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Is there anyone out there who still dtd regularly but still feels a loss of intimacy? Or am I the only one? Not long ago I realized that even though dh and I have still been dtd on a fairly regular basis, there is a major drop in intimacy. Like we hadn't kissed (a real kiss not a peck goodbye) in over a month at least, maybe two. I have been making an effort to bring intimacy back, but to a degree it feels forced. I'm wondering if I should just let things continue on a there natural course, or keep making efforts to bring the intimacy back even if it feels sort of fake.<br><br>
Thoughts?
 

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its the same way here. the only time we touch is DTD...i've tried hugging him etc at other times and while he does it i can just tell he dosent want to..i dont have a clue how to fix it.
 

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I remember when that happened here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> STBX did not get it at all. To him, he was doing his part by working and bringing home money. That feeling also led to a sense of entitlement that he should receive and I should give.<br><br>
We talk more now than we did when we were married and planning to stay that way, but the sex part will never be worked out and it's just OT now.
 

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Its like this for us, well for me anyway, most of the time. DH tries to be more affectionate than I am, but I'm so exhausted and annoyed to death by the kids and being needed all the time it just makes my skin crawl. A lot of times I will dtd because I feel sorry for DH. I know he wants to be close with me, I'm just not interested in human contact right now <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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Well, sadly for my DH it has never been a really intimate act - he has a REALLY hard time with intimacy - really. He even has a hard time kissing - you know <i>really</i> kissing - he says he doesn't lik the way it makes him feel. Its sad to see how uncomforatble he is - I think it makes him feel vulnerable, which is not a place he likes to be in.
 

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If I am ever in question about things I talk to DH about it right away. I don't ever remember him bringing up the subject but he is always willing to talk about it when I ask him. Even if we have just been intimate and I feel like there was a lack of emotional contact, we can talk about it. Im my own experience as of late, I am 37 weeks pregnant and lately too tired to do anything. Two nights ago DH held my hand as we slept and I felt like it was a very romantic and connected thing to do. I told him the next day how much that meant to me. He gave me a goofy look like he was shy about it but I know it meant something for him to hear that from me.
 

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I am the one who is not interested in physical intamacy~emotionally we are very close. we do it on a reg basis(once or twice a week) and I love my husband, in fact we have a very good relationship- I just have no desire to be touched. EVER. I know it bothers him, and so I try to show some love but it is really hard for me. Ocassionally, I think it does put a strain on our relationship, even though he is very understanding. It kinda bums me out sometimes. Im sorry for anyone else who has a problem like this, it makes my heart hurt sometimes.
 

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DH and I have always been very active with the deed but we were losing our intimacy as well. We recently had something bad happen in our relationship and thought we were through. I lost 10 pounds in less than 2 weeks and he was gone most of the time. We decided that we need to change this ASAP for the sake of our little boy and the fact that we still love each other.<br><br>
Somehow, THAT bad thing brought back an amazing chemistry. It was as if we thought we lost each other and are so glad that we didn't. Our intimacy and sex have improved a thousand times.<br><br>
I think we all take our partners for granted at one time or another and sometimes we need a MAJOR wakeup call.<br><br>
I don't know what advice to give you gals because I wouldn't want anyone to go through what we did and what we are still currently working on. The good thing is that we are working hard at our relationship, constantly, and it is showing.
 

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Hmmm. I kept asking for it. I kept demanding it. I kept trying to direct the action so that I'd get some when gettin'some. I reminded him that making me happy would be very beneficial for him in the long run.<br><br>
I don't need a ton of intimacy and romance. But I was getting NONE, and I never signed up for that. I really felt he'd pulled a bait and switch.<br><br>
In a bad argument that pretty much almost ended our marriage, he basically told me I didn't DESERVE it. I was pretty friggin' mad - because I kind of thought that was what he was doing, and I was right.<br><br>
(this makes my DH sound horrible. he's actually a pretty decent guy, but he did have some major issues crop up after we got married that happened to coincide with my PPD. Thankfully he's smart enough and human enough that actually dragging his demons out into the light horrified HIM into doing something. I think he was more horrified than I was at this discovery of himself after he got over being angry. My DH is not a narcisist but he was raised by a male one so some of those behaviours seem to have put in roots.)<br><br>
After we patched that up, it still took about a year to get any intimacy out of the guy.<br><br>
The real break thru was in getting him to stop being in control of everything. To let me be "nice" to him in bed - which is majorly different than "servicing" someone. It took about 20 times before he got that I "turned off" when he tried to turn it into just sex. I don't know if this puts him at the head of the curve, or makes him a dunderhead. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">:<br><br>
I put up with a year of unethusiastic "I love you toos" in response to my sexy whispered-in-the-ear ones. When he'd try to change the tone of the moment, I right out told him he was giving mixed signals and I don't appreciate it.<br><br>
It is coming back though. And he has started to intiate some of it. So while it might not sound pleasant, it has worked. If you plan on staying, and you don't want to give up sex, and your DH doesn't have a disorder that prevents him from seeing you as a person or perceiving compassion maybe it'll help you. Just refuse to stop trying to get it. Sometimes ignoring failure and a whole lot of persistance really does pay off.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Well, sadly for my DH it has never been a really intimate act - he has a REALLY hard time with intimacy - really. He even has a hard time kissing - you know really kissing - he says he doesn't lik the way it makes him feel.</td>
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Mine too. For him it's a cultural thing. We are definately both having to adjust, as he was brought up in an environment where sex/intimacy was not seen or talked about, and I was brought up in good old America where you can't get away from sex talk. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br><br><br>
We have never had "intimacy" like the magazines say we should. He doesn't like kissing. He's gotten a lot better about providing me non-sexual touch (but I had to explain it to him several times that I *need* it and that it is my "issue", not his fault). He has also started to pay more attention to my needs, though I haven't said anything about it--maybe he's been reading mags at work or listening to his coworkers locker-room talk or something. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> But it has taken a long time and a lot of mutual adjustment and learning together.
 

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deleted due to being stalked online.
 

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I think it happens with everyone. In the past 7-8 months, we've been working on all those little things, the kissing, touching as you pass. It really makes a HUGE difference. We were still having sex before, but it wasn't like it is now. It's not the newly-in-love kind, but it's pretty damn close.<br><br>
Oh, and if at first it feels forced, you may find that with a small amount of time, that feeling just disappears. But you've got to both make the effort.<br><br>
Best wishes!
 

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Discussion Starter #13
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Demeter9</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7955466"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't need a ton of intimacy and romance. But I was getting NONE, and I never signed up for that. I really felt he'd pulled a bait and switch.</div>
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I totally know what you mean about the whole "bait and switch" thing.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jeannie81</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7968996"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I totally know what you mean about the whole "bait and switch" thing.</div>
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Bait and Switch is something you normally hear in the terms of cashiering. Someone will give you a $20 bill and then say never mind and start giving your differnet htings and confuse you and then ask for his $50 bill back!<br>
In this instance, Bait and Switch from what I gather, is she is saying he lured her in with the romance and intimacy, to as soon as they got married he cut it all off cold turkey...like it was an act.<br>
Am I right Demeter9?
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>3babies4me</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7969094"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Bait and Switch is something you normally hear in the terms of cashiering. Someone will give you a $20 bill and then say never mind and start giving your differnet htings and confuse you and then ask for his $50 bill back!<br>
In this instance, Bait and Switch from what I gather, is she is saying he lured her in with the romance and intimacy, to as soon as they got married he cut it all off cold turkey...like it was an act.<br>
Am I right Demeter9?</div>
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Maybe you misread me? I said I know what she means. Yes, bait and switch is sometimes applied to a routine cashiering scam, but more often I have heard it applied differently. Basically it is what it says... you get baited in with one thing and then they switch it up on you. Like when I first got with dh he was very affectionate to the point I really thought he was an affectionate/romantic type person. But once I was in deep, the flow of affection dried up.
 

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For us, we hug a lot. I don't like kissing b/c Dh doesn't brush his teeth often enough (for me, anyway). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Sometimes, there isn't an emotional connection when we DTD, but I don't know. I feel very connected to him. We've been married for seven years, and so far, I'm happy!
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jeannie81</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7969223"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Maybe you misread me? I said I know what she means. Yes, bait and switch is sometimes applied to a routine cashiering scam, but more often I have heard it applied differently. Basically it is what it says... you get baited in with one thing and then they switch it up on you. Like when I first got with dh he was very affectionate to the point I really thought he was an affectionate/romantic type person. But once I was in deep, the flow of affection dried up.</div>
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Pretty much. Mine didn't just dry up, the whole tone got co-opted to more kinky or nothing at all. Which I don't mind particularly, but I never expected a whole diet of it. I actually made that crystal clear before we got married too. And he STILL did it.<br><br>
Before we got married, I was the awesomest thing ever. After, well....!<br><br>
My DH did this on quite a number of levels though. The bait and switch that is. I think I represented something he really wanted - the equal relationship, the smart wife, the good mommy, etc. Then suddenly we got married, and I was nothing he'd ever seen before and I didn't do anything the way that he was brought up with and taught. I was neither Bible School Wife, nor Porn Wife, and I definately wasn't like his Mom. And the fact that he knew all of that for years and years before we even dated didn't matter.<br><br>
Pretty much, he lied about who he was. He lied and showed me who he WANTED to be, who he had decided he wanted to become. Not who he actually was. After 5.5 years of marriage, he is almost that guy. And MAN has it been a lot of work! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 
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