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Spiritual side of infertility?

988 Views 11 Replies 10 Participants Last post by  chiromama
Has infertility affected your feelings about God/Goddess? Has anyone else had moral delimas about TTC and what interventions to do? How did you deal with it?

I feel alienated spiritually by this infertility and at a loss of what to do. There is a part of me that wants a baby no matter what, and another part that feels not all fertility treatments would be moral choices. (No judgements on anyone else and their choices- I'm just talking about what is right for me and my circumstances) Wondering if there are others that feel the same?

(Mod- please don't move this to spirituality forum- I want to discuss this with this group of people, not that.)
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Well, my husbands family is very catholic...Most of them don't believe that this is what God wanted. My husband and I look at it like ... God created the people to have the knowledge and technologies to help us along the way. I know what you mean though.

I think I get most of my "idiot comments" from the people who don't believe in what we are doing. Like, "oh honny, maybe you won't have to take all the drugs" and my mothers comment, "maybe you will find out that you're already pregnant when you go to have your eggs retrieved". HELLO? I seriously think that their way of letting me know in a "nice way" that they don't agree.
I definitely had moral issues with many infertility treatments. I don't give a hoot what treatments other people decide to do to create their families. For me, however, many of those treatments just didn't feel right.

We ended up adopting and are very happy with our decision.
I felt betrayed by the spirit, myself, both for my IF and for my dh's not wanting to do IF treatments. Definitely an alienating experience.
I had secondary infertility issues, which is alienation in and of itself. Mostly b/c people just assume you only wanted 1 child or b/c you have 1 you should feel lucky. I felt like it was continued punishment for my sins in life, as was my 1st birth being a c/s. I felt I must be unworthy to have and raise children, that I was not going to be recieving that blessing from God again.

I was not the person I am today. I have grown as a person since then in so many ways. I no longer feel I was unworthy. I still do feel my c/s was a lesson of some sort, but God is good and has healed my broken spirit.

I was fortunate that the issue was not serious and fairly easy to correct. I had researched ahead as far as Clomid, which I ended up not needing. I had thought about IVF and what that would implicate, but I can't comment on it b/c I didn't have to go there. It would be a hard path to walk down and make a decision yes or no based on what I believe about life.

I was appauled by the comments, oh I didn't think you were going to have anymore, was he an
accident? Or 'you do know what causes that don't you' and this is pregnancy #2 for crying out loud. We bought a 15 passanger van when I was pregnant w/#3. Now I just say, Yes, we're going to fill it.
(not really, but it gets really fantastic looks!!!) People are nosey...

I look at it this way, choices we make about our bodies are personal. I did not tell my mother I was having trouble getting pregnant b/c she would have cried too. She had infertility issues that she never seeked medical advice on as far as I know. As I sat in my gyn's office, I was crying telling him about my mother and how maybe I'm too old now ( I was 26 -- but my mother had trouble at age 24 and I had gotten my 1st at age 23). Anyway, point is it wasn't something I thought needed to be shared with anyone on earth other than my dh and my gyn. I'd rather keep quite than have pitty, off comments, or unsolicited advice. But that was just me.

And one very positive story for those who just need up liftment and encouragement on an IVF journey:
A df of mine had infertility in her early 20s. She has some test done and became pregnant after the die test in the tubes -- he had something wrong with him and delivery was induced after he died inutero at 25 wks (good part is coming -- promise).
She did IVF in early '97 and gave birth to a healthy boy later that year. Now it gets good. She planned to have the rest of her eggs implanted when ds1 was about 18 mo old. When ds1 was 8 months old -- nature took over and she had dd1 in May '99. When dd1 was 5 months old she got pregnant naturally with dd2. Then she decided maybe it was necessary to do BCP for a while. Then she got prego naturally again with ds2, dd2 was 2yrs old. She told me this summer she was going to get pregnant when her dh came home for R&R from Iraq -- how she knew I don't know, but she did, naturally again. She just gave birth to ds3.
I have read since then that yes, IVF can get the ball rolling. Now what she intends to do with the eggs, I don't know. I don't know as if she has even thought about it, it would be hard to think about.

HUGS to all of you. OP you bring up some very valid questions and concerns. It's not easy and I hope your faith will guide you to making a decision that you can have peace in.
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I'm actually dealing with secondary infertility myself. I wonder a lot if I would feel differently about my issues if I did not already have a child... but that's neither here nor there.

Ya know, before going through this- I had no idea what a true trial it was for the women of the bible who were barren. I knew it sucked, but I had no clue how hard it would be to go through that, and keep faith. And at least in the present time, we have medical options to help us.

But I still wonder a lot, about how fertility issues fit into the grand design. I see how dealing with infertility has changed me, forced me to grow, be more sensitive, recognize the beauty in all family sizes, I could go on. Yet I wonder, Do we get pregnant when we are "meant to", with the child/children we are meant to have, or is it all random? Are people who are meant to concieve through IVF or whatever, do so because that's God's will or because it was pure biology, or because that was their destiny? Can we change our destiny- through fertility treatments, or do we simply get the kids we are meant to have when we are meant to have them, and there's really nothing to do one way or the other about it?

Just musing.
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IF definitely affected my connection to spirit. We went through the "maybe the universe is telling us something" and the "we must not be worthy" arguments. But I was able to get past it. I'm not christian, or any other organized religion, and I think that may be part of why I moved through it easily (I think if I was still catholic it would have been much harder to process because I'd have church doctrine to consider too, but I just had my own heart and spirit connection) There were many many many tears shed, and much conversation.
In the end (after a successful IVF) I feel closer to spirit than I did before. I feel as if the devine has opened a door inside of me, and that I know myself and my husband better. I feel grateful for the experience and curious about what will be in the future. I have no hope that we'll get pg naturally in the future, as our IF is male factor, and it's not going to go away with me getting pregnant by IVF

I thought I had deeper things to say, but I'm tired.. and aparently can't formulate thoughts! I'll come back if something else comes up.
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Two healthy, blessed children later, I don't know if I've recovered from the deep hurt infertility brought to my soul. I too feel I now understand why women of the bible put on sackcloth and ashes and prayed without ceasing, etc.
I can say I feel the entire experience has helped me to be a better parent and to truly feel in the moment with my children. I certainly don't take being a mother for granted as so many women in society seem to do. I think it's just one of those hurts that never really goes away. I have days where I am almost glad to have gone through the entire experience and then at other times I am just so stinkin angry I've had to go through the whole thing.
This thread caught my eye. I had an early pg loss before dd#1 and then it took about a year to conceive again. During that time I had to do a lot of soul searching. I ended up naming my baby Jiva, which means "life" in Sanskrit and I talked to her (at the time I thought of her as genderless) daily. I felt her close to me and invited her to come to our family when she was ready to, when the time was right. Whenever I got an ache inside that I was lonely for a baby I would talk to her and meditate on her. We visited a temple in India that is well known for granting babies to infertile couples. At the time I felt that we could seek IF treatment in a few months when our insurance changed, or we could pursue adoption. I didn't care how we became parents, I just wanted us to have a child in our home some day. I gave the rest over to God, as far as when and how it would happen. 2 mos later after our trip to the temple I got pg with dd#1. It took 6 mos of TTC for dd2 and I went through a similar process of accepting that fact that we may not be able to conceive. The month that I gave it to God again, I conceived. It was like God was teaching me to put my trust in him and lean into him for strength. My second child has special needs so it was an important lesson that prepared me for being thankful for her in the midst of all our struggles with her health.
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Yes, much betrayal felt here as we struggled TC DS. Now, as we are about to "admit" our secondary IF, I am feeling angry/bitter/ the "why are you doing this to me" all over - only harsher this time.

But, one thing it does help me with is not taking DS for granted...he is my life, what keeps me going everyday. Knowing that he is such a gift keeps me on my toes; to be the best mother I can right now, for him...

I am constantly in this battle with the cup is half empty/half full. As much as I feel complete with DS in my life, I still have plenty of longing for another...
while I did feel and sometimes still do feel angry with my body... I guess it's more of a betrayal. anyway I took my IF journies (both kids concieved via ART and if I go for #3 will be as well). something in it made me stronger, something told me that things always have a way of working out. I'm not sure how to explain it, while sometimes I did feel really bummed out, I keep getting back up, moving forward. I guess it caused/taught me not to worry about yesterday, only today and tomorrow
Jenn, That's a great point. Everytime I felt beaten by IF, i just HAD to get up and keep going. That was the only alternative. Not having a child in my life wasn't a choice for me. I dont' know if I'd say it made me stronger, but it did make me able to face adversity in a different way. It made my husband and I stronger together. (so yeah, i guess it did make me stronger! duh!)
In some ways I'm thankful we went through it, because we wouldn't be where we are (besides broke!) or who we are today if we hadn't had to fight the IF fight.
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