[annarbor931]

I think it really depends on the people involved. I don't think their is one right way. It is important for kids to see that people get along and can be cordial to one another and can come together without anger, etc. I am sure that my soon to be DSD will have one birthday party that we will all attend. It is best for kids, when possible, not to feel torn on special days. I don't think it has to be one big happy family, though. It really depends on the mental health of the parties and the maturity level.

As I said in a prior thread, my fiancee's X is not mentally well and I think it is important to maintain very clear boundaries with her. She showed up one night at 1 am to pick up her daughter because she was angry that she was getting the cold/sinus meds. It was an ugly scene but it was diffused rather quickly. She drove 45 min with her friend on a Sunday night, all because she was upset that no one was acknowledging her as the mother. That is SO untrue, but she did give up custody because she was unable to care for her daughter. So, I have no idea what she was thinking. So, we have to be very clear and not too friendly with her or she forgets her manners.

 

[Jilian]

I'll try to keep this short

I think it is very important to introduce yourself ASAP to the bio parent when you become involved with a man or woman who has children. My ex's GF never said a word to me, yet she was spending all sorts of time (alone time too) with my son. I found that disrespectful. I tried to be nice to her but she wasn't so nice back - so I got angry and called her a name to my ex while I was on the phone with him and she heard me.

: Most of my anger came from the fact that I felt she was trying to replace me and play "mommy" to my son. This made me VERY angry.

I would have liked it more if she walked up to me, shook my hand, and introduced herself with a smile. Then we could have chatted and I wouldn't have felt so threatened. Now, almost a year later, we are on civil terms. I still don't like how she tries to diagnose my son and tell me when I need to take him to the doctor, etc.

I actually have ex and his GF over once a week now to visit with DS since I have him a majority of the time. It's uncomfortable but hopefully one day it won't be. They've also offered for me to come visit DS while he's at their house.

 

[annarbor931]

I really don't think that a new GF/BF should have to introduce themselves to the X just to make the X feel better. It is a tough situation but I think it is unreasonable. I would be very annoyed if my fiancee expected me to approach his X. I know it sucks to be in the situation and to have someone new around your kid, but it seems really odd to me. I can understand your feelings about having someone else play Mommy, etc. I just don't think it is reasonable. It is up to your X (or any X) to make things as comfortable as possible for everyone.

 

[ExuberantDaffodil]

As a mother, I know I want to know who is going to be around my son. However, I would never expect my x's girlfriend to call me up just to settle my own fears. I think a first meeting should be brief, perhaps at a neutral location, picking up or dropping off the kidlets, and polite. Perhaps at subsequent visits, the parent and x's new partner can have a chance to chit-chat and get a general sense of each other. I think when we start making demands and approach the whole awkward situation with a negative attitude, we just set ourselves up for conflict.
As a partner to a man who has a child, I know I would not want to be attacked or confronted harshly by his x, especially since I am polite, nonconfrontational, and (for the most part

) reasonable.

I think x's just want reassured that their children's parent's new partner isn't going to try to play mommy or daddy - that no one is trying to replace anyone else.

When having a conversation with my x's gf, I brought up an example of a reasonable role I thought I might be in my DP's daughter's life - a role model, a mentor, an adult friend, someone who loves the child; NOT a mother - as I told x's gf these things, I was subtly letting her know where I thought her boundaries should be. Lucky for me, she got the drift and was quick to let me know she totally agrees with that role.

 

[Jster]

I'm kind of wondering about this myself. My ex lives far away, but I do still try to involve him in big decisions, if nothing more than by keeping him informed (choice of preschool, etc.) When he remarried, we didn't even find out for months (as in, he didn't even tell his DAUGHTERS), let alone have I had any chance to meet with the woman. I'm actually more worried about her teenage sons than her, though...just because of the way the world is.

And now, I'm seeing someone and it seems like there is a very serious relationship on the horizon. We click in a way that's magic. He's been around the kids, oh, twice a week (we were seeing him as a family once a week already in a social setting, so I just added one time now that we're "together"). I'm not sure how/when/if I should let their dad know, and what I should do about his reaction. He tends to get pretty jealous and petty if he feels like I'm getting ahead in life, so I worry that telling him will just open a can of worms. The next time he's going to see the girls (and in town) is October, maybe I'll just wait until then? And he could meet my new partner in a neutral setting if he wants? (Not trying to thread hijack here...just looking for advice as well!)

 

[Jilian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by annarbor931 I really don't think that a new GF/BF should have to introduce themselves to the X just to make the X feel better. It is a tough situation but I think it is unreasonable.

I think that when ex's new GF chose to become serious with him (ie move in with him) she also chose to have me somewhat involved in the rest of their life. It's sort of a package deal, when she gets involved in my DS's life, she also becomes involved in my life. I don't see anything wrong with starting off on the right foot. I agree that it is not right of her to have to try to make me feel better but I do think that all ex's deserve common courtesy.

 

[mama40]

Yep. I think there's a sort of divorce myth of complete separation that kids new partners into thinking the X is not going to be, in some way, part of their lives. As long as there are minor children around, all parties are going to be somehow, however unwillingly, connected. And if people can refrain from being crazy about it, that's not the world's worst thing. You don't want the kid trying to live in split worlds. That kind of thing tends not to work so hot for the kids.

I'm not planning on dating anytime soon, but I've told stbx that if there's someone and I'm going to introduce him to dd, I'll tell stbx about it first. Just so that he knows what's up; it's a major event in her life, and as a parent he shouldn't be kept in the dark about it. Will it be enjoyable, telling him? I doubt it. But I view it as a responsibility that's ultimately for dd's benefit.

If stbx wants to meet a bf? Well, that'd be up to the bf, and I imagine anyone I'd pick would say yes, just out of a sense of obligation and respect. The whole "control" thing strikes me as strange, because in a situation like that there's really nothing for stbx to control. It's just a courtesy & respect for the fact that he's the daddy. But to be honest I have trouble imagining stbx would ask for a meeting.

 

[luvdisny]

I would like to put in my .02 on this subject.

I met my husband when he was staying at the hotel I was working at. He was in town to pick up his dd for his weeks visitation. (I lived in the same town has his daughter and he was/we are living about 5 hours away from his dd. I moved to be with him as he had a better job and I could find work easier then he could.) We dated for about 6 weeks before I met his dd and I met his exw about 6 weeks after that. The meeting was much like what DaddyOh went thru in the sense that we had to take dd back to her mothers early because we were going to have to take dh's truck in for an emergency repair and we weren't sure that we were going to make it back in time. The meeting was just a quick 'how do you do' and a handshake with the exw and her new dh.

While dh wasn't worried about the meeting, he knew I was because I had only heard his opinions of his exw and though he tried to be nice, I knew how the marriage ended and what part she played in that. Once the initial meeting was over then we all felt a alittle better. Exw even called me on occasion to see if I could watch dd on days that she was out of school. Exw and I have a fairly decent relationship and I think that she is happy that dh is happy and that he has moved on with his life. Dd and I are good friends and I have known her for about half her life now.

 

[Dragonfly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ExuberantDaffodil As a mother, I know I want to know who is going to be around my son. However, I would never expect my x's girlfriend to call me up just to settle my own fears. I think a first meeting should be brief, perhaps at a neutral location, picking up or dropping off the kidlets, and polite. Perhaps at subsequent visits, the parent and x's new partner can have a chance to chit-chat and get a general sense of each other.

This is how it's gone with X's new(ish) girlfriend. He brought her over fairly early on when he was dropping ds off. Then we chatted a few times during transitions. Then she came to my parents' house for Easter brunch where everyone welcomed her with open arms.

It's worked out very well, though I sense sometimes that she's a little uncomfortable with how much ex and I communicate and how involved he still is (and she, by association) with my family. I have to give her credit for handling it so well, though. My biggest challenge with her right now is to try to keep from freaking her out by being too nice.

 

[DaddyOh]

I don't think anyone should introduce a SO to a child until they are certain the new relationship is long term.

I think single parents should wait months before introducing SO.

I think the same for introducing SO to X's.

First off, I am adamantly against children seeing their parent in multiple romantic relationships. I simply refuse for my DD to grow up one day and discuss various girlfriends her dad had while she was growing up. I think that would speak volumes of my character (or lack thereof).

I don't think X's should meet new SO's until you are ready to tell the child about him/her. Depending on the child's age, I would even suggest telling X after telling child.

As for a meeting between X and SO, it depends on several factors. How long have you and X been divorced or not romantically involved? How mature is the relationship between you and X? Is X a freaking psycho? If a train leaves Chicago traveling... um, nevermind.

Anyway, there is no single formula. I would recommend erring on the side of caution. I would also slowly introude child to new SO. Perhaps the first few visits could be very short or over a meal. If SO has children then your child should meet SO first without his/her child(ren) if that's possible.

Man, I speak with such authority on this issue. That must mean I'm full of crap.

 

[ExuberantDaffodil]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaddyOh Man, I speak with such authority on this issue. That must mean I'm full of crap.

:

 

[annarbor931]

I totally agree with you DaddyOh. There is no formula that works for everyone, and each situation is different. I didn't introdice by DS to my SO for many many months. My DS was so young, though. I might have waited even longer if he were older and if he has a Dad in his life. But, we are engaged now and a family in the making (including my future DSD).

 

[ExuberantDaffodil]

I was going to wait much longer to introduce my DP to my son, but fate didn't work out that way. It just so happened that one day DP and I went to lunch together and my mom, sister, and son were at the same restaurant... oops!! It was pretty funny.

I do agree about waiting to introduce the kids to each other and the new bf/gf without the kids, but I also think that too much time shouldn't pass before kids meet. I wouldn't want my future dsd to get to know me just on my own without understanding that my son is a huge part of my life and who I am. There just has to be such a fine balance... it makes my head spin sometimes...

:

 

[mama40]

DO, I agree, esp. about the train.

My father handled the introduction part pretty well, I thought, when he introduced me & my brother to his future wife. They'd already been together for close on a year, as far as I could make out. Possibly longer. They'd known each other for several years, but I'd never even heard her name before. At the time, my teenaged brother lived with my dad, and I was at college. I can't remember where we met her first; it may have been at her apartment. But I remember thinking that even though it was weird seeing my dad have a gf, and I really didn't like it much, she seemed like a nice woman, and she was clearly anxious to avoid stepping on toes. The overall sense I got was that this wasn't really my business, and certainly wasn't something for me to be worrying about.

The mistake that came afterwards was moving GF into our house with teen boy still in it, and with already-fractious relationship between father & son. I've seen a few friends' fathers make that mistake. GF really did try hard, but it was a bad, bad scene. Brother ended up bouncing around from parent to parent to friend to crappy apartment, and it took him many years to get himself together afterwards. If my dad and New Wife (not new anymore, been married almost 20 years) had just relaxed a little, & let my bro grow up for a couple-three more years and move out on his own, I think it would've avoided a tremendous amount of trouble & damage all around. I think it's easy to forget the difference between a kid year and a grownup year.

Anyway. Since I'm really not interested in marrying again (what was the advantage over living together? Oh, right, splitting up costs thousands of dollars), and I like having my own house, and I think I can keep my pants on to help a kid out, I don't see a problem with keeping any romance as an adult thing on the side. Granted, that cuts down the pool of men (er...somewhat), but since I'm not looking to make Family No. 2, that's fine.

 

[Dragonfly]

I agree with you, DaddyOh, that waiting is better. I wish ex felt the same but it seems to have come out in the wash okay. So far, anyway. I do think my son will be fairly crushed if she decides not to stick around.

Regardless, it's much better than my father, who showed up for a visit after a few months of not seeing him with a woman and her 3 teenaged daughters and announced he'd already married her. Not a shining moment for him.

 

[Jyotsna]

Well, funny you all are talking about this now. My son came home from a visit with his dad this past weekend, telling me all about the fact that his dad will marry soon.

I was a little surprised, since he had a head on collision recently, was hospitalized, stayed at home for many days ect. But now it seems he will be marrying again. Apparently he hasn't chosen anyone yet, just decided it was time to get it over with! So he told my son he will marry soon and my son was asking me, "When are you going to get me a step dad?".

I can't even imagine what it will be like if ex marries. First, he is very undesirable. Second, he is flat poor (at least that is his reason for not paying the full child support). But I worry that he is marrying because he is lonely, and my kids will have to go through another break up.

Anyway, regardless of true love or not, x seems to be bent on marrying again, and I am sure there will be an impact on the kids.

Just venting....

 

[mama40]

Well, it's not altogether surprising. I'm sure that if stbx can get someone to agree (poor woman), he'll marry again. I remember reading something a while back describing how, in general, men's quality of life improves when they marry, and women's declines. Individual marriages vary, of course, but in general the women do an awful lot of caregiving work for the men (one of stbx's friends called it "the magic hamper") and the men's children.

 

[a_work_in_progress]

I met my X's GF when they were picking up the kids. It wasn't a big thing in my mind. I didn't think twice about it. X hasn't met my BF yet, and there's no plans for that as of yet. It'll just happen when it happens. I had 2 major relationships after X and I split, and before my current relationship. Each time it went fairly well, with smiles, and joking, firm handshakes, etc.

 

[TAC]

This is all very educational. My x seems desperate to have a girlfriend. The kids tell me how he has a profile on Cupid, and friends in town tell me how he has solicited many in town. He is definitely on the prowl. I worry more about the new gf than I do about the kids.

I think I have a good enough relationship with the kids that they would speak to me if there was an issue. I don't think ds would care but dd would. She's very emotional and volatile.

If I was the gf I would introduce myself. I am just that way. I would want the mother to know that I am not interested in being the mother, but I would want to reassure her that her child will not be neglected when in the hands of the dad. I think it would be important to a mom. I also would like to have the gf come up and talk to me.

This is pretty sticky and I have alot to learn. I think in a perfect world, we all work together to raise and love the dc. I doubt that will happen in my world, but I can keep trying.